The Winter Festival never fails to warm my heart. Even in the year that Father died, the Outlanders would give me sympathy or make me dance until I can't feel my legs, and for a moment then, the grief was gone and there was only the snow and the black vast sky.
The festival on the year before is once a warming memory to me. Ethan showed me the dancing colors of the sky. It was so beautiful, my heart still jumps at the memory. He gave me a locket too, something I can keep. The purple rose.
But this year, no one comes to say their sympathy or dance with me. No foods, no drinks, no dancing for this dark night. Swords are being sharpened and armors are being worn. The war cries seem to be bellowed every five seconds.
But it's good, it cuts my thoughts of the Winter Festivals before this treacherous year-- it distracts me. I'm in a sea of people just at the edge of the forest, bringing a whetstone to my spear over and over again, thinking how many of my friends around me would die.
The trees are high and looming over us with thick white snow and icicles on their skeletal branches. More snow is coming down and I puff into my head, relaxing a little at the short comfort of heat. The Outlanders don't seem to mind. They are too busy besting at their swords, the weapon that could mean life or death to them.
I know they are scared, deep down. But the prize of freedom conquers all their fears. And the thoughts of Father conquer mine. Maybe this war can be my redemption to him. Every word I didn't say and all the things I did that scarred his heart-- maybe he will forgive me if I fight too. Maybe. He is always kind.
I can hear children crying and mothers trying to console them. And at the corner of my eyes, I can see Nala hugging the baker for maybe the last time. Her tiny body is shaking and her parent's face is hard from not trying to cry.
Both of them are going. If they both die, Nala will be an orphan-- who will take care of her? Perhaps she will take my spear from my corpse and she will be a hunter that wants to kill all the Valarians in her heart. Just like me.
She doesn't deserve this, she is just a little girl with a big mouth and voice brighter than her red hair. And now that voice is crying for her father and mother.
There's a tense in the air. The calm before the storm. The goodbyes to their family and lovers. My heart clenches. I haven't said anything to Mother or Laila. This might be the last time. Even though they didn't tell me, I know both of them are not going to battle.
Gavin said that we will win. We have too.
I look up to the sky to meet with the blank black curtain. They are no stars tonight, only the full moon, and somewhere on the mountains maybe we can see the Northen Lights again.
But now it's black and so dark that for once, the night makes me feel suffocated. As if the sky is a curtain that's closing in every single moment I'm not looking.
Once, I heard they say that when war ever comes, the stars will be red. The stars will shine as bright as blood and the moon will not show. But they are no stars, and the moon is our guiding light to Valaria. That saying is wrong.
But Naerys' sayings are right. I am Winter Born. I did bring war and I will bring death. But not to the Outlanders. To the Valarians. They will taste what we have endured and they will suffer.
War will bring peace, I think of Gavin's words. And death will bring life.
Life. Children that will not know what it feels like to be hungry or cold. Children that are hoping to this cruel world.
Blood courses through me, my body becoming stronger and my desire to live harder. I may die, I realize. Despite everything, fear still stabs my heart. And they are things I haven't say to the ones that I love.
I slowly stand up, spear in my hand, my legs whining with cracks. I turn my head around, searching for her and I force my stiff legs to work.
My eyes search and my legs move through the crowd, careful not to stumble anyone that is with their family. I'm searching for my own.
Between the people, I finally see her. Silver hair like mine, streaked with white. Mother. For a moment, I can almost feel her soft hands in my hair and caress on my cheeks.
She is piling bandages and brews that might help the wounded and helping the brave women that volunteered to be healers for this war.
Mother doesn't know I'm watching her, observing her ways. Her face is hard but her spine is straight-- confident for the first time since Father died. I furrow my eyebrows as my heart beat goes faster and I push through to make my way to Mother.
The other women see me first, and they scurry away, understanding that this is my moment to talk with Mother. Her back is facing me, her white hair tied into a braid and cascading down her waist. I try to hide my shock. She's getting older. And I didn't even notice before.
"Mother," I croak out. "I want to talk."
She whips back quickly, her eyes wide at the sight of her daughter. I can see wrinkles at the corner of her eyes. Would Father have them too? "Cathellyn, yes. What is it?" Her voice is soft.
Why now? Why does she have to be soft now? Why can't she be vile and quiet as always? She should be at home and looking out of the window, still mourning about Father.
"Are-- Are you going too?" I hate that my voice is trembling. She has done nothing for me, I should hate her.
Mother bites her pale lips, looks to the snow on the ground. "I didn't plan to tell you or your sister. Seems like you are clever enough to figure that out."
Blood pounds into my ear. "Why?" I ask. "Why the hell do you want to go?
She almost flinches at my harsh words. But she's more than deserve it. Yet my heart coils.
"Who knows, Cathellyn? Maybe me being there can save a few lives. You always hated when I stay in the house," Mother brings her sight to my face but not to my eyes. Never to my eyes.
