Chapter 10 - The Fires of Hell
As the four of them sat in the living room watching television, Gibbs soon realised that Ziva had fallen asleep in his lap. Standing up quietly, he gently lifted her and took her upstairs leaving Tony and Jenny on the sofa.
"So Tony," said Jenny turning to him. "What do you think about everything that's happened? Are you ok with your Dad and me getting together?"
"Are you kidding?" replied Tony widening his eyes in surprise. "I'm the one that kept telling Dad to go for it." He turned away from the TV so that his body was facing Jenny.
"So, is it real? Are you boyfriend and girlfriend now?" he asked.
"Well I guess so to a degree. It's a bit more complicated than that Tony, but let's just say, we are going to try and give it go," answered Jenny trying to be an honest as she could.
"So are you going to have a baby?" asked Tony. "Because I would really like a little brother."
"Ah, not for the moment Tony," answered Jenny laughing. "Let's just get used to it being the four of us for a while hey?"
"Yeah I guess," replied Tony, a definite hint of disappointment in his voice. He fidgeted in his seat for a moment then said tentatively, "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course," replied Jenny. She picked up the remote and pressed the mute button. She could see from the way Tony was squirming in his seat, that this was important.
"What is it?" she asked, facing him and giving him her full attention.
"Well, um, I was wondering... well you see..."Tony began blushing redder and redder the more words he spoke.
"It's OK, honey, just take your time," said Jenny encouragingly.
"Well, you know how the other day you said that Ziva and I were like your children?" he asked.
"Yes, and I meant every word of that," Jenny replied.
"Well, I kind of think of you as...as our Mom, even before today. I've kind of felt that way from the beginning. Like, I know you didn't live here or anything, but you were like our Mom, helping out and doing stuff for us..." he paused as he tried to get the words right in his head.
"And, well....I was going to ask you this anyway, but now that you and Dad are, well...you know, I was wondering if you would mind if I called you Mom sometimes?"
He looked up cautiously, afraid for what he might see. When he saw tears in Jenny's eyes, he immediately thought the worst.
"Oh, that's OK. If you don't want me to, that's fine. I didn't mean to make you sad or anything, I just..." he blurted out.
"Tony, please, you've got it wrong," interrupted Jenny. "These aren't sad tears, these are happy tears. I would be honoured if you called me Mom. You are the most precious boy and having you call me Mom would make me so proud."
She held out her arms and Tony leaned into her, enjoying the comforting hug as she rubbed along his back and kissed his head.
"Tony, I had begun to believe that I may never have children and, as much as that made me sad, I had kind of accepted it," began Jenny, talking over his shoulder as she continued hugging him. "Then you and Ziva came along and, while I never expected to be called mom by either of you, I always hoped that you would both at least think of me as a mom. But to hear you say those words just warms my heart and fills me with so much love."
Gently pulling out of the hug, Jenny sat back so that she could see into Tony's eyes. "Honey, the word Mom is very, very precious and I know that you already had a Mom that you loved very much. Are you sure you want to use the word for me?"
Tony nodded. "I did love my Mom very much. She was always kind and she took me places and she always smelled nice," he began. "You smell nice too, just different," he said clarifying.
Jenny smiled.
"When she died, it was really horrible. I was so scared because I didn't really know my father and Senior could be real mean when he wanted to be. My nanny and the cook were always nice but it wasn't the same. Then, well I'm not sure what happened, but suddenly I was with Dad and he is nothing like Senior. I never knew fathers could be like that, all caring and wanting to keep me safe and stuff. And then there was you. Even though you don't live here like a Mom, well you didn't anyway, not sure what's gonna happen now... but, when you were here you would help me out and talk to me and do stuff with us. That made me feel wanted and I haven't felt that since my first mom was alive."
Tony lowered his head and began picking at his fingernails.
Jenny gently lifted his chin. "Tony, as I said before, I think of you as my son and to have you call me Mom would be the greatest honour. Thank you."
She leaned in and gently kissed him on the forehead.
"Do you think Ziva will call you Mom as well?" asked Tony as he sat back into the sofa.
"That will be up to her Tony," replied Jenny. "Like I said to you, I don't expect either of you to call me Mom. I'm honoured if you do, but it doesn't change the way I love you."
"I hope she does," said Tony. "Then people will think we're a real family."
"Tony, we are a real family," said Jenny firmly. "Names and titles don't determine who is family or not, nor does blood. Family is the way we love each other, care and protect each other. That's what makes us a family. Look at Abby and Tim? Your Dad thinks of them as his kids as much as he does you and Ziva but they don't call him Dad."
