Gerard's POV
I slammed my fist against my locker in frustration, causing the aging lock to bounce in a manner that seemed mocking to my eyes. Frank was meeting me here any minute, and of course, I couldn't get my fucking locker open for the millionth time, which would inevitably make me late to class - again - which I really didn't mind, but Frank would also be tardy by association, because knowing him, he wouldn't leave my side until I successfully got this piece of shit to relinquish its hold on my stuff.
As I squeezed my eyes shut in agitation, I felt a pair of hands land on my shoulders, and for one second, I leaned into them, thinking that Frank had already made it back to my side, even though we had barely parted ways less than a minute ago, but then I realized that the person standing behind me was much taller than Frank, causing me to spin around rapidly as I tried to ascertain who was touching me.
"Jonathan?" I gasped, slightly surprised to see the boy, especially after I thought I had made it perfectly clear that I wanted nothing to do with him after his inappropriate texts.
"Hey - you look stressed, maybe I can help you with that?" Jonathan smirked, his hands still on my shoulders, making me shudder uncomfortably. I may have been desperate for physical attention, but after I had gotten myself off to Jonathan's words, I had felt dirty, and I knew that I would never be able to do anything with someone else that wasn't Frank, and the shivery feeling that was breaking out everywhere that Jonathan was touching me only reinforced my previous decision.
"I thought I told you to stop - I have a boyfriend, and I don't want you, so please, leave me the fuck alone," I snapped, shaking myself violently to dislodge Jonathan's wandering hands.
"Well yeah...but that was just through a text, and maybe your boyfriend was right there, maybe you were just lying to me to save you ass, because I know you want me," Jonathan pressed, his palms coming up to my chest, pushing me back against the locker in a manner I found slightly threatening.
"Please - go away," I choked out, an unfamiliar sensation causing my throat to tighten up and my body to shake nervously.
I never thought I would say this, but I was slightly afraid in this moment. In the past, I had always been the pursuer, and even though numerous people had obviously wanted me, I usually went for the quiet guys, the shy ones who waited for me to make the first move, so this experience was entirely new, and I hated it.
Jonathan was just so damn persistent, and I didn't know what to do in this situation; half of my brain was screaming at me to shove him away and storm off before this escalated any further, but the other half of me was paralyzed. I wasn't used to feeling helpless against someone else's advances, I was always in control, ever since Bert, and honestly - I was terrified, making it impossible for me to do anything besides for clench my fists and breath heavily through my nose.
"Nah - why would I do that when I can see how much I'm affecting you, you know you don't want me to leave," Jonathan cooed in a sickening manner, mistaking my panic for lust like the asshole he was.
Jonathan's hands continued to rove over my body, one slinking toward my waist as the other traced random patterns on my chest through my thin t-shirt. His touch made my skin crawl, and I actually felt like I might be sick at any moment.
"Please stop - I don't want this," I whined, trying to fight through my rising terror so I could retake control of this situation, but before I had a chance to do anything else, all hell broke loose.
Jonathan was suddenly shoved away from me, allowing me to finally breathe normally once his touch was removed from my body, but as soon as I saw who had saved me, all the newly acquired oxygen in my lungs rushed out just as quickly as I had inhaled it.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Frank cried, the devastated expression on his face causing a literally flare of pain to explode in my chest. "Is this what happens when I'm not around you? You let guys feel you up?!" Frank screamed, shoving me back against the locker door with more force than I had been expecting, my head hitting the cold metal with a painful bang.
"No, Frank listen," I tried to explain, holding up my hands in a peaceful gesture, but Frank was furious now, the earlier hurt replaced by anger, and he was in no mood to hear me talk.
"No! No, I understand now. Sex, it's all you think about. It's all you fucking know! You can't wait until I'm ready. It's all about you, it's all about what you want. Fuck you!" Frank's voice cracked at the end, the hurt underneath his spiteful tone breaking me apart into a million pieces as I tried to interject, but as soon as Frank was finished yelling, he spun on his heel and stormed away, leaving me shell shocked and broken as I watched the boy I loved turn his back on me.
