Axel,
There are many things that I have wanted to say to you, but I just haven't found the courage or grace to say them, so I've decided to write this where hopefully I get some of this out. For example, that one night I had spent with you has been tattooed into my mind. There are the obvious reasons why, you're not bad when it comes to sex. Other, more discreet, reasons would have been you were the first man I had slept with after the guy I lost my virginity to. He... We... Yeah, well, That's a story for another time.
When we spent the night at your place, the last thing I planned to do was sleep, because then I felt like I'd wake up to my own bed after a raunchy and slightly disturbing fantasy of a non-existent person. What I'm trying to say is that sleeping with you was like a dream.
My whole life, my worth to those outside my family has been a price tag, a beauty label, a status, I have always been something to crave and devour. When your eyes met mine, maybe it was just the alcohol induced thoughts, but I had truly felt beautiful under your gaze, for more than my looks. I felt more naked with you than I have in my life, even clothed, people have never gotten beneath my skin but the moment you had touched me in that club, I felt like I'd never be the same again.
Maybe it's just me but what I felt that night was magic.
I've had five years of over thinking to wonder what if, when and how's. Running circles in my mind trying to figure out if it was something more than what it was or if it was simply meaningless sex to you.
They say you can't fight fate.
I have been on the pill since I was sixteen, when I first started to have sex I made Mitchell wear condoms and take me to get the emergency contraception pill, I made him do it for three weeks, until my mother told me it was extremely unnecessary. There is not one time in my replayed version of events where we had unprotected sex. Of the multiple times we had sex, it was all safe! So I have no idea how it happened, but somehow I ended up pregnant.
The magic from that night formed this being in my stomach.
I hadn't bothered with trying to find you, in fact, I enjoyed the mystery of it. That is until I found out that we had created this little person and it was growing inside of me! At first I was absolutely fuming with you! Thinking that you knew who I was, wanting to create a publicity cloud around me, but my publicity had stopped. Then I started thinking about our interaction and there was no real flaws in the way we handled the situation.
I was most angry that I was left with this huge decision on my shoulders without anyone to confide in. Nineteen years old and pregnant, I decided that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I got an abortion. I couldn't fathom having a family later on in life and always pondering over my choice because I was simply not ready, it felt selfish.
I'm not a purest, I didn't believe that I was killing a baby but I know that it would always hang over my head. I didn't want to make myself suffer more with unanswered questions. I was studying a double major and my father was grooming me to take over the company and on top of that a child was thrown in to mess up my plans, but I made it work.
When I told my parents they were disappointed but supported my choice.
What I'm saying is that you have a child, we have a child.
This baby and I shared the same body for about 38 weeks and we grew together. Thirty-five hours of labour and this beautiful child was in my arms, her delicate body, so fragile and sweet. In one month she had a perfect dimple with the striking resemblance of yours. If I'm being honest, I felt so close to you, we had created this little perfection and she was also a part of you. I don't know how to describe it, but something inside me just clicked and I wanted you here with me.
Her name is Athena and, my God, she looks like you in almost every way, except for her hair colour. She has this look in her eyes, like she's analysing everything that is happening around her. I am astonished at how intelligent she is, she has the greatest understanding of right and wrong and is not afraid to let you know about it. She'll be five soon.
I searched for you, for longer than I care to admit and with my vast resources I came up with nothing. You are an ever present ghost lingering over my shoulder and when I stand with my daughter, I see you.
I would have liked for you to have been there for her first word, her first steps and her first laugh. There were so many moments and milestones I would have liked to share with you but I guess wishes on stars don't come true.
When I saw you in my office after five years I thought you were there for me, and you were. Just not for the reason I had wanted.
You barged into my life and made a huge mess in your wake. I am being honest when I say I don't regret what I did to your sister, her actions and behaviour were anything but that of a caring girlfriend. She ruined my brothers childish nativity, I had hoped he would have kept it a little longer before being hurt like that. He really did care about her. The real world and the realities of it changed him. He learned very quickly that things are not always what they seem. That's also something that I had to learn, when I held someone elses hand through labour, when I cried as loud and long as Athena when she wouldn't sleep and I had no idea what was wrong with her, the doctors appointments and every trial I've had to face without you. It's not your fault. Oh how I wish I could blame you for everything, but it takes two to make a child. It is my problem, to have carried, delivered, and now raise this child, as it was I who chose to keep her, in the full knowledge that you may never be involved in this process.
