A/N: this shit is finally picking up ayye
just remember you guys can ask me questions any time bc i have nothing better to do than answer them, and I adore you guys more than you know.
oh, and tyler has been clean for around four months now :)) im pretty sure i never mentioned it that way so hello pls read my shit story now. oh and i
have no idea what day of the week it is so i made it a thursday
and one more thing, unless i tell you that someone named andy or michael or whatever, are in a band, or if i include their last name, don't assume they're from a band. so, even though alex gaskarth is one of my many lord and saviors, he is not in goner :))
***
I felt like a glass of water. I felt like a glass of water that had the smallest amount of food coloring dropped into it, and was watching it spread from somewhere I couldn't control. Maybe high above the ground, or below it. But I was watching the water change into a deep, thick, warm color, and I didn't hate it nearly as much as I wanted to.
I was drowning so unbelievably quickly in the feeling of his skin and the touch of his hair, and the feeling was so painful and yet so comfortable and soft, and I never wanted to let him go, out of fear that the slightly memorized parts of his body would be lost to me. I was finally brushing my fingertips against places I had no business touching before now, like the hollow of his cheek and the delicate curve of his eyebrow. And his eyes were so gorgeous, the butterscotch color making me want to stare into them forever. I looked into his eyes and saw melting caramel, and my desperate face, too, hoping for him to reconnect our lips again.
And maybe my lungs hurt so badly because of the fact that I was breathing in Josh instead of air, and knowing I would have to release him made me want to scream.
Yeah, that was probably it.
The real question still sat there in the corner, unanswered as we swallowed up the space in between our lips, not stopping out of fear of asking each other questions. Awkwardness was always something you wished to be avoided, unless it entertained you somewhat. Seeing someone else in an awkward situation might be considered funny, but having myself in one made me want to cry. And I feel that the same goes for most people that live on planet earth and feel the need to interact with people.
But it was coming. I could feel it, and I didn't know how it would be approached, but hoped it would be somewhat decent.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He questioned, stepping forward so that his body was much closer to mine. I could feel his body heat, and the lining of his toned chest under his thin shirt.
Because I wasn't expecting that particular question, I let the lump grow in my throat that appeared any time I talked about my issues, and shrugged. "It wasn't important, I guess."
"Don't say that," he replied immediately, voice stern and strong. "Don't say anything like that. It isn't true."
I bit my lip, shaking my head at him. "No, listen. I've been clean for four months, and I'm fine." I lied easily, knowing it wasn't the entire truth. It was much easier to lie. I have been clean for four months, though, and I still pride myself on that, no matter how difficult it could get. My thoughts were still a bit on the shaky side, but it didn't matter.
It didn't matter.
"Tyler. You can trust me," he said, hands pressed to the sides of my neck again. His forehead was almost leaning on mine, and I didn't know where to put my hands, besides over his. "Alright? Trust me."
"I-I trust you," I repeated.
"I don't know what you went through, and are probably still going through, but I will listen. I will be here. Do you understand? I'm not a therapist, but I can do something."
"Josh, you don't have-"
He just cut me off again, pressing his lips to mine for the second time in an hour. I wondered how long we had been in here, and if class had started yet. Probably soon.
"Yes I do." He smiled slightly, pulling the strings of my hoodie gently. I went to ask why, but he just shook his head, pressing a small kiss to my forehead.
There was something he wasn't telling me, but I just sighed, figuring it was too young to be doing couple like things, like bury my face in his the soft skin of his neck, but I did it anyway. Even if we weren't a couple, he definitely kissed me, and that could always be evidence towards something.
"Thanks." I said gently, biting my lip to shield the nerves running through my body.
Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around my torso, stiff at first. Soon after, though, he relaxed against my body, small puffs of air being released from the both of us. I was so unbelievably shocked at this turn of events that I never wanted to leave these confinements, dreading the memory slipping away. I doubt it could leave my head any time soon, but maybe leaving would make this even more unbelievable, thus making it some make believe thing. And I didn't want that. I didn't want to be sitting in class and close to tears because of the fact that something so beautiful would have to be hidden by the walls of my dysfunctional brain.
