It was late at night, when I heard it
Your feet that flew,
More silent than bird’s wings
Your eyes that slew
Any errant thought, won't you take
Away my blues
Take off your flying shoes
Crouch by the window
And free fall
Let it all
Out
C H A P T E R 13
School. They said I should go to school. That it might help with the dreams. The dreams they still knew nothing about though I think Jesse might have guessed. I didn't know how I felt about it. I had already taken such a big step in going to the village, and now, I would have to face hundreds of curious glances, of rumors, and of Chelsea wannabes. I'd have to face the entire teen population of all the villages in a three mile radius.
But all the same, I wanted to go, kind of. I wanted to learn, to be able to build myself a future, if I could. I wanted friends, helpers, and more than anything, a life. A reasonably normal teen life: parties, friends, the Shopping Center. But not boys. No boys, means no love. Except Jesse, I couldn't stay away from him. Which was exactly my problem. He was the one I needed to stay away from most.
I went to school the first time a few weeks later, nervous as hell. I barely got any sleep the night before, I remember, there were too many dreams, too many memories, and my worrying didn't help anything. Sarah woke me at seven thirty that first day, same time as Jesse. I was lucky; the school was nearby, just a little outside of Little Wonsworth. Lots of other students must have had to wake up at five in the morning or something else crazy.
Any way, they woke me up, and I got up, and put on my new uniform, or rather old uniform: it was second hand. But I didn't mind much. I rolled up my skirt a little, but not too high, a little above the knee, because it was way too big and long, and made me look like a granny otherwise. Sarah said she'd hem it for me later but hadn't yet. It was navey, and so was my jumper, blazer and tie. The shirt was white, and missing a few buttons. A little too small too, tight fitting, and the sleeves looked three quarter length. Still, I managed to look vaguely presentable. I put on my blazer, and picked up my bag from the table. I swung it over my shoulder and looked in the mirror. I felt so stupid, but there was nothing I could do about the uniform, so I sucked it up.
My bag was the only the only thing I liked, because we could have whatever bag we wanted, so it was the only way I could show who I was. It was originally black but I had tipexed on words and lines from poetry I'd written, and even managed to draw a few things in tipex though they weren't very good.
The journey was tiring, Jesse and I had to walk, and it was quite a long way. Down the mud track from the house to the village, through the heather and gauze bushes growing in nearby fields, and on the hills we had to walk over. We walked through the village, out the other side until the houses started thinning out. Then we climbed over the style and into the forest. Anyone else would have lost track of where we were from the number of paths we took and directions we turned, but I knew exactly where we were, because I knew the forest like the back of my hand. We came out of the forest and onto a patch of grass land and I could see a building in the distance, that looked like the school. We came off the grass and onto the main road by the side just as a car went passed. It started to rain near the end of the journey, and so we ran the rest of the way umbrellas in hand.
It was funny, but neither of us spoke throughout the entire journey, but it wasn't awkward. In a way it was nice, comforting almost. Familiar. I liked that. We approached the building, which was surprisingly large. The main building was old, had an eighteenth century clock tower and was red brick, but the blocks behind it were more modern. As I looked behind the school, I saw that we were now in the outskirts of St Helena's, the village next to us.
Jesse looked at me then took me by the arm and led me through the front gate. I could feel the people staring at me, their gazes burning into my back. I heard the whispers too. It's her, they said, she's the mental one, the one they found in the woods... I wonder who she is... I heard she couldn't talk... She should get out of here... She's not welcome... I heard she's going out with Jesse Jacobs... Aren't they, like, brother and sister... Ew...
But I ignored them, pretended I couldn't hear their snide comments and glares as Jesse led me to the main office. I kept my head down, my hair a curtain, watching only my feet, concentrating on putting one in front of the other. I was like a blinkered horse. Only looking straight ahead.
The office was small, and I knocked and stepped inside Jesse only a step or two behind.
'I'll talk for you, it will be easier...' He said.
'They'll give you a schedule, and a pass, you know for the register and so they don't ask you questions in class that you can't answer, 'cause of, you know-'
He stopped talking as I held up my hand. I dug out my whiteboard.
I want to answer questions. I don't want to be different. I can write on my board.
'Okay... If you really want that fine, I mean I guess I can understand... But you'll need to talk to the staff about that... And you'll still need a pass for the register...'
Fine... I wrote.
I knocked on the door, and a woman answered.
'Hello, Jesse, and... Ahh, you must be the new girl... Um... Kat is it? Just Kat... No second name, a little odd. That's why I remember you... Here's your schedule, you are in the same form class as Jesse here so he'll show you the way but for set classes you are in the bottom groups so you can take it easy, there's no pressure.' I was out raged.
I don't care about pressure. Just because I can't speak doesn't make me any less clever. Please, just let me do a few tests and I may still be in the same groups but I want to know it's because I couldn't do any better.
'I... Fine... Your teachers will monitor your progress and you will be put in those classes... Um, you should go or you'll be late, the both of you...'
We left, Jesse guiding me up some old wooden stairs, then some newer ones until we reached the top floor.
'Sorry about her,' he said. 'Mrs. Humphreys doesn't know what she's talking about. All she's heard is rumors, and as many of the women around here do, she likes to gossip. Anyway, come on, you can meet Miss Hughes now. She's really nice, I'm sure you'll like her. And Sam, and Lilly are in this class too, James is in Mr. Murphy’s form, 'eleven Y'. We are in 'U'. Come on, in we go. I know you'll love Lilly... You two are so alike.' He was babbling now. I smiled and put a finger on his lips.
