{'Cause in the end, all you really have is memories'}
I woke up from a dream. A dream about a witch stealing my angel away with her flying broom. I was chasing them but they disappeared in the sky when I fell in the pits of hell with all my dolls and the people I cheated with. It was a nightmare and once I jerked up, I was convinced that I was going to hell. And it wasn't even funny at all, knowing hell is a place that an angel would always hate.
I couldn't sleep last night as Khloe's declaration kept striking every limb of my brain. How could I compete with that? Was she just making fun of me or she was telling the truth? Was it even possible to fall in love in a week? Maybe I should've Google about it.
Heading downstairs, Enrique addressed me with a smile as he guided me to my breakfast. The food was tasty but it was nothing compared to Quinn's pancake.
Ah... Thinking about her became a habit. Before, most of the time, I was only thinking about myself. How beautiful I am. Or how sexy my body is. Spa. Pedicure. Dress. Shoes. Bags. Hair. Makeup and all girly stuff including cheerleading and party.
But now, all I was thinking about is Quinn. Quinn. Quinn. Quinn! It wasn't healthy anymore but it made me happy every day.
Parking my 2012 Porsche Cayman in my school parking lot (next to my Volkswagen car), my phone blared inside my Chanel bag. I smiled as I took it out hastily, seeing my Dad was calling.
"Hello, Dad!" I greeted happily.
He laughed. "Good morning, Risabear! How's my daughter doing? Anything you want to report to me about school-related things?"
I rolled my eyes while I stepped out and locked my car, resting my back against it. "Honestly, I'm still awesome," I said before hearing him chuckling. "And about your school? It's still standing in front of me. With great classes. Cool teachers. Stereotypes nonsense like you said and of course... without your daughter here, it will be terrible. So you and Mom better get me a sister or else, your school is going to be sucked forever without a little Arisa Gail Valentine on it."
He laughed again and even if I couldn't see him, I knew that he was blushing from my statement. "So how about the task I assigned to you before I left?"
I grinned, knowing what he was talking about. "I'm still on it." I paused, realizing that it wasn't the right words to say. "I mean Quinn is doing great. We're doing great. We're getting close like 'close-close'. The students like her so much, including the teachers. As you said she is a special kind of girl. Everybody is cool with her. Well, except for some girl who slapped her yesterday."
"What?! And who's this girl you're talking about?"
"Ella, the one who ruined half of my sophomore year," I informed, gritting my teeth as I remembered how the bitch hurt my angel.
I heard my Dad sigh. "Risa, give me a favor."
"I'm all ears, Dad," I said, frowning at his serious tone.
"I don't know the reason why Ella did that to her but don't let someone hurt Quinn like that. She's a fragile girl and I want you to take care of her, do you understand?"
I nodded confused because my Dad wasn't like this. He treated every student equally but why Quinn was so special for him. Maybe because she's the daughter of his best friend. "Of course, Dad. You don't need to ask and by the way, I didn't get to meet her parents. So are you best friends with her Dad or her Mom?"
His response was silent and after a moment, he spoke sadly, "You don't remember? She didn't tell you about what happened to her parents?"
"About what?" I asked as I stood straight.
"Risabear, remember when you rode the airplane for the first time?"
I twitched my eyes in puzzlement. "Yes, I was nine and I was so scared about it but eventually it became fun."
"Yeah. And what's the reason why we had to take an airplane?"
I took a moment trying to remember the reason but nothing seemed to click in my head. "I don't remember, Dad."
He sighed. "Risa, we attended a funeral. Her parents died in a car accident on her tenth birthday."
"What?" I asked, shocked. "Why Quinn didn't tell me about this?"
"I don't know. Maybe she will tell you sooner or later but don't get mad at her, okay? And maybe you will remember if you check the photo album in the study room at our house. You were always dragging her all around when we used to visit her every month after her parents died. But it stopped when her Grandmother sent her for treatment because of her PTSD."
"Dad, I can't belie—" I spoke but I was cut off by the bell.
"You have to go. Don't forget what you have to do. Love you," he said and then he hung up.
