"Have you ever had that weird feeling in the pit of your stomach that you just can't understand? Is it nerves, anxiety, a border line panic attack maybe? You are so anxious and nervous at the same time that you no longer know if you should go through with certain things or just run away and hide. I told myself I would change and be the brave soul I know I could be. Sometimes though, you just can't help it. People have this notion where they believe that everything happens for a reason. However what's the purpose of this? Can't we make our own happenings for our own reasons? Or does the world have to assume command of our lives and make us worry about what's going to happen next.
#takecontrol #makeachange #livewithnofear "
Signed - LC
I found out that more people actually read my blogs now thanks to these hashtag things. It's pretty nifty. Chase will be here in a couple of minutes and I am a complete train wreck! I basically pulled all my clothes out of my closet and drawers because I didn't know what to wear. I fixed my eye liner so many times that my eyes became a bit red and I look like I have pink eye, thankfully though the pinkness is going away. I tried on 15 pairs of shoes because I couldn't decide on what shoes to wear, and brought out about 8 different purses and I still don't know what purse to use. I'm a mess! What's happening to me! I was never like this before. I would usually just throw on whatever clothes I saw and not even care if my eye liner was perfect. Now I'm so self conscious that even I'm annoyed with myself. I ended up wearing my gray tattered jeans, a long black tank then on top of that a short white butterfly printed shirt, my black leather jacket, a gray checkered scarf, and my black boots.
The doorbell rang and it literally felt like my heart stopped beating for a good 5 seconds. I ran down the stairs, swung the door open, but it wasn't Chase.
"Hi, my mom sent me over here and asked if it was okay if we borrowed a cup a sugar. My name is Brandon by the way."
"Oh... Hi, I'm Kaleigh, Kales for short. Really? A cup of sugar... that's so neighborly of you to ask."
"Hahaha! Yeah, well my mom is a Baker, and we just moved across the street. She's actually baking an apple pie if you would like to come over and have some.
"I actually have plans but can I take a rain check? I love apple pie."
"Yeah sure! Anytime you want, feel free to drop on by."
"Haha! Alright then. I'll just go and get your sugar."
" So new guy, where will you be attending school?"
"Over at Wellington. My first day is on Monday."
"No way! I go to Wellington! I guess I shall see your face again on Monday new guy."
"Yeah you will... what year are you?"
"3rd year... I'm a junior. Block Section A."
"Looks like you will be my tour guide. I have Block Section B. Hey are you Filipina?"
"I guess I can lose you on campus. Haha! Just kidding! Yes, I am Filipina, why?"
"That's mean. You're funny Ms. Kales, I like your sense of humor. I saw one of your pictures in the hall, the caption read, KALEIGH'S 4th Bday in the Philippines."
"Oh right. Yeah. My family and I went there for vacation and I ended up having my 4th birthday there."
"Nice! Well Ms. Kales, the way I see it, MAGUGUSTOHAN MO AKO. (You're going to like me)"
"You speak Tagalog?! And you're a cocky one new guy. Don't be so assuming."
"Hahaha! I was just trying to make you smile, because you have a nice smile, and hey, it did work. Yes I can speak Tagalog. My grandmother is Filipina so she taught us when we were little."
"Oh nice! I - "
"Uh, Knock Knock... Kales, you uh, ready there?"
"Oh hey Chase! Yeah I'm ready... this is Brandon, my new neighbor across the street. He just came over to borrow some sugar. Total cliché right?"
"Yeah... right. Hey man I'm Chase."
"Brandon. Nice to meet you."
"Likewise."
"He'll be going to Wellington starting Monday."
"Oh alright. So I guess we'll be seeing you around school then."
"Yeah... looks like it. Alright well thanks for the nice chat Ms. Kales, and thank you so much for this sweet sugar. It was a delight meeting you. Mamimiss mo ako. (You will miss me)"
"Hahaha! You're ridiculous! See you Monday!."
"Again nice meeting you Chase. See ya."
"Yup. Bye."
"What was that all about?"
"Oh, he's just messing around. He's pretty funny. A bit arrogant and cocky, but maybe I find him charming."
"Don't tell me you like that guy?"
"Don't be stupid Chase! I just met him. He seems like a nice guy. I have a feeling we will all be good friends anyway. So aside from that, where we going?"