Then I left him standing in the corridor a moment while I opened the door to the class room, him hastily following.
The class room was light, sun light streaming in the windows, so the dust particles in the air were visible. It was lighter than I thought it would be, considering the recent rain.
There were about twenty people already there, sitting on desks, or standing, leaning on the walls. Some were talking, a few reading, others just sitting looking bored, well, until they saw me. I waited for Jesse as I headed to the back of the room, trying to ignore people’s stares.
Take a picture, it might last longer...
I wrote, and held it to my chest for everyone to see, rolling my eyes. Most looked away, though only a few looked embarrassed. I guess I should have expected this. I did expect it. I was, once again, the freak. I smiled grimly to myself, and went to the back, taking out my sketch book, to finish an earlier sketch. I was drawing a dancer, but I couldn't get the legs right and it was annoying me.
Then a shadow fell on my drawing. I looked up. It was Chelsea.
'Hey, bitch.' She said. Well, that was... uncalled for.
'How have you been?' She paused pretending to wait for an answer. 'Oh, sorry, I forgot! You can't talk!' Great. I sighed and stood putting my sketch book back into my bag and trying to get by, but she stood in front of me where ever I turned. I looked around for help, but no one seemed to notice. Jesse was hanging out with Sam and a girl, Lilly, I would guess. He was looking around for me but he couldn't see me behind Chelsea's tall figure.
She hit me then, and I fell, not expecting such violence first thing. For anyone else, it would have been fine... well, not fine, just not as bad. But it brought back memories of my father and all those years of abuse. I couldn't let it happen again, so as she reached to hit me a second time I grabbed her fist and twisted her arm behind her back, glaring.
Don't try it. I will beat it.
She looked at me, shocked for a moment, not expecting me to fight back I guess. By then everyone was looking at us. I moved to the side letting her arm go. I was about to leave, but Jesse caught my arm.
'Come sit with us...'
I smiled. Nodded.
'I know what just happened, you know. We'll talk later...' He whispered in my ear as I walked past him. My stomach sank. I looked around the class room. I knew everyone had seen. Damn. I looked over to where Jesse was now, sitting on a table with Sam and the girl.
I glared back at all the people staring, and when some didn't look away I flipped them off. Then they looked away. I smiled to myself, then walked over to Jess.
I smiled.
'Come on, sit, don’t just stand around.' I shrugged.
'Yeah, you're one of us now...' I looked up. It was the girl. She had dyed red hair and big green eyes with flecks of gold. She was pretty, wearing only eyeliner and a little lip gloss, which was barely noticeable, though against school policies. She could get in trouble if the teachers looked close enough and saw, but she didn't seem to care. I smiled at her and she grinned back.
'This is Lilly. And that's Sam...'
I smiled.
‘And we, ‘ said Lilly. ‘ Are known for misbehaving… a lot…’
‘Yeah… well…’ Jesse went a little red, and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘She doesn’t really need to know that… I mean, we’re not that bad…’
‘Hell yeah, we are! I mean come on, remember last year, when we started that food fight… I mean come on, that’s going to go down in history… Like, forever-‘
‘Whatever… So, yeah, this is Lilly, and that’s Sam.’
I know, I guessed. Thanks Sam, for... helping find me. And I guessed this was Lilly... looked up at them, then: you know from the way you look at her. She really is your girl.
Sam went a little red at that.
‘You opened your eyes but I didn't think you'd remember later... I didn't realize you were conscious.' said Jess.
I wasn't, well barley, but I heard your guys conversation. Anyway, thanks again Sam, you're cool.
He smiled back at me.
'You know,' he said to Jess, in his aussie accent, 'You know, I really am starting to like her. But don't let her get you too soft, it'll be bad for the bad boy rep...' He winked and laughed.
‘Yeah, I guess-‘ I said, then stopped. My eyes widened slightly.
I spoke. Yep, spoke. And laughed. I made a sound. Oh, God. No. My eyes widened. I couldn't, I couldn't make a sound. I wasn't meant to laugh... At least you didn't say more than a few words ... But you'll have to be more careful... I had to get away. I had to... to run...
I looked at them. Jesse had him mouth open. Lilly looked unfazed.
'I thought you said she couldn't make a sound, mate?' Sam said, confusedly.
'She can't...' Whispered Jesse.
By now everyone had gone silent and was looking at us. And then I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to run. So I did. I ran. Shoved the door open and barged out of it, passed a young woman who I assumed was Miss Hughes. I ran down the steps and looked for somewhere I could go, hide.
I found a broom cupboard and sat there curled up, sobbing. I hadn't realized I was crying until then, but I heard and felt the sobs wracking my body. Why was I crying? I wasn't sure exactly. Maybe it was because I was scared I would be punished. Maybe it was because I hadn't used my voice in so long. Maybe it was because Jesse heard me, or because it brought back memories. Because I didn't remember ever laughing ever, except when I was with Levi, and Levi was gone, even though I was falling in love with him all over again through my memories. And talking brought back both horrid and good memories. But to be honest, I wish it had brought back neither. I hated remembering.
And then I couldn't hold back any more. My sobbing had ceased, and the quiet of the cupboard was pressing in on me, making me feel deaf. I stood. Punched the wall until my knuckles were bloody. And then I fell back in the corner, remembering Levi's beautiful face. And Jesse's too. I was so confused. I rocked forward and backward.
'No, no, no, no...' Again and again. It was all I said. No. I couldn't do this. No. I never wanted this. No. No. No. I didn't realize at first that I was saying it out loud but when I did I just carried on.
I didn't care anymore.