Another week of silence.
This time, despite my own protests, I missed him. Which is completely ridiculous and illogical. I couldn't understand why my mind was so fixated on the idea of pursuing something with a man like Axel. He was attractive yes, but in no way was it a good thing that he wanted to... I was repeating to myself the same words, over and over again.
He wants Revenge.
He wants my ruin.
He is faking.
No matter how many times I said those things aloud and in my head they never seemed to sink in. His words about Athena still struck a nerve.
Bastard.
But it was like my mind disregarded that statement, reasoning that it wasn't Athena he was talking about. It was though, no matter how I looked at it, he had said he didn't want a bastard child to me. The fact that he didn't know he had a child did not absolve him from that comment.
Axel had a child.
Axel had a daughter.
The idea that he had a child he didn't know about started to make me feel guilty, the vindictive side of me wanted to keep her from him. To never give him the chance to see her, but that wasn't fair to my daughter, despite his behaviour to me it could be different with her, right?
I had started to write him a letter, I don't think I could ever tell him in person with my words. I know I would freeze, then whimp out. I would leave before I blurted it out or started a fight. I chewed my lip and groaned into my hands, it was a Saturday and Athena had taken it upon herself to become the spawn of Satan. I seriously doubted that in moments like this that she had come from me, it was like looking at a complete stranger. Days like these made me reconsider having a child and had serious questions about what the hype was. It was one of those days I felt guilty for thinking that I should have gotten an abortion.
My day started at 5:30 in the morning when she had an accident, as in wet the bed. Athena was very good at her potty training, so I didn't understand her sudden accident. She came into my room screaming at me to wake up and 'Fix her bed!' I was not and could not be mad about that, just her attitude after it.
After a shower to clean her up and changing her sheets and bedding we went to the kitchen. When I got her dressed and ready again she wouldn't stop crying, consistently over the smallest things, like when she dropped her toast, she cried like it was the end of the world.
I think she had it out for me today though, cause I told her to hold her hot chocolate, which was warm for her, with two hands but she blatantly ignored me and picked it up with one, not only spilling it everywhere, on herself included but she let the cup roll off the bench. She literally sat there and watch it roll away, it smashed on the ground when I couldn't catch it in time and she cried, again.
It wasn't even 6am. When I got clothes for her to wear she protested with screams and wailing 'nos' so I did the logical thing and let her choose. She picked her clothes and she happily did as if she weren't just throwing a tantrum over what to wear, when I went to change her she threw another crying fit saying she didn't want to wear those clothes. So I stood back, told her to dress herself and sat on her bed waiting for the ordeal to be over. I closed my eyes for one second and she screamed at me that she couldn't find her pony socks.
"They are in front of you Athena," I said impatiently.
It took her five minutes, more screaming, pointing them out and literally putting them in her hands before she calmed down and finished dressing herself. She wore her pink pony socks over white leggings, an orange skirt I thought I had thrown away and a lime green polo shirt with a denim jacket.
I was glad my parents were away for the weekend. I had finally talked Alice into attending college, so she was spending the weekend away to do research.
We made it down stairs again and we sat down to watch frozen. It was a battle to pick a movie and in the end I chose a movie I could tolerate without wanting to rip my hair out. I still hadn't managed to have my first coffee for the day and I was seriously considering taking up smoking to ebb away the stress.
Now I finally made it to the kitchen for my caffeine fix as Athena was crying and screaming saying she didn't want this movie. I cleaned up the glass, when I was done it was strangely silent. Silence was never a good thing with children. I walked into the lounge to see Athena sitting with my brothers collectors edition game figures, she'd broken the sword off of the man in a cape and I cringed.
"Athena!" I yelled she jumped and looked up at me guiltily.
"My brother did it." She remarked.
I glared at her and gave her my scolding mummy look, she looked at me with wide eyes and her lip started to tremble. I didn't tell her off like this often, I never really had to, these horrid days were the only time.
"M-mama?" She whimpered.
"No . Athena. This is not acceptable. This behaviour is not acceptable."
She looked like I had just burned her with a lighter. She put her head down and sniffed, her little black curls hid her golden eyes, which I'm sure were filled with tears. I wanted to take my words back, erase the thoughts I had about abortion. I felt, right now, like a horrible mother. I needed to tell her off though, she couldn't assume this behaviour was right and I needed to be mean and not her best friend, because the fact of this matter was I was not her friend, I was her mother which meant things like this had to happen.