I wanted to chase after him, I wanted to tell Frank what had really happened, but he was furious right now, and I didn't blame him. From his point of view, that had look bad - really fucking bad, and I didn't blame him for his reaction, I just hated the fact that, for once, I hadn't done anything wrong, but Frank had assumed that I had because of my fucking reputation.
Frank always said my past didn't matter to him, and I thought he meant it, but actions spoke louder than words, and Frank obviously wasn't as comfortable with what I had done before I met him as he said. Frank had every right to be angry, but he needed to hear my side, he needed to understand that I would never cheat on him, and that this had all been one huge misunderstanding.
Just when I had finally found the strength to move, my path was blocked by none other than Jonathan. "So...you probably don't have a boyfriend now, want to take me up on that offer?" Jonathan asked, causing my eyebrows to climb into my hairline with disbelief.
"Are - are you fucking kidding me?" I chuckled wryly, my voice that had failed me earlier finally retuning now that Jonathan was no longer touching me. "I don't want you, I never did, and I never will, and if I ever see you again, I won't hesitate to beat the shit out of you," I growled, my hands bawling into fists as I advanced on Jonathan menacingly. I wasn't usually a violent person, but Jonathan had just ripped the foundations of my world out from under me, and I was filled with a fury unlike any I had ever felt before.
"Okay - fuck, calm down, I'll just go find someone else, you aren't even that good looking," Jonathan spat, but his insult rolled off me like water on oil. I didn't give a shit what this asshole thought of me, all I cared about was Frank's opinion.
"Good," I huffed, shoving past Jonathan roughly as I heading down the now mostly deserted hallway, determined to find Frank and make everything right.
My plan didn't work out as well as I had hoped though; Frank was already in his math class by the time I extricated myself from Jonathan, and no matter how many times I texted him, or tried to get his attention through the small window set in the door when his teacher wasn't looking, Frank studiously ignored me, and after twenty minutes, I admitted defeat, sneaking outside to my usual smoking spot before any teachers caught me in the halls when I should have been in class.
As soon as I sunk down against the scratchy grass, everything that had happened hit me all at once, and I realized that I might have lost Frank forever. He didn't have to accept my apology, he didn't even have to listen to me if he didn't want to, but I couldn't deal with that, I couldn't even imagine living without Frank anymore, no matter the fact that we hadn't been together that long.
I loved Frank - I really did, and even though I hadn't told him that yet, it didn't make it any less true, but now what we had was ruined, all because of Jonathan, and I wasn't sure if Frank would let me glue the pieces of our relationship back together or not.
I pulled out a cigarette, attempting to light it, but my hands shook erratically, and I couldn't get my lighter to function properly. Throwing the piece of plastic in frustration, I buried my face in my knees, trying to fight back the sobs that were clogging my throat.
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I knocked on the door to Frank's house nervously, my palms sweating even though it wasn't that warm outside. School had been let out for a few hours now, but it had taken me quite some time to work up the courage to head over to Frank's place, and I had been hoping that he would have texted me back eventually once he had cooled down, but that hadn't happened.
It seemed as if I waited for hours before someone answered the door, but it was probably only a few minutes, my nerves making time slow down to a snail's pace as I tried to run over what I wanted to say to Frank in my mind, my internal monologue only being broken by the appearance of Frank's mother.
"Hey Gerard, are you here for Frank?" Mrs. Iero asked, her cheerful expression falling when she took in my appearance. I hadn't attempted to clean myself up after my sobbing fest behind the school, so I was sure I looked a mess, my tear stained face and fucked up hair instantly projecting my distress.
"Um...yeah," I mumbled softly, staring down at my scuffed up converse so I didn't have to meet her worried gaze.
"Well, he went down to the park about thirty minutes ago."
