Trust is hard to earn
Easy to take
Maybe we forgot
That it may all be fake
Get back on your feet
Show them, let them see
How much you mean to me
C H A P T E R 27
Hey.
'Hey!' Lilly and Emma chorused, Lilly her normal crazy self, Emma just bubbly from her date the previous night with James. Jess, James, Josh, Sam, and Daniel were all on the other side of the table discussing the football results from the previous night. It was lunch, but Emma had had a retake of a test at break and had made Lilly promise not to tell me until she was there.
Ooh! How did it go? Where did he take you, Em?
'Oh! I know this one!' That was Lilly, piping up.
'Shush up, Lils! I want to tell her!'
'Right, sorry, lovey...'
Well?
'He took me to the planetarium!'
Oh my God! I didn't know he had it in him to be so cliché!
'I know! It was amazing, cliché, but amazing, we had a romantic meal under the stars!'
'Yeah, well-' Lilly was about to interrupt, but there was a sudden buzz from the speaker system in the canteen. It squeaked, and then made a horrid noise like nails down a black board. I covered my ears until it stopped. It was silent for a few seconds before people started whispering.
What’s going on?
'No freaking idea!' Lilly replied, the she screamed over to the girl at the sound system: 'Hey, what the hell's going on?' Everyone was suddenly quiet. The girl turned around and I realized it was Chelsea. 'You'll see...' She winked at me then, and I got a strange sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
And then sound came from the speakers. It was too loud at first, but she turned it down, and I knew exactly what it was.
'Jess?'
'Yeah?'
'I was pregnant.'
It was a recording from that night in the forest with Jess, the night I had told him about Liam, and the pregnancy.
I sat there, listening as a single tear slipped from my eye.
'I was raped.'
'Raped?'
'Yeah, by Levi's brother, Liam.'
Another tear fell, then another.
'And then the police came, and it was all such a muddle, and I felt so dirty... '
I stared harder at my lap, willing everyone to look away, willing this to be a horrid dream.
'Oh, Jess, there was blood, so much fucking blood!'
I heard my self sobbing, heard it muffle as Jess held me. I heard myself tell him everything.
‘I don't know, it's stupid, but that kid, that thing in my stomach, it meant the world to me. My unborn child and Levi, they were they only people that mattered anymore.'
I could feel their gazes on my back, practically see Lilly sitting opened mouthed, though I wasn't looking at her.
' I don't think I was strong, or stable enough to have a kid, I mean, I still cut, my Dad beat me up, and when Lev died I went a little loopy, so how in heavens name would I have coped with a child?'
And then it ended, faded into my sobs, until the recording was stopped.
I sat there, frozen in my seat, detached, broken, as it played, as people heard me speak, learnt all my secrets, learnt about my old life, about my rape, about my dead boyfriend and his psycho brother. I just sat there, my eyes glazed. I tried to make my self look un feeling, hard, cold. It didn't work, and I could feel my shell breaking around me.
Chelsea stood on a nearby table, as it ended, and then she started to talk.
'So now you know! Our very own mute cantalk! Not only that, but she has a few rather dirty little secrets...' She said, smiling. Everyone turned to look at me. I looked down at my lap, closed my eyes, let tears slip from behind my eye lids. They'd heard it all, my inner most feelings, about the baby, my dad, my old life, and my memories.
I stood, picked up my bag, slung it over my shoulder, and ran out, running between the tables, ignoring the shouts from Jesse, and Lilly, and Sam, ignoring Josh trying to pull on my sleeve and get me to stop, or wait. I ignored their stares as I dodged and swerved between the tables and out of the door into the teachers car park.
I ran, just like I always did, out of school, over the other side, to the forest where I first met Josh. I carried on running deeper and deeper into the trees until I heard the cracking of twigs behind me. I ran faster, pumping my legs to go the fastest they could. Then I sat at the base of an old tree, once I was sure no one could be following me anymore, and I cried.
I sat there for a while, I'm not sure how long, I lost track of the time, but it began to get dark and colder, and I wrapped my blazer tighter around my self, the cold finally getting to me.
Jess found me after a while. He didn't say anything, he just picked me up, and let me cry into his shirt, and then he carried me back part way through the woods, till I could stand, and we got out just out side of school, and bundled me into a car, Sarah in the front seat.
I ripped a piece of paper out of one of my school note books.
What do I do?
'I-'
Write it, I don't want your mum to know we're talking.
He took the paper, and wrote: You don't have to do anything tonight, but tomorrow you and mum and me will go for a meeting with the head. You don't have to talk to them if you don't want, I mean they won't force you.
I smiled. Okay. What time is it?
Four.
Oh. What happened after I left?
Nearly the whole student body got mad at Chelsea. They may talk about you, but they are just curious, and they all thought it was bang out of order what she did. Started throwing insults at her, and Lilly had her had a catfight. Still, I'm pretty sure they'll talk a little more than before, you know, about you and your... situation.
I know. At least Chelsea got a hiding.
