The curiosity was killing me.
Could I call it curosity? I wasn't too sure, but I knew I could call it confusion. Wonder. Fear.
This morning, Wednesday morning to be exact, I'd woken up in my own bed, with a boy with black hair sleeping next to me, our limbs quite entangled. I hadn't had any nightmares which was slightly surprising, but it was even more surprising to find Phil Lester sleeping in my bed, until all the memories from the night before came rushing back at me.
I remembered following him after to school to find him standing above the river, prepared to end his life. I remembered grabbing him and holding onto him trying to convince myself that he was okay, now. I remembered holding his hand on the way to my house and the look on his face when he saw my paintings. I remembered laying outside with him all night, staring at the stars, discussing the random feelings inside our minds like there was nothing we had to filter out.
At around 1:00 AM we'd finally gone back inside and Phil had basically collapsed onto my bed, immediately falling asleep. I'd been left standing there, unsