Chapter Five
"Sam, nakatulala ka na naman d'yan. Magbubukas na tayo." My friend, Jen, lightly tapped my shoulder. Do'n lang ako natauhan. Inayos ko ang saklay ko at dahan-dahang tumayo. Nilapitan ko siya na ngayon ay nag-aayos na ng mga ulam.
May karinderya kaming dalawa. Magkatulong kami sa pagluluto ng mga ulam na ibini-benta namin sa umaga. Matagal na naming ginagawa 'to. Simula noong na bankrupt ang hotel na pinagtatrabahuhan naming dalawa ay ito na ang naging negosyo namin.
"Paki bukas na lang ng bintana natin." Pahaba ang bintana namin. Binubuksan namin ito kapag magtitinda na kami dahil nasa loob ang mesang may mga pagkain.
Lumabas naman ng bahay si Jen para ayusin ang mesa at upuan sa labas. Inilabas niya na rin ang mga baso at kutsara at tinidor. Pinunasan ko ang mesa habang siya ay abalang inaayos ang mga pinggan.
Nahuli ko siyang nakatingin sa akin na tila nagtataka. Itinigil niya ang pagpupunas sa mga tinidor na hinugasan ko kaninang umaga. "Ikaw... ang tahimik mo ngayon. Siguro iniisip mo na naman si Zade, 'no? Umamin ka."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Isang linggo na simula noong huling pagkikita namin.
True to what he mentioned, hindi na nga siya bumalik o sumubok na kausapin akong uli. Marahil ay napagtanto na n'ya na hindi naman talaga kami bagay para sa isa't-isa. Sino nga ba naman ako para sa isang Monteverde na ipinanganak na lahat ay nasa kanya? Ano nga ba, maliban sa pagmamahal kong minsan ng sumira sa aming dalawa, ang kaya kong ibigay?
Sabi nga niya, isa lang akong kabanata. Kaya kailangan ko ng itigil ang pag-iisip na hanggang sa epilogo ng buhay niya ay ako ang kasama.
I had my chance and I completely blew it.
Deep down, I fantasized about Zade knocking on my door, with tears in his eyes, telling me that I'm still the one that he loves. The thought of that makes me cry at night because I know how impossible it is.
"Aba'y malay mo naman bumalik 'yon dito. 'Wag kang mawalan ng pag-asa. Sabi nga nila, love founds away." She tried to cheer me up, pero napangiwi lang ako. "Bakit ganyan ang reaksyon mo? Mali na naman ba ang grammar ko?"
Nakangiti na tumango ako. "Love finds a way."
"Magkatunog naman. Gets mo din naman ang point ko."
"Hindi na 'yon babalik. Sigurado ako, Jen. Ito na ang wakas."
With the kind of answer Zade had given me when we last met, I knew that he was sincere. He really didn't think it was wise if we see each other again. It made everything inside me break and shatter.
"Kailangan ko bang pumusta?"
"I don't think that'll happen, Jen. Zade has a life, you know?" I commented.
I wonder what his life is like right now.
I wonder if he still sleeps bare-chested. I wonder if he still loves blueberry muffins. Does he still dance to random songs? Does he still roll his eyes at his sister, Daze? Does he still randomly crack his knuckles when he's tensed?
I used to know everything about him. From his favorite color, to his favorite past time, to the things he deems offensive. Maybe he no longer likes tennis, maybe he no longer watches Angelina Jolie films, maybe he no longer likes Marvel as much as he did before. I'm sure that he doesn't write mathematical formulas on his palms anymore. Seeing him makes my heart ache for all the wrong reasons.
Time changes people - it creates a different version of them.
But... doesn't love transcend time?
"Cheer up, Sam."
Naalis lang kay Zade ang utak ko nang may sumulpot na isang kostumer. Umorder siya ng menudo at kanin. Inilagay ko ang bigat ko sa isang paa para masuportahan ang pagtayo ko bago ko inihanda ang order n'ya.
Pagkatapos ay naupo ako sa isang tabi at naghintay ng iba pang bibili. Gano'n lang naman ang nangyayari sa araw-araw. It's the same never-ending routine. We make a living out of selling viand. Dati parehas kaming janitress doon sa hotel ni Mr. Alfonso, pero unti unting bumagsak ang negosyo niya hanggang sa napilitan siyang ibenta ito. Nalipat sa isang mayamang intsik ang property at nirebuild ito. Kaya heto kaming dalawa, nagtutulong sa pagluluto ng mga putahe para lang matustusan ang mga pangangailangan namin.
Kahit ganito ang buhay namin, nagpapasalamat pa rin ako. May pagkain sa hapag kainan, mayroon kaming bahay na kahit inuupahan lang ay maayos at malinis naman, malusog kaming dalawa at walang malalang karamdaman.
It may not be the life that I dreamed of having, but we have our basic needs.
***
The evening came swiftly.
"When darkness falls in and you see the moon high up, be assured that I will always love you the way the sky yearns for the stars."
