«DAY 5»
Luke
From the moment I wake up, the events of last night starts playing in my head like a film roll.
I'd slept in a different room than Lissa's, because I'd wanted some privacy to sulk. But Michael had thrown the Jane-lookalike into my room, and I didn't get to sulk after all.
"This is Leila," he'd said. "She likes you."
Leila and I glanced at each other, and she blushed furiously. But she didn't try to hide to fact that her desire was coming off her in waves. I groaned.
When I stumbled outside to tell Michael to get rid of Jane-lookalike, he simply asked:
"Don't you miss sex?"
"...Yeah," I'd admitted drunkenly. "But Jane-"
"What if Jane is dead?" Michael asked suddenly, and the hallway filled with silence.
"You mentioned once that she was getting a surgery," he presses, trying to provoke a reaction out of me. "What kind of a surgery?"
"I don't know." I looked down at my feet, which looked as if they were moving in my drunken state. But they weren't. Everything was moving around me, the walls closing in, trapping me in, when Michael finally asked:
"Do you think she died?"
"I-I don't know," I whispered, my lip trembling. I was getting more and more upset with every word Michael spoke.
"Maybe she was more hurt than you thought. Maybe the surgery went wrong."
She didn't die, I told myself, my heart pounding. She didn't. Drunken tears started filling my eyes.
Michael shook his head like I was insane, took another swig of his beer and stared me right in the eye. "I'm sorry, Luke."
It was around one o clock when I dragged myself back to the room in zombie-like movements, feeling numb. Leila was there, waiting for me. I briefly remember our clothes then falling to the floor, our bodies pressed against each other, the sounds of our moans echoing off the walls. I just wanted something to distract me from the emptiness I felt inside.
My eyes now fully open, I glance sideways and see Leila next to me, fast asleep.
Lissa
I wake up to the sound of Luke shouting profanities, a girl sobbing, and then the front door slamming closed. On top of that, a pair of arms are encircled around my waist. Michael, his arms around me, in my bed.
"What's going on?" I mumble, both confused about why Michael is here, and why Luke is shouting so early in the morning.
"You were having nightmares," Michael says, looking into my eyes. His eyes are bloodshot and his hair a mess from staying up all night. Looking at him, I am reminded of our conversation from last night, of what I'd said to him. "Michael, I'm Luke's girlfriend. I can't be caught with you...as much as you and Amber can't."
Remembering how upset he looked after that, I can't look Michael in the eyes properly. But thankfully, it looks like he was way too drunk to remember what had happened. He looks at me with oblivious, blissful eyes, tracing patterns on my arm, and I know he's back to his normal, flirty self. For the first time, I'm happy that Michael had stayed that way.
"Nightmares?" I ask, shifting uncomfortably in his arms.
"Yeah. I heard you screaming in your sleep and came over here," Michael says thoughtfully. "You were saying someone's name....Dustin, I think. Who is it? An ex?"
"No," I reply. "My brother." And then I start sulking again, at the mention of his name, remembering Luke rejecting me, and how I'm stuck here for another twenty six days. But I haven't given up yet, not even a little. I'll try everything get on Luke's good side, and somehow convince him to take me to California.
I look up and realize that Michael had asked me a question, his eyes curious.
"What?"
"Are you okay?" He repeats, rubbing his hand up and down my arm.
"Yeah," I say.
"Good," he says. And then I feel Michael lift the hair off my shoulder and plant soft, wet kisses on the nape of my neck, pulling me in so that his chest is pressed against my back. I shiver with guilty pleasure but also, fear. I shift in his arms so that we're facing each other, and Michael takes it as a sign of enthusiasm. He cranes his neck further so that his face is inches from mine, and his eyes flutter closed, his lips so dangerously close to mine.
What was with his obsession of kissing me?
"You need to prep for sound check!" I blurt loudly, sitting up so fast I hit Michael in the face. I blush a crimson red, looking down at an obviously disappointed Michael.
"Sound check starts at 4," he says quietly. "It's two o clock."
"Um, yeah, I know." I laugh nervously. "Let's go get brunch. I'm starving!"
So even though he looks pissed, I take a frustrated Michael's hand, and pull him outside. Calum is playing video games, his head in Ashton's lap. "I beat you, Ash!" He giggles, and Ashton rolls his eyes at him, like a big brother.
Luke doesn't come out of his room no matter how many times we knock, so the four of us leave for brunch without him.
