Chapter 35
Caleb
Ellis
"Get the fuck out," said Caleb once he had progressed that Jem was sitting in his very dining room. He sounded collected and calm, but there were the muted undertones of fury hinted within his cool exterior. "Get the fuck out now."
"Caleb!" gasped Teresa, who jolted at the vulgar words spewing out of Caleb's mouth. I've never seen Caleb so livid before, angry, clenching his fists, lips white but face beetroot red, inhaling, exhaling, trying not to blow a gasket right there and then. "Please, don't use such-"
"Shut up," he snapped at Teresa- which shocked me to the very core because Caleb had always been the nice guy out of the Unholy Trio, the one whom I could stand out of their little posse, the most logical, the most fair-headed and sensible. "Stop telling me what to do."
Teresa stepped back, hurt, and Jem stood up, "Caleb, hey- dude. Calm down. Look, I just came to talk."
Caleb bit back a brittle laugh, which sounded cold and devoid, detached from emotion. "Fucking sure you are."
Heath frowned at Caleb, taken aback by the abrasive nature of Caleb's stance, expecting to be embraced by one of his best friends upon their arrival. "Dude, what's the problem? We're just here to see you, man."
"Then get out," groveled Caleb apathetically, icily, "I'm not in the mood to see any of you-"
"What's going on here?" A man- about a head taller than all of them- came booming in, intimidating well as he surveyed the room with a pair of wise brown eyes identical to Caleb's. I suddenly noticed startlingly that this was Caleb's father. They shared the same kind of genetics outplay; the same slope for their noses, the thick bushy eyebrows, dark eyes and tanned skin. Even the way how they held themselves were similar: confident at their backs, which were ramrod straight, but kind of sloppy and dead weight at their legs. Caleb's dad had bifocals, though, with them being horn-rimmed and gold-plated, glinting in the sunlight as he slid them off and peered at Jem and Heath, recognizing them. "Jem? Heath?"
"We're here to see Caleb," advocated Jem, smiling widely at Caleb's dad. "We- uh- wanted to drop in and say hi."
"All the way from Philly?"
"It's summer, right?"
"Very well," Caleb's Dad seized view of everybody, scanning them, "Who are the girls?"
"Calista," said my friend from the right, in her usual surly manner.
"Hello!" Astrid beamed, "I'm Astrid."
"I'm Ellis. Ellis Chan." I introduced myself awkwardly, "Pleasure to meet you, sir."
"Ah, call me Bill, kids. " Caleb's dad eyes twinkled and turned to Caleb, "So what's the matter? I heard some swearing and yelling-"
"Just terms of endearments for my friends," Caleb grounded his teeth, glowering at us, mostly at Jem.
Jem held his stare. "Yep," he played along smartly, "Would you mind if I'd like to speak to Caleb in private for a while? Would you mind?"
Caleb sneered, which none of the adults caught- and smiled tightly, tentatively for the show. "Of course not."
Jem and Caleb flitted out of the room accordingly onto the patio where the laundry was hung to dry and a couple of wooden barbeque chairs were stacked. "What the hell's going on between those two?" wondered Heath lowly, "I didn't even know there was beef."
"I'll just follow them," I said in an undertone, "To make sure they don't kill each other."
"Good," said Astrid, nodding, and I folded my napkin onto the table before excusing myself to join their 'talk'.
As Bill and Teresa had their backs turned, I saw Caleb and Jem by the peripheral corners of Teresa's garden. Caleb was smoking, full out- stunning me because I never thought he was the type who smoked. Jem was smoking too, of course, as Caleb kicked a rock, which rolled onwards down the driveway. I hid behind the wall but listened intently- listened so Jem wouldn't fuck this up like he fucked everything else up.
"So what do you want?" Caleb's tone was icy. I could hear him leaned against the wall as he adjusted the cigarette onto his lips, away from the prying eyes of people lecture him how it was bad for his health.
"I want you to come back."
"So what?" snarled Caleb, "You can tease me as a fucking faggot? That's what you want?"
There was agitation in Jem's halt. He was pacing. "Jesus fucking Christ, you idiot. You're my best friend. What do you think is gonna happen to you, you moron?"
"Dylan Green, Jem. Don't you remember ninth grade? Or tenth?"
There was a sharp inhale. "I know, okay? I'm sorry- I'm sorry I made you felt like you have to hide-"
"No, fuck off, it doesn't have anything to do with that. Do you think I came here because of you? Don't flatter yourself." Caleb's fists around the packet of cigarettes were practically white, his knuckles a squeamish yellow color from the corner of my eye.
"Then what the fuck is it?"
"It's- fuck. You know what? Never mind. Just get out of my house and drive everybody back to Philly, for fuck's sake." Caleb was heavy with bitterness- more than I could understand. I knew that Caleb was gay and after that whole infamous Dylan Greene episode, there was a hidden sense of panicked guilt within Caleb for feeling the way he did. He was afraid he would lose his friends if they ever find out he was gay- slowly that fear turned into resentment. But suddenly, it felt more than that. As if there was something I was missing out on.
"No, I'm not going back until you tell me what it is."
"What is it with the obsession of knowing everything, Jem?" Caleb growled. There were pushing involved- like Jem was trying to pat Caleb's shoulder but Caleb shoved him away. "It's none of your goddamn business!"
"Because you're my best friend, Caleb, and I willtbeat the shit out of you if that's what it takes to get it out from you."
There was a solemn silence from Caleb and I could picture the gears of Caleb's mind spinning. "Do you know how hard it is?" Caleb's voice was a broken sound, almost cracking, a whisper.
Then Jem came on, being the insensitive prick he was, and I almost wanted to bash his head in when he said this: "What? Being gay? Caleb, there's nothing-"
"No," Caleb words were strained. "No, not that. Do you know what it's like being- being in love with him?"
"Caleb, it's..."
I could tell that Jem wanted to say it was okay. Caleb's speech was like shards of glass, poking into me, because the pain was so evident, thick and solid, reeking of poison. "I hate Heath Burnwood," Caleb said and since then it all made sense to me now as I stepped back, and in the most cliche way possible, my jaw literally dropped because I was not expecting that. But it all made sense to me now- Caleb was pissed at Jem and Heath, Jem because he was afraid Jem might tell Heath, Heath because Caleb was agonizingly in love with him. Caleb couldn't stand another second because he couldn't stand the pain of being in love with somebody who clearly didn't feel the same way. It was like lemon juice in paper cuts, only worse, because the lemon juice was permanently there to douse upon those wounds so Caleb did what he did: he ran and he hid, like he had emotionally been doing for the past God knows how many years.
As I covered my mouth in total horror, I felt nothing but pity and guilt because I didn't know what he was dealing with- the shame of falling in love with the one person you couldn't, how disgusted he must felt with himself for over the years. I recoiled as Caleb attempted to choke out to Jem, misery washing over his words: "I fucking hate Heath Burnwood. And his stupid goddamn blonde hair, stupid goddamn blue eyes, stupid goddamn motherfucking..."
And he started to sob, breaths broken and ragged, punctuated by indistinguishable words and punches into the brick walls despite the fact that he would probably fracture a bone somewhere along those hits, because he had been hiding it for so long- for so so long, it felt great and terrible to admit it out loud, to admit that Caleb Kaiser was in love with Heath Burnwood but the painful thing was this: Heath Burnwood would never, ever love him back.
Because Heath was straight. And Caleb simply wasn't.
-
"So Caleb is gay?"
"I know right?" I said, conveniently leaving out the 'In Love With Heath' part because it was an invasion of privacy. It was one thing for Caleb to be gay, which was fine and cool, but another for everybody else to know that Caleb harbored a painful God-knows-how-many-years crush on Heath Burnwood. I was pretending I just found out. Astrid was still trying to digest information about the recent part of gossip.
It'd been a week since Pittsburg. Caleb had come back, after a bit of convincing from Jem, and I've seen Caleb with Jem- at Jem's house, saying hi and shit, but never Caleb with Heath and there was this animosity about it. Clearly, Caleb was doing everything he could to avoid being in the same room with that blond devil after his confession. Now every time I spotted Caleb at Jem's house or whatever or hanging out with Jem at Java's, there was this newfound respect for him, for his strength of dealing with feelings of inadequacy about his sexual preference and then dealing with the painful shame and lust for somebody you couldn't have. I felt sorry for him but at the same time, I thought he had major balls.
"But Calista dated him," said Astrid, "How could he be gay?"
"I knew," said Calista softly, "I knew he was gay."
Surprised, our eyes widened at her and my eyebrows shot towards my hairline as she dropped that bomb. "What?" I asked sharply, "What do you mean you knew about it?"
"How do you think we broke up?" Calista was staring at her melting mocha frappuccino nervously, plucking at her Forever 21 black crop top and biting her lips, uncharacteristically anxious. "He told me...he couldn't be with me anymore because he was...y'know."