"Oh, okay, I will check there," I sighed heavily, my heart sinking into my knees as I tried to hide my disappointment at Frank not being home.
"Gerard...are you okay honey?" Mrs. Iero asked warily, her eyes holding a look of concern that made me uncomfortable.
"Yeah - I'm fine, I'm just going to go find Frank," I spat out in a rush, backing off the porch quickly before turning in the direction of the park. I appreciated Mrs. Iero concern, but I wasn't used to having other people asking how I was, and I didn't want to break down crying in front of Frank's mother.
Luckily for me, the park was only a five minute walk away, and before I knew it, the rusted swing set and slide came into view, as well as a few small children running around and screaming happily, but even more importantly, Frank was there, his small frame almost hidden in the shadows dusting the bench he was seated at, but my eyes were instantly drawn to him, as if I could sense his presence without needing to be told where he was.
Frank was looking down at his lap, his hands twisted together so tightly I'm sure they hurt, and as I watched, a few tears fell down his cheeks, his body shuddering slightly as he cried. I hated seeing Frank like this, but even more than that, I hated that I was the cause of his sorrow, and I needed to make him smile again.
"Hey Frank," I whispered softly as I approached, his head snapping up as I settled myself down next to him.
"What are you doing here?" Frank tried to snap, but his defeated tone of voice ruined the effect.
"I - we, I want to talk about this Frank...it wasn't what it looked like, I swear, and I know you have no reason to believe me, but Jonathan came on to me. I told him to stop, but he wouldn't listen...I - I would never cheat on you Frank, ever."
"But...why were you letting him touch you, why didn't you say something, or push him off?" Frank scoffed, his face turning away from me as more tears slipped out of his eyes.
"I did Frank - I swear, but he wouldn't take no for an answer, and I froze up...I don't know why, but I was so afraid, and I couldn't move, or breathe, but once you left, I told him to never speak to me again, and I think he finally got the message."
"Finally? How long has this been going on?" Frank questioned nervously, and I realized that I should have told Frank about Jonathan the first time he propositioned me, but it was too late to go back and fix my past mistakes.
"Not long...he approached me a few days ago, saying he wanted me, but I told him I had a boyfriend. I thought everything was okay, but he texted me...and I told him no again, but then he ambushed me today, and I'm so sorry Frank, I wasn't trying to hide anything from you, but I was so afraid you would panic and leave me..." I choked out, my eyes burning with unshed tears as I waited for Frank to respond to me.
"So...you two never did anything - not even kissed?" Frank questioned after a long moment of silence.
"No - nothing, I swear. I would never cheat on you Frank...I - I love you." My hands clasped over my mouth as the words tumbled from my lips. I hadn't meant to tell Frank this way, especially not when he was so upset, but it had happened, and I didn't regret it, even though the fear of rejection was swallowing me up whole.
"I-" Frank gasped, his eye going wide as he turned to me once again. "Gerard...you don't, I know you don't, so please don't lie to me."
"What - I'm not lying Frank! I love you, so fucking much. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I was scared...I - I haven't said that to anyone in a long time, but I mean it, I mean it with all my heart," I begged, putting as much passion into my words as I could, desperately trying to make Frank believe me.
"Gerard - stop, please just stop this. I know you care about me, and I care about you too - a hell of a lot, but we are both lying to ourselves here. This -" Frank gestured with his hands, pointing at the both of us, "this relationship we have was doomed from the start. I thought that we could work, I naively told myself that maybe I could be with someone like you, but I can't, and this isn't fair to either of us."
"What do you mean? Frank, please give me another chance, I promise nothing will happen again, I didn't do anything with Jonathan, and I will tell you the next time anyone comes onto me - hell, I'll make out with you in front of them until they get the point. Please Frank - I love you," I babbled, my hands clasping Frank's in my own, but he pulled away softly, causing a harsh sob to escape my throat.
"Gerard - it's not Jonathan, not really anyway. I believe you when you say you didn't cheat, and yes - I wish you had told me about him earlier, but that's not the main problem here."