+
The only thing the boys had planned tonight is the concert at five. And when they are playing a show, I have time to myself. All I had to do is sit backstage and be 'supportive'. This time, I got a full view of the stage. I watched in wonder as the beaming lights shine on the boys' faces, and they started to play, singing their hearts out, the echos of the crowd echoing around me. By the second hour, they start to sing out the notes of their final song, the beats of the drum and Luke's sweet singing filling my ears.It's times like this where I wish Dustin was here with me. He loved music. He picked up the guitar before he'd learned to pick up a spoon. He was a childhood Einstein; everyone knew he was talented. He was accepted into a prestigious music school, and we threw him a celebration party. That was only three days before the accident, and after that, Dustin couldn't even strum a single note on that guitar.
I shake my head of the memories, focusing on what's in front of me instead. The last riff of the guitar fades into the night, and the spotlight shines on the boys. The crowd cheers.
As they say their final goodbyes with big smiles on their faces, Michael squeezes Luke in an embrace I know is forced; now that I know of their complicated relationship.
And then it happened.
I didn't see it coming. None of us did.
Ashton pulls away from a hug with Calum, and their eyes lock in a short, almost terrifying moment. I think time might've stopped for a second. And suddenly, Ashton's lips are on Calum's, grabbing a fistful of the younger boy's shirt to pull him closer. The cameras don't stop rolling. The screens project their faces; from Calum's eyes, open in shock, Ashton's lips closing over Calum's, his tongue darting into his mouth. And especially, the strangely calm looks on Michael and Luke's faces.
Dead silence falls over the stadium, something I've never heard at a show before.
On the screen, Luke sighs as if he can't wait until this concert is over. How could he be sighing when that...that had just happened?
The silence is broken, and the crowd breaks into an explosion of girls screaming, shouting, and wailing. They sound more like cries of agony rather than the cries of joy I'd heard during the rest of the show. It's unbelievably loud. I slap my hands over my ears, my heart pounding. I don't need to know what had just happened to realize that this wasn't supposed to happen. This is a bad thing. Ashton and Calum had done a horrible thing.
Calum pushes Ashton backwards, hard, with the palms of his hands. He yells something at him, his face crumpling. Then, leaving the crowd screaming and shouting, he runs off the stage and through the backstage area.
"Calum!" I shout desperately as he runs past. "Calum, wait."
I follow him outside to find him sitting in the corner of the hallway by the restrooms. His knees are pulled to his chest, and he's bawling his eyes out. I've never seen him look so vulnerable.
"Calum..." I say hesitantly, my footsteps slowing down.
"Leave me alone. Please. Lissa," he croaks through tears. His dark hair hangs over his face, intentionally concealing his eyes from me.
Another pair of footsteps ring through the hallway, coming towards us.
"Cal," Ashton's voice says behind me, making me jump. Calum freezes from head to toe. He starts to stand up, but Ashton is faster. He kneels down in front of Calum, pinning him down forcefully.
"Stop it," Calum cries, trying to thrash out of his grip. The tears come faster and thicker, dripping on Ashton's shoes.
"Listen to me," Ashton growls, grabbing Calum's wrists in each hand. I can see Calum finally giving up, his eyes wavering, looking at everything but Ashton.
"Let me go," he says, in an eerily calm voice.
"No," Ashton says. "Never."
Calum looks up, his eyes boring into Ashton's, and they share a secret look that only they understand.
Michael appears behind me, brushing his hand against my arm. To Ashton and Calum, the rest of us are invisible. I can see it now. In Ashton's eyes, there's just Calum.
How did I not notice before? Did everyone else know but me?
They must've, I conclude. Michael and Luke didn't seem shocked at all, but quite caught off guard at the kiss. The fact that the boys had just kissed, publicly, for the first time.
"I love you so much, baby, look at me," Ashton whispers under his breath, his forehead leaning against Calum's. A tear rolls down Calum's cheek and drops into his lap.
"I'm sorry," Ashton says, kissing Calum on the mouth. Calum seems hesitant at first, but gives into the kiss, their lips mingling, their arms embracing each other.
"Let's get out of here," Michael whispers quietly, and puts a hand on the small of my back to guide me down the hallway. Making the least amount of noise available, we start to make our way to the tour bus waiting outside.
"W-what just happened?" I ask Michael, my brain struggling to keep up.
"If you haven't noticed already, Calum and Ashton are gay," he replies sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Then I stay silent as he continues in a more serious tone: "Ashton's always wanted to take it public. But Calum was scared. They didn't even tell Luke and I about it. We kind of figured it out ourselves." Michael sighs. "They fought about it all the time. Ashton eventually got exhausted, and he got out of control, I guess. I guess it happens when you really love someone."
"Why was Calum scared?" I ask quietly.
"He was always quite sensitive about their relationship," Michael says. Then, thoughtfully, he adds: "I would be, too. It's fucking hard to be gay in a world like this...." He shakes his head, and his hand touches my face, tilting my chin up. "You won't understand, Lissa. How cruel life is. The pain, the shit, the piss that surrounds us unlucky people. You're so, so lucky you're one of the purest people I've ever seen."
