I cried for longer than I cared to admit. Tara had only seen me like this once before. When I found out that I was pregnant, I felt like I would be alone and abandoned as a single mother. I didn't know how my parents would react, they were archaic in their beliefs about marriage and family, I was afraid that they'd turn their backs on me. I had seen things on television and heard stories about the best parents in the world leaving their child to fend for themselves and I selfishly didn't want to be like that. I was a teenage mother, even if it was my last year as a teenager, that's what I became and I was lucky my parents didn't disown me. In the beginning they wanted to avoid a scandal and couldn't stomach the negative press we'd received. So they kept me hidden under their roof. I didn't even go to hospital, my father hired the best doctors and nurses to do a home birth. I knew they kept me around because they didn't want the Lawson name tarnished after they had just solidified their standing in the world of money.
Once Athena was born though, their icy exterior fell away and they fell in love with their first grandchild. When their eyes landed on the little human in my arms they were done for, she had so much charm after one day of being born. The staff said she was an amazing and inquisitive newborn. I still talk to one of the nurses who was with me in the delivery room. Being the fool I was I wanted to go natural birth and when I was almost fully dilated I screamed for the drugs but I got no relief. That day I have never cursed so much in my life. I screamed at the men in the room to 'get away with their filthy baby makers.' I made one stay behind while I squeezed the life out of his poor hand, I imagined squeezing the neck of anyone who said child birth hurt less than being kicked in the balls. I think I almost broke the poor guys hand, but I still remember him asking me out for dinner. I politely declined looking at the child in my arms saying when the last time I went 'out' with a guy I ended up pregnant. I think he got the idea.
Throughout all of those trials, I had never spoken to my parents about who Athena's father was. They hadn't pried and for that I was thankful. They never made me feel the loss for not marrying before having a child. I had never felt ashamed for my daughters heritage until her own father had spat that seven letter word out. Like the seven deadly sins I was painted with every single one by Axel and I felt dirty. After sleeping with him again under his acidic seduction I felt like I had betrayed my very own daughter. I felt less human, less mother, I felt like a cheap tampon thrown away for not even being absorbent.
I think that's what hurt the most, the feeling of letting down my daughter. I couldn't give her a real father. The man who donated his seed did not want her, he had made it painstakingly obvious. Athena's greatest desire was to have a completed family and I could not offer her that, not with her the man she shared her genetics with. I couldn't put my heart on my sleeve and ask a man to whisk me away, no, love for me wasn't easy to come by. Men didn't care to see beyond my looks or beyond the money. It seemed that those two aspects of my life were fogged glass to keep everyone away. I danced in that safety and now it was a heavy burden because of Athena wanting something I wasn't sure I could offer.
But for Athena I would do anything.
I collected my thoughts and continued my packing. Eyes dried I told the girls I would tell them everything after dinner when Athena was asleep. Alice called Hamilton and we were having a girls night, the story they had waited for with bated breath would finally be revealed and once I had spilled the story they would help me move. I ordered for chocolates of all kinds, potato chips and ice cream. I wouldn't drink because I know what happened last time and I was not ready to make past mistakes.
Once Athena was asleep and I had spilled my story about everything that had happened. They sat stunned in silence. I told them of the things and evidence I had about Olivia and then I told them who Athena's father was. I told them how I searched for him, how he showed up vowing revenge for his sister and what they had done to me earlier in the day. I told them every single word spoken and every laugh and cold glance. They were stunned.
My three best friends who always had something to say we're speechless, much how I felt in the other apartment.
"Well..." Hamilton started.
"Uhh..." Alice intelligently announced
"Shit. " Tara finished.
I nodded picking up my mint choc chip ice cream tub. "Quite literally what I said when I saw him."
Hamilton placed a hand on my knee and his azure eyes looked into mine, he had tousled hair with white blonde tips. On anyone else it would look lame, but on him, it gave him a dangerous edge. Hamilton was gorgeous and so gay that I was jealous of anyone who would manage to steal his heart. He had known his sexual orientation since he was 5 years old and he owned it better than I would have been able to. He gave me so much strength because life was far from easy for him, being so openly homosexual made him a target for small minded people.
We met when I was 15 and had just transferred to the new private school for the intellectually gifted or something similar. Hamilton had been sent there as a last resort to weed out the torture of bullies. Everyone was buzzing about my arrival and I was welcomed with open arms. My first day I had come across a group of jerks who had taken it upon themselves to talk on behalf of the school population.
"I, Edward Grant Graham, am here to tell you that nobody wants you here!"