I stared at the phone with my mouth slightly ajar. I just couldn't believe that I'd known Quinn since I was nine and yet I didn't remember any of it. And why didn't she tell that her parents were no longer with her? Was she living alone in that old house? No, maybe someone adopted her because Dad wouldn't allow her to transfer to our school without any consent of her guardian. But who was this guardian? It seemed this person was rarely at home because when I was at her house, I didn't even see any living soul.
I made it to my first class, glad that our teacher was also late even though my mind was now in a distant space, far away from my own. Rushing to my seat, Quinn greeted me with her smile which was added with a pair of dimples in her cheeks. I stared at her, trying to recall what she looked like when we were a child but there was nothing. I should perhaps find this album that my Dad was talking about once I get home.
As I gave her a smile in return, our teacher arrived and started his lesson yet my mind was still lost to my Quinn. It was always about her and I wondered why I just couldn't stop myself from thinking about her.
Morning classes were all fuzzy as hundreds of questions kept on playing in my head. My unclear memories were added to my thoughts about Khloe's confession and my insecurity. On how she would react once I tell her that I was lying to her since the beginning.
Why didn't she tell me about her parents? Does she remember that we were a childhood friend? If she does, then why was she keeping it away from me? Does she love Khloe in return? If she does, was she aware of that? Aware that Khloe loves her? Was she dating both of us at the same time? Why did I forget about her?
With all these questions, there was only one answer I could come up with: she doesn't trust me. However, I was thinking that this was the right time to tell her about the truth regarding my dolls. Knowing that I didn't have her trust, it was much better for me to tell her the truth before I earn all of her trust completely. And I was willing to do everything to make her see that I was someone that she could be trusted. To the point that she would tell me everything without faltering.
It was Tuesday. It means I was going to have lunch with Quinn in my room. I hurriedly skipped to my Dad's office, seeing her waiting for me. She was sitting in the perforated chair beside the door, looking down at her feet as she swung it in cadence. I could say that she was worried about something as her chocolate surrounded by green sea eyes was in an empty space.
Throwing my worries for the meantime, I approached her and asked, "Missing me?"
She looked up at me and smiled. "No, I'm missing lunch. What took you so long?"
"Thinking of you took me so long," I said truthfully and grabbed her hand to lead her inside my room.
She collapsed on the couch while I headed to my mini-fridge and opened it. Dad demanded Enrique to load it with food for both of us whenever he has time to go to school so it was almost full.
"Pizza?" I asked, glancing at my angel while she was scanning some stack of envelopes in her hands. She nodded so I took a box of pizza and two bottles of ice tea before I stuck the pizza inside the microwave.
Putting our drinks aside, I sat beside her and hugged her around her waist while I rested my chin over her shoulder. "What is that?" I asked, pointing at the envelopes she was holding.
"Love letters."
I laughed. Of course, Khloe wasn't my only competition.
"Let me see," I said so she handed it out to me.
While we were eating, I read all the letters like it was a threat but I found it was all lame while they confessed their feelings to my Quinn like she was an easy girl. There was someone who even wrote that he was struck with her beauty the first time he laid his eyes on her and declared that he already loves her. Saying he would catch a grenade for her, throw his hand on the blade for her, jump on the train for her, and would take a bullet through his dumb brain for her. It was so clichéd.
I was laughing the whole time while Quinn commented that I was such a dull person. She even planned to reply to every letter so my laugh grew louder.
My Quinn was so nice but the letter contained sweet words yet it filled with emptiness. I didn't even know who was behind the names in each letter so I knew that they were kind of people who were under our social ladder. They had so much confidence in confessing such daring words but they didn't even dare to tell their feelings to my Quinn in person. Of course, they must be intimidated by me because I was with her all the time while the trouble Khloe was with her during lunchtime.
The witch's name made me grimace like it was a lethal toxic in my brain. But after reading all the literal confession for my angel, I considered her declaration like every word in each of the letters. It was all empty assertions. She didn't have enough proof that she loved her strongly so I was convinced that what she said last night was nothing but a meaningless statement.