"When you meet someone new for the first time you get the feeling of excitement. Especially if it is someone handsome or beautiful, witty, and has a killer smile. It's like a shot of adrenaline just rushing through your body. You end up thinking about that person for the rest of the day not knowing why, but wanting to know more about him/her. Why is it like that? We meet tons of people every single day, but there are really only a few people you can connect with, and a rare few who you will end up building chemistry with. Life works in such mysterious ways. Could this be a sign saying to move on and move forward, or is this a sign saying think twice before deciding because the past might just come back and kick you In the ass."
Signed - LC
Chase was pretty quiet the whole entire ride. We ended up going to Coaster City. I absolutely love roller coasters! The scarier the better! We walked around the theme park for a bit, small talk mostly. I had my camera with me so I took some epic shots. When we finally sat down to grab a bite to eat, I was just about to bite into my sloppy joe sandwich when Chase stopped me and said the words the four words that I loathe the most... "We need to talk."
"What about?"
"You said once that you like me. Can you look me in the eyes now and tell me that you didn't mean what you said?"
My heart once again stopped. Now for a good 10 seconds! I felt hot and flustered. I could feel my cheeks turning ruby red. I didn't know what to say so I just said... "Why does it matter anyway? Aren't you happy with Aria?"
"You're diverting from the question Kales. And it matters to me, So honestly?"
"Honestly, that summer, yeah, I did like you. I did have feelings for you. But like I said, it doesn't matter anymore because you are with Aria, and I know you're happy with her. You two are pretty inseparable."
"Kales, do you still have feelings for me?"
This is the point where I literally lost it. I guess holding in so many emotions and feelings can make a person burst...
"Do I still have feelings for you?!?!?! Are you kidding me right now?! You ask me this now when you already have a girlfriend!? Is this a joke to you??? Are you trying to mess with my emotions?!"
"Kales I'm not - "
"You're such an idiot! Yes! I did have feelings for you that summer. I finally had the nerve to tell you how I felt and all you could say was Gee Kales, uh... wow... how was I suppose to feel? So of course I laughed it off as a joke! I was sitting there waiting for an answer like a complete idiot hoping you would like me back. And when I said I was joking, you looked so relieved. And now you are asking me these questions?! Gago ka pala eh! (You're such a jerk!) You wait how many months to ask me these questions, you wait until you have a girlfriend to ask me these questions. Did you ever consider how I felt?"
"You said you were okay with it..."
"I lied... and you should've known that. You were too blind to see that I was crying in the Lake that summer. You barely even talked to me when I was in NYC. And when I come back, I come home to find out you have a girlfriend already. Do you have any idea how badly that hurts? I poured my heart out to you that summer and you just... you just didn't care to look at me to see the sincerity in my eyes."
"Kales I like you."
"Are you kidding me right now?!"
"Kales I liked you since the 6th grade. I just never wanted to tell you because I was too afraid that you would reject me and that if things didn't work out, that we would lose our friendship."
"If you were really a man you would have told me all of this that summer. I don't want to play games Chase."
"I know! I was stupid. I wanted to scream YES I LIKE YOU! But the words just didn't come out. Kales I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for being a jerk. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, but I'm here now. "
"You're here Chase, but you have a girlfriend. And I won't do that to her. No girl deserves to be second best. So if you truly don't want to be with her anymore, then break up with her. In the mean time, take me home. I've had enough of this conversation."
"Kales, come on... that's it?"
"Yes. That's it."
We were both quiet on the way home. The weekend wasn't the way I expected it to turn out. Now Chase knows how I feel about him, but I need him to step up. When I got home I basically dropped on my bed and played the whole scenario all over again in my head. While reminiscing I caught myself smiling... Shit! I still really do like him.
"There are times when we try to avoid the inevitable. But how can you avoid your heart? There are times when you just want to tear it open and say "Hey! For once would you just listen to me!" But it doesn't work that way. You sit and ponder all night about what to do, and even at the crack of dawn, you still didn't come up with a conclusion. Who knew liking someone could be so messy. @Lexie214,you asked me once if love is worth the pain. My answer for you is YES, because without the pain and the roller coaster of emotions, it would be a meaningless love story to tell. And if it's a love story that ends, then it's still a story to tell because from that relationship, you learn to love, lose to love, and most importantly, you learn how to survive through it to move on."
#love #pain #relationships
Signed - LC