He was being held by three guys while another one threw a punch in the guys gut. I frowned unsure of what to do, this was a prestigious school, but I guess I was a fool to think that bullying didn't occur here.
"Nobody wants to get HIV from you, fag!"
I was going to walk away and talk to a teacher but I froze in my place when I heard how much hate had filled in that one word. I shivered in disgust and that's when I lost my temper. I stormed over to the guy and pulled on his shoulder making him fall on his ass.
"Speak for everyone else but me!" I eyed as I pulled my fist back and punched the kid in the face. I mean his initials spelt E.G.G I tried to take pity on him because of that but as he spat blood at my feet he sneered at me.
"You're Elizabeth Lawson and you're standing up for him?!" He exclaimed pointing in Hamilton's direction. I glared at him, and he visibly flinched.
"He's probably more man than any of you pathetic excuses for men!"
I looked into Edward's eyes and growled in the back of my throat. "At least he's honest about who he is."
I guessed that was the last straw because soon there was a miniature brawl. The five homophobic assholes versus Hamilton and I. We rocked that fight. Won hands down and only came out with a few battle scars. After that no one really bothered Hamilton and that was the last piece of publicity to go out about me. Some article about standing up to bullies and it was only in the school paper.
Hamilton and I were inseparable in school.
I forced a small smile, his nickname for me was Xena, something about a warrior princess. "You know, I wouldn't have guy trouble if you were straight," I jested.
Alice let out a laugh, "Yes you would, he'd have you strung along like all the other men Hamilton has under his belt."
He opened his mouth to protest but Tara jumped in," Oh what about Ricardo?"
I laughed and nodded my head, "Puppy dog guy? What about Quinton?"
Alice giggled and sat up straight," Didn't he get your name tattooed on his chest?"
We all laughed as Hamilton pouted at us, folding his arms around his muscular chest and glared at us all, "Why is this about me all of a sudden?" He whined.
Alice threw a piece of chocolate at him and almost choked on her own, Hamilton smirked and mouthed the word 'Karma' as Tara turned to him and shrugged,
"You're the only one, out of all of us, that has a decent dating life."
I nodded at what Tara had said and laughed to myself, "Yeah so excuse us while we live vicariously through all your conquests." He immaturely poked his tongue out at me and I laughed.
"Who knows where that's been," I quipped quickly and he only glared harder.
"I guess Hamilton isn't the only one that has an interesting history now," Alice stated. The room fell quiet and the stale air was filled with words we hadn't spoken, but we all knew. Axel Halbridge. The hum of the TV buzzed as we all thought over my situation. Tara was the first to get into action when she slapped her hands on her knees and stood up.
"I guess we should start packing."
We all stood and made our way to my room as I told them my fears and doubts. I told them everything that I had been keeping in and we didn't end up packing much. We ended up curled into my bed and talking about normal things to avoid the truth. When we had all fallen asleep Athena managed to crawl into the bed and place herself in between Tara and I. I was happy with this being our little family. That is what we were, an unrelated, happy, somewhat dysfunctional family. I could live with that, right?
°×°
Packing up an apartment you've lived in for over 4 years is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Athena woke up in the morning with more energy that should be allowed and Alice was right there with her. Tara left early to sort out things for work and Hamilton was getting up to help pack. These morning people would be the death of me.
I sent him to the pharmacy for an emergency contraception pill to avoid having another bastard to Axel. I placed my hand on my flat stomach and looked in the mirror, I swore in the delivery room that I would have no more. So what had changed? Why was I considering having another child? I'd always imagined my children having the same father so how easy would it be to skip taking the pill and just wing it? I know fate would do whatever the hell it wanted anyway, I guess there's always a possibility to have a child after sex. I was so sure that I wasn't going to get pregnant with the first time, I mean how often do condoms and the contraceptive pill fail? I hadn't heard of it until it happened to me. I imagined my stomach swollen with another child and I chewed my bottom lip, was the best revenge on someone excluding them from a life they could have lived?
I was sure that I could clear any misunderstandings about why I ruined Olivia's life, but it didn't seem necessary. Axel had chosen his side, and I probably would have chosen too, I knew that I would have chosen family. Axel may already know the truth, he had a bitter coldness to him that burnt me, all I knew was that he didn't seem to want children. I scolded myself for thinking about having another child to a heartless man like him. Before yesterday I wanted to give him the opportunity to meet Athena, see if he put the pieces of the puzzle together. I wanted to give it a chance but with a petty grudge against me I knew that I couldn't allow it, Athena was too important to be dragged into the battlefield and I would rather lay down my life than let his loose lips lash out at her.
