I stay in my room for most of the weekend. Nathan tries calling me for a few times, but I didn't want to talk to him.
Normally I didn't like going to school on Mondays, but today I didn't care. I just wanted to get away from home, avoiding my mother and sister. Although I knew today I wouldn't be able to avoid Nathan, even if I could all weekend. I knew he will question me about Saturday, wondering why I suddenly freaked out. I could tell him. He wouldn't understand if I tell him. I will be spending tonight with him also. I might as well get used to seeing him around today.
I stand at my locker, grabbing what I need for my morning classes. I grab my sketch book for Visual Arts and notebook for German. Ugh, German. I really do not feel like going to class today.
I spot Nathan approaching me from the corner of my eye. I pretend I don't see him, and continue to stare inside my locker, trying to think of what else I need for class.
"Are you interested in seeing Hurricane live?" Nathan asks me as he stands beside me.
I turn to look at him, staring at the two concert tickets in his hands, before looking back at Nathan's pleading eyes, wanting me to say yes. Is he crazy for talking to me right here? What if people hear our conservation? "Are you seriously taking me to a Hurricane concert?"
Hurricane is a Canadian punk rock band that is touring our country at the moment. They have a show on tonight. I have listen to their music a couple of times and it's not all that bad, but I'm not fully into their music. I don't really like them or any band at all.
I don't understand why Nathan would want to take me out on my first date to a lousy rock concert. That's not even a date for crying out loud! He could at least take me out to a nice restaurant. But no, he has to take me to a stupid Hurricane concert. Great, please remind me again why I had allowed this jerk to take me out on a date if I knew he was going to take me to a concert? Does that even count as a date?
What if I have another panic attack if I try to have fun?
"Look, I know a concert is not exactly a great place to go out on a date," Nathan tells me, "but I really want to see them live. My elder brother was supposed to go with me, but he bailed out a couple of days ago and I don't want to go to this alone."
I sigh. "Okay, fine. I will go. Now get out of here before someone sees you talking to me."
Nathan promises to pick me up around five thirty. The concert starts at seven, and he wanted to get to the concert hall early for a good parking spot, and to beat peak hour traffic.
Just as he turns to leave, he turns back to me.
"Oh, just one more thing," he says.
I roll my eyes. "What?"
"I want to know what happened on Saturday. Why did you suddenly freaked out?"
"I don't know. I just did. Now go before someone sees us."
This time he leaves. I watch him disappear down the corridor until I can no longer see him. I look around me. No one seems to have taken notice of us talking to each other.
I think about tonight. I guess the concert will be okay to see, just as long as I give it a chance. I have never been to a concert before. It might be good... Wait, what am I saying? Why am I saying that the concert will be good? Maybe this isn't a very good idea for me to go out with Nathan. I think something is happening to my mind.
"So, what was Nathan talking to you about?"
I jump at the sound of my sister's voice, snapping me out of my daydream. I turn to her, clutching my sketch book to my chest. "It's none of your business."
I push my sister out of the way and close my locker, locking it. I then walk in the opposition direction Nathan had walked. Lindsay follows me. I roll my eyes. Does she really have to follow me right now? Why can't she just leave me alone for once in her life?
"Alex, you have to help me to get Nathan to like me. He is way too obsessed with you to notice me."
I'm getting sick of her talking to me about how much she wants Nathan. Can't she be happy with the boyfriend she already has?
"Lindsay, I'm not doing your dirty work for you. Why are you chasing after him anyway? You have a boyfriend."
"I told you before that I'm experimenting with different guys, okay?"
"Yeah, but imagine how Simon will feel when he finds out you're cheating on him."
"He doesn't know I'm cheating on him, and I would prefer if he didn't know."
"Gee, I will hate to be you when he doesn't find out how unfaithful you have been to him."
"Do you like Nathan?"
Her question is so out of the blue. I can't answer her because I know whatever she has just asked me is stupid. Just because he has a crush on me doesn't mean I like him in return.
I ignore her and keep walking. I don't need to tell her anything. She should already know the answer.
"Hello? Alex, are you going to answer me? Do you like Nathan?"
I stop walking where we are now standing on the stairs to go to the second floor. I turn to my sister, looking down at her. "Do you have somewhere to be, Lindsay?"
"I don't have to be anywhere. Just give me an answer, Alex."
I roll my eyes. She really doesn't know how to give up, does she? "Why would I like Nathan?" I walk up the stairs. "He is nothing but an annoying jerk that won't leave me alone."
Lindsay follows me up the stairs. "Why can't you give me a single straight answer?"
The bell rings, saving me from answering my sister. People around us start heading towards their roll call. I quickly hurry off to mine before Lindsay could ask me something else. I know I can't run away from her completely because we are in the same roll call together. She will hassle me there until I answer her.
I sit down in the classroom and open up my book. I was just about to put pencil to paper when Lindsay comes up to me. I quickly close it before she sees it.
"Alex, why can't you answer my question? What's so hard about answering the question?"
"How many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone and keep out of my private life?"
"I don't care about your private life, Alex. I just want to know the answer."