"Scoop after school?" He asked quietly into my hair, rubbing the mess on top of my head.
I nodded. "Yes. Yeah, yes. Perfect."
~~~
Josh skipped every single one of the morning classes, and saying that it made me feel like trash was an understatement. I couldn't stop wondering what I had done wrong and what would happen if he didn't like the kiss and what would happen if he didn't like me. It was difficult to focus on anything that didn't involve him, and my knee bounced up and down in anxiety. What if it was just an impulsive choice he made, or if he just felt bad for me? I wouldn't be surprised, honestly. But, that didn't seem like him, and so I just tried to ignore how much I wanted to tear my skin apart, settling for digging my nails into the delicate skin of my wrist.
I could have gone to find him or somehing, but I didn't know where to look. I didn't know enough about him to know where he spent all of his time, or where he wanted to be when he didn't want to be anywhere. When it came to things like this, I was a pretty helpless and useless person, because there wasn't anything I could do.
"Hey," someone hissed, making me roll my eyes and look down at my desk all over again, not bothering to more my hand. I needed some physical pain. Any type of physical pain. "Hey, Tyler."
I simply sat there, waiting for the day to dwindle down so that I could make sure Josh was okay. Even if he thought I was terrible when we met again, it would still be nice to make sure he was still inhabiting the earth and breathing and stuff. I didn't know he would be in the cafeteria, but I went there anyway, simply because I wanted to. And maybe it had something to do with the fact that I had no where else to go.
So when the bell rang, I immediately jumped from my seat and was purposely out of the door before anyone else, just wanting to get there already. There had been a lump in my throat ever since he told me to go to class with a light, happy voice and no further explanation, ushering me out of the supply closet. He made it sound like he was going to be walking after me at some point, but he still wasn't there and it worried me.
I don't know why I was so bothered by him leaving after we kissed. It's very obvious that I am very rarely enough for anyone, let alone him, and it's okay. It's whatever. Seriously.
So I didn't expect him to be sitting at the table the both of us usually sat at with candy bars in front of him and red eyes, though he still managed to look sarcastic and beautiful. That was him, for you. I could tell he was waiting for me patiently, but I didn't know how to approach him now that I knew what he felt like against me, in a way that wasn't platonic. I knew what his lips felt like against mine now and what his hands did to my skin when he touched it and how it felt when the anticipation in between the times are lips weren't touching was getting to be too much, when every part of my body was just screaming for me to tackle him and shower him in the way he made me feel.
Could I stay in the doorway of the cafeteria forever? I wondered, tapping my fingers against the skin of my arm. I'm pretty sure I still had the crescent shapes indents of my fingernails in my forearm, but didn't want to look. Seeing my scars right now would just set this entire thing off, and so I shook my head. I shook my head, peered in through a piece of glas while hoping no one was looking at me, and then wondered if my hair looked this disgusting all day, and if Josh really did want to kiss this bag of skin and bones that had huge bags under his eyes, and a look of perpetual defeat on his face. I couldn't see it.
Sighing, I decided to just suck it up. If I was going to see him right now, then I was going to do it now. So I forced my feet to move further into the room, my body moving towards his swiftly, and the words I wanted to say getting caught in my throat when he looked up and his eyes met mine, making me bite my lip. His eyes were still so absolutely beautiful, and that might have been the only thing to keep the courage and desire in my body, fueling me to keep walking towards him. Because I really didn't. I felt like an idiot.
Swallowing thickly, I crossed my arms. It wasn't an act of anger, but the feeling of insecurity made my breathing pick up a little more than I preferred. "Where were you?" I asked gently, inviting myself to sit down across from him. His eyes danced all over my face, trying to decipher my thoughts, but I just kept it all neutral, not knowing how exactly he would answer.
"Um." It was only one sound, and it still made me want to hang on to his every word and repeat everything he said in my head over and over like some kind of broken record. But it wouldn't be broken to me. It would be perfect. "I went home."
