Chapter 52: Crownless Princess
September
She invited me to join her eat breakfast, but I'm already done with mine so I decided to drink coffee na lang while she eats. We talk as if it's been years kami uling nagkahiway--pero I think tama ang hinala ko. There's something weird about Maggie. The way she acts; the way she speaks; even the way her eyes move--they're singing in unison of some kind of weirdness. The only usual or should I say normal thing that I notice from her at the moment is her kadaldalan. Pero still, I can sense it--she's being madaldal not because she's acting her normal self, but because she's hiding something from me, or maybe avoiding something. I'm really not sure.
When I try to instill my thoughts in our conversation, or open a new topic, she immediately tells a new story that hinders me from talking--and that is not her normal attitude. The Maggie I know knows how to listen, when to speak, and what to say. But now, all I'm doing is to listen. Parang ayaw niya akong pasalitain. Parang ayaw niyang ma-corner ko siya--and that keeps me wondering.
Oh, my God! I'm getting paranoid. This is the thing I don't like about myself--too keen to observe, too attentive to details. Lahat ng movements, words na ginamit, and even sound na na-produce ng kausap or kaharap ko, binabasa ko. Too much that I think I'm getting paranoid. Ugh!
To be honest, I would like to ask her a question: Who is Dave na na-mention ni MJ kanina? I thought wala siyang kilalang Dave or David. I know, Maggie and Dave are in the same school and same batch, and yet I know too na hindi sila magkakilala. Maggie said it when I told her about Dave. Pero why do I feel that there's something? All of a sudden, something crossed in my mind: I haven't told Dave about Maggie, yet. Hence, there's really a missing link amidst my discreet mental queries.
"Wait, cuz!" I finally made singit.
"Aahhh..." Napanganga siya bigla.
Nag-isip muna ako saglit if I'll go straight to my question na pero ang nasabi ko lang, "The chow-chow, isn't it cute?"
She sighed and said, "Oo nga, ate. Kaya nga sobra akong na-surprise kanina, eh. Gift daw ni mama sa'ming tatlo. Um, ikaw--anong gift mo sa'kin?"
"Hm, siyempre, meron na. I'll give it on Christmas. Eh, gift mo sa'kin?"
"Wala pa nga, eh. Baka bukas or sa isang araw pa ako mag-aayos ng mga pang-regalo. Siyempre hindi ka mawawalan. Ikaw pa."
Then suddenly, napansin ko na lang uli na iba na naman ang usapan namin. Honestly, I felt relieved knowing Maggie and I are still okay--no rifts, no any negative feelings for each other--but, god, I can really sense she's trying to divert me.
"You know what, cuz, I honestly thought you were mad at me," I blurted out in the middle of our talk.
She was surprised with what I blurted out, so do I. "A-ate... Pwede ba?"
I felt a bit nervous with what she's gonna say. Will she admit it--may nagawa nga ba akong mali sa kanya na hindi ko alam, or baka naman wala talaga at paranoid lang talaga ako? She continued, "Pwede, tagalog lang?"
"He... He he," tanging reply ko. I thought serious na kami pero lagi na lang may bale ang pinsan kong 'to. Hindi niya talaga kaya ang magseryoso nang sobrang tagal. The best thing about her pa is she's so positive--the thing she taught me.
"Bakit naman ako magagalit sa'yo? Ano ka ba?! Ate naman kasi. Paulit-ulit? Busy nga ako sa studies ko, kaya sorry na. Babawi talaga ako, promise!"
I smiled and said, "Akala ko kasi talaga, eh... Na-miss lang talaga kita sobra."
Tumayo siya sa upuan niya, tumabi sa'kin at niyakap ako.
I invited them to join us on Christmas/family reunion, and they all accepted it, but Maggie did think twice pa before she said yes--and that made me more doubtful about something she's hiding--or avoiding, maybe.
"Basta, ha," I said habang hinahaplos ko ang straight hair niya before ako magpaalam umuwi, "You've already said yes, aasahan ko kayo."
"Oo nga, ate. Promise," she replied with right hand raised as a sign of pledge. We kissed one another and then I said goodbye to all of them.
