In a small room on the seventeenth floor of an abandoned building, a man is tied to a chair and is being beaten senseless for reasons unknown. "I guess this is the way I'm going to have to do it!" says the angry man then follows it with a right hook to the chin "I guess this is the only way your going to learn David!" he adds then follows that with a "Karate Kid" crane-kick to the chest. David bleeds from his nose and against his best efforts he cannot seem to open his eyes. "Fuck you Charlie" He babbled as blood dribbles from his mouth. He managed to open one eye for a brief moment and saw a goon in a three-piece-suit throw a ham sandwich across the room like a Frisbee.
Obviously he didn't have all his wits about him. He looked towards the window where he believed the ham sandwich came to rest and became entranced by the barking of a dog. Charlie slapped him out of it and did the unexpected. He confessed his love for David's sister Katherine's Pet ferret, then he simply yanked on the rope that bound David's hand's to the chair and revealed that it was the Great Vuala's, "magic rope". Charlie with an arrogance about him says "This rope comes undone with hardly any effort at all". He then handed David a note and made him promise to deliver it to Katherine. David nodded his head but never promised, then he left. Thinking the note was his Christmas bonus David stuffed it in his back pocket and started whistling to the tune of the Oscar Mayer Weiner commercial. As he walked down the street, David, still a bit dazed from his beating sees a piece of equipment in the middle of the parking lot. He couldn't focus enough to fully make out what it was so he walked over to it, mounted it, and tried to jump on it like a pogo-stick. Three seconds later the building across the street exploded with a demolition crew still inside. Three days later the note was destroyed in his pants pocket while in the washing machine. Three months later, nothing happens but four days after that, David was caught smoking a cigarette in the backyard by his wife Sally. David had Sally convinced he quit smoking three months ago. Sally hated the fact that David always came home with a busted lip and two black eyes, she was also tired of all the lies so she shot him dead.
Across town a man is interrogating another man and is startled by the sound of a gun shot. "March 3rd, 4Pm, WHERE...WE'RE...YOU!?" He notices in the bar mirror that his back was turned to the man he was shouting at. He turned around to hear "I have no comments for you spit mouth!" The interrogated man, Stanley Luncheon, attempts to leave. The interrogator, Willy, becomes agitated and says, "You do as you are told you little turkey fuck-nut!" Stanley's face dropped. He picked it up and in a low raspy voice said "You devil hemorrhoid! You rubber mallet!" ..... ENOUGH WITH THE NAME CALLING! Yells a man dressed in a carrot costume. He was leaning up against the bar with a celery-stick sticking out of his drink. He looked like the carrot version of James Bond. When Willy caught a glimpse of the carrot man he suddenly remembered the black Lamborghini triple-parked outside in a thunderstorm and thought "I must be dreaming". Willy then decided to make a dash for the door labeled "to roof". He ran up three flights then saw a door labeled "roof". He kicked the door open with both feet and ended up on his back.
He rested there a bit to catch his breath and to avoid embarrassment. Four hours later Willy was still on his back but now his legs were drenched and charred due to the rain and massive lightning bolts that poured down on them. Although he was clearly dead, Willy appeared to be taking it all in stride. Turns out he wasn't dreaming. He was in fact interrogating a very rude suspect in a sting operation at a costume convention. Willy was in an improv class studying to be a stage actor and this was all part of an exorcise. The Lamborghini that was triple parked outside was towed. It was Willy's. No one knows exactly what it was that made Willy crack but a copy of the 80's hit movie "Flash Dance" was found stuffed in his gym bag with a leotard and one leg warmer. The bag was found in a secret compartment in the trunk of his car. This bit of information offered no insight to the mysterious occurrences at the theater that night but was interesting enough to make the news.
That very same night, a couple of yards from the news van a young manicured metrosexual male cried out to a girl sporting a handlebar mustache, "What sense would anything make if we were not together!?". The girl had no response. She also had no expression on her face. This was strange and equally as rude as the two were no less than an inch from each others face. As the boy yelled obscenities in a made up language he inadvertently spat out a hunk of meat from his mouth into the girls teeth. She just sucked her teeth and swallowed, then walked away.
She knew no one would miss her, or the meat for that matter, so she walked until she fell asleep standing up.
The following morning the sound of a old beat-up pick-up-truck beeping the horn awoke her. She was already standing and the instincts of a drifter kicked in. With no hesitation, she flung her thumb into the wind to hail the truck, but the truck was already stopped and parked right next to her. The driver was a man named Ted.
Ted seemed drunk, he was missing all his teeth and he had a snot bubble in his left nostril that kept inflating and deflating as he spoke. What the hell are you doing way the hell out here in nowhere land little lady? Looks like the desert took a toll on you. Are you ok? I'm just fine sir, she replied, and the name is Elma by the way. She wasn't quite sure if this man genuinely wanted to help her or if he wanted something ells. The meat perhaps. Elma was so afraid she farted, then thought to herself "don't get in the fucking truck Elma" she then crossed her fingers, jumped right in and locked the door anyway. She also thought it was necessary to burp out the word howdy once in the truck. This confused Ted as he never said "get in". She then proceeded to drink from a bottle labeled "Ted's Piss" and asked if he had any mustache glue. He said "no", but she didn't believe a word of it and kindly asked him to stop the truck. Ted replied "I haven't even moved an inch since you got in". Elma smiled and concurred. She then regurgitated the meat and placed it on Ted's shoulder as if to say "good luck" then jumped out and yelled "thanks for last night!" then did the moon-walk back towards town. As Ted sped off he yelled "you drank my piss!". Elma stopped and pointed to the sky for an uncomfortable 12 seconds, then puked. This sent a chills down Gayden Backwash's spine. Elma pointed directly at his eye-ball. Gayden was watching Elma from a powerful super telescope that he invented in his basement billions of galaxies away on a planet called Sucktron. He pulled away from the telescope and slapped it.
Gayden was a great thinker, a deep man if you will. He was well on his way to proving that one day man would no longer have to use his legs in a potato sack race. He also had a dream to connect our worlds threw "Virtual Tunnels". A virtual tunnel was a machine that would allow everyone to travel to distant planets without leaving the safety of their own homes. On Earth we call this "the Internet". Gayden's dream came to a sudden end after reveling his plans to the public in a live speech. He went on to speak about new innovative inventions that would contribute to the exploration of space and the discovery of other life forms. He was arrested for soliciting. Apparently even if you've booked an arena to speak in and everyone knows what the topic is, it could sometimes be considered soliciting on Gayden's planet, as (in this case)it was an attempt to sell an idea. Soliciting was punished by immediate execution. Gayden was arrested and executed within the hour. What ells would you expect from a planet called Sucktron?
I pondered the relevance of it all for about fourteen seconds then lost my train of thought when seven men wearing leather jackets walked down the hallway of my apartment building all nodding their heads in sequence. At first I thought they were a group of pigeons but quickly dismissed that notion. Why would pigeons be in a hallway, and why would they be wearing leather? Another thing that struck me as odd is that I don't live in an apartment building. This was the kind of thing me and my doctor were trying to get to the bottom of. I left his office about an hour ago. He suggested that maybe a gastroenterologist was not the right kind of doctor to talk to. I thought he was just being modest so I asked him to indulge me for a moment. I then asked him what the hell "indulge" meant. As questions poured out of my mouth like vomit, I couldn't help but feel like I was in a Morees Catour play. "Indulge me for a moment, Claire", "What in the hell does indulge mean, Bob?"
So went the opening lines of Morees Catour's play, "Satisfiction". The play was about a man who lives in an imaginary world, knows it, and is satisfied. The last few lines of the play go on to say that he found pleasure even in his day dreams and lived a full and happy life. I would much rather it ended with "He was found hunched over a bowl of soup with two bullets in the back of his head and another fourteen in his back", but that is why Morees Catour is the happy mans playwright and I am not. Every story I tell tend to end tragically. Tragically and somewhat puzzling like "The Case of the Found Misplaced Item".
Pixie Coffey was his name and finding lost items was his game. At least that was his catch fraise. Pixie Coffey was a self proclaimed cut and paste specialist and an avid lost and found generalist. He spent most of his days preparing for the annual Easter egg hunt and on his off time he wrote short stories while simultaneously teaching his African Grey to read them out loud in an Irish accent. One day out of the clear blue Pixie died of a sudden aneurism. Seventeen days later his African Grey starved to death. By this time Easter had come and gone and the towns people were at a loss as to what to do about the smell of rotten eggs. Pixie was missed but it never dawned on anyone to look for him. Then End.
Again, this is why I am not the happy man's playwright.