San Diego, California.
Three days later...
My feet were killing me, my toes already becoming numb, but I kept running. I had to get there on time. I couldn't afford to be late. Fucking stilettos...
The double doors in front of me opened and a nice, thin lady, wearing pink scrubs stepped out of my way giving me free access to the maternity area. Curtly nodding my head at the woman I continued my run down the hall until my lungs started burning and I was left with no other choice but to slow down and take a couple deep breaths.
My eyes caught sight of Ginger before she got the chance to see me. She was pacing the hallway, busying her hands with her phone. Today, my very personal bodyguard was wearing a breezy green shirt perfectly matching the color of her eyes and a pair of slim jeans that were accentuating her flawless figure. I still couldn't believe that someone could be so thin in spite of the fact that she always ate industrial quantities of food.
As if sensing my presence, my bodyguard turned toward me and gave me a small, reasuring smile that I knew was supposed to make me feel better. Unfortunatelly, that smile had the exactly opposite effect on me, only making me start running again, finally reaching her and letting out a heavy sigh. I was exhausted after having to find a cab and running all the way from the clinic's parking lot to here so it was either stopping for a minute to catch my breath or crumbling to the ground unconsciously.
"How is she?" I panted, my voice barely audible. Ginger placed a soothing hand onto my back, making me look up at her.
"The doctors are getting ready to take her to the delivery room. They say everything is perfectly fine." Good. That meant I still had the time to grab one of those green robes and a silly mask, put them on and be there for my friend, the way I'd promised to be. Nodding my head at Gabriel's protege, I made to leave, but she softly, yet firmly grabbed my elbow, keeping me still for a moment. "I'm sorry I couldn't stay with her. I just..." It was ok. Lila was my friend anyway. I was the one supposed to hold her hand through this, not my bodyguard.
"Don't worry about it." I waved my hand at her in a nonchalant manner, her grip of my arm immediately loosening up. "You've done more than enough, Ginger. I'm here now. You can go get some rest." Even as I said it, I knew that wasn't going to happen. From what I had guessed, Ginger's job was to keep a close eye on me at all time. And I mean, all the time. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without her knowing exactly where I was and what I was doing. The bastard had found the perfect way to control me, even from thousands of miles away.
"I'll be here, judge. If you need something, just let me know." I nodded my head at her again, giving her a grateful smile. In spite of the fact that I hated to have my every step monitored, it felt good to know I had somebody to protect me in case I needed it. And I knew that sooner or later I would need it.
Trying to ignore the image of a man lurking in the shadows of the court house's parking lot, I turned on my heels, hoping to God for Ginger not to have noticed the fear I knew to be etching on my face. "He's not ok." She mumbled all of a sudden, making me stop dead in my tracks. Knowing exactly what she was talking about, I slowly turned to look at her while trying to keep my composure. I needed more information than that and she knew it. "He's trying to move on, but he's not doing very well, you know." My teeth clenched to stop the pained moan that was threatening to escape me, all fear now replaced by longing. It was the first time Ginger had given me any kind of information about Gabriel without me having to push for it. Furthermore, it was the first time she admited that he was not ok. Tears stung my eyes.
"You need to be more specific than that." I said, my words a breathy whisper. I was torn. I wanted Gabriel to be alright. I'd asked him to go away because I wanted him to be alright. And yet, he wasn't.
"I know, but right now, you need to go to your friend." So that was why she'd chosen this exact moment to mention him. She'd known that she had to give me something at some point and what better moment than now, when I had to be there for Lila? That gave Ginger the time to think about what she should and shouldn't say to me. I knew for a fact that she was not supposed to give me any kind of information concerning Gabriel at all, so this little piece alone was more than I could've hoped for. Only now I needed more...
"Does he know?" And by that I'd meant to ask if he knew that I was digging for information about him on an almost daily basis. I knew that Ginger was still talking to him. Quite often, in fact. I just wondered if she'd told him about my constant struggled to get information about him out of her. A spark of understanding lit up her eyes.