Suddenly getting an idea, Jenny said, "Do you know about nouns and verbs Tony?"
"Yeah, nouns are naming words and verbs are doing words," he replied.
"That's right," affirmed Jenny. "Well many people think that 'family' is a noun and, while it can be, I believe the word family is more of a verb. It's a doing word. Family is about actions, not names and titles. We are a family because of the way we love each other. I mean look at us? Not one of us shares a surname, but we are more family than many who do."
"Yeah, you're right," said Tony nodding his head. "Senior and I share a whole name, not just a last name, but he's not really my family. Not like you, Dad and Ziva are."
"I'm glad you get what I mean," said Jenny smiling. "Some people are very lucky in that they are part of a family that does share a last name, but that isn't what defines them as a family."
Tony nodded again.
"I...," he began shyly."I love you Mom," he said and reached over for another hug.
Holding him tightly, Jenny couldn't stop the tears that fell.
"And again," came a loud voice shattering the peace and tranquility of the scene. "I find you in the arms of a woman while I'm off doing my parental duties. And this time, it's my woman!" said Gibbs in mock anger.
"She's mine too," said Tony as he pulled away from Jenny and grinned at his Dad. "I asked Jenny if I could call her Mom and she said yes!"
"That's great Tony," said Gibbs trying to hide his surprise. "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," replied Tony. "I've wanted to ask her for a while but didn't really know how and, well after tonight, I figured it would be a good time. So I guess you're stuck with me now," he said laughing.
"Well it's a good job I've gotten used to ya then," said Gibbs smiling. Then looking at his watch he added, "Time for bed, Buddy. You go up and clean your teeth and I'll be there in a minute to say goodnight."
Tony turned to Jenny. "Goodnight Mom," he said giving her another hug.
"Goodnight Tony," she said returning the hug. "Love you."
"Hey, what are you like at cooking pancakes?" he asked suddenly.
"Not as good as your Dad," she answered, "But I make a mean omelette and my bacon and eggs are to die for."
"Excellent!" said Tony. Then leaning in he whispered, "Because Dad kills the bacon and the eggs are always hard."
"Yeah, I know, I've tried them!" said Jenny smirking.
"Hey," interrupted Gibbs pretending to be offended. "Leave my cooking alone. And you," he said pretending to glare at Tony, "Bed!"
"Aye Aye Captain," said Tony cheekily and, ducking out of Gibbs reach, ran up the stairs.
Watching Tony disappear up the stairs, Gibbs sunk into the sofa next to Jenny and asked, "You OK with that?"
"Yeah," she answered smiling. "I was shocked when he asked but so touched. I never expected either of them to call me Mom but I guess it's something that Tony wants."
"I wonder if Ziva will follow suit?" asked Gibbs.
"Not sure. In her mind she still has a mother," answered Jenny. "It will be up to her. I certainly won't push anything. Just having her on-side is good enough for me."
"Yeah, thought you were having a little heart to heart before," Gibbs said. "So all good then?"
"Yep," answered Jenny. She reached towards him and planted a gentle kiss on his lips. "As I said earlier, couldn't be better."
Leaning into her, Gibbs returned the kiss, running his fingers through her hair and enjoying the sweet taste of her lips on his. Just as they were becoming lost in each other's arms, a voice from upstairs called, "Er, when you're finished Dad, I'm ready to be tucked in?"
Pulling away like guilty teenagers, Gibbs looked up the stairs to see Tony standing on the landing grinning like a Cheshire Cat. "I'm coming," he called up in frustration.
"Really?" answered Jenny grinning. "Doesn't take much these days then?"
Glaring at her, he gave her a hard, fast kiss saying, "Careful Jen, or I'll make you suffer."
Raising her eyebrows suggestively she added, "I'll look forward to it Jethro,"
Shaking his head at her and smirking, he stood up and headed up the stairs. Laughing to himself he thought, she hasn't changed a bit!
Later that evening as they sat together on the sofa, Jenny with her head in Gibbs' lap and Gibbs gently running his fingers through her hair, he said, "So, what now?"
He heard her sigh deeply. "I don't know," she finally said. "I wish we were past all this, back to the comfortableness we used to have."
"Yeah, but we're not Jen," said Gibbs always the practical one. "Things are completely different, circumstances have changed and seven years have passed."
She rolled over onto her back so that her head was now facing up and she was looking directly into his eyes.