I was a bit happy to see my bestfriend again and felt a bit relieved to know that we're still okay. BUT--yes, there's a big but because my prior dislikable thing I felt was replaced by another one. I think she's hiding something from me. When my driver was about to leave, I'd seen someone who aggravated my feeling of unknown.
"Kuya, wait po," I said to my driver. Tinignan ko nang maigi ang babaeng nakikita ko na nasa labas ng gate nina Maggie. Nagtaka ako bigla kung bakit siya nandun. I know that girl--she's Chloe, I'm sure. She gets inside my cousin's house. Oh, my God! They know each other? How come? And how come I don't know? I feel like I'm bereft of things-I-should-have-known. Now my heart's pounding. "Kuya, tara na po," I said in haste to my driver, as if I'm afraid to be seen by them.
Naguguluhan na talaga ako. Ka-batch ko si Chloe, she's Dave's friend din, and--Dave, Chloe, and Maggie are in the same school, so most probably, they know each other.
Suddenly, for the nth time, MJ's words crossed again in my mind, "Mavid na lang para pinagsamang pangalan niyo ni kuya Dave," pati na 'yung, "DJ na lang, para pinagsamang name namin, David John."
Sinong Dave or David ang tinutukoy ni MJ? Bakit kailangan ng portmanteau para sa puppy? Bakit nagpunta si Chloe kina Maggie? With the few facts I'm bearing in my mind, I think I knew the answer--but I'm not yet sure--it wasn't confirmed yet. Anong malay ko, baka ibang Dave ang kakilala ni Maggie.
Sumasakit ang ulo ko sa kakaisip. I look at my phone and see if I received a text from Dave. Dave's not texting me for a long time na. Last time na paramdam niya sa'kin ay kanina nung nag-favorite siya ng tweet ko, but it's just plain--a close-ended paramdam.
Pagkauwi ko, I immediately opened my laptop, and started looking for answers. The first thing I do is to check my mutual friends with Dave. My Gosh! We have 372 mutual friends. Sumasakit na ang ulo ko sa paghahanap sa pangalan ni Maggie dahil sa sobrang dami. While I'm looking for Maggie, I was praying that she's not one of Dave's FB friends--but a part of me is still expecting to see her name in the list. After a few minutes of looking, I got shocked to find out my cousin's name, although I slightly expected it to see--maybe because the bigger part of me is wishing not to see her name.
I thought of looking at each other's tag photos, but I've found no pictures of them together--lalo na sa mga album nila--I double-checked it pa nga, and because of that, gumaan nang slight 'yung feeling ko.
I mentally laid everything on my mind: First, Dave and Maggie are FB friends; second, Maggie and Chloe seems to be friends, if not, I'm sure they know each other; third, MJ kept mentioning Dave/David kanina, trying to combine pa their names; and lastly, Maggie said she doesn't know David Angeles de los Santos, or any Dave at all (okay I'm not sure about the latter).
Now, it's time to rationalize. First, If Maggie doesn't know Dave, then why are they friends on FB? Maybe the answer is she added Dave as a friend after I told her about him. Second, if Maggie and Chloe are friends, then it's quite impossible that Maggie and Dave don't know each other, as Dave and Chloe are almost together everyday--they are in one circle of friends. Um, possible reason, maybe my cousin and Chloe aren't too close, or they just knew each other--'yun lang. Pwede pa rin naman kasing hindi niya talaga kilala sina Dave, eventhough his kind of famous at his school, kasi nga my cousin is a serious student--a dedicated one. Baka nga nerd pa siya, eh, I'm not sure. But If I'm right, then it's really possible na hindi niya kilala si Dave, at si Chloe lang talaga ang kilala niya. Third, sinong Dave 'yung binabanggit ni MJ kanina? Maybe ibang Dave 'yun. Maraming Dave or David sa mundo. Pero how special that Dave is ba para i-combine ang name niya sa kanila? And lastly, if Maggie did say she doesn't know Dave before I told her everything about him, then why are these things I've found out just today seem to speak one verse?
