One of my readers on Wattpad told me that she started watching the Outlander TV series because she liked my story so much. Wow!
I expected Jamie to feel awkward, perhaps even ignore me. After all, what we did was a rather spontaneous thing and I did entice him-make that seduced him. I'm thirty, I can deal with awkward. And I had been married to a very precocious twenty year old.
If that's what I expected, I was wrong. The next day I was in the barn, mucking stalls (a pastime which is much more relaxing than you'd think) when he came up behind me, pressing himself against me. He put his lips close to my ear and whispered, "Would ye come with me?"
"Behave yourself," I whispered, "I've got stalls to muck, and I'm barely half finished."
"Please?" Now, where have I heard that before? He might be twenty three, but he's just discovered a new toy that he can't get enough of.
"Hmmm," I said, teasing, "I have to think about this. Tell you what, you go start down at the end of the row and help me get these stalls clean, and maybe, maybe, I'll go with you."
He made a face, but grabbed a shovel and pitchfork and began to help. At last we wound up in the same stall and he began to kiss my lips and neck-I was wearing too many clothes for him to be able to reach anything else.
What the hell, I thought, how many times had Georgie found me when I didn't expect him? We had been greedy for each other, and could not ever seem to get enough. Jamie had been an outlet for all the pent up craving and grief, and now I found myself wanting him again.
"All right," I said and put the fork away and followed him. He led me to a well-hidden corner of the loft and pressed me gently down. He started undoing my bodice as he began kissing me, and when his hands found my breasts, I was past resistance. I pushed down his coat and his shirt so I could feel his chest and suck on his nipples-sounds weird, I know, but men's nipples are as sensitive as mine. I began to run my hands over his chest, his shoulders and his arms, and then notice the hardness of the skin on his back.
I pushed him back gently, against his objections I turned his torso around and looked. I whistled through my teeth, "Whose bad side did you get on? This could have killed you, Jamie."
"Jonathan Wolverton Randall, of His Majesty's army." He was embarrassed, but I patted his back gently.
"I had a couple of run ins with him myself-the last one, he tried to abduct me on my wedding day. I imagine he paid a pretty price for that." I shook my head, "If he wanted you dead, why not kill you outright? That's kinder than killing you by inches like this." I lay back on the hay, looking at his young face.
"You've been in the world longer than I, lass, d'ye ken a reason?"
This was an easy question to answer. "Yes, Jamie, it's because he hates himself, so he has to take it out on the world. He prefers inflicting pain on others to facing the reasons why. He wanted to rape me, but I don't think it was me that he wanted, I think it was my husband, who wanted no part of him". I sat up and put my arms around him, "Hate him all you will, some day, when you're ready you'll be able to forgive him when you understand how truly miserable he is. You may still hate him, but you'll be able to put this in the past. Takes a long time though, I had some forgiving to do that I never thought would happen." Like my father, I thought, when I stopped hating him I realized he was just human, and he loved me.
"Enough of that," he said firmly, "I didn't bring you up here to say confession."
"I certainly hope not, but remember, we both have work to do." Well, I wasn't so very worried about working at the moment, and it felt good to lie with him, skin to skin. He was a little more sure of himself this time. I let him have his way, stopping him only when he grew too rough. He still had a lot to learn, a lot to explore, but I didn't know if I wanted the role of teacher in Jamie Fraser's life.
My legs felt weak as I descended the ladder, and he had to catch me. "Make sure no one finds out, Jamie," I told him, "That's my one rule and it's unbreakable. Oh, rule number two is if I tell you I'm not in the mood, it means just that. I don't care for people trying to coax me if I don't want to."
I went back to the castle and coaxed Mrs. Fitz into preparing a bath for me. I'd given Lady MacKenzie some money and asked her to find some material for me so I could make both clothes and undergarments. Mrs. F informed me the seamstress would be coming tomorrow to take my measurements and determine what style of dresses I would prefer, along with everyday clothing.
