Chapter 21: Numb
~Jacob~
“Jacob, come and get breakfast.”
I groaned in response to Belinda’s voice.
“Jacob? Don’t make me come in there.”
I pulled my blanket over my head and furrowed deeper under it. I wanted some time alone so I could try to sort and figure out this feeling I had, because it was strong and I didn’t think it was going away any time soon.
“Alright, you’ve left me no choice. I’m walking inside.”
True to her word my door opened and I saw her come in through the tiny peep-hole in my blanket. She bent over a little and squinted, and smiled when she spotted me. “Is that you beneath that cave, Jacob?”
“What do you want?” I moaned.
“You lied in bed all day yesterday and I have a feeling you’re not getting up anytime soon. I don’t do breakfast in bed, so, you’re going to have to come to the table.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Yes you are. You’re always hungry.” My bed creaked as she lowered herself down on it. “What’s wrong, Jacob?”
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t say that. Now, what’s wrong Jacob?”
I emerged from my refuge beneath the covers and stared her in the eye. “I really don’t know, Belinda. I can’t describe this feeling.”
Belinda scanned my face for a moment and placed her hand on top of mine. She rubbed her thumb against my own and smiled sadly. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” she told me quietly. “But until then, breakfast?”
I sagged my shoulders at her hopeful look and gave in. “Fine. Pancakes?”
Belinda smiled. “And bacon.”
I stood up and walked passed her to the door. “Then what are we waiting for? Let’s eat!”
I sat down beside Belinda and Tony and my mother at the kitchen table. I loaded my plate with pancakes and drizzled syrup on them. I shoved bacon in my mouth and stabbed my fork in the pancakes. The only sound cutting through the silence heavy with awkwardness was Tony’s absentminded humming. He was haphazardly coloring a picture of a dog while his pancake remained untouched.
“Tony, you better eat that,” Belinda scolded him, pressing his fork in his hands. I saw my mother tense out of the corner of my eye. Nothing hurt her more than knowing her child was sitting two feet away from her and she couldn’t reach out to him.
I mean, even if she could, why would she?
I finished my breakfast and deposited my plates in the sink. My mother stood up from the table, her chair skidding along the tile, and walked up beside me. “Can I talk to you, Jacob? Privately?”
I stared at her, then turned away and walked into the living room. Wordlessly, she followed.
I looked at her and crossed my arms. “What?” I asked.
“I’m leaving in a few days,” she started hesitantly, as if she wanted to find another way to start the conversation but couldn’t.
I clenched my jaw tight. “Oh, yeah? Well, no surprise there. I didn’t think you would stay.”
She curled her fingers together into fists. This is how I could tell she was my mother. We both had a clashing, furious, burning fire. We both had a temper, and neither of us forgot anything. “Please don’t do this with me now, Jacob. I just want to ask you something.”
“Since when do you have the right to ask me anything? You know what? You wouldn’t need answers if you’d just stick around for longer than a few weeks.”
“You know I can’t do that!”
“No Mom, you can. You just don’t want to.”
She clutched the back of the couch we stood behind and narrowed her eyes at me. “Will you just listen to me?”
I glared at her, but I said nothing and let her continue.
“My job bought me a house in Southern California. There’s a private school nearby and I was wondering if you’d like to move there with me. You could attend it and---”
“What about Tony?”
She rubbed her forearms. “He doesn’t remember me. It wouldn't be right.”
“So, you’re just going to leave him? Forget he was ever your son?”
“No. When he’s older I’ll come back, but . . .”
“No.”
“Excuse me?”
“ I’m turning down your offer. I cannot and will not leave Heart, North Carolina.”
My mother looked shocked, angry, saddened. She started pacing away from me, back and forth. “I don’t understand,” she muttered. “Why not?”
“There’s too much here. Plus, I only have one more year left until college. I can’t miss that.”
“You’ll be fine. You can even go to college in California and contact your friends regularly. You’ll have phone, e-mails, skype, Facebook, you won’t lose contact, I promise.”
I held my head, frustrated. “Even if I weren’t worried about school, that’s not the main reason why I’m not going.”
Her shoulders relaxed. “If you want Tony to come along, I’m sure we can work something out . . .”
“No, he's not the one I'm in love with!”
She looked taken aback, fumbling for her words. “Jacob . . . what do you . . . are you saying . . .”
My eyes widened when I realized what I’d said and what I’d thankfully not revealed. She reached out to me but I backed away, headed toward the stairs. I ran up them, hearing my mom call me back, but I walked straight into my bathroom and locked the door. I needed time to think. I turned on the shower and slipped my shirt over my head. Steam began to fill the room. I stared at myself in the mirror, at my piercing blue eyes and shaggy brown hair. I brought my hand up and brushed it over my lips, closing my eyes, remembering a particular mouth that they once touched . . .