Ugh! My head's aching--overloading with too much things-I-do-not-expect. Maggie and Chloe are friends; MJ mentioned someone named Dave/David; Maggie in some ways acts weird; Maggie and Dave are FB friends; and kung iisipin ko, since that night when I told her about Dave, nag-umpisa ko ring maramdamang she's keeping a distance from me.
I notice na bumibilis na ang breathing ko, and naka-frown na ako. Tama ba 'tong kutob ko--na Dave and Maggie really knew each other?
Naisipan ko bigla na alamin kung pati sa Twitter ay connected sila, and when I checked it, lalo lang lumala ang heaviness sa chest ko. I found out that Dave and Maggie are following each other. Wow, Maggie! You have a Twitter pala and you didn't even tell me--and worse, you're not following me. I don't like this. My head and my chest feel so heavy, and my eyes starts burning.
I read some tweets from Maggie, and fuck what I've found out! It's confirmed--Maggie, Chloe, Daniel, Don-Don, and most of all, Dave--they are all friends! And it's so bad of me for not liking it. Why? Simply because my bestfriend told me she doesn't know my guy--the one I'm about to marry. And the worst of all worst from what I've found out, Dave and Maggie call each other 'ube'.
I feel like my world is slowly disintegrating--and it makes me want to cry. However, there's no single tear forming in my eyes. It's like my eyes are turning into a desert--dry and hot.
If this sentence is a song, My bestfriend lied and I don't know why, then I'm having an LSS at the moment.
I lied down and closed my eyes. Hindi ako mapakali. Napakabigat ng dibdib ko. I can feel the air entering my lungs are consolidating--it blocks my breathing. Umupo ako sa bed ko. I need an outlet. I can't cry, so I decided to let my feelings out through what I am used to do: writing--my emotional exercise.
I opened my laptop and started writing, "Various Ways of Killing Your Bestfriend".
1) Minimize your words, and take a long time to reply when you're talking to your bestfriend. Don't even start a conversation--just let him/her do it, and when he/she started talking like the usual, do not listen attentively. Don't make him/her feel like you're interested with what he or she is saying. Don't even give comfort or advice when he/she feels down.
2) When he/she sends a message on Facebook, don't reply and let it be SEEN--always, so he/she will wonder what's on your mind, and will eventually think as crazy as hell what's the fucking problem between you and him/her because you're not replying. Not-replying and just-letting-it-be-seen to his/her message is an effective act of snubbing, and a bestfriend snubbed by his/her bestfriend feels like hell.
3) When you're together in a group, mingle with others. Keep a distance from him/her. Most extravagantly, keep laughing with others, and then stop when he/she comes near. It will kill him/her by knowing you're happy with others.
4) When your bestfriend asks a help, don't help. Tell him/her you're busy, then intentionally make him/her know that you're really not busy, or you're simply busy with fucking less important thing—like when he/she chatted you on FB, and ask for a help, say you're busy, then send him/her a game request immediately.
5) When he/she invited you to accompany him/her, don't come. Tell him/her you have a prior commitment, then take a picture of yourself and post it to social media and shout it out that you're gonna be committed to your bed for the whole day. Better move, go out with others.
6) When your bestfriend told you about his/her beloved one, do your best to include yourself in the picture not as a supporting cast, but as a third party--or as a replacement of him/her in case they're not together anymore.
I suddenly put my writing in a halt when I felt my tears falling. All of my thoughts are simultaneously running inside my mind. It makes me dizzy, so I decided to stop and continue it again next time--because at the moment, I still can't handle this.
I lie down again--asking myself: Why did my cousin-slash-bestfriend lied to me? And why do I feel... No, I'm not feeling this. I'm not... I'm not... Ugh! Why do I feel... Do I really feel... No... I'm not... I'm not feeling... Okay, yes I feel it... Um, no. Fine. I'm jealous. I'm jealous because Dave and Maggie are sweet to each other, based on what I've read from Twitter. I'm jealous because MJ wants to name their puppy the combination of Maggie's and Dave's name. I'm jealous because their happy--and they both keep distance from me--I don't know if it's intentionally done or not. I don't care! I'm just fucking jealous.
