*TRIGGER WARNING*
This is a very triggering chapter, it is going to be mentioning some really tough things and i want you guys to know that if you have any type of mental illness i am here for you and i love you <3
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The next day i awoke with a huge hangover. My head was spinning and i felt super sick. It felt like i was inside a room that had a huge beeping sound playing over and over. A panic room.
God... yesterday was my birthday. All the memories began to flood back to me and i sat up and sighed.
Crap.
My father gets out today.
I got out of bed, made an effort to put on a jumper and some leggings. I brushed my hair and threw it up in a ponytail. I walked downstairs to greet an also hungover, Dan and Phil.
"How you feeling Lea?" Dan asked.
I shrugged my shoulders and held my head, smiling a little.
"Same," He replied.
"So me and Dan are going to go to the shop in a while, anything you want?" Phil asked.
I shook my head and gave him a small smile. I didn't want any food. I had been doing really well up until yesterday. God, i'm an idiot. But i guess i made up for it by being sick after drinking so much. That was a really bad idea.
Dan and Phil returned upstairs and i sat down on the couch. I put on mean girls, and cuddled up into a blanket. Dan and Phil came back after about 20 minutes, dressed and looking much better than me.
"So its about 1pm now," Dan said. Was it really 1pm?! God i slept in so late!
"Were gonna probably be about an hour, maybe more depending on traffic," Phil said.
"You sure you don't wanna come?"
I shook my head, i just wanted a bit of alone time if i'm quiet honest.
They smiled and said their goodbyes, and as i heard the car drive out the drive way, i relaxed a bit. It was nice to get away from their enlargements and all the shouting. I was getting quite sick of it actually.
The messages were still happening, i got hate every day. It hurt, but i took it better than i did before. I would punish myself instead of punishing anybody else. I know that i was holding onto a tight thread, and that if anything else happened; i would collapse.
10 minutes later, i heard a knock at the door. Its probably George, i thought.
I thought wrong.
It all happened so fast, he grabbed my mouth to stop me from talking, and shoved me and him through the door, throwing me to the floor.
"This is payback for sending me down!" He shouted.
He kicked me, hard. I was hit, punched, kicked, over and over. It felt like a never ending torment.
I cried out, trying to get away but my body was weak.
"Please stop," I yelped.
"Kill yourself you brat! This is all your fault! Its your fault your brother left us, its your fault your mother died! Its all your fault!" He said, screaming at me.
"I know it is! I know!" I cried out.
"Poor Leona! Shes depressed! She starves! She cuts! Her mother is dead! She gets bullied? She goes mute? POOR YOU!" He spat.
"Maybe if you didn't hurt me i wouldn't be such a failure! I do everything for you and this is how you repay me! I tried so hard to be the best daughter and pretend your abuse didn't hurt me BUT IT DOES!" I screamed.
He lost it. He went crazy, kicking me harder.
"I wish you would just die already." He said.
"Me too..." I hardly whispered.
He left me after 15 minutes of torment. He walked out, he didn't help me. He just dropped my lifeless and bruised body. Tears slipped from my eyes, i tried so hard to keep myself together but i was falling apart. He was gonna hurt me over and over and get away with it. This is all my fault, i'm a complete failure. Hes right, if i did just die; everyone would be happy.
That's it, i'm done.
I broke. I completely lost it. I couldn't take it anymore. All the abuse, all the pain; it was all too much. I got bullied every day, Dan and Phil would argue about me, my mother is dead, my brother did leave, i am a complete loser. The only person i have is George, and even he wouldn't care if i was gone.
I lifted myself up with every part that i had left. My energy was drained, so this would make it quick and easy. I ran to the bathroom, taking out my blade and a bottle of sleeping pills with a piece of paper and a pen.
This should be enough, right?
I took the blade and made four deep cuts up my wrist. They were bleeding out rapidly and i didn't care. I left them to bleed. I deserved to feel pain.
I hunched over at the pain of my stomach. He kicked me in the ribs, i think they could be broken.
I took every nerve i had left and lifted the bottle of pills, i opened the cap and stared at the small white pills. I took one, and did another cut. Every pill i took, i made myself bleed even more; and i went even deeper with every pill.
Before i knew it, all 20 pills from the bottle were gone, and i had 24 bleeding wounds on my wrists. I deserve this, i need to die!