"What are you thinking?"
Quinn's question took me out of my reverie as she stroked her fingers against my cheek. I gulped, taking in all of her beauty. How could this beautiful girl experience something so tragic? Did someone punish her from coming down from heaven? Or someone wanted to torment her for receiving such a godly beauty?
Her brows crumpled in worries. "Seriously, you've been in another world since this morning."
I laughed weakly and then held her hand. "Quinn... I just want you to know that you can tell me everything."
She smiled and nodded. "Cool."
I raised my brow, wondering that expression wasn't suitable for her sweet personality. Lifting her hand to my lips, I kissed it softly and looked into her eyes. "I am serious, Quinn. You can tell me everything."
She avoided my stare, looking down like my gaze was something she couldn't bear to maintain. "Where is this coming from?"
"Who's taking care of you?" I asked, averting the question about her parents by asking obliquely. I knew if I asked about her parents, it would hurt her certainly. But at the same time, I knew it was ineffectual.
"I'm sorry," she said apologetically and I was glad she was now sincerely staring at me. "I didn't want to keep it from you but I just don't want you to treat me differently. Like I'm some poor child who always needs attention."
I sighed, bringing my hand to her chin and cupped it gently. "Quinn, I won't treat you differently. And you don't need that kind of attention because, since the beginning, you already took everything from me."
She giggled softly. "That's cheesy."
I chuckled and then looked at her seriously. "So you're under the house of whom?"
"I'm now living with my Aunt," she answered honestly.
"And how is she?"
"She's lovely," she said with her adorable smile so that convinced me enough that her guardian was someone that could take care of her. If not, I was going to nag my Dad to adopt her, and maybe we could share a room. Okay, that was a wicked idea but a great one. Now, I was eager to meet her Aunt and earn her trust so that Quinn could have a night over with me with no worries. But before I achieve all of my plans for her, I needed to tell her the truth. This time, she didn't lie about her parents so that was a good one, right? She maybe had a little trust in me, right?
I cleared my throat, gripping her hand slightly, fearing that she would run away from me once I told her about the truth. "Q-Quinn," I stuttered, grimacing how I almost failed to let out her one-syllable name.
"Yes?" I heard her say.
I swallowed the invisible lump in my throat as my heart constantly beating abnormally. "T-The truth is I lied to you about the rumors."
"What do you mean?" she asked, her expression was indecipherable.
"Well, t-the rumors are true. What you heard about me is all true. That I cheated with my dolls every year. That I'm a bitch playing with their feelings like it was nothing. I'm sorry, Quinn. Will you forgive me?" I muttered in one swift as I gazed at her pleading as well as surprised how I admitted to myself that I'm a bitch.
She only gave me silence and I wanted her to get mad or hollered at me or reasoned out to me but all she was giving me was a deadly silence.
Finally, after what seemed like a century, she let out a deep breath and it gave me a nervous feeling through my skin. "So is it also true that you have a pom-pom head?"
I gaped at her stupidly, surprised at her unexpected question. Was she serious? "Y-Yes... No! I mean NO!" I answered foolishly, totally caught off guard.
She nodded and then her brows joined together in puzzlement. "Why did you lie to me? And why are saying this to me now?"
I bit my lips as I listened to the question I was expecting and I decided that it was now the time to tell her about my feelings. "Because Quinn, I really, really like you and you don't deserve to be one of my dolls because you're different. You're special and I want you to know that I will never cheat on you. So will you go steady with me?" I asked, not knowing if it was the right word for it.
Feeling her tense, I held her hands firmly. She was staring at me like I was a crazy person as her eyes widen in surprise at my declaration. That wasn't bad, right? Go steady? Really, Arisa? It's lamer than those love letters and Khloe's 'I love her' moment. What's gotten in your pom-pom head?
She forcibly took away her hand from mine, standing up quickly, and started to walk to the door in a rapid manner. Seeing her retreating from me was piercing my heart.
When she grabbed the door handle, she abruptly halted, giving me a side glance. "I-I think I forgot my cake in the library," she said, and then she walked out as I heard the door shut closed.
I was perplexed. I wanted to laugh about her adorable excuse but knew that such cake reason from her implied that she was refusing me to that extent.
I looked down at my hand and the feeling of her touch was already fading away. However, I didn't regret saying the truth because it was the right thing to do. This was really an interesting school year, indeed. And clearly, from now on, I was going to make it more remarkable. And I was also going to make sure that Quinn was going to be my inspiration.
........
The class ended and I was now riding home with my girls to plan the party on Friday. Of course, Quinn avoided me the whole afternoon while Khloe was pissing me off through the fourth period. She was sitting beside my angel while I was behind them and seeing her staring at Quinn all through the class made me want to tear her face apart. Knowing she would anger me, she would glance at me with her bewitched smirk and at the end of the class, she even gave me a little note about a few facts about Quinn.
As the note said, Quinn's favorite is black while her favorite band is Nirvana. Her favorite view is a cliff while her favorite expression is 'Get the shit out of here!'. She loves Kitkat and her most favorite pet in the world is a squirrel.
Of course, I didn't believe it. I was not stupid to believe some random facts from that bimbo. It was all made up to piss me off. My sweet Quinn loved black? Her favorite band is Nirvana? And what's up with the cliff being her favorite view. That was really absurd. Was she really crazy, telling me that Quinn's favorite pet is a squirrel? Get the shit out of here? No, my sweet Quinn would not say that. That was impossible.
After we planned the party and my girls headed home, I headed straight to the study room as I ordered Enrique once I got home to collect all our photo albums when I was around nine years old and put them over the desk.
Once I seated, I stared down at the two albums in front of me and I was so nervous to open them. Really, Arisa? It's just a picture so you don't have anything to worry about. I sighed and began to scan the first black album that was decorated with silver floral lining.
It took me a moment to finish it, grinning at the child version of myself and I could say that I've grown beautiful with each day. However, I didn't see any picture of Quinn and I was surely going to recognize her even if she was a child. All I had to do is to search for a blonde pretty girl smiling with a pair of dimples on her cheek.
As I closed shut the first album, I reached for the second, putting it upward in front of me and a single picture dropped from it. I frowned as I took it weirdly like it was something important; a sole photo that didn't belong among all the pictures that were stuck inside.
And I was right. It was a picture of a six-person including me. Four adults and three children. I recognized my Mom and Dad and some guy I didn't know about while beside him was Aunt Claire.
Aunt Claire? I thought and my gaze fell on the three children in the front. I was grinning happily with my white girly dress on. I had a red crocheted hat with a big sunflower stuck on the side of it over my raven hair. On the other side, a chubby girl was smiling at the adorable girl between us. She was wearing a cute little jumper while she was tugging it like a princess. With Aunt Claire in this picture, I recognized her face. It was Khloe Summers, her daughter. I knew that my Dad was friends with Aunt Claire but I didn't anticipate that I knew Khloe since I was nine.
My eyes stared at the girl in the middle. She was really pretty with her braided blonde hair while she was wearing a fluffy silver dress. Her dimples weren't present as her pallid lips were in the form of a straight line. Her skin was like snow and she looked like a cherub without her wings. I winced as I caught her hazel green eyes. It was all empty. All cold and vacant. Like she wasn't aware that she was standing between us. Like she was not existing at that very place and at that time. I was holding her hand but I noticed that she wasn't gripping mine back. And her expression reminded me of someone. The young Quinn reminded me of her.
And instantly, memories of those times starting to drift inside my brain. And now I knew the reason why I forgot about all those memories before I met her.
There were three certainties: first, Khloe now had proof that she truly loved Quinn because obviously, they've known each other for a very long time. Second: I found out that my memories were replaced because of my first love. That's why I was so fond of her the first time we've met. Because she reminded me of Quinn so much.
And lastly, I never anticipated that before my first love, there was a special person in my heart.
Before Stella Ross, there was Quinn Blackburn. Before my first love, there was my childhood sweetheart.
........