The evening came and went, Sarah spoiled me silly, and didn't ask a thing, which I was glad about. Jess sat with me in my room, while Sarah was cooking dinner, and we talked for a while, about everything. Chelsea got in big trouble, with the school, and they nearly involved the police for victim harassment, but Jess persuaded them not to because he knew it'd just cause more trouble, and I wouldn't want that. He had words with Chelsea, and she'd stopped being quite so obsessive. But through all this, though the school might be being supportive now, I could just imagine what people were saying about me, imagine the stares, and whispers, the questions. I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it.
The morning came quickly. Sarah drove us to school, and as we walked in the gates, people stared and whispered just like I'd expected. I tried to ignore them, and followed Sarah to the heads office.
We were sat outside by the secretary, on those padded seats you get in waiting rooms. It was like he wanted to be late just to help us get more nervous. Jess started to bite his nails at one point but Sarah slapped his hands away from his mouth.
'I thought you stopped that?'
'Sorry, Mum.'
'You know, no girl is going to like you with nails like that.'
'I only care about one...' He muttered.
'What?' Sarah asked.
'Nothing, Mum, sorry.'
Just then the head came out of his office.
'Ms Jacobs?'
'Yes, that’s me.' Said Sarah, sucking in a breath. Then she took a step into the office. 'Come on, lets get this over with.'
He sat behind his desk, and the three of us on the other side, Sarah in the middle, Jess and me either side of her. Jess and I looked down into our laps, but Sarah was in business mode.
'So,' said the head master, 'Yesterday, a student played a recording of Miss... er... Kat. Now Kat is what we call a selective mute, I think we knew that all along, but what we didn't know, was that she was, in fact talking to a certain Mr Jacobs...'
'Indeed, head master.'
'Now, we do have two things we need to discuss, first of all, the student who played this recording will be suspended for three days, and will get a month of after school detentions. However, this recording had some extremely disturbing content. Now, most of the school, and many members of staff heard it, but we need to check all the same. So I'm going to ask you a few questions, okay?'
I nodded. It was like he was trying to rub the amount of people that saw it in my face. Jess gave me a reassuring look from across the room.
'First of all, were you, in fact, raped?'
I nodded slowly.
'Okay, I won't ask for more details as we got plenty from the tape, and they may be upsetting to go over. If ever you feel distressed by one of my questions please tell us. We need to handle this incident with a lot of due care and understanding. Now shall we proceed?'
I nodded again, ignoring Sarah. All this information would be new to her as she hadn't heard the tape.
'Were you abused by your father?'
I nodded again.
'Verbally, physically or both?'
I looked at Jess for him to answer.
'Both.' He said.
'Is this right?'
I nodded again.
'Okay, let us proceed. Who is Levi?'
I looked at Jesse again. 'Her boyfriend.'
'You have a boyfriend?' Asked Sarah, suddenly.
I shook my head, and looked down at my hands, willing the tears not to spill over.
'Had, Mum, not anymore.'
'Why?'
'He... died.'
There was a small silence, then:
'Yes, I gathered from the tape. Was it his brother that raped and stalked you?'
I nodded .
'And you were pregnant with his brothers' baby, at the age of fifteen, due to rape.'
I nodded again.
'Okay, and one last thing, did you have a miscarriage due to a beating your father inflicted on your stomach?'
I nodded, digging my nails into the arms of my chair.
'Okay, that is all. I believe this is the first you have heard of this Ms Jacobs?'
'Yes.'
'I will give you time to let it set in, then. But we do need to talk about whether it would be possible to get Kat to speak.'
I shook my head quickly, looking at Jesse, panicked.
'Okay, I can see you don't want to, but if ever you feel the need...'
I nodded quickly, and he sighed.
'You may go, Jesse, Kat. I will speak with your mother for a short time.'
We left, and Jesse gave me a hug. I smiled thanks, and then we went our separate ways, to second period.
The day passed slowly, stares and whispers followed me where ever I went, which was normal for me, but what I wasn't used to were all the sympathetic looks and smiles I received. By lunch I didn't bother to look around, I just looked forward and at my feet.
I sat where I usually did, but I was worried about my friends’ reactions.
Jesse came and sat at the same time as me, and he squeezed my hand under the table as we waited for the others to arrive. Lilly and Emma came out of French together, talking in hushed tones, and when they saw me Lilly engulfed me in a hug and Emma did too.
‘Why didn’t you tell us?’
I didn’t tell anyone, only Jess. I only just remembered and I didn’t want to think about it. Besides, you would have looked at me differently.
‘No, we wouldn’t!’
You do.
‘We-‘ Lilly cut herself off. ‘I’m sorry. We don’t mean to. It was horrible what happened, but I get it.’
‘Yeah, I do too. You just want to get over it, right?’ Emma piped up.
I nodded.
‘Okay, I’ll try not to act any differently.’ Said Em.
‘Me too.’ Lilly said.
I smiled slightly. But the rest of the school… They are all spreading rumors, talking about me, giving me sympathetic looks. I hate it.
‘Who cares what they think?’
I smiled again.
Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.