I remember Zade telling me that once before. I could almost feel his soft arms wrapping around me, kissing my throat, whispering sweet poetic words only someone like him could possibly think of. I looked at the sky and saw a glimpse of the glistening moon.
Malungkot na lang akong napangiti habang nakatingin sa labas ng bintana. Malamig ang hangin, tinatangay ang buhok ko at ang blusa ko. A tear fell, or maybe two of them. Seeing him again re-opened old wounds that I thought have healed long ago.
"I love you the way the sky loves the earth. It tears up every once in a while because of a love that cannot be." Pumikit ako at huminga ng malalim. Gusto kong paulit-ulit na isigaw sa kawalan ang pagmamahal ko kay Zade. I wanted to let it all go in one single yell. Maybe by doing so, the wind will carry and wash away my anguish, my regret.
The love that I have for him is not easy to put to words.
I realized that there isn't a single adjective in this world that can properly describe the warmth in my chest, the tingling at the back of my spine, and the butterflies that constantly flutter in my stomach.
I don't love him the way a smoker loves a cigarette. I love him the way a smoker loves smoke itself. He inhales it and exhales it and he gets lost in it. It is toxic, it is dangerous. But he puffs, nonetheless.
Lumayo ako sa bintana at pumunta sa kwartong inookupa ko. Mula sa ilalim ng kama ay kinuha ko ang isang puting box na may nakasulat na pangalan ni Zade sa taas. Hinugot ko ang parte sa kita namin ni Jen kanina. Kumuha ako ng two hundred at nilagay sa box.
Noong kami pa ni Zade, ang dami niyang ginastos para sa akin. Binigyan niya ako ng pera panggamot kay Nanay noong naospital siya, baon sa university, pera para makumpleto ang requirements sa mga subjects.
He had helped me and never once did I hear him ask for anything in return.
When I ran away from home, I swore to myself that I will repay Zade for all his help, all his kindness. Kaya tuwing may sobra ako, ilalagay ko sa box na ito, in hopes that one day, it will be big enough to at least compensate for all the money he had to spend because of me.
One day, kapag malaki na ang naipon ko rito, I will find a way to reach out to him again to give him this and reclaim some of my integrity.
"Sam?" Jen knocked on my bedroom door. "Naghain na ako. Tara na."
I stashed the box below my bed again and walked out to eat dinner with Jen. Ang ulam namin ay tirang afritada mula sa paninda kanina. Habang kumakain ay nakabukas ang telebisyon. May nakita akong pamilyar na mukha rito.
Alexander Monteverde -- Zade's older brother looked so confident and in control. He was being interviewed by a famous host because of another business achievement. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. This is once again a reminder na hindi kami nababagay ni Zade. Their world is very different from mine. They were royalties, suits and ties, glitters and sunshine. While I was dirt, crutches and confusion mixed into one.
"Jen, do you ever wonder what would've happened if your boyfriend didn't leave for Kuwait?" kaswal kong tanong habang kinakalikot ang nakausling kahoy sa gilid ng saklay.
Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay bago sumubo ng kanin. "Araw-araw. Walang hiyang Jomari 'yon! Nang makarating siya ro'n ni hindi man lang nagparamdam!" Kumagat siya uli bago sumimangot. "Pero okay na rin 'yon. Hindi naman siya kagwapuhan. Ikaw, Maria Samantha, bakit mo ako tinatanong ng ganyan? Malamang kay Zade na naman mauwi ang usapan."
Umiling-iling ako at nag desisyon na hindi na mag kwento. Tumayo ako at tumulong sa pagliligpit ng hapag-kainan. Ako ang nagpunas ng lamesa habang siya ang naghugas ng mga pinggan. Nang matapos kami ay nagpaalam na siyang dumiretso sa kuwarto upang maagang matulog habang ako ay nagpaiwan sa sala para manood ng mga teleserye.
Busy akong iniiyakan ang palabas nang makarinig ako ng nagmamadali at sunod-sunod na katok. Nagtatakang nilingon ko ang kahoy na pinto bago dumako ang mata ko sa orasan sa gilid. Alas-nuebe na ng gabi at wala naman kaming ineexpect na bisita ni Jen. Sino naman kaya ito?
Pinatay ko ang telebisyon at kinuha ang saklay ko. Unti-unti akong naglakad papunta sa pinto at sumilip sa siwang. Tila nauubusan ako ng hininga nang malaman kung sino ang nakatayo sa harap ng pinto. Binuksan ko agad ito at sinalubong ako ng madilim niyang tingin.
"Sam," he called.
"Zade?" Hindi ko maintindihan. I thought it wasn't wise for us to see each other, but why was he here? "Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito? It's late."
Hindi niya sinagot ang tanong ko. Inulit ko ito. "Bakit ka nandito?"
He shook his head, eyes as blank as the darkness of the night.
"I couldn't..."
"You couldn't what?"
His shoulders fell. "I couldn't help it."
***
"Ang ganda ng buwan ngayon," saad ko habang naglalakad kaming dalawa. Hindi ko alam kung saan kami pupunta, ang alam ko lang ay pumayag ako agad nang sinabi niyang samahan ko siyang maglakad.
It may not be a wise decision, considering the time, but I trust Zade with my life.
He stayed silent while we walked side by side. He was wearing faded black jeans and a white v-neck shirt. He had his gray sneakers on and it was already caked with mud. His tousled hair was being swept by the wind behind.
"Alam mo ba, kanina ang dami naming customer sa tindahan. Tapos mayroong isang middle-aged na babae na tinarayan 'yung kaibigan kong si Jen dahil ang kaunti raw ng serving, e dinagdagan n'ya na nga. Ayun, medyo nag-init ang ulo ng kaibigan ko, nataasan niya ng boses. Nagalit tuloy 'yung babae at sabi niya never na raw siyang bibili sa amin. Idinabog niya pa ang bayad..." Namatay ang boses ko nang mapansing tila hindi naman nakikinig si Zade sa kwento ko. I tried to tell him about my day para naman may pag-usapan kami, nakakabingi na kasi ang katahimikan.
"Zade?" pukaw ko sa kanya.
He sighed heavily. "Do you have a boyfriend, Sam?"
Napatigil ako sa paglalakad. Bumilis ang tahip ng puso ko.
"Wala..." nahihiyang sagot ko. "Ikaw ba?" Nang marealize ko ang sinabi ay marahan akong natawa. "Ang ibig kong sabihin ay may girlfriend ka ba?"
Tumingin lang siya sa kalsada habang nakapamulsa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit para akong sinisikmura sa kaba habang naghihintay sa sagot n'ya kahit alam ko namang wala siyang girlfriend. Kasi kung mayroon, hindi naman niya ako pupuntahan.
"Oo."
I stopped walking abruptly. Para akong binuhusan ng napaka lamig na tubig.
I sucked in air instantly, over and over again, as I forced that thought into my brain.
May girlfriend siya. May girlfriend na siya. May girlfriend na si Zade.
My body went rigid as unhealthy thoughts assaulted my mind. Is she pretty? Rich? Does she take care of him? Does she give him time? Effort? Does she do the things I failed to do before? Does she... does she love him with all her heart?
Zade faced me, his eyes sad, as if he was sorry. But what is there to be sorry for? Inalalayan n'ya ako dahil tila matutumba ako sa sobrang pagkabigla. His touch, although I craved for it for so long, felt cold, foreign.
"Do you love her?" Ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. I know it is going to hurt if he tells me that he does, but what do I expect? Am I expecting him to tell me na may girlfriend siya because of convenience? Am I expecting to hear that he doesn't love her at hanggang ngayon ay ako pa rin ang gusto niya?
"Zade... Do you love her?" ulit kong nanghihina na. He swallowed and I watched as his Adam's apple moved as if the question made him nervous.
But why would it? Why should it?
"Do you love her!" I shrieked, nanginginig na ako. "Zade, please..." My voice was breaking. "Please, tell me. Zade... I need to know kung mahal mo siya."
"I... I--" Bigla siyang tumigil at sinabunutan ang sarili bago naihilamos ang kamay sa mukha. "Shit," he cursed. "Shit."
"Answer me." Umiiyak na ako, sumisinghot, nagmamakaawa para sa sagot na hindi ko rin naman talaga gustong marinig pero kailangan kong malaman.
It was just one word, but it was enough to break me entirely apart.
"Yes."
Lumakas ang iyak ko. I tried to reach for him and smack his chest and in doing so, nabitawan ko ang saklay at nahulog ito. I steadied my footing pero hindi pa rin gano'n kalakas ang binti ko. I almost fell to the ground if it wasn't for him -- if it wasn't for him pulling me by the waist and wrapping his arms around me securely.
I kept crying and pushing him.
"Why? Why are you here? Kung mahal mo siya, bakit ka pa nagpakita ulit? Bakit ka bumalik? Bakit... bakit mo ako niyayang maglakad? Bakit ka nandito sa... sa harap ko?"
"Sam..."
"Bakit? Answer me, damn you!" I screamed.
"I wanted to see you. I wanted to hear your voice and... I wanted to know how your day went. And I know..." His voice was unsteady. "I know I should stay away, because I have a girlfriend and I love her, pero... I have been thinking about you ever since nagkita tayo uli and I hate myself dahil alam kong mali, alam kong hindi dapat..." He sucked in air. "Yet here I am."
Umiiyak pa rin ako nang sampalin ko siya. Iyak lang ako ng iyak pero hindi niya ako pinigilan o inalo pang muli.
"I'm sorry, Sam. I'm making things worse by being with you."
"Then stay away!" I yelled at him. "Stay away from me!"
He took a step back.
I kept telling him that I don't want to see him ever again.
But I don't mean it.
I never will.