You had no desire to find me, and that's fine, but I never got the opportunity to tell you about her.
Honestly, after everything that has happened now, I don't even know if I'm going to give you this letter. I have so much hurt and pain lingering around you, you have no idea what working with Alexander has done. I don't know if I could ever allow you to be with her after this, Athena, at the age of 16 or whatever age she can understand the circumstances can come to you if she wishes to. I have not and will not ever paint her father, you, in a bad light. I will leave that up to her to decide, but Axel, if you choose to continue this path of revenge, what will be left of yourself once it's done? I think you need to understand that if you continue to ruin my life and seek out this petty vendetta you may very well lose your daughter for good. If that's what you want, I don't even know how you feel about children.
I don't write this to make you feel guilty or to point out your indiscretions, but I want you to understand the weight of this decision.
If you choose to be in her life, I won't stop you. If you choose to pretend that she doesn't exist, you can. If you choose to continue you your revenge, go for it. If you choose to work with Alexander, fine.
As Newton's third law states, "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."
Whatever you do with this information I hope that you think it through thoroughly. I will not allow you into Athena's life if you are going to be a ghost to her as well. I will not sit by idly and twiddle my thumbs if you hurt her. I will rain down hell on you if you make promises you can not keep.
Axel, if there is one thing that you take from this letter let it be this. This sweet, precious child, will be the best gift in your life and an ever present light. She is innocent and young and deserves nothing but the best.
If you can't offer her that then don't even bother uttering her name.
Regards,
Elizabeth Lawson.
A letter to Athena Margaret Lawson
My beautiful baby,
You're coming up to your fifth birthday as I write this letter. I don't know when you will read this but it will be at the right time when I know you can understand.
For your third birthday you told me you wanted a puppy and when you got a soft toy you were ecstatic, you carried it with you everywhere and called him Humphrey. We were watching a movie together and you were absolutely in love with the idea that every family had a dog, but you noticed something else.
The children had a dad.
I remember clear as day when you looked at me confused and then back at the TV. When I asked you what it was bothering me you said something I wasn't expecting, at least not for another year or two,
"Mama, can I have a daddy too?"
I felt my heart break for you and I was shocked to say the least. You looked distraught as if you had just realised your life wasn't complete, that you were missing out on something that I hadn't given you. I had pulled you into my arms collecting my thoughts and tried to find the right things to say and it was this,
"Athena, you do have a daddy-" To which your face lit up and I felt horrible for what I was about to say, "-But your daddy needs to do lots of work."
You looked at me puzzled for a moment and then back at the movie. I watched as your mind slowly consumed this information and you nodded your head determined,
" Then I'm going to work hard too Mummy! So my daddy doesn't have to work so hard. I'll be good too so he will love me too!"
I didn't know what to say, I couldn't be honest with you, not completely. I hated that you felt like you had to work for his love. At that time I didn't know where to find him. I had searched tirelessly. Some days, when you were taking a nap, I'd fall asleep at my computer searching endlessly, but I never found him.
You told me sometime after later, that all you wanted for your next birthday was your dad.
I saw how you looked at the other families with longing, watching other fathers take an active role in their lives and you wanted that. Most of all I wanted to give it to you. I know you wanted us to live in a house like a family, with a cute little dog like the people on TV.
I want nothing but to give you the world my sweet, but sometimes things don't work out the way we plan, sometimes things can't be fixed. The reality of the world is that life isn't fair.
I played two roles in your life, mother and father. I am happy with this, I wished I could have given you more but I can't.
One day, recently your father walked into my office at work and declared some rather unsavoury things I do not wish to repeat. His history and mine is just that, his and mine. I want you to know, that whatever has happened between us should not affect you in anyway. I do not want you to feel like it's your fault that we didn't play happy families. I want you to make your own judgement and choices. So I'm giving you this letter. I'm giving you the option to find him and get know him, if you wish to.
His name is Axel.
Axel Halbridge.
My darling daughter, I know that you will grow up and become a beautiful person both inside and out. I want you to know that I will do anything for you and that I have loved you from the moment I saw the little plus sign on my test. I want you to know that with or without a father does not define you as a person. He is not the world, but if you do meet him, if you do wish to ever be acquainted with him I will support you. If it goes bad I will be there and if it goes well, which I hope it does, I will help and encourage you.
With all my love,
Mum x o