How wrong he is, when he says I don't understand the pain that life brings.
I don't say anything, but I pretend to be sweet, innocent Lissa, and nod curtly.
We're about to turn the corner, when we hear voices behind us. Michael takes my hand and we hide behind a clothing rack that the makeup and hair crew had left behind, peeking out to glance at the scenario in front of us. Calum is gripping Ashton's hand like a lifeline. Ben is standing in front of them, screaming something at them; something menacing, something cruel, and Calum's crying again. Ashton takes one look at Calum and bursts into a fit of anger, blurting profanities at Ben, his body half shielding Calum by instinct.
"They're so good to each other," Michael breathes, watching Ashton. "I wish I could feel that."
I don't say anything back, because I don't know what to say. Instead, I watch as Ben says something inaudible to Ashton and Calum. The three of them walk into one of the dressing rooms, and the door closes behind them with a bang. We don't hear anything else behind those walls.
+
At around eleven, Michael and I are watching TV alone in our hotel room, as Luke had not appeared from the safety of his bedroom, ever since the show had ended. When Calum and Ashton finally walk in, they're eerily quiet, with not a sign of distress on their faces. The tears in Calum's eyes are gone, and so is Ashton's temper. Michael and I look up at them, him looking as confused as I am.
They move towards us in zombie-like motions, sitting on each ends of the couch, not a single word hanging on their lips.
I'm struck with a burning curiosity of what Ben told them inside that dressing room, but I don't dare ask. I can see the pain behind their eyes. I feel so much pain for them, and I grip Calum's hand and squeeze it slightly. He gives me the smallest of smiles.
"We need a drink," Ashton says finally, breaking the terrifying silence between us. His voice is hoarse, quieter than normal.
Michael doesn't waste a single second. He walks over to the kitchen and pulls out three cans of beer, and hands it out to Ashton and Calum. Ashton takes a sip right away, his eyes wavering. Calum lifts his with weak hands, taking a small sip, his eyes focused on the beige wall in front of him.
"You guys drink too much," I mutter with worry.
"We need it tonight," Michael says, before locking eyes with Ashton and Calum.
I step out of their business completely, knowing that that look is something I don't understand. Only the boys would know and understand each other best. And I feel like Michael understands why they're acting like this more than anyone else.
What did Ben say?
"Lissa, I need you downstairs," the intercom at the front door suddenly says, making the four of us jump in surprise. Well, Speak of the devil.
+
When I get to Ben's 'office', he's signing some kind of paperwork on his desk, and he motions for me to sit down in front of him.
"We need to have a chat, Lissa," he says, signing another paper with a flourish of his pen. I slowly take a seat, my mind uneasy after seeing how angry he was a few hours ago.
"I've noticed the way you and Luke interacted in front of the fans yesterday. You stuck close to Michael the whole time as you came off the plane, and Luke didn't even throw you a glance. It was like you two were strangers," he says, not even looking at me once.
"...Oh."
"I'm not saying I want you to stop being close to Michael. I'm saying you and Luke are way too distant from each other. I see absolutely no chemistry between you, and you need to work on that. You have to make them believe the two of you are in love."
I nod. "So... what do you want us to do?"
"Hold hands, whisper, kiss, cuddle, etc. Whenever the cameras are rolling, he is the love of your life."
"Okay," I gulp. "Was that it?"
"No. I wanted to let you know you have to shoot with Luke tomorrow. No excuses this time. We gave you plenty of time," Ben deadpans, crumpling up a piece of paper and tossing it in the trash.
"S-shoot?"
He looks at me with a raised brow.
My face falls when I realize what he's talking about. "Oh. The... s-sex tape with Luke." I know I can't protest at this point. No matter what, I'll have to do it, sooner or later. I think of Dustin, his crinkly blue eyes that he got from mom, and his little dimples that appeared when he smiled. If I hadn't gotten this role, we'd be living on the streets by now.
"I wouldn't call it a sex tape," Ben says. "Sometimes, Lissa, we have to fabricate a controversy in order to grab someone's attention."
"But C-Calum and Ashton?" I ask, suddenly feeling defiant, and a little daring.
Ben's face turns dark, and I immediately regret talking back to him. My heart fills with fear, especially now that I've seen the effect he has on Ashton and Calum. The easy parts of this job was over. The time of rainbows and sprinkles are over. Now, I'm seeing the ugly truth.
"That's a different situation," Ben says grimly. "Being gay in this society won't earn you any more fans, it gives more people a reason to shame you."
I don't agree with him. But I don't voice it.