Kanina, nagtatampo ako hanggang sa naghinala na ako, hanggang sa nagulat, hanggang sa nadismaya, hanggang sa nagselos--at ngayon, nagagalit na ako. I don't like what I'm feeling. I'm so paranoid. I'm so pessimist. I'm so--ugh! I'm jealous, and I'm mad.
I'm mad because of all people who will lie to me, it's her pa. I'm mad because of all people who'll be in the picture, it's Dave and Maggie pa.
Suddenly, I heard somewhere out of the part-of-my-brain-I-do-not-know a voice arguing, "It's not yet confirmed." I answered, "Oh, yeah? Not yet? So what are those things I've discovered saying? God! Sometimes, you don't have to confirm the obvious, so you'll take less pain."
See? I'm getting insane now--arguing with my mind.
"Wait," I told myself. I remember Maggie keeps telling me whenever I'm getting blinded by negative thoughts, "Shoo! Shoo! Walisin ang negative thoughts!" So I imagine her telling me this now. Ganyan siya kapag nagiging pessimist ako. By nature, I'm a pessimist kasi, and she's the one who's so optimist. That's the best thing about us. We're totally opposite yet we're extremely complementary.
Actually, siya ang nagturo sa'kin kung paano maging optimisit. Sabi niya, "Kapag nakakaisip ka na ng masama, baligtarin mo--mag-isip ka ng maganda. Nakaya mong mag-isip ng hindi maganda, kaya kayang-kaya mo ring mag-isip ng maganda. At least, kahit malungkot ka at the moment, kahit paano, nabaligtad mo ang sitwasyon kapag nag-isip ka na ng maganda."
Everything in my mind at the moment are formed by the negative part of my brain. And tama si Maggie when she said, "Nasa sa'yo 'yun kung anong mas paiirailin mo, 'yung negative part ng brain mo, o 'yung positive part ng brain mo."
I sit down on my bed and help myself by taking a deep breaths. I'm now trying to spin my brain. I'm letting the positive part of my brain be dominant. So I try to give a postive logic on what I've found out today. First, Dave and Maggie are friends even before I told her about him--but she lied to me. Reason? Um, I guess she did it because... Hmmm... Is she planning a surprise? Kung ganun sila ka-close ni Dave, malamang alam niya na we're about to be engaged, at kaya sila hindi nagpaparamdam sa'kin, baka nagpaplano na pala sila ng surprise. I suddenly feel my lips are slowly lifting a smile. Paano nga kung ganun? I know her--she likes surprising her loved ones. I remember she said na wala pa siyang gift para sa'kin. Baka nga isu-surprise nila ako? Like what she did when I celebrated my 7th birthday. She said she's not coming, until she showed playing a piano for me. That was so surprising and endearing.
Humiga ako uli. For some unknown weird reason, naalala ko na naman ang younger years namin ni Dave. We were classmates since grade 5. One day, pinagtabi kami ng adviser namin ng upuan. I remember I was so nervous that day. He's the crush of every girl in the class--and of course, I'm discreetly one of them.
Ilang days pa 'yung lumipas bago kami nagkausap. Nahihiya kasi ako sa kanya. Tahimik siya, eh, until one time, wala siyang one-half lenghtwise na paper for our quiz. I handed him one and then everything's started with his thank you. Pinakopya ko pa nga siya ng sagot ko nun. 'Yun na, hindi na kami nawalan ng time na mag-usap.
Nasa ibang section ang mga super close friends niya kaya sa classroom namin, ako lang talaga ang ka-close niya. Na-notice ko na lang na one week, araw-araw binibigyan niya ako ng chocolate. At the end of the week, I had a toothache I can't bear, kaya nagpabunot ako ng ngipin. The next Monday, pumasok ako na bungi.
Walang time na hindi ko inalis ang panyo sa bibig ko to cover my one less tooth smile. Hiyang-hiya ako that time. Unfortunately, nung breaktime naiwala ko ang panyo ko, kaya pagbalik ng classroom, hindi na ako umimik. Pa-nod-nod at pa-headshake-headshake lang ako--pero sa kamalas-malasan talaga tinawag ako ng teacher ko para sa recitation. The whole classroom saw the thing I lost. I was bungi when I answered my teacher. I was so belittled by the outburst of laughter from my classmates. Maiyak-iyak na ako nung bumalik ako sa upuan ko, but I saw Dave. He's not laughing. He handed me his hankie and smiled. That moment, I felt the best comfort I needed. His hankie was so bango. His smile was so gwapo.