"Are things that much different?" she asked honestly. "I mean, we still feel the same way. Why can't we just continue where we left off?"
"Because Jen," he said firmly. "You walked away. You left me with a note for God's sake."
Seeing her look away, he continued, "Look, I'm not being a bastard, I just need to know why? You may not realise it, but my life fell apart that day."
Rolling forward, she pulled her body up and sat facing him. As he looked into her eyes, he could see the glistening wetness forming.
"Jethro," she began. "I don't know what to say other than I was wrong."
Sitting back, she drew her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Resting her chin on her knees she continued, "When I joined NCIS I...I had an agenda I guess. A plan and, well, falling in love wasn't part of that plan. I tried to convince myself that when we made love in Marseille, we were just reacting to the circumstances. That it was a fling, albeit a very nice fling," she added smiling.
He returned the smile but didn't speak.
"Then, we moved on to Paris and slowly the lust turned to love. It was more than just releasing sexual frustration. There was a connection there and I found myself caring for you and imagining a life beyond the mission. I didn't want that Jethro and I tried hard to fight it. Being undercover as lovers certainly didn't help things and one day I realised I was no longer pretending. I had fallen in love."
"But was that so bad?" he asked speaking for the first time.
"For me?" she said, "Yes, it was."
"But why?"
"I.... I can't tell you that, I'm sorry." She looked down and took a deep breath. When she looked up again, there were tears falling gently on her cheeks.
"I never meant to hurt you Jethro. It was never my intention to fall in love and I was so angry at myself. But I was also very selfish. I enjoyed our time together. I enjoyed the fantasy and I figured that while we were hundreds of miles from home I could fool myself. But then suddenly the mission was over and you were asking me to come home with you."
She took his hands and held tightly. "You have no idea how much I wanted to say yes. To set up house with you and live the American dream. But, I couldn't Jethro. I... I just couldn't." She drifted off, her voice fading slightly. "In my own way, I tried to tell you that, but you didn't listen. You weren't willing to hear the words."
"Of course I wasn't Jen. I loved you and I thought you loved me-"
"I did, I do love you Jethro, but love wasn't enough for what I needed to do," she interrupted.
He pulled away, anger beginning to rear again.
"And yet, you still can't tell me what that was," he replied bitterly.
"I'm sorry, I wish I could. One day I will, but not right now. Things have changed recently and I'm still trying to get my head around it all. I will share it with you Jethro, but I can't just yet. I'm sorry," she said almost pleadingly, willing him to understand.
"Secrets Jen, damn secrets," he said with frustration. "We can't base a relationship on secrets. We tried that and it didn't work."
When she looked at him confused he added, "Remember how hurt you were when you found out about Shannon and Kelly?" He saw her lower her head and nod slightly.
"Secrets put wedges between people Jen. It's not healthy and it sure as hell doesn't encourage long-term relationships."
"I know," she whispered. "Please give me time."
Rubbing his hand over his eyes, he decided to throw caution to the wind and confront her with what he had found. "Does this have something to do with La Grenouille?" he asked. He was shocked at how quickly her face paled at his words, but he knew he was on the mark.
"What...what do you know about that?" she stammered.
"I'm sorry Jen, but when I grabbed your books from the bedside table, I saw the article. It fall out and I read it. It didn't make any sense to me, but I figured it must be important for you to carry around a photocopied newspaper clipping."
When she didn't speak, he continued. "I'm right aren't I?" he said. "It does have something to do with him. Who is he?"
"Was he?" she said bitterly. 'He's dead." She almost spat the words.
"I know, I read the article," said Gibbs. "So who was he?"
"An arms dealer," she answered. He was amazed at how quickly the veil of self protection had fallen. Gone was the vulnerable woman from only a few seconds ago, and in her place sat a cold, emotionless stranger.
"Who was he to you Jen?" asked Gibbs again more softly.
His words probed at her conscience, demanding she tell the truth. But she couldn't. Who was La Grenouille to her? He was Satan, the devil, the man who took away everything she held dear. She hated him with every fibre of her being. She had scoured the planet to get revenge, working her way up the ladder until she was, at last, in a position where she could enact her final plan. Only to have that pleasure ripped away from her.
Gibbs could see she wasn't willing to answer.
"Jen, there's something you need to know," he began drawing her attention back to him. "Earlier today, when you were sleeping, I called Fornell to get more information on this La Grenouille. To find out who he was and if there was a connection to NCIS."