Anger riles up in me, but tears are forming and I hate it. "You can't go," I say. "I do not allow it."
She lets out a small, defeated laugh. "I'm your mother." At that word, my heart twists itself. "You don't command me."
"Yes, I do! I'm the one that fed you and Laila!" My anger rises as memory comes. Me crying in the forest after Father died, me almost dying after being bitten by a wolf, me starving because Laila wanted more food. All because she cannot handle her grief. "What have you done? You done nothing. You cut me off, sit around in the house grieving even after four years."
Her eyes widen in hurt. "You don't know how much your father mean to me, Cathellyn," Now her voice is shaking, at the edge of tears. "I can't live without him."
"How can I? I was only twelve. Twelve!"
"You were strong. You were always so strong," Mother closes her eyes briefly, and the tears fall down her cheek. Something strikes in me. "But I was not. I was weak. I am weak. That is why I do not want to burden you anymore, Cathellyn."
"Is that supposed to calm my heart? I gave you food, I kept you alive, I hunted for you," I'm breathing heavily. "And now just like this, you're going to die." I thought it will be free me from my thoughts when I let out what I kept to her. But it does not.
"I may die," her voice only above a whisper. She looks so fragile, yet determined. Mother has become the person before Father's death again. Our last moments bring out the truth of ourselves. "But know this Cathellyn, you and your sister and father is still the world to me, and always will be."
She reaches a hand to brush the fallen snow in my hair and I almost take comfort in the warmth of her fingers as I flinch slightly. It's been so long since I felt it. "You don't know how much I love you and Laila."
It's too much, she is too much. She took four years to say that to me. Four long painful years. "If you really do, you won't go."
She smiles, her eyes rimmed with red. "I have to."
You don't, I want so desperately to say, but it doesn't come out, just like most words I want to say to her. I love her, deep in my heart, just as I loved Father. But I am so angry and hurt now that even the falling snow can't calm the fire in me. Sadness and anger is never a good combination.
I turn around before she can see the tears fall down silently. I can hear her sobbing heavily. I close my eyes, more hot tears rolling down. Why am I losing everybody? Father, Ethan and now her. I don't want to lose my mother. I don't want to lose anyone anymore. Why is she doing this to me?
My shaking legs start to move away from her, but before I can go to far, her warm hand-- so different from the snow, catches mine. She pulls me back towards her and I am forced to meet her eyes. It's brimmed with red and it thousands of painful memories are kept, begging to be vanished and for a moment I understand why she needs to go.
Mother is selfish, like me. She can't handle her pain anymore. The four years have done nothing but terror to her. She wants her pain gone. But my own pain is blocked by her. If she is gone there is nothing to go back to the Outlands for. There will be nothing if she dies.
The wind before the storm rustles her wild silver hair and her cheeks are tear-stained, but she manages to smile-- for me. Her voice is coarse but soft. "If I die, know that I am happy because I will be with your father."
I shake my head and I let out a sob. I pull my hand away from her, and she gives me a look that says she understands. We look at each other for a long moment. And for a second, she looks as young as me, just a woman going to war to meet her husband after death.
I turn from her and start to walk away. She can't live without Father. I try to be selfless, saying to myself that this will bring her peace just as the war will eventually bring the Outlands the same thing. But I cannot vanish the ripping feeling in my heart that Mother is already dead.
Because I did not console her in the last four years, because I know she is weak but I didn't stay strong enough for the both of us. Maybe if I did she will have enough strength to keep on fighting.
But I didn't. And this is the price I must pay.
I walk away, not caring if the tears are seen by everyone. The people don't seem to care, they have their own families and problems. I don't have the former anymore.
I grip my spear, slightly surprised that it managed to stay in my hand after all this time. I feel numb and hurt and so exhausted. I want to think of what I will say if I meet Naerys. She helped me so much and guided me through the time when I am lost. I want to thank her.
But the numbness retracts my mind from working and I find myself walking away from the people until I meet the blond-haired Gavin fixing his iron armor in the crowd. He looks gallant but also ruthless, a leader suit for the Outlands.
His blue eyes catch mine and I unconsciously walk towards him.
"Are you going?" He asks as soon as I near him.
I give him a timid nod. I know my eyes and cheeks are red but he understands me and doesn't ask any questions about it. I don't want to answer any either.
He gives me a sympathetic look. I hate it. I know he means well, but I cannot help myself. It gives me hope that someone cares of me, and right now, I don't need it. If I am dying, let me go with no one to miss me. I don't want to disappoint anyone anymore.
Gavin continued fiddling his armor. "We will go in an hour," he says without looking at me.
An hour. Such a short time. "Aye."
He doesn't say anything for a while and I just stand there watching as the small bits of snow melts on his golden hair. I look towards his face to find it stern and hard. His heart is probably thumping for the coming war.
"Have you seen Laila?" Gavin asks.