This was good news. Lady MacKensie was kindness herself, at least where I was concerned. I was the widow of the son of a high ranking nobleman, and I think she enjoyed having someone close to her rank, if not higher, for company. The cobbler would be coming soon to make shoes for me, and I could give my poor Doc Martins a rest.
Mary brought me some clothes, then brushed out my hair. It was growing fast, and thick due to the pregnancy hormones. I was almost six months along now and the baby was becoming more active. I enjoyed the sense of safety I felt but feared to be too complacent. If English soldiers showed up here-which they might-could I use my Campbell name to help convince them to leave?
Therein lay the problem, I suspected that there was Jacobite activity going on clandestinely in the castle, maybe even with the laird's consent. And there was also the matter of Colin Campbell, I don't know how many here knew of my connection to him, but someone with less than honorable intentions might not think twice about alerting the English that the widow of George Campbell the second was hiding in Castle Leoch.
I left Mary and the servants to empty out the tub and began to walk through the castle. A fair-haired girl, much younger than me came up to me and introduced herself.
"Laoghaire," I repeated her name. "I'm sorry, I haven't been paying much attention, I've seen you before. I should have introduced myself."
"Oh, that's all right, Lady Campbell, I'm really no one special," she said, her smile uncertain, "when is your bairn due?"
"Oh, in four months, I should think. The first usually comes later, especially at the end of your pregnancy and you wish that the baby would hurry up because you are just plain tired of being pregnant."
This made her giggle, she really was a pretty girl. Maybe not a beauty, but cute and seemed very sweet.
"It's true," I said, "You'll find out when you have your own. And please, call me Irina, I'm not really Lady Campbell anymore, now that my husband is gone."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, it must be very hard for ye." Well, she looked sincere, but I was wondering if there was a reason for this conversation, or if she was trying to be polite.
"Yes, I do miss him, I miss him very much. I loved my husband very dearly, I doubt that I will re-marry for a very long time."
"Even though your bairn needs a father?" It was an honest question in light of the times.
"Well, I'm rich enough to be able to give my child a good life. I think I'm going to return to Belgium and stay for a while, then go back to Egypt."
I enjoyed the look of incredulity on her face. Clearly, she would not look beyond being a wife and mother, and she probably knew next to nothing about Egypt. There was a look on her face, though, that showed a curiosity to find out what it was about. Egypt seemed far away and exotic, something of a fairy tale for her, no doubt.
"I don't have my books anymore," I said, "But if you're really interested, we can talk sometime and I'll tell you about Egypt-the pyramids, the sphinx. I used to dream of them when I was your age."
She smiled, an open smile and thanked me. I took my leave and went up to my room to lay down. I took off my dress and wrapped myself in a warm quilt. Soon I was dead to the world, deep in a sleep of no dreams.
I woke suddenly, feeling a hand on my breast. I slapped it away, knowing who it was. I leaned over and lit a candle, and looked up to see him smiling at me.
"Not nice, Jamie, a very juvenile thing to do." I hadn't expected this, but it didn't surprise me. He was young enough to do things like this, new to the game, and were I his age, I might not have minded, I might even have enjoyed it. But I was thirty and pregnant and tired and all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't know why I hadn't locked my door, or if I thought I had.
"Next time knock, Jamie. I'm almost six months pregnant, and I'm tired. You only do that with a lover of long standing. There are rules to this, you know. I may be a loose woman, but I do have standards. A young, horny male does not walk into his lover's chamber uninvited. I've slept with you twice, you aren't there yet." I looked up at him to see his reaction.
He was clearly unprepared for the word "horny", "loose woman" also caught him off guard.
"Ah, then it's 'no'?" He was standing there, an expectant look on his face. I didn't know if he was serious or not.
"Jamie, aren't there some serving girls or wives you could chase after? Someone who's been hoping you'll try to seduce them?"
"You're the only one I want."