Holy hell, I almost said I loved Jemma. God, what the fuck was wrong with me? I had an image, a picture, and right now I was coloring outside the lines.
I moved my hands over my face, shoving the heels of my palms into my eyes. Why was everything so frickin’ confusing? Why couldn’t life just be simple and make sense?
I stripped off the rest of my clothes and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water sear my skin and cleanse me. It was so incredibly hot but it felt so incredibly good.
I couldn’t leave Heart and go to California. First off, I didn’t think I could survive even a day of nothing but my mom. Secondly, there was no way I was leaving Dad. Someday he would come out, I knew. One of these days. I just knew.
And . . . Fine, I’ll admit it.
I couldn’t leave Jemma.
She was gone, but like my father, she would come back. Everybody did eventually.
Plus, what kind of a friend would I be if I left her hanging like that? And besides, I was already invited to her mother’s funeral and Clara and Michael’s wedding, and I didn’t want to bail on that. Jemma would be here. She would.
I was sure of it.
*****
It was night. She walked down the street of the main town of Heart, North Carolina. A light snow was falling. People were stringing up Christmas lights and she smelled the scent of gingerbread cookies wafting through the air. She stuffed her hands in her coat pockets and continued trudging down the sidewalk.
Clara stopped outside a store with teddy bears and dolls in the windows, and holly framing the glass. She smiled, deep in thought to herself. A tear squeezed out and hung from her eyelash, and then more pushed them out as they trailed down her cheeks. Suddenly she felt hands on her, turning her around, and then a mouth captured hers. She sank into the familiar warmth, dreading the moment she had to let go.
“Hey, baby,” Michael said softly, wrapping his arms around her.
“Hey Michael,” Clara whispered, feeling instantly safe and secure.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” he murmured into her hair. “I’ve been worried.”
“I’m fine,” She rasped.
Michael kissed her cheek and licked his lips. “You’re crying again. You do that a lot lately.”
“I’m not the only one. Jemma was crying often, too.”
They stared through the frosted glass for a few minutes, and then he spoke again. “Are you thinking about her again?”
“How can I not?” she said, exasperated. “She’s been gone for almost two weeks. We’re getting married soon and I just don’t want her to do anything stupid. Why can’t she see that she has a home here?”
“She probably doesn’t see much,” Michael started, “but maybe that’s because she doesn’t let herself see enough. She’s hurting so bad and so deeply that she’s blinded to anything else.”
She thumped his chest. “When did you turn into a phsychiatrist?”
“When my soon-to-be-wife dumped her life problems on me.”
“I did not dump them on you.”
“Fine then. I walked right into them.”
“That’s better.” She leaned her head on his shoulder. “Those teddy bears remind me of Jemma when she was young. She didn’t remember me when she came here, because I only saw her once in her life and she was so young. But I hoped . . . well, I guess I just hoped too much.”
“Don’t say that,” Michael told her.
“No, it’s true. She used to be a carefree child, believe it or not. She was happy and she actually smiled. It was magnificent, when she really smiled. Lit up the room.” she paused. “I miss her so much.”
“She will come back, Clara, she will.”
“You better hope so.”
“I don’t have to hope, because I know so.”
Clara turned and smiled at Michael. “You know, you sure seem to have all the answers.”
“I’m just handling the situation best I can.”
She snaked her arms around his neck. “And how’s that going for ya?”
He leaned his forehead against hers. “I think I’m doing pretty well,” he said, and bent over to kiss her again.
Michael walked Clara home. They walked in a comfortable, calm silence. A silence that for once wasn’t awkward or laden with unanswered questions. It was just . . . companionable. She liked it.
They walked right up the stairs and down the hall to her room. But they had to pass Jemma’s bedroom to get there. Michael tried to steer her right on by but she hesitated. He groaned.
“Clara, I really don’t think it’s such a good idea to stop,” he muttered.
She waved him quiet and stepped inside. It smelled like Jemma, like rosemary. She rubbed her hands over all her stuff, stopping to breathe in the scent left on her pillows and blankets.
“She always smelled so good,” She commented out of the blue with her nose in her sheets. “It was so natural, too. I was jealous.”
Michael grabbed Clara's arm and gently pulled her away from the bed and toward their room.
“I think maybe you’re right,” She said to Michael once they were across the threshold and in safe territory.
“Maybe?” He said teasingly.
She stood by the window looking out across the falling snow glittering in the moonlight. “She’ll come back,” She whispered. “And when she does, I’ll be waiting right here.”