"It's me isn't it...my reputation - my past," I choked out.
"No - I told you before that I don't give a shit about that, and that hasn't changed, but it's - it's just..." Frank sighed heavily, a few more tears falling down his cheeks before he was composed enough to speak again. "It's me, and it's you, we just aren't compatible, and I'm already falling for you hard, so I need to end this before I get hurt even more.
"I don't understand..."
"I thought I was ready to be with someone like you Gerard, I thought I wanted a real relationship, with sex, but I'm not, and I probably won't be for a long time, but you are. I'm not saying you are a whore, or you need sex, but I'm slowly starting to understand that sex means love to you, you need that physical act to believe that someone cares about you, but I just can't do that, and I know it's making you unhappy, I can see that, and I don't want to drag you down anymore," Frank admitted softly, his eyes dancing everywhere but me as he spoke.
"Frank - that's not true...I mean, yes, I love sex, but it's not everything to me. I love you already, and we haven't done anything sexual at all," I argued, trying to fight to save my relationship with Frank, even though I could tell by the look in his eye that he wasn't going to budge.
"Would you please stop saying you love me?" Frank snapped, catching me off guard with his harsh tone.
"But - but I do..." I protested weakly.
"No...you are just saying that to win me back, and it's not going to work okay? I know you didn't cheat this time, but I'm always going to worried about it, I'm always going to be nervous that you want something more when we make out, and I hate turning you down, I hate fighting with you over sex, I hate staying up late at night wondering how long you will make it until you break down and fuck someone else, so it would be better just to end this so we can go find people we are more compatible with."
"No - Frank, please...I don't want anyone else, I need you, please don't do this to me," I wailed, my heart splitting in two as Frank stood up from the bench with a tired sigh.
"I'm sorry Gerard, I care about you, I really do, but this wasn't meant to be...and I - I have to go. I'll see you at school I guess," Frank sniffled before taking off at a quick pace, leaving me once again absolutely stunned and broken.
Even though I wanted to chase after Frank, I knew his mind was made up, and I would only piss him off if I trailed behind him like a lost puppy, begging him to take me back. I didn't think my legs could support me right now anyway, I would probably collapse the second I attempted to stand up.
Frank was wrong though, no matter how convinced he was that he had done the right thing. Yes - I wanted to have sex with Frank, but I was planning on waiting for him as long as it took - hell, I would have stayed abstinent forever as long as I could call him mine. Frank didn't understand how important he was to me, how each kiss was more pleasurable than some of the sex I had partaken in, and he hadn't given me the chance to explain to him how I felt before leaving me behind like unwanted trash.
I just couldn't believe this was happening, I was almost numb as I tried to process that Frank had actually dumped me, even though I ached everywhere at the same time, and a steady stream of tears were quickly dampening my face. I was breathing heavily, making a scene in the park, but I couldn't move just yet, and hopefully no one would notice the crying teenager on the bench.
This wasn't supposed to turn out this way, Frank was supposed to forgive me, and everything was going to go back to the way it was. I hadn't truly allowed myself to believe that Frank wouldn't give me another chance, and now that it had happened, I was trying to hide in denial so the knowledge that Frank was no longer mine didn't have the power to hurt me.
Fuck - I needed him, and I wasn't lying when I said I loved him, but he thought I was, and I had no idea how I could make him see the truth.
This was like Bert all over again in a way, and really - I should have learned my lesson from last time. Whenever I got feelings for someone, they left me, and even though Frank was nothing like Bert, the pain I was in right now still felt the same, I was destroyed, heartbroken, in absolute agony, and the only person who could fix me was walking away without a backward glance.
Yay I managed to knock out my chapter, I was having trouble with this one, but Skylar helped me out, so here you guys go.
This chapter sort of hurt me to write, I don't like making my babies sad, but it had to happen.
As always, thank you guys for all the votes and comments. It means the world to us.
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