"What!" she exclaimed angrily jumping up from the sofa. "What the hell Jethro? You had no right to do that!"
He stood up and tried to grip her shoulders but she pulled roughly away.
"Jen, I'm worried about you," he said with frustration. "You haven't been yourself lately. You're permanently tired, distracted. You're walking around with two constantly black eyes from lack of sleep. This isn't like you."
"It's none of your business!" she snapped.
"Isn't it?" he asked gently. "Then what the hell was this evening about? How can you tell me it's none of my business after what we just told each other?"
He stared at her as the silence enveloped them like a heavy blanket. Neither one spoke. Then suddenly the silence was broken by a gasped sob. Stunned, Gibbs watched as Jenny collapsed to the sofa. Curling herself into the foetal position, she covered her face as wracking sobs erupted from her body.
"Jen," he choked falling next to her on the sofa and wrapping his arms around her. "God Jen, please tell me what's wrong!" he pleaded. Burying his head in her hair, he whispered, "I can't bear to see you like this. I love you, and this is tearing me apart."
He held her tightly, rocking back and forth. No words were spoken. There was nothing that could be said. Until Jenny was ready to speak, all Gibbs could do was hold her and try and offer some semblance of comfort.
They remained like that for nearly fifteen minutes, wrapped in each other's arms until Jenny, exhausted from crying, let out a shuddering breath and said, "I hate him Jethro. I hate him with every ounce of my being."
"What did he do to you Jen?" Gibbs murmured quietly into her hair.
He felt her head shake, "I can't, not now. I... I just can't."
She shifted slightly against him, her body trying to pull away from his embrace. He slackened his hold and she succeeded in sitting back. Brushing her hand over her face and through her hair, she sniffed. Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew a handkerchief and handed it to her.
"Always the gentleman, Jethro," she said with a watery smile taking the handkerchief and blowing her nose. Taking a deep breath, she sniffed loudly and cleared her throat. "I'm sorry," she said smiling at him again. "I don't know what came over me."
"I do," he said quietly. "You're exhausted, run down and only just getting over the stomach 'flu. You need to rest. You have to give your body time to recover from this."
When she didn't respond, he continued. "I'm cancelling the barbecue tomorrow-"
"But-" She looked up, about to start arguing but was cut off immediately.
"No buts, Jen. If you won't look after yourself then I'll do it for you," he said firmly. "You won't tell me what's wrong, you're wound tighter than a spring, and to top it off you're still sick. The barbecue can wait. Your health can't."
He looked directly into her eyes, challenging her to dare to argue. The fact that she looked away first, bowing her head submissively was a good indication that this was taking more of a toll on her than even he realised. Jen rarely backed down from an argument and never this easily.
"Come on," he said gently, patting her knee. "Let's get you to bed."
"Wait," she said, placing her hand over his. "Can you promise me two things first?"
"What's that?" he asked.
"Can you not sleep in Tony's room tonight? I don't mean we need to make love, I just don't want to sleep alone tonight."
He nodded and said, "And the second?"
"Call Fornell and tell him to stop digging?" When he didn't respond, she added, "Please?"
"Why Jen?" he finally said. "What's he going to find?"
"If I promise to tell you the whole story, will you please call him off?" She looked so small. Almost like a child pleading for parental mercy for some misdemeanor.
"When?" he asked simply.
"Soon," she answered.
He shook his head. "Sorry Jen, not good enough," he responded. "This is tearing you apart and I won't watch that happen. You either tell me what's going on or I wait to hear it from Fornell."
As he watched her eyes and saw a flash of anger cross her face, he was flooded with relief. That anger was the first sign of life he had seen in Jenny's eyes for the past hour.
"That's not fair Jethro," she replied angrily.
"No, it's not," he said calmly. "And neither is you keeping this so tightly bottled up that your own health is suffering."
He continued staring, the silence growing between them.
Finally he said, "So?"
"Fine!" she said angrily. "I'll tell you tomorrow. That good enough for you?"
"Yep," he said nodding his head. "I'll ring him first thing in the morning. Now, come on. You need to sleep."
As he took her hand she didn't argue but allowed him to gently pull her up. As they turned towards the stairs, Gibbs said, "You go up. I just need to check everything's locked up and turned off. I'll be there in a minute."