After the class, sabay kaming lumabas. Sabi niya sa'kin, "Patingin nga." Nagtaka muna ako bago ko maintindihan na 'yung bungi ko pala ang tinutukoy niya. I smiled at him, and tumawa siya nang malakas na malakas nang makita akong bungi. Pero... Pero tumawa rin ako. Hindi ako napikon. Hindi man lang nga ako nakaramdam ng insulto from his laugh. That moment, I was so happy. I was so happy to see him happy.
Grade 6 kami, nagtapat siya sa'kin. Naghahabulan kaming dalawa nun. Naabutan niya ako. Tumigil kami. Hingal na hingal. Pero magkatitig kaming dalawa. Suddenly he said, "I can see something in your eyes."
"Ha? Ano 'yun?" sagot ko, sabay punas. Akala ko kasi may muta ako o anumang dumi sa mga mata ko, hanggang sa sinabi niya uling, "I see four letters floating in your eyes."
Four letters daw. Hindi ko siya naintindihan. "Ano nga 'yun?"
"L-O-V-E"
Nagkunwari ako that time na parang wala lang. Nag-smirk lang ako, eventhough deep inside, I was so kilig na.
"I have a crush on you, Sep," sabi niya pa nang nakapamewang at hinihingal.
I turned my back immediately. Ayokong makita niya ang reaksyon ko. Iniwan ko siya at dumeretso sa wash room.
Pagkatapos nun, nabawasan ang daldalan namin. Hindi namin napigilang magkaroon ng ilangan. Bago niya pa sabihing crush niya ako, crush ko na siya pero hindi ko lang sinasabi. Hanggang sa dumating na ang graduation. Inulit niya sa'king crush niya daw ako, at hindi ko na napigilang umamin sa kanya na crush ko din siya.
Naaalala ko ang ngiti niya nung umamin ako sa kanya. Iyon ang pinakamaganda niyang ngiti.
Highschool kami nang simulan niya akong ligawan. Simula pa pala nung unang araw na magkatabi kami sa upuan sabi niya gusto niya na raw ako--ganun din naman ako sa kanya, eh. Everyday, he was consitently making me fall for him deeper and deeper. Sa lahat ng nanligaw sa'kin, siya lang ang in-entertain ko. Siya lang ang iba. Siya lang ang gusto ko.
Sobra kaming komportable sa isa't isa na hindi lang puro cheesy moments ang nangyayari. Nag-aaway din kami. Nagsasagutan. Nagkakapikunan. Pero at the end of the day, we're still happy with each other's company.
I remember that moment when we're at the school playground. We were sitting on the long bench at the study hall. I was reading a book, then suddenly, he locked my hair behind my ears. I looked at him and said, "Ano 'yun?"
He smiled and said, "I just want you to hear it clearly if I'll say... I love you." I went back on my book, but from then on, I got lost by his words.
Kalagitnaan ng school year nang sagutin ko siya. I remember that day, we were both exhilarated by each other's presence. Sa sobrang dami ng napag-usapan namin, natahimik kami--pero that was so bilis lang. Ang ginawa ni Dave. Binilang niya ang hibla ng buhok ko.
"One, two, three, four, five," he counted.
"What are you doing? That's so wierd," I said.
"Shhh... I'm counting the strands of your hair."
"Dave, hindi ka matatapos niyan."
"I know."
"So stop na."
"Bibilangin ko lahat ng hibla ng buhok mo at sisiguraduhin kong palagi akong magkakamali kung ito lang tanging paraan para palagi kitang makatabi."
Ilang araw matapos maging kami, we we're caught by my father eating together at the school cafeteria. At the same time, Dave's mother came. She approached us and got away his son from me. The next week, Dave and I were no longer classmates. Nalaman na lang namin ang rivalry between our fathers that hindered us to be together. Hence, we became the Sun and Moon.