"So you knew this whole time?" gasped Astrid, "And you didn't tell us?"
"It wasn't my secret to keep," snapped Calista, going back to herself, "It was his. It was unfair for me to tell."
"Calista's right," I nodded, thinking about a secret of my own, "It was Caleb's choice."
-
I sometimes loved Jem's house more than mine.
For one, it was smaller. Mine was too big, echoey and spacey, with maids and abstract art pieces that don't really make any sense nor does it have any relevant point- or maybe it does, but I just can't be bothered to figure it out, decode the metaphysical meanings behind them. Jem's house was homier, even though Jem didn't call it home because it always reeked of burned cookies- his father's failed attempts at cooking. Mine was constantly scented with the clinical smell of jasmine or rose wafting through the fresh airs of the hallways- it was pretty, but it didn't feel...natural.
It was the last week of school and I wanted to tuck in some time together with Jem before the upheaval of the monstrosity that was my senior year swarmed my life before everything became a blur of test papers, college applications and heavy decisions about my future. It was odd, I could feel myself changing so much. Just at the beginning of the year, all I ever wanted was to get out of high school and grow up. Now I was clinging onto the flimsy strands of time as hard as I could.
So as I rounded up at the doorsteps, almost on the verge of knocking the door, it flew open and the knob almost caught me in the ribs if I haven't jerked out of the way in time.
"Oh my God, Ellis!" It was Caleb exiting out of the front threshold, swinging the door wide. "Sorry, didn't see you there!"
I smiled and stepped back, "It's fine," I said pleasantly. "How are you?"
"Uh, good. I guess."
"Where's Jem?" I quickly changed the subject to avoid the awkwardness. It was so easy to talk to Caleb before the whole gay fiasco, maybe because I couldn't get used to the fact that he was hiding so much, or carrying so much burden on his shoulders. But now, it was just pregnant with perpetually long pauses and heavy tension.
"He's in the house, by the living room," he said, returning the same awkward smile. "Thanks, by the way."
My eyebrows joined together. "What do you mean?"
"Y'know, for, uh, not telling Heath."
My heart tangled itself with my intestines. I had to force myself to act calm even though I could hear my pulse pounding in my throat for fear of losing Caleb as a friend. "Oh, uh- look," I amended hastily, "I didn't mean to eavesdrop-"
He waved it away like he was slapping away my flimsy attempt to justify listening into his private conversations. "It's fine," he continued, ignoring me, "I'm just glad you helped."
"Helped what?"
"With Jem," he answered, prompting a genuine chuckle as it broke that awkward mold between us through the mutual friendship we had with Jem- mutual friendship, according to Caleb's awareness, at least. "You're great with him."
"Uh, thanks," I remarked, scratching my head, folding my arms as I hugged the movie to my chest.
"He's a keeper," winked Caleb teasingly, moving towards the end of Jem's worn veranda and I almost didn't get what he meant by that until the realization hit me full in the face five seconds later, which earned a delayed reaction from me.
"Um-" I felt dumb, red and stupid as I stuttered, my composure was falling to pieces- "Uh, look, Jem-"
Caleb laughed, shaking his head. "You don't have to hide it."
I knew it would be foolish to ravel the web of lies even further so I just sighed and eyed him, hating how he was so hard to deceive. I had to remind myself that Caleb was a smart person, after all, he won the best debater last year so that had to count for something. Caleb was hard to bullshit because he was the king of spinning bullshit. "How did you know?"
Caleb's smile now reached his eyes. Caleb looked like one of those run-of-the-mill geek boys, somebody girls always saw as their friends not boyfriends but once given the shed light, he could be very good looking. He's a quiet boy, with quiet features, but once you got to know him more, I noticed, the more attractive he looked. Because I started to see Caleb's mind in his features, I saw his wit in the curve of his nose, the happiness in his cheeks where the dimples were carved into his cheeks whenever he laughed, that spark of mischief in his eyes that flared up at a smark joke he made.
Caleb regarded me with a last, fleeting nonchalance look of gratefulness before he started towards the driveway. "You could tell by his eyes. And you got him deep, Ellis."
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so, this chapter was hard to write but i like how Caleb's confession was written. reminds me of Nico when he told Jason he's in love with Percy. Or was. Hhehe. :) Vote, comment and share! :) and try to check out some of my other works, operation: ground zero. dedicated to eadaion.