She looked up at me, hurt shining in her eyes and tears down her cheeks. She looked like a wounded animal and she quickly stood up and ran to her room, slamming the door behind her. I sat dejectedly on the couch and ran a hand through my hair. Athena's favourite part in the movie was coming up, the love is an open door song. I watched the part and thought about Athena. I love her to bits and no matter how many times I think life would be easier without her, I wouldn't change it for the world.
When she came back down the movie was almost finished, her head was down in shame,
"Ennie baby, come here." I softly called.
The little girl shuffled over to me and crawled into my lap with her arms wrapped tightly around my neck.
"I'm sorry Mama." She whispered.
I pulled her back to look in her eyes and told her that she had to listen when I asked her to do things, not touch things she knows she's not supposed to and not to lie. I tried to keep it simple, short and sweet so she would understand and wouldn't get distracted.
She asked to watch Brave and we sat there for a whole hour before Athena was up and around again. Our talk completely forgotten about and she was up to no good once again. She said she needed to go toilet but I was sure that it didn't take 15 minutes for a child to do so. I gave Athena a little leeway, she does dawdle, but this long was too long. It didn't help that getting a business call extended that time too. I got up and ready to search for my daughter, who was undoubtedly up to trouble.
In child time 15 minutes, when causing trouble, is a lifetime. You shouldn't ever really take your eyes off them and I didn't forget this, but I thought we had come to an understanding about good behaviour.
I was wrong.
Another thing about children is that they seem to know all the things they are not allowed to get into and purposely do them just to drive you mad! The kind of mad that has you wanting to rip your hair out and rock back and forth in the corner of the room. I walked into the kitchen, where Athena knows she is not allowed to go. Her small four year old body had dragged a bag of flour out of some place, the bag was the same height as her!
She had a bikini on top of her mismatched clothing, I already told her she's not wearing, ever, with a bucket in hand filled with glitter from the rain cubbyhole. Athena had poured all the flour on the ground with a thick cloud of white lingering in the air. She had spread it all out on the tiled floors, made a flour angel and had a poured water on the flour and she was tipping the glitter on top, on her hands and knees she rolled around in it mixing up the gluey goop. I stood in my place absolutely stunned and shocked by the mess and didn't know whether to laugh or cry at her creativity.
She had broken so many rules. Athena looked up at me, mirroring my look of shock. I rolled with the first emotion I could grasp and now the shock was wearing off, the emotion I felt was anger.
"For fucks sake Athena!" I yelled loudly, my voice echoed in the kitchen.
She jumped at the sound of my voice and I could see she was holding back tears. I stomped over to her and grabbed her arm and away from the mess. She cried out in shock and I started pulling her clothes off her and wiped her down.
I let her go and stomped up to her bedroom, pulling out another change if clothes she stomped behind me crying silent tears and only standing in underwear and a singlet. I put her in jeans and a random shirt ignoring her crying and then picked her up taking her back to the kitchen.
I had to do something, I swore at my daughter, let my anger get the better of me. I needed a short minute to get control. I put her in front of the door and bent down to her level. I didn't want to intimidate her.
"Athena," I forced through clenched teeth. "This is naughty! You know that! You know you're not allowed in here without an adult!" I was starting to lose my temper again so I shut my mouth. I took a few moments to examine the damage and then looked at her, she had her puppy dog eyes on and was trying to 'cute' her way out of this, usually it would make me want to laugh. This time it made me mad.
"No, Athena!" I growled. She narrowed her eyes at me and stomped her foot.
"You said a naughty word!" She yelled at me.
"I'm a grown up I am allowed to!"
"No you're not!" She retorted.
"I'm not arguing about this Athena, I'm arguing about that!" I spat pointing to the kitchen. She looked at it and smiled.
"It was fun." She argued.
"It's naughty!"
She folded her arms across her chest. "I'm always a good girl!"
"Obviously not Athena!" How was I arguing with a four year old and why the hell did it feel like I was losing?
"Nonna says I am, sh-"
"Stop arguing with me Athena."
"No!"
"Athena!"
"Make me!"
"Athena Margaret Lawson! You stop your back talk or you will get a smacked bottom and sent up to your room!" I yelled loudly. She looked at me and held her backside, I had never smacked my child and I didn't need to, most of the time. I understood why some parents did it and if Athena needed it I wouldn't hesitate. I know for a fact I'd not lose control. I may yell but the idea of ever raising a hand to her made me want to cry. It was an empty threat.