I blinked slowly, looking him directly in the eyes after a couple minutes of internal struggle, making sure I had the power to make eye contact with him. Turns out it did, and I rested one of my palms under my chin, sighing. "You kissed me. In a supply closest. And then go home?"
I didn't sound accusatory, which was good because that wasn't my intent, and he just looked at me, biting the inside of his cheek. "Look, I know it was a turd move, leaving like that, but I really had something to take care of." When I didn't respond, he took my hand across the table, effectively making my cheeks heat up and my breathing do that thing where it stops in my throat all over again. I was in actual pain.
"Tyler, look," he breathed, leaning in closer, his scent tangling me up once more. "I dont regret kissing you and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to, but I don't."
"I-I don't regret it, either," I choked, looking up at him with my eyes wide and my heart pounding at an abnormal speed and volume.
He nodded, raising my hand to his lips, leaving a delicate kiss there. And sure, a cafeteria wasn't the most romantic place to be, but it didn't matter because I couldn't focus on anything but him. It was like he was literally an ice climber with a one of those pickaxes that really just wanted to get to the center or the mountain, and I was the mountain, and he was killing me. He was actually injuring me with everything he was, but it was the good kind of injuring. The painless kind that you knew would catch up to you at night in the form of smiles you couldn't ever stop and giggles you couldn't suppress and feelings you couldn't get rid of. It was such a nice thing, and such a petrifying one.
~~~
Josh had his car in the parking lot now, because he had gone home earlier, and so we sat in the faded vehicle, in slightly dreamy silence, though music played in the background. Today, it was Sidekick by Man Overboard, the sound and lyrics drifting through the speakers and through the both of us. And they especially hit home when he sang them to me happily.
"I'd like to save the world, and you can be my sidekick," he laughed, leaning over to plant a quick quick to my seemingly permanently red cheek.
And just earlier I was scared to nuzzle my face into his strong jaw, but now we were holding hands over the console like we've known each other for years. It was strange, but I liked it. I liked the idea of doing this every time we were in a car together, and I liked the idea of being able to kiss him whenever I felt like it. But I never got what I wanted.
"So how was your morning then? Since I never asked," he said, turning onto the street that lead us to Scoop. He was the first one to break the soft silence the first time, too, and I just glanced at him, biting my lip again.
"It was alright," I answered slowly, shrugging. "The part with you was the best, though." At that, I had a problem hiding the grin that crept onto my face, so I settled for turning away from him.
"Oh, shut up," he grinned, shaking his head. "You were pretty great, though, too, if I do say so myself."
Laughing, I shook my head with him, both of us staring at each other with surprising force. Well, it was more like me staring and him glancing back at me, blushing every single time he caught my gaze. He only looked back, the way I was looking at him, when he parked the car outside of the little shop, peering at me and laughing. The eye crinkles.
"Jesus Christ," I murmured, shaking my head in attempt to get rid of everything in it. His face was making me dizzy and nervous, but somehow, what was on the inside fueled my adoration for him more. His complexity intrigued me, a lot. "What are you laughing at?"
"Nothing. You're just cute," he said casually, as if those three words hadn't just made my stomach turn inside out. "We could be untouchable, untouchable." He sang, tugging delicately on my sweatshirt sleeve. He was very touchy and gentle, and that thought made my heart beat quicker than I thought possible.
He jumped out of his car, suddenly, the vehicle wheezing with the release of his weight. "I hope my car never dies," he said absentmindedly, kissing the hood dramatically. I came around to him, after climbing out myself and shutting the door with a creak, daring myself to plant a kiss on his cheekbone. He stuck his tongue out at me, but took my hand again and lead me to the door. I wasn't used to making first moves in anything, and the first three relationships I had consisted of whoever I was dating taking the initiative most of the time.
There was more people in here then there was the first time, too, and it made the atmosphere nice. Some couple were sitting here, along with a woman and her small son, who had ice cream all over his entire face.