"I haven't told him. He's screwed up enough as it is. Mathew's really worried." My heart broke a little more. The man I'd grown to love needed me and I needed him, but we were thousands of miles away from eachother. What the fuck was wrong with us? "You need to go to your friend. We'll talk later." Oh my God! Lila. I'd completely forgotten about her.
Not wasting another moment, I turned on my heels and started for the nurse waiting by her station. Nurse Millard, as I discovered her name to be, handed me a green robe and showed me to Lila's room. I found my friend lying on a hospital bed, pained moans escaping her every other minute, her breath harsh and shallow at the same time. I was already freaking out.
"Jules." She panted the moment her eyes landed on me. "I thought you wouldn't come." My breath hitched at her words. How could she believe such a thing?
"Don't be stupid, Lila. I said I would be here." Pulling one of the wooden chairs from the small table in the corner of the room next to my friend's bed, I sat down and took her hand in mine. She was burning up, a thin layer of cold sweat covering her heated skin. "Now, tell me. How close are the contractions?" Every single thing I'd read from that maternity book Lila had bought came back to my mind in a rush. I knew all the steps my friend had to follow for giving birth to her baby.
"Every four or five minutes I get another contraction. Jules, I'm freaking out." Oh, she had all the right to freak out. A baby boy I suspected would look just like his mother was about to pop out of her. I would've freaked out if I was her as well. Trying to control my trembling hands I took a deep breath. "Kevin has called a couple of hours ago. He asked if I needed anything." I was proud of my friend for finishing things up with the man she'd almost married. I was even happier that they'd stayed friends -ok, fine, aquintances. "Harvey still hasn't called." My friend whispered and I had to bite my lip to stop my stinging remark from rolling off my tongue. Of course he hadn't called. The tattooed gorilla had made it obvious that he wanted nothing to do with Lila or their baby. "Your father called, Jules. He said you're not answering his calls. He's worried." I hated the fact that he'd called Lila today. She had enough on her mind. My friend didn't need to worry about my relationship with my father as well.
As about me not answering his calls... We'd told eachother everything there was to be said. He didn't approve of my relationship with Gabriel -my former relationship with Gabriel, I mean- and I didn't have it in me to choose him over my murderer -as fucked up as it may sound. A bitter smile pulled at my lips. I thought I'd moved on. The moment the pain had become somewhat bearable I thought I'd forgotten about him. I couldn't have been more wrong...
Looking up at my friend's face, I squeezed her hand a little tighter.
"Stop thinking about my shit. You heard me, Lila? This day is all about you and your baby." My friend's eyes teared up and she opened her mouth to speak, but I silenced her. "Now shut up and breathe the way you're supposed to." Lila nodded, a greatful expression crossing her face.
For the next 15 hours my mind stayed completely focused on Lila and her beautiful 7 pounds baby boy who, indeed, looked just like her.
$$$
In spite of the fact that my friend kept her eyes closed, I knew she wasn't sleeping. Her uneven breathing was giving her away.
"Isn't he perfect?" She whispered, catching my attention and I knew she was talking about her little Joshua. I couldn't have agreed more. He was perfect. I nodded my head and my friend gently smiled. There was a new spark in her eyes and seeing it made me want to cry. Glancing at the little crib Joshy was peacefully sleeping in next to Lila's bed filled my heart with both joy and sadness -I couldn't tell exactly why. "It just feels like my life is begining all over again now that I have him. It's crazy. I've only seen him an hour ago and yet I feel like I love him more than anything in the world." Little Joshy let out a shrill cry and Lila immediatelly tried to stand and failed. Mildly shaking my head at my friend, I gave her a small smile. She might have wanted to soothe her baby boy but she was still too weak for any sudden movements.
I stood up in exchange, picking little Joshua up and starting to slowly rock him while Lifehouse started singing about walking between the raindrops in the background, because yes, that's what sort of a private clinic this was -with integrated speakers and huge flat screens hanging on the walls and even room service. Joshy visibly calmed down, his cries becoming a soft whimper.
"You're good." Lila mumbled from the bed and I couldn't help but give her a superior smirk. "Not to mention you look good when holding a baby." This time, a small laugh left my lips. I couldn't help thinking about the moment Gabriel had found Lila's pregnancy test at my place and almost freaked out thinking it was mine. I wished I could stop thinking about him.
Somebody cleared their throat behind me and both me and my friend turned our heads towards the door. Harvey was nervously twiddling his thumbs while moving from one foot to the other. The gorilla kept his eyes down, in an almost ashamed manner and I quickly glanced at my friend. Lila's eyes were tearing up all over again and I could tell exactly what she was thinking. I knew how important it was to my friend for her baby to have a father -unimportant of who that father was. Lila simply didn't seem to care about Harvey's job or appearence. It was her baby's dad and that was all that mattered to her.
"I'm sorry, but I had to come." The man mumbled from the door, not darring to step into the room. Lila cleared her throat as well and swiftly glanced at me.
"Jules, could you?..." She let her words drift, but I knew what she needed me to do. Slowly approaching her bed, I placed her son into her open arms and then headed for the door. She needed a moment alone with Harvey. I could understand that.
The moment I reached the exit, the bartender awkwardly moved away so that I could step out and finally gathered the guts to also step inside. I only stopped in front of the row of chairs Ginger was occupying, not taking my eyes away from the small window to Lila's room. Harvey had made his way to the bed and was now carefully watching his beautiful son. My heart broke a little -for my friend this time. I knew that the tattooed gorilla was going to hurt her again. He didn't want a family. He didn't want this baby. He was just not that type of man.
Ginger yawned and I quickly glanced at her. It had completely slipped my mind that she'd also spent the last 16 hours or so in the clinic, being there for me in case I needed her. I smiled at my bodyguard, feeling sorry for everything that I was putting her through. Gabriel had been one selfish motherfucker for leaving her behind to take care of me.
"How is she?" She softly mumbled, her eyes scanning my face.
"She's fine." I briefly answered while nodding my head and smiling at Ginger. I couldn't say more about my friend for now though. I didn't know for how much longer she was going to be fine, considering she was currently in the company of a man who I feared was going to let both my friend and little Joshy down.
"I'm glad to hear that." Standing up from her chair and stretching her muscles, Ginger then turned to look at me again. "Are you ready to go now?" Glancing back inside Lila's room, I noticed Harvey now holding little Joshua and my chest tightened with fear. What if he dropped him? What if the baby started crying and he didn't know what to do to soothe him? Ginger's eyes followed mine and she sighed. "I don't like him either, you know, but it is his baby." How could she know what I was thinking so well? I doubted Gabriel had the time to teach her how to read my mind -and he was supposed to be the only one able to do that.
"I know he's the baby's father, but that doesn't mean I'll pretend to like him." Ginger thoughtfully nodded.
"Come on! Let's say good bye to your friend. I'm taking you home." That made me laugh since her commading tone reminded me of my murderer again. And now I also knew why he'd chosen her to stay behind with me. She was just like him.
Standing up from my chair as well, I headed for Lila's room, trying to put on a smile. My friend didn't need to see me worried about her or the baby. Lila really wanted to believe that she and that bartender could somehow make it work for little Joshy and I was certainly not going to be the one to tell her differently. All I could do was be there for her when she needed me.
Catching my friend's eye, I waved my hand at her from the doorway, not wanting to intrude on their moment. Lila smiled brightly and waved her hand back at me, her eyes full of hope. It hurt like hell not to be able to share that hope of hers. Turning my back to her, I made my way down the hallway at Ginger's side and to the clinic's parking lot.
The headlights blinked the moment Gabe's protege unlocked the car and I headed towards our ride. Climbing into my red Mazda -that Ginger insisted she always drove- I let out a breath of realief. It was the time I went home and finally got the sleep I so much needed.
$$$
My apartment felt empty again since Gabriel's departure. Actually, everything had pretty much went back to the way things were before I'd even met him. It felt almost as if he'd never even existed.
Ginger followed me inside, her eyes burning schorching holes in the back of my head. She knew what I was thinking about. She always did. Turning toward her I forced my lips to form a smile.
"Spending the night here?" I asked, nodding my head towards the couch. Her spending the night at my place was not out of the ordinary anymore. Ginger had, in fact, become part of my life and I needed her to stay that way. She was the only person to remind me of Gabriel. I needed her in my life. My bodyguard nodded and I allowed myself to relax.
Going to the kitchen to look for something to drink, I was mortified to discover I was out of any kind of alcohol. Looking back at Gabe's protege, I gave her a questioning look. I didn't know how, but I just knew that she had something to do with it. Doing her best to look innocent -and failing- she took a seat onto my couch.
"Stop looking at me like that, judge." I huffed, not buying her faked innocence in the slightest. What the fuck had she done to all my drinks?
"Do you have any idea what happened to my wine?" She shrugged, but the guilt in her eyes was giving her away. I narrowed my own blues on my bodyguard.
"No idea." She sighed, her shoulders sagging. "Why are you asking? What happened to your wine?" Oh, she knew all too well what had happened to my wine, I was sure of that by now.
"It disappeared, but you already knew that, didn't you?" She shook her head in the most unconvincing manner ever.
"I had no idea. Look at the bright side, though. Now that you can't drink, you might start going out with people again. It's been seven months, judge. The way you live your life is not healthy. You need to start getting laid again." She'd said it so normally that her words took me aback for a moment. A small, harsh laugh left my lips the following second.
"I wish I could." I mumbled, a small part of my brain registering my words and wishing she hadn't heard them. What the fuck was I thinking? "Since he left, I even tried to take the matter into my own hands and even that was useless. My pleasure belongs to him, dammit!" And I couldn't believe I was still talking, making things worse. I wasn't even drunk, for fuck's sake. "I honestly doubt fucking another man would help me." There was a desperate edge to my voice that was killing me. I didn' t want her to think I was ruined by his absence, even though I was.
"Who said something about men?" Her question shocked the hell out of me. How had things even got to that? I'd never even thought about women that way. Not that there was any chance for me to find one willing to have sex with me even if by some miracle I changed sides.
"I sincerely doubt a woman would find me attractive enough as to sleep with me, even if I did consider the possibility of sleeping with one." I laughed, trying to make myself sound normal and uninhibited by our discussion while also hoping for a nice closer and a change of subject. Ginger smiled a sad smile.
"You have no idea..." She sighed, a smirk pulling at her lips this time. "I couldn't have been that subtle, could I?" Biting into my bottom lip, I swallowed hard, thinking about all the passionate, meaningful looks she'd given me throughout time. I should've known...
Pulling her cellphone out of her pocket, her fingers starting typing something, a bing announcing that the text had been sent. Ginger looked at me again, her green eyes full of simmering passion -a passion that didn't pass unnoticed this time.
"What do you want to eat? I could order some pizza, if that's ok with you." It took me a minute to nod. God! I really needed some rest. This day had been too much to handle, even by my own standards.
Taking a seat next to my bodyguard -yet careful to keep some space between us- I grabbed the remote control and turned the TV on. A rerun of Friends was just what I needed to remind me of my old life. My life before Gabriel, before the Mob and before I needed a bodyguard. Maybe now that Gabriel was gone, my life was going to turn back to the way it used to be. Maybe his departure was my new begining, the way little Joshy was Lila's. And maybe I really needed to stop thinking about him. It had been seven fucking months, for God's sake...