For the first time ever I was actually excited about attending German. I take my usual spot in the back beside the window. Nathan takes a sit a couple or seats down from me where he sits with Eric. He looks my way and smiles. I return it. Eric then whispers something to him and he talks to him.
Mr Brown then stands at the front of the class and begins the lesson. I ignore him. Making sure no one was watching me, I sketch the side of his face. The butterflies return even though I'm not near him. I feel weird for sketching someone else other than my dad.
As soon as class is over I make my way to the library where I could spend recess in there. I continue with the drawing.
"I want to know where you were last night," I hear my sister's voice.
I quickly snap my book closed and turn to see my sister walking over to me. She is mad. She stands beside and crosses her arms across her chest.
"You never go out," she continues.
"I went nowhere," I answer. There is no way I'm telling her about the concert.
"You were out with Nathan last night, weren't you?"
My heart pounds in my chest. She knows. Oh God, she knows I went out with him. I can't tell her the truth. She will make fun of me for being with him.
"Why would I go out with Nathan?" I deny.
Lindsay knows I'm lying and that I'm hiding me something. Maybe it's because is my twin and we attend to know when the other one is lying and telling the truth. If someone else was to ask me if I was out with Nathan, they would believe my lies. They will end the discussion before they get their head torn off by me. Lindsay, on the other hand, she will keep asking me questions, even if I don't even up answering them, but she will keep asking until I crack and tell her.
"You like him," she answers for me. "That's why you would go out with Nathan."
I panic on the inside. My heart seems to beating faster than usual. I feel sick. She knows. Wait, no. I don't like him. She doesn't know anything. I don't like Nathan. I never had and I will never have. We are just friends. I think that's what we are. I don't know if I want to be friends with him.
I roll my eyes. I need to act like myself otherwise she will think something is definitely up. "That would be the day if I ever went out with him. I will never go out with him. I don't like him."
Liar! My head screams at me.
I suddenly feel dizzy. This is too much for me.
"Alex, Lindsay, could you girls please keep it down in here," the librarian tells us. I hate librarians. I don't see the harm in speaking in the library.
"Alex, there's nothing wrong with admitting how you feel about someone," Lindsay continues, not exactly listening to the librarian at all. "You don't need to feel a shame."
"I don't need to admit anything."
I stand up quickly, and I really wish I hadn't. I feel lightheaded. Lindsay sees that something is wrong. She is asking me if I'm okay, but I don't answer her. I need to get out of here. I need to clear my head. I turn to grab my stuff, and as I walk away, I collapsed.
* * * * *
I wake up in the sick bay. I'm here alone. I sit up. I feel thirsty and grab my water bottle from my bag. I glance at my watch. It's half way through third period. There is no reason to go back to class right now. I just have to wait here until the bell rings.
"Oh, you're awake." I look up to see the school nurse walking in. "How are you feeling?"
"What happened?"
"You fainted in the library. Are you alright?"
I nod. "Yeah, I just felt lightheaded."
"Okay, well you can stay here until next period. Just sit back and relax." She smiles and then leaves the room again.
I pick up my sketch book that's on the floor beside my bag. I open it and turn to the page I had drawn on. The side of Nathan's face stares back at me. The butterflies return as I picture his smiling face. No. What's happening? Why am I getting these butterflies? It's making me feel nausea.
I grab my stuff and go to see if Miss Giovanni. I need to see her. Only she can help me. I knock on her door and open it. She is with another student. She tells me to wait outside her office and she will be with me soon. I only have to wait for five minutes until I can go in.
"Miss Giovanni, I really need to talk to you about something," I tell her, panicking.
She tries to calm me down, telling me to take a few deep breaths. I do and then sit down in front of her desk.
"What is it, Alex?" she asks. "Tell me."
"I don't know what's wrong with me. Every time I think about Nathan or when I'm with him, I start feeling butterflies, and sometimes I feel sick as well. During recess Lindsay asked me if I liked him, and then it was like my head started spinning or something just thinking about him and I fainted."
"Yes, I heard that you fainted. Are you okay now?"
"I think so. I don't know. I feel scared and confused about something."
"What are you scared and confused about?"
"Nathan Bridges."
"Why?"
My heart beat picks up again. I can tell her this. I can.
"I think I might like him."
She smiles. "That's good, Alex."
"How is that good? I can't like anyone. I'm meant to hate everyone."
"Well, why do you feel like you need to hate everyone?"
I think about it, not even sure why I had turned against everyone. I guess it was just a way to protect myself from being hurt again from being closed to anyone if they ever leave me.
I tell her this.
"Hating everyone is just a way for you to protect yourself from being hurt?" Miss Giovanni says.
"I guess so. I haven't felt loved for almost seven years. I don't want to like Nathan. I'm just terrified that if I started to like him more, I'm going to end up like my mother. I don't want to go through the pain she has gone through."
"How long have you started to feel about this way towards Nathan?"
"Yesterday."
She nods. "I see. You could have philophobia, which is a fear of falling in love, or you have agliophobia, which is a fear of pain or being hurt. You're afraid of falling in love or being in love because you're afraid of getting hurt."
I wasn't really sure if the things she was saying are true, but it probably is.
"I guess so."
"When you are with Nathan, how do you feel about him?"
"I don't know. How are you supposed to feel when you like someone?"
Miss Giovanni smiles at me. She crosses her arms on her desk and leans forward. "Well, butterflies are also one feeling you can get and your heart races. You even get this happy feeling inside of you that makes you feel alive. Is that how you feel about Nathan?"
I nod. "It is, and it scares me."
"Alex, there is no reason for you to feel scared. Maybe it's a little scary at first because it's your first time you're feeling this, but the scary feeling doesn't stay for long."
I nod. What do I say?
"Can I see your sketch book, please?" she asks.
I hand it to her and watch it as she flips through. A nervous feeling appears in the pit of my stomach as I watch her get closer to my drawing to Nathan. What is she going to say or think when she sees the picture of him?
"Is this Nathan?" she asks. She sees it.
I nod. "Yes, it is."
She looks up at me, smiling. She closes the book and hands it back to me. "It's good to see you drawing something else. Have you gone out with him yet?"
I smile, thinking about him. "Well, there was Saturday when he asked me to go to Wet 'n' Wild. I don't know if that classifies as a date, but I wanted to just go as friends. Last night he took me to a Hurricane concert."
"How did the concert go?"
"It went good."
"Did you panic?"
I nod. "Yeah, just a little. I was terrified of having fun, but Nathan somehow helped me to overcome the fear. We had this moment just before the concert where we were staring at each other, like we really truly liked each other. I got scared a little. I panicked inside, but I didn't show it."
"Well, Alex, I'm happy for you. Are you going to go out with him again?"
I shrug my shoulders, smiling. "I don't know. We haven't decided yet. We might."
The bell rings and I thank Miss Giovanni for listening. She dismisses me and I walk out of her office.