"Well, you aren't going to get the answer."
Lindsay is about to open her mouth to answer when Mr Grey walks into the room to mark the roll. He asks my sister to take a seat. We stare at each other for a moment. I don't know what she is thinking, but it looks as if she is trying to work out what I'm thinking.
She finally turns and takes a seat in the front of the room. I open up my book and begin drawing as the rest of the class settles down to have their name mark off.
* * * * *
I go to see Miss Giovanni at recess. I don't need to see her, but I feel like I have to tell her about Saturday. She will want me to tell her. She always tells me to talk about anything to her that might be bothering her. I thought of telling her about the panic attack I suddenly got when I was with Nathan as I was going down the tunnel. I never had a panic attack before. Maybe she could tell me why I acted like that.
But when I'm suddenly in her office, I can't think of how to tell her anything. It's like I'm afraid for her know what happened, afraid to discover something new about me.
"Alex, are you sure you want to tell me now?" she asks me. "Maybe you would like to tell me another day about how you feel if you can't tell me now."
I shake my head. "No. I want to tell you."
"Then tell me. You have been sitting here for at least ten minutes, staring down at your lap. Tell me, Alex. What's on your mind?"
I take a breath. I can trust Miss Giovanni. Everything I tell her is confidential. Why am I so afraid to tell her as if someone will find out?
"Something happened on Saturday," I say.
She opens up her notebook, and writes something down. I hate it when she writes things down. It makes me feel nervous, wondering what she could be writing about. She doesn't always take notes, but when she does I wonder if they are good or bad.
"What happened, Alex?" she asks, encouraging me to continue on.
I tell her about Nathan. I tell her about Wet 'n' Wild. I tell her about the panic attack.
The only thing I don't tell her about is the butterflies I felt. She doesn't need to know about that. Besides, they don't mean anything.
"Have you ever had that feeling before, Alex?" she asks me.
I shake my head. "No, it was my first time. I didn't want to go with him in the first place, but he insisted that I came. I didn't know what to do except to give in. He paid for my entry, and even paid for a swim suit for me. The first slide I went on with him I felt sick. When I went on the second one, I had the panic attack."
"What do you think might have made you feel like that?"
I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. I guess how I realise that you're meant to scream with excitement when going down the slide, but I don't know why, but it was like I was afraid to do it, and that's when I panicked."
"Cherophobia."
"What?"
"It means you are afraid of having fun or to be happy. At a water park you're supposed to feel happy and have fun, but in your mind it was telling you that you shouldn't because something tragic will happen."
I think about it, not really sure if I want to believe her.
"How do you know that?"
"Oh, I was researching phobias over the weekend for another student. They wanted to know about something so I researched it for them. I memorise some of the different phobias. When was the last the last time you had fun, Alex?"
I shrug my shoulders. I don't remember. I guess just before I turned twelve, before Dad walked out. After that it felt as I couldn't have fun without Dad. It made me feel guilty that he couldn't join in the fun with me.
I mention it to Miss Giovanni.
"So you feel you can't have fun without your Dad?" she asks me.
I nod. "It makes me feel bad, like I'm going to get into trouble by him or something."
"What about anything else? How do you feel about other things? Like with Nathan when he asked you go with him, how did you feel?"
"I didn't want go. Lindsay said he has a crush on me. He has asked me out, but I said no. He then asked if I want to go just as friends and nothing more."
"And what happened when you went with him? Did you feel that you could be friends with him? I know you said you don't want any friends."
"It feels weird since I haven't had a friend for so many years. I don't know what he sees in me."
"Have you ever had a friend who was a guy before?"
I shake my head. "No."
"How do you feel about having Nathan as a friend? Do you want to be his friend?"
I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. I don't even know if I want to have any friends. What if I do make a friend, get really closed to them and they suddenly leave me? I don't know if I can take another person leaving me again after dad left me."
"Describe to me how you felt when your dad left you."
Tears were starting to form in my eyes. I couldn't think about Dad. Not right now. I don't want to think of the day he left me. My twelfth birthday is the only thing I don't ever want to think about for as long as I live. It's too painful for me to think about. The pain of thinking that someone you cared about doesn't love you enough to stay with you.
"I'm sorry, I need to go, Miss Giovanni," I say, getting up. "The bell will be going soon so I should go."
"Alex, you can stay."
"No. I should get to class.
I walk over to the door.
"Alex, wait. Before you go, I have something for you." She takes something out of her top draw. It's a purple notebook. She gets off her chair and walk over to me. "I was thinking of you over the weekend. Now, I know you like to draw and that relaxes you, but I feel that you have a lot of anger stuck inside of you. Drawing is good, but writing is also good. I got you this diary. I thought maybe you can use it to write how you feel down. I know you like to sketch pictures of how you feel about your dad, but I think it will also help you if you could write how you feel down in this diary also."
I take the diary. I hate diaries. I stare at it. I don't need to write my feelings down. I don't want to.
I thank her and then leave the room, slipping the diary into my bag. I don't need it. I don't know why she even bothered to get it for me. It's not like I'm ever going to use it.