"Is there anything else you want to say?" Ben asks, looking at my sulking shoulders. I'm about to say no, until I remember my conversation with Luke.
"Um, about me having a day off-"
"Right. I lied, Lissa," Ben interrupts, his eyes grazing over me. "No one can come along with you. We won't know where you'll be and what will happen to the two of you. It's just not safe."
The words blurt out of my mouth. "But you said I can go if Luke comes with me!" I protest.
"But did he say he'll take you?" He asks, his voice getting louder.
"No," I say quietly. "Not yet. But I was planning on convincing him. I was going to convince him..."
"That just makes things easier," Ben says. "Now there's no way you can go. Anyway, I wouldn't have allowed you even if he'd said yes."
Something lodges in my throat. "But, Ben, please-"
"End of discussion," he says. "You're done. Please get out of my office."
"Ben-"
"I said, end of discussion!" Ben screams, and I hiccup loudly, my words coming to a halt. I'm getting more and more upset by the minute, especially since he'd just raised his voice at me. I feel like a child being punished by her father.
I walk outside, tears starting to flood my eyes. I feel humiliated and degraded, and at a time like this I miss Dustin and my parents more than anything. And at the thought of them, my heart breaks into pieces.
"I need a beer," I sob for the first time, bursting through the door, and Ashton, Michael and Calum look at me with bloodshot, surprised eyes.
Luke
I haven't come out of my room the entire day, unless I had to eat or go to the washroom, and once more for the sound check and the show. My laptop is open on my lap, and I let out a groan, tugging at the strands of my hair. This research is killing me. I know faintly how Jane looked like. Although two years later, I'm guessing a person's appearance can change drastically, she'd had shoulder-length blond hair. Brown eyes, warm like chocolate. I didn't even know her name, and she'd never known mine until the last day. I watched her for days, in that hospital bed, waking up, recovering, going in for surgery about five times. And yet I'd forgotten the details of her face. The most I remember are the eyes and the hair.
Leila had left today, and I don't feel bad for her at all. I balled up her clothes and threw them at her chest and told her she needed to get out of my fucking bed and my fucking room, and she'd run out, crying.
Truthfully, I haven't slept with anyone since Amber left. After falling in love, I'd stopped having one night stands.
Although, Amber was a little different. We've known each other for years. We lived together. I mean, how could we not, right?
I sigh and google another state in California, locating all the possible places Jane could be hiding. I'm desperate now, almost obsessive. I need to know that she's alive, or I won't be able to keep moving. I did this research every day.
My fingers wandering on the keyboard, I mindlessly type in a new search; the rehab centre Lissa said her brother was checked into. A few results come up, but the one at the very top catches my attention.
St. Johns rehab centre; San Jose.
The words flash in front of my eyes, and my heart jumps in my throat. I almost fall off my chair in surprise.
"Maybe I met her before," Lissa said. "I live there."
Jane was in San Jose.
Dustin is in San Jose.
She didn't fucking tell me that. I didn't care where in San Jose she'd lived. As long as she knew her way around, I knew she could be of help. This was an opportunity I'd been looking for for a long time. I could catch a flight this late at night and arrive by morning...
"Lissa!" I scream, slamming the bedroom door open.
My breaths coming in short gasps, I make my way over to the TV room, where Lissa is leaning against the couch, her knees up to her chest, rocking back and forth. She hiccups loudly, her eyes cloudy and emotionless. Ashton and Michael are passed out on the ground a few feet away, and Calum is watching TV, except there's nothing on the screen but a dialog box that says 'No Signal'.
"Go away," Lissa says quietly, in a raspy voice, her breath reeking of alcohol.
"Lissa-"
"You're a mean boy, Luke!" She yells suddenly, throwing me off guard. "You're a mean, mean boy."
"What?" I ask, dumbfounded.
"You refuse to see anything that's going on around you," she says, the pain evident in her voice. With drunken eyes, she points a shaking finger at me. "You only care about yourself. Everyone is hurting tonight. Michael is in love with Amber, but you didn't care!! And when Ashton kissed Calum and he cried, you didn't care. And when I wanted to see my brother, you said no! And now we can't even go to because Ben-"
"Pack your bags, you idiot," I blurt, interrupting her mid-sentence. She gazes at me with hateful, confused eyes, and I rub the space between my eyebrows tiredly. "Lissa, you didn't fucking tell me- never mind. We're leaving to California. Right now, before anyone sees."
omg Cashton + Muke af
I love how Calum is a cuddly puppy, Ashton daddy af, Michael the fuckboy/frat boy and Luke is like the 'emo one'
Question of the chapter: Opinions on who to play Lissa? I was actually thinking someone like Gatlin Green/Isabelle Cornish/Kiernan Shipka but with brown hair.