Chapter Thirty-Six – Where Words Are Spoken
Bailey's Pov
Larissa wasn't doing so great and I knew that meant everyone else was suffering just that much more and I knew I had to do something. It was one in the morning when I got to her house and I could see Carter and Julian's car's parked out front.
I went to the front door and grabbed the spare key under a loose stepping stone and let myself in. It was quiet and Robert was asleep on the couch when I snuck past, I took my shoes off outside so I wouldn't wake anyone else and I eased up the steps.
I looked into the two spare rooms to see Danielle, Cameron and Carter asleep and then Julian asleep but not well, he was tossing a bit in his sleep.
I watched him for a minute and felt sad, this situation was sad and I wished that it could be different, I really did and I could at least talk to him without wanting to scream or cry now so I would consider that progress.
I watched him cling onto a pillow like he would with me when we slept and it made me smile. It was a little creepy I admit sneaking in here but I closed the door quietly and went to Larissa's door, I knew she was still awake because I could hear her crying.
I pushed the door open slowly
"I'm fine honey, go back to sleep." She said but I kept going in and shut the door.
"Julian's asleep." I told her and I could make out her figure jump and she slammed on the light by her bed.
"Bailey baby, you almost gave me a heart attack." Her hand was over her chest and I looked at her, she looked awful but I wouldn't say that to her.
"Julian said you weren't doing so well." I whispered and I went over to her bed
"I'm okay." She lied but I'm pretty sure she believed that.
"They're all worried about you Larissa, you need to sleep." I reached out and grabbed her hand
"I can't." she closed her eyes
"Why aren't you talking to any of them?" I asked her and she cried some more
"Because I don't want them to know how much of a monster he was, he's still their father, they don't need to know some things and every time I try to sleep he's there." she was scared to sleep.
"He can't hurt you anymore." I scooted closer to her and leaned my head on her shoulder. Our legs hung over the side of the bed and she held onto my hand.
"But he is." It was sad to see her cry, I loved her more than my own mother and I didn't like seeing her so sad.
"We know the truth and it will come out, it's a small time compared to your life. You're thinking about doing it, aren't you?" I asked her and she cried harder as she nodded and that was what I was afraid of. Julian has already lost too many people this way.
To me she wasn't difficult to read and some things were obvious whereas Julian's judgement on her was a little clouded and if he wasn't careful then he was going to lose her and I don't know how much more he can take. If he lost his mother I'm pretty sure he wouldn't recover, he would leave too.
"He'll never forgive you Larissa. You finally have your boys back and a great guy in your life. You're a grandmother. There is so much more to your life." she shook her head and I felt my eyes burning with tears too.
I hated seeing her life this and it scared me.
But I knew how she was feeling, she felt helpless and I know what it feels like to think suicide is the only way out, it's a horrible and suffocating feeling that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Scars lined my wrists, arms and legs where I would cut which added to my track marks and I remember how I felt before I passed out when I overdosed.
I remember waking up and feeling sick when they told me I almost died.
I remember thinking about suicide when I was put in rehab and again when she died. The feeling of giving up and shutting down, bracing myself for what I imagined as the end.
The thoughts were dark and twisted and painful.
You start convincing yourself that no one cares about you, that the people in your life would be better off without you and that they didn't really care anyway. You distance yourself from people so it will hurt less when you decided to do it.
I know because I got to the point where I held glass against my wrist and was ready to do it but then Julian came once again and spent time trying to get me to let him in and I couldn't and then I was glad I didn't.
Now I have my brother back.
"He's always here." She whispered
"So am I. So is Julian. So is Kylie. So is Carter and Danielle and Cameron," She kissed the top of my head. "I love you and so do they, don't do this to them and don't do this to yourself."
"I can't think of any other way." I pulled back and turned to face her, tucking my feet under me.
"When I was in rehab I thought of doing it too. I had hallucinations and twisted nightmares from the drugs and do you know what helped me?" I asked her
"What?" she asked
"Julian. He held me every night and showed me that I was worth something and that someone cared and that meant more to me than he knows. I know you don't want to say it because you love them but they remind you of him, don't they?" I asked her and her eyes welled with tears again and she nodded
"Yes." I got the feeling that Sarah wasn't the only one to take that kind of abuse and it wasn't something she was ever going to mention to her kids.
I pulled the sweat pants that I had over my shorts off and my sweatshirt before laying down.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked her and I patted the bed beside me, maybe if I could get her to at least lay down that would be a start. She slowly laid back in the bed and I wiped some of her tears away.
"I thought he would have left Sarah alone but I guess at a point I became too old for him, I should have known when It stopped but I was just glad it did and didn't question it and I should have. I should have realized when she got pregnant, what kind of mother am I?" she asked
"A great one that did anything to try to protect her children, don't blame yourself."
"I should have taken the kids and left."
"And what would he have done to you if you did?" I wouldn't put anything past him based off what he heard and she said nothing. "Then you wouldn't be around to protect them and things would have been worse. You did the right thing."
"I'm not so sure." She sighed
"You did, so do the right thing now." I grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills from my bag and handed them over to her
"They've been trying to get me to take these for days." She tried to hand them back. Weeks actually.
"I'll be right here with you all night, I promise." I pushed them back towards her and she opened the bottle.
"I don't know if I can." She looked at the little blue pills in the bottle.
"I know you can, you're a strong woman Larissa and you will get past this, I promise I'll be here all night with you, I'm not going anywhere." She put two in her hand and I wish I could give her the whole bottle without it killing her and make her sleep for three days or something, she definitely needed it.
"Okay." She swallowed them and then lay beside me "You won't tell anyone, right?" she asked
"Your secrets are safe with me." I promised. She grabbed my hand but didn't look at me; we both looked up at the dark ceiling.
"Well then tell me, are you ever going to forgive him? He wants you back but he says he doesn't deserve you and that he doesn't want to hurt you by trying." She told me and I wiped a couple little drops that spilled from my eyes because that was just like him.
Caring about everyone else, putting them first.
"I told him he needed to be my friend first before anything else, I do love him and I would like to work things out just not right now. He's not in a good place for a relationship and neither am I but we are in a good place to be in each other's lives as friends."
When bad things happen it's great to have the people you love by your side but we always use it as an excuse not to be better and then things go downhill and we never work through our issues with ourselves or each other.
"But eventually?" she asked
"We'll see, we're different people then we were a year ago." I told her
"Yet still perfect for each other, you'll see baby, you'll see." Her eyes were already drooping
"Maybe." Maybe we were and maybe we weren't.
"You'll give me beautiful grandbabies." She smiled and even tired beyond belief she was still beautiful when she smiled.
"A little boy or girl?" I asked her trying to keep that smile on her face
"Kylie's having a boy. I think Julian needs a little girl though, he loved Mia more than anything in this world and he really did raise her and he was a great father to her; little black haired greened eyed beauty, small like you." she had her eyes closed and was finally falling asleep.
"He'd be pretty in love, huh?" I asked her and she nodded
"Mhm, then he'd finally find someone he loved as much as you." and she fell asleep.
It was a difficult conversation to have and not to mention awkward but she fell asleep with a smile on her face and I'm hoping that when she dreams tonight it's about grandchildren and a little green eyed baby, not him.
It made the uncomfortable conversation worth it to make her happy and as promised I stayed beside her all night.
There was no tossing and turning, no crying, no screaming, just her sleeping and hopefully peacefully.