I threw a pillow at him. "No, I'm not, there were girls before me, don't lie and tell me there weren't. " I thought of the line from Harold and Maud, discarded it, "I'm only the first, and I won't be the only. Go forth and fornicate, young Jamie. There are a lot of girls out there just waiting to be plucked, and I want to sleep." I put a pillow over my head to make my point..
He laughed, pulled away the pillow, and kissed me. "Get some sleep then, I'll see you tomorrow."
As he left my room I thought to myself, I need to put a stop to this. Jamie was young, attractive, at twenty-three he was physically matured and clearly attractive to the girls of the castle. I had been selfish when I took his virginity, but there was no reason now why he couldn't behave like a healthy young man his age. And, though I did feel bad that I turned him away, he didn't need me to satisfy his lust.
When I went back to sleep, my dreams were disturbing, but no stranger than any I was having during my pregnancy. I was done with morning sickness, and I was not yet at the bulky stage, but I tended to have dreams that were very vivid, often so vivid I had trouble determining if something came from a dream or reality.
I had a long sleep, woke up feeling refreshed, but also missed breakfast at the main table, so I wandered into the kitchen and cadged some food from Mrs. Fitz. My pregnancy bought me allowances that might not have been allowed otherwise. All the women in the kitchen wanted to look at my stomach, feel if the baby was kicking-which was happening more. I ate bannocks and bacon, washed down with small ale, then went to walk in the herb garden, one of the nicest spots in the castle yard.
I'd studied medieval archaeology before I decided to major in Egyptology. One of the things I'd enjoyed was the study of medicinal herbs. They kept bees here in the garden, and I wondered if they used honey as an antibiotic as the Egyptians and the Romans did.
I knelt down and examined the echinacea, the flowers were pretty but odd with the cone protruding from the center. Echinacea was a handy thing to have around; I'd fended off more than one cold with Echinacea tea. I stood up and saw some poppies growing in the corner, opium poppies by the look of them and I had seen quite a few.
"Echinacea is good for colds," a pretty woman with hair golden blond as mine stood watching me.
"Yes, I know, I've made use of it before," I turned and pointed to where the poppies were growing, "Who planted the opium poppies? Or does anyone even know what they are?"
"Someone might, Colum experiences a lot of pain sometimes. I'm Geilis Duncan."
"Irina Campbell." I now had a last name much easier to pronounce, though I clung to Bogdashevskaya.
"I know," she said, "I came to see if there was anything I can do for you. Lady MacKensie has asked if I'd be your midwife. You're what, around six months pregnant?"
"About. You know about herbs, and opium poppies, so I imagine you might know about delivering babies. It would be nice to have someone my age, instead of an old crone who'll frighten the baby as soon as he comes out of the womb."
She laughed, a sound like tinkling bells. If I were to fear a rival, it would be her, but we seemed to be getting along.
"You've got the young lasses here worried," she said with a smile, "They're afraid you might take Jamie from them."
"Well, you can set their minds at ease, I'm not interested. The only man I'd want is my husband, and he was killed. I'm not marrying for a long time. If any of them want Jamie, they are more than welcome to him."
Her mouth twitched, "You might tell young Laoghaire that, she came to me in tears, sure that you intended to marry the young Frazer and take him to Russia with you, or was it Egypt? Anyway, she was quite broken-hearted when he ignored her last night."
"Oh." How to keep this brief and to the point and not give myself away, "Well I guess that explains her interest in my pregnancy and my husband. My husband was very young but wise beyond his years. I neither need nor want Jamie, I don't know why they're worried."
"For the same reason, women are jealous of me. Beauty can be a burden sometimes, and attract a lot of attention. Don't worry, I'll talk to young Laoghaire for you, and I'll see you tomorrow for our first official visit." She lifted a hand and passed out of the garden through an opening in the wall.
"People come and go very quickly here," I murmured, Lewis Carroll had been more right than he thought.