I walked into the kitchen like a zombie, cursing my over-active morning brain. I wanted to think of things like sunshine and daisies in the morning not Axel and babies. The two words racing through my mind I wondered what he would do if he discovered he had a child. I gluttonously consumed my coffee and insisted on two more before my body could function properly.
When Hamilton returned he had two boxes in his hand and a white face. I grabbed them and read the labels, I took the pill and swallowed it quickly trying not to overthink and trying not to indulge the thought of having another child. Hamilton glared at me and shook his head, "I am never doing that again." He deadpanned, I smirked and nodded at him,
"It's not like I planned to torture you Mills," He huffed at me and scoured through my cabinets to find my scotch, poured a large glass and drank it all in two mouthfuls. I tilted my head at him and sighed wistfully.
"I can understand why guys always go back to you." He gave me a questioning glare and I smirked, "If you swallow as well as you drink I can understand." His face flushed and he blushed picking up the nearest thing and throwing it at me. I giggled and swatted the magazine away. It fell to the floor and opened up at the person who was featured in it. Our attention turned to the mag and we froze, all traces of humour gone as I looked at the printed gold eyes.
We stared at it for a few moments until Athena rushed into the room and trampled over his face. Mills and I looked at each other and burst into laughter at the irony of the situation. She didn't need her sperm donor, he wasn't worthy of it. I watched her as she made funny faces at Alice and turned around wiggling her tiny backside at her.
"Na Na Na Na! You can't touch this!"
She started dancing in a nineties style and danced around the house. Athena was obsessed with MC Hammer recently, she'd been slowly making her way through 90's one hit wonder artists talking about something to do with the purity of music. I have no idea where she had gotten that line from but I had a suspicion it was from Alice, who felt that 90's music had been the last of the good music produced. I shook my head at them dancing together. Hamilton kisses me on the cheek and told me he had an important appointment.
Alice answered the door and men walked in, I raised an eyebrow as a man walked toward me with an outstretched hand,
"Lance Franklin, moving company." I nodded my head and told them what and where things needed to be moved, I asked them to do it discreetly and quick. I got Alice and Athena out of the room and we got into my limo heading straight for the hospital. I couldn't put it off, my father needed me and I couldn't avoid this because of my own fears.
I took a deep breath when we arrived at the underground parking and took Athena's hand in mine. She looked at me with a frown.
"Mummy, why are we here?"
We walked into the lift and I pressed the highest level. It was a private floor made for high end clients, they were the best and most expensive but the price was worth it if it bought their silence. "This is a place for sick people."
Athena frowned at the closing doors, "But I'm all better now Mama."
I gave her a sad smile and shook my head, "I know baby, Pa isn't feeling well."
Athena looked at me sceptically and shook her head like she didn't believe me. When the doors dinged open I went straight to the reception. I looked at the woman who gave me a slight glare. I was in sweats and a hoodie, I didn't look like I belonged here and despite my posture she seemed to have judged me already.
"I'm here to see Lachlan Lawson."
The woman scoffed at me and shook her head. "There is no one here with that name." I sighed and went into my bag to find my license. It seemed Athena wasn't having any of that as she stomped around the desk with her hands on her hips and gave the woman the famous Lawson glare.
"My mummy doesn't lie!" She stated confidently and tapped her foot impatiently. "Where is my Pa!" She demanded.
I found my license and cleared my throat at the stunned lady and handed her my identification, "Show me to my father's room." I said, leaving no room for argument. The receptionists eyes widened and she looked between my daughter and I, nodding mutely and opened her mouth to apologise when Athena interrupted her.
"No." She growled at her. "Pa. Now!"
I have said it before but Athena loved her Pa, almost as much as she loved me. She was a force to be reckoned with and I was sure that her dominating personality didn't come from just me. The lady nodded mutely and stood from her chair scurrying toward a room furtherest from the lift. I nodded at the guards standing at the door and Athena ran to the two imposing men and hugged them.
The receptionist watched as the scary looking men hugged and talked to my little girl with enthusiasm and animation. I gave her a curt smile and dismissed her. She ran off quickly before she could be scolded and I watched as the two men caught up with Athena. It had been a while since I'd taken her to see my parents, maybe we should visit them when dad was out of here.
I opened the door as the men greeted me happily and Athena followed. We stood in the room that looked more like a penthouse suite instead of a hospital but on the bed with a pale face and glasses perched on his nose was my father, looking weak and frail but still busy with paperwork.
I sighed with hands on my hips and he turned to look at me.