"Look, I know what you're going to say, but you should really try the bubblegum flavored," he suggested when we got to the ice cream station, standing significantly closer to each other than we were the first time. It made my insides burn.
"Heck no," I objected. "That sounds way too interesting for me."
"How about I get it, and then you can try it? I do get it free, so." He offered, poking my side in attempt to persuade me. "Come on, please try it?"
"Literally only because you want me to."
~~~
Turns out, bubblegum flavored ice cream is quite incredible when it comes from Scoops. It's this frilly pink color with a light decent of cotton candy, and tastes like sugar and cavities exploded across the world that is your mouth. Josh could tell I liked it by the way I wouldn't tell him I didn't like it, and he giggled at me, nodding. "Told you."
"Shut your mouth," I replied, finishing off my red velvet swirl with gummy worms. He was done soon, too, and then we were looking at each other again with dirty little plastic bowls with Scoop written across it in the way most businesses do, making me grab one and move my eyes over it shyly. I waited for him to speak with more anticipation than fear, and he clasped his hands together.
"So, um. Once again, I really care about you, and really want you to talk to me if you ever feel like that again," he started lowly, making sure no one overhead us.
"I already told you, Josh. I've been clean fo-"
"No, no," he interrupted, shaking his head. "Not hurting yourself doesn't mean that you're okay. Not to dismiss what you've done for yourself, because that requires so much self-discipline and restraint, and I'm so glad you're doing well in terms of that. I'm so, so proud."
I smiled down at the tabletop, blushing with the amounts of praise being given to me. "But I want you to be okay. Are you okay?"
The question made me want to tell him the truth, but I didn't. I never had an issues with lying, and so the word flew from me easily. "Yes."
"Yes?"
"Yes. I am okay. Are you okay?"
"Perfect," he said, grabbing my hand again. "Absolutely perfect. And I never want you to go home."
"Don't let me," I whispered, blinking. "Don't let me go home, then." It was a dumb thing for me to suggest and actually mean, but I wouldn't take it back. I didn't really want to go home to my mom with scattered things that had whispers of my dad surrounding her, her soft sniffles drifting through the air of our house. That's not what I wanted. It could be worse, though, and I said nothing about it for that reason
"I would steal you and keep you in my house if that was a decent thing to do," he raised his eyebrows, rubbing small patterns into my skin with his thumb as he spoke.
"It's up to me, so, yeah. But I'd have to convince my mom."
"Who probably wants to see you," he laughed, pulling me up onto my feet. "Just let me say goodbye to my aunt and I'll be right back out."
~~~
Now, it was almost five, and I couldn't believe how much time we had spent together. He was standing on my porch with a soft smile on his face and my hand in his, nodding to himself. "You know, I really enjoy being around you." He started, moving closer to me. Hesitantly, he nudged his lips on to mine again, almost as if he was silently asking permission. The thought made me smile internally, because he was so sweet that it was hard to process.
But I just hoped my mom wasn't looking through a window or something as the two of us kissed lazily and slowly and innocently. There was nothing dirty about it at all, it was just the connection of lips, but it still made electricity shoot down my spine and spread through the rest of my body.
"I think you're quite incredible, too, by the way," he answered, directly responding to what I said earlier today, holding me by the waist. "Is this okay?"
Forming words seemed quite difficult now, and so I just nodded, pulling him closer to me because I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want the memory to follow him after he was gone. Though, I didn't know I would ever dread the end of a Wednesday as much as I did right now.
"Oh, and there's a football game tomorrow. You up for it?" He asked, and I nodded immediately.
He laughed, shaking his head at me. "You must have had fun, because I thought you only reserved that level of excitement for amazing things. Like me. And pizza rolls."
"Oh, please."
***
A/N: terrible ass ending ew wtf. this is also 3632 words bow down
just joking, but i hope you liked this butt ass chapter. fun fact: i listened to the wonder years and cried really hard during 80% of the time during which i wrote this chapter forgive me
plus unedited af :-) ill do it tomorrow im tired