She looked at the ground and pouted. "I hate you." She whispered, it was so soft I thought I was hearing things. When I asked her to repeat herself she looked up at me with angry eyes, the same hateful glare that Axel Halbridge had at times when he looked at me. I gasped and took a step back,
"I HATE YOU MUMMY! YOU'RE NOT MY MUMMY! I WANT MY DADDY! I HATE YOU!"
I took another step back and tried to school my thoughts and feelings, "Go... Go to your room Athena." I murmured, losing my anger and my fight. Athena looked at me and then took a step toward me, concern and regret on her face. I shook my head and pointed to the stairs,
"Room. Now Athena!"
She jumped and scurried off and upstairs, her bedroom door slamming. I lost the use of my legs and fell to the floor, I could feel my hands shaking. She didn't mean that right? I know that Athena has always wanted her father, but living with me wasn't that horrible right? I all of a sudden felt mortified, I considered and threatened to smack her, I swore at her. I raked a hand through my hair and shook my head. Today was not a great day.
It took me half an hour to clean up the mess on the floor, in between checking on Athena who was still crying in her room. I stood at her door and peaked in seeing her curled up on her bed and asleep, tears still rolling down her face. I gave her a sad smile and walked in, pulling her fresh blankets over her tiny body and wiping away the tears on her face. I kissed her forehead and closed my eyes inhaling her strawberry shampoo and whispering,
"I'm sorry my baby."
I went downstairs and sat in the living room with her movie playing the credits. I pulled my laptop out and decided to bury myself in work, it's what I have done since I was 16. I was happy when my dad decided to let me take over, it gave me a purpose, it gave me a chance to chase away all the bad thoughts streaming through my head. It stopped the memories of Mitchell. It stopped everything.
I don't know how long I worked but soon it was lunchtime and also time to feed my little rugrat. I cooked blueberry pancakes hoping to apologise properly to Athena, I had just finished cleaning up my mess when my work phone rang.
"Elizabeth Lawson speaking." I answered curtly.
"El!" Tara said frantically, she sounded distraught. "Halbridge has 50% of the shares now..."
I think my world froze right then. Everything in the room started to spin and I felt my knees getting weaker.
"What?"
"I don't know but I got into the office and he was sitting in your office with a smug grin and handed me the paperwork that said he had half control of Lawson Inc."
I looked at my phone as if it were an alien and flung it across the room. My personal phone started to ring and I answered that numbly.
"Hello girlfriend it looks like we'll be working together from now on..."
His voice was not welcome in my mind right now. I let out a frustrated scream and flung that phone across the room watching as it smashed and dented the wall. I wanted to destroy everything around me and when I picked something else up to throw I froze.
"Mama..." A meek voice cracked behind me. I turned to see my little girl standing awkwardly at the door and looking at the ground.
"I'm sorry mummy. I didn't mean anything." She whispered. I put the plate of pancakes on the bench and walked over to her, anger forgotten instantly and scooping her up in my arms, she hugged me back fiercely. "I don't want to live with daddy! I love you Mama. I sorry!" She hiccupped. I held her tighter holding my tears back sniffed.
"I'm sorry too baby. I'm so damn sorry!" I whispered.
We didn't leave each other's side until she went to bed, even then I stayed by her side until she fell asleep, just to prove to her that I wasn't going anywhere. My daughter and I have never had a fight like that before and it terrified me. I felt vulnerable for the first time in a while, my daughter knew the exact things to say to crush me. I kissed her goodnight and left her room. I could never stomach the idea of losing her. The doorbell rang and I went to open it, I wasn't expecting visitors, but I guess it was inevitable, we lost full control of our company today, it wouldn't be official until Monday.
When I opened it, I felt my anger come back, it was Cindy. She stormed in and slammed the door shut, locking it.
"Please, please... I didn't want to..." She was shaking violently and for the first time I had known her she had tears in her face. Her face, on her face were deep bruises hidden underneath a thick layer of make up. She wore a scarf. She never wears those.
"What's wrong?"
I put my hand up to remove the scarf and she flinched. I frowned, I kept moving until I pulled her scarf off. I gasped and dropped it on the ground, there was a five fingered noose around her neck.
I had that dread feeling come back and I looked at her with fear.
"C-Cindy?"
She looked at me, tears brimming,
"He made me do it... I swear! He's back!"
"Who is back?"
She shivered and collapsed on the floor, breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably as soon as she spoke,
"Alexander and he wants Athena."