I slipped to the floor, grabbing my hair and cried out.
I'm sorry Dan.
I'm sorry Phil.
I grabbed some paper and a pen from the cabinet and began to write.
To everyone i love,
I'm sorry. But i cant take it anymore. If you hadn't of noticed already, i'm extremely suicidal and depressed. I get hate on social media every single day. People call me fat, ugly, stupid, gross. They tell me to die. So that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm sorry it had to come to this, and i love you all so much. Please don't be sad over me, and please don't come to my funeral and say 'i was such a happy girl' or 'you loved me' because i wasn't happy at all, and no; you didn't love me. No one can love me, I'm not lovable. I break every day, i never eat; i cant remember the last time i ate and didn't throw up afterwards. Yes, I'm skinny; i starve. I cut, there are many wounds. But its okay, because i deserve to feel the pain. My mother died, and its my fault. My brother left, and its my fault. My father abuses me, and its my fault. Dan and Phil argue, and its my fault. George is heartbroken, and its my fault.
Everything is my fault, and that's why i have to leave. I am not happy whatsoever. This world is a huge pain for me, and it would be so much better if i wasn't alive. Please don't try to save me, i don't want to be saved. This is what's best for everyone, trust me. To everyone i may hurt, please don't feel like this is your fault. This was my own choice, and i'm glad i'm doing it. Thank you to everyone who made me happy before, but i can't take it anymore; therefore, i have to say goodbye.
Goodbye Internet, stay happy.
***
DAN'S POV
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We arrived home after an hour and a half. It took longer than we expected, we weren't meant to take so long; i swear.
I walked in to the living room and there was no sign of Lea.
I placed the shopping bags on the floor.
"Lea?!" I shouted up the stairs.
"Have you seen Lea?" I asked Phil in the living room. He shook his head in response.
Panic rushed through my head, she didnt reply to me. Why would she anyway? Dan she doesn't even speak! I tried to calm down, but ended up speeding upstairs to her, throwing each door open until i reached the bathroom.
I saw her, lying there. Completely lifeless. Her eyes were twitching open, but she didnt have much time.
"PHIL CALL AN AMBULANCE!" I shouted, as Phil's footsteps ran up the stairs.
I grabbed Leona's body and held her tightly in my arms. I held damp cloth's to her cuts to try and stop the blood, but it just wasnt working.
Please make it through. Please Leona. Please dont die on me!
"Leona its okay were here, youre gonna be okay," I whispered into her chest as i saw her eyes flicker open.
Panic rushed through her eyes when she saw me holding her, but she had no energy to move.
"Goodbye... Dan and Phil, i love you" She whispered.
Her eyes closed.
And my heart broke.
***
We were driving through the streets, as fast as we could. They were pumping her stomach, trying to release the fluids. Me and Phil held eachother, crying into each others shoulder.
"Why did this have to happen to her," Phil said, his voice cracking from the tears.
I held the note in my hand, opening it slightly and reading it.
She wanted to die. She was going to give up.
"Leona!" I screamed into Phil's chest.
The doctors pulled me back as i tried to pull at her body. Her eyes were still closed and there was no sign of her breathing.
I fell apart, i honestly did. I didn't want to lose her, i didn't want her to die, i loved her to bits; she was mine and Phil's daughter. Not that selfish asshole who she calls a father, were her fathers and were meant to be there for her. This is all my fault, she felt bad because me and Phil were fighting. It wasn't her fault, it was all mine. I'm such an idiot! Oh Dan if only you saw the signs!
Got a feeling that I'm going under,
But I know that I'll make it out alive,
If I quit calling you my lover
Move on.
You watch me bleed until I can't breathe,
Shaking, falling onto my knees
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches .
And it all happened so fast. The heart monitor was beeping slowly, and all of a sudden...
the line went flat.
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*I'M SO SORRY I'M SORRY I HAD TO DO THIS BUT CLIFFHANGER ASF WHAT DO YOU THINKS GONNA HAPPENNN?
I LOVE YALL OKAY PLS DONT EVER THINK SUICIDE IS THE ANSWER BECAUSE ITS NOT AND IVE BEEN THERE I CAN RELATE BUT DONT EVER TAKE YOUR LIFE REMEMBER I LOVE YOU AND IF YOU NEED SOMEONE THEN YOU CAN TALK TO ME*