He watched as she grabbed the banister and slowly ascended the stairs. She looked defeated. Like one who had marched into battle expecting to win but suddenly found themselves beaten and with no understanding of how. Shoulders slumped and head bowed, he hardly recognised her. He knew he was forcing her hand, but something had to be done. She couldn't continue this way. She was so filled with hate and anger, it was consuming her every being and Gibbs knew exactly how dangerous that could be. He had been there, twice before. He knew how it could it ravage the soul, suck out its very essence and leave it empty, depleted of life and love. That was the last thing he wanted for Jenny and he would be damned if he was going to stand by and watch her do this to herself. As much as he hated himself for the ultimatum, he hoped that by forcing her to talk this through, it would eventually bring some peace to her troubled mind.
As he entered his bedroom five minutes later, he saw that she was already under the covers. Going into the bathroom, he brushed his teeth and changed into the pyjamas he'd gathered from Tony's room and was soon climbing in next to her. She rolled onto her back and placed her hand on his cheek.
"Thank you," she said quietly. "I don't want to be alone tonight."
"Roll over and I'll rub your back," he said softly.
As she did so, he reached under her t-shirt and began to scratch gently at the bare skin. It didn't take long for her breathing to even out, indicating that she had fallen asleep. Leaning over, he kissed her cheek gently and, wrapping his hand around her middle and resting it on the soft skin of her abdomen, it wasn't long before he too had drifted off.
A sudden twitching pulled Gibbs from the deep recesses of unconsciousness. As his mind slowly sought understanding, he noticed that Jenny was moaning softly, her body tense and her face contorted in a pained expression.
"Jen," he whispered. "Shh, it's only a dream." He rubbed her arm trying to bring her around gently. Not wanting to startle her, he continued to speak softly. "Come on, wake up, it's only a dream."
He knew it wouldn't work, it never did. But the constant rubbing and talking usually brought the dream to an end, forcing her to wake and realise it wasn't real.
He waited for the inevitable. He didn't have to wait long. She suddenly twisted around, flailing her arms and began to call, "No! No! No!"
Although still asleep, she was now crying. Arms held out in front of her as if reaching for someone. But no-one was there. And still the calling continued, "No! No! Daddy!"
Suddenly, she sat bolt upright. Panting furiously, her eyes flew open, "You bastard!" she yelled. Her hands reached out to grab anything that was close. Finding Gibbs, who had sat up next to her, she gripped him around the throat with one hand while the other pummelled his chest.
"Jen!" he called loudly. "Wake up! You're still dreaming."
Gibbs grabbed both her arms and realised, as soon as he did it, it was a mistake. She became like a trapped animal, struggling for her life, screaming to be let go and all the while twisting and writhing out of his grasp. In her desperation, she bit down hard on his arm. He swore but still didn't let go. Worried that she would injure herself, he pulled her in front of him and wrapped her arms tightly around her body, effectively restraining her from neither hurting herself or him. He shook her firmly and said loudly, "Jen, wake up!"
He suddenly felt her body tense and then, amidst a loud gasp that signalled a return to consciousness, she slumped against him, panting and sobbing.
The door flew open and two frightened faces appeared in the entrance.
"It's OK," said Gibbs, seeing Tony and Ziva standing there, wide eyed. "Jenny's just having a really bad dream. She's OK now, she's awake. You can go back to bed."
Seeing both children nod but not move, Gibbs said again, "It's OK. I promise. Jenny's fine. Please go back to bed and I'll come and check on you in a minute. OK?"
This time they nodded and turning quietly, both disappeared back into the hall.
Curled up in a ball in front of him, Gibbs gathered Jenny into his arms and pulled her onto his lap, rocking her gently until the sobs subsided and the pounding of her heart slowed. He knew there was no point in speaking. Words were useless right now. All she needed was someone to hold her and show her that whatever demons plagued her in her sleep were now gone.
"Shhh," he eventually whispered softly into her ear as he finally felt her body begin to relax. "It's OK, you're safe," he murmured.
As was normal in this situation, she said nothing, but eventually shifted her body so that she was once again lying next to him. As he stretched out next to her, Gibbs began running his fingers through her hair. Her silence was almost catatonic, eyes wide open and staring ahead unseeing. After a few minutes, she eventually drew in a deep breath and, closing her eyes, succumbed once again to sleep.
As Gibbs watched her body rise and fall rhythmically, he resolved, as he always did, to find out what horrors befell her during these nightly terrors. Unlike, every other time however, she had taken the dream a step further. Never before had she become violent, reaching out to kill the unseen tormentor as she had tonight. And, after their earlier discussion, Gibbs couldn't help but wonder if somewhere in her mysterious past, there lurked a monster with the name La Grenouille.