It is like a punch to the face. I didn't even remember about my own sister. She's not going, I'm sure but then again, that's what I thought of Mother. I barely met Laila after that day she told everyone about the tunnel. She could be anywhere
"No, I haven't. She- she won't go," I say.
"She doesn't look the type that would fight," he lifts his sword, looking upwards at the shine of the blade. He looks at it as if it's a child.
My heart thumps. If only he knows.
I don't know what to say after that. I avert my eyes to the ground, searching in my head for things to say but could not find any. The only thing there is the faces of my family.
"This is it," he says suddenly. "We will go to war."
I huff an uneasy breath. We are going to war. We are going to war. The words keep on repeating. I am going to war.
"We should take the whole city in a short time. It won't be too long for you to come back here," he tries to reassure me.
I nod. "Thank you, for everything. You're from another land yet you are still willing to fight for us." He'll be a lord or even a king after all of this is over.
Gavin gives me a smile, a genuine one. It is probably the kindest one that I can get from him. "Your people were suffering. And they asked for my help. I cannot resist the opportunity. Though.." he sheaths his sword. "I also need a fresh battle."
I tug my lips upwards for him. "Fight well Lord Gavin."
He looks to me and nods. Gavin knows that is more than a simple joke. "Fight strong."
We exchange one last look. His blue eyes are clear, like the waters. He has a family he needs to come back to. He has something to fight for, a purpose. I don't.
But if me fighting to the death can help him meet his wife again, alive-- then that is enough to burn the fire inside me.
Winter has come, now the war is here.
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The forest is all I remember it, cold and dark and calming. The trees are high above us and the ground is again covered with snow. I came here almost every day since I learned to hunt, alone. But now almost a thousand people are with me, moving towards Valaria.
The number is almost overwhelming, but they are quiet and the only sound is the beat of boots on the snow. It discomforts me a little. This used to be my private place, a place that I can be alone to think and hunt, now they are all seeing it.
It's almost another night in the forest, with me wearing my usual robe and spear in hand. I don't want to wear any armor, it slows my attacks. Though there are daggers lining my waist. I won't go down without a fight.
In just a few more minutes, we will go through the cave and into Valaria. Then all hell will break loose.
As I walk along the trail that is so familiar to me, I can almost the places that I and the raven-haired boy used to sit and laugh and joke around or argue. It's a sweet memory but a bitter reminder for what is coming. I hope he can run as fast as he did here.
I don't what him to die. But if he comes, I may have to fight him. And I may kill him. The boy that made me smile so much. Maybe I can see the Northen Lights one last time.
The lake jolts into my mind suddenly and I know it's not too far away. It's shielded by trees so no one can see it. It must've frozen by now. A memory of Ethan helping me from drowning there last year clenches my heart.
I brush my fingers along my thigh to feel the locket that he gave. I need to throw it away, forget him. Drown it in the lake. It will take just a second.
Quietly, I slither away from the moving sea of people. With my hood up, no one questions me.
There is no trail to the lake but I know it by heart. I know what trees and bushes I need to pass to get there and in no time the sight of the lake comes to my eyes.
I look behind me to confirm that no one is following me before facing the lake. It is frozen. Ice is there instead of clear water. It's almost calming here to see what is so familiar to me, to see what I know.
But I need to be fast, I cannot stay here for long. The crowd is already far ahead. I chug my boot into the edge of the lake, feeling the biting cold water seep in. The ice breaks and it reveals the water underneath.
It swirls, almost calling me to throw the locket away. With trembling hands, I fish out the locket, the present that Ethan gave me from my pocket.
I hold in my palm, looking at it for the last time. It is still beautiful even after a year. The purple gem that shapes he rose is still shining and the white vines behind it never bends. I kneel as if I'm praying to the gods.
I feel sorrow creeping in. This is a gift from him. A boy I used to love. The boy I still love. The boy with the kind heart and sweet words that love books than he does people. The one that kissed me countless times, the one that promised me countless promises.
The one that lied and tried to take me away from my home. I shake my head. I cannot think of him now. He is the enemy. An enemy that will die.
I tilt my shaking hands, letting the locket fall through the air and into the water with a quiet splash. I can see it for a brief moment, but it slithers downs slowly through the water. It's gone now.
"Cathellyn," a familiar voice calls me.
My heart stops and my eyes widen in shock. No, it can't be.
I turn around quickly and the figure stands just behind me. The moon shines across his face and I stifle a gasp, my mouth drops. There's a lump in my throat. How can he be here? He should not be here. This is wrong.
Looming over me is Ethan, his face hard and stern. His emerald eyes shine even in the darkness. He looks almost like his father beneath the moonlight.
In his hand is a longsword that gleams with the light, and in his emerald eyes is the need to kill me.
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Sorry for the cliffhanger, but this is the part I've been planning for a long time. So, DEAL WITH IT.
No, just kidding but if you want to know what will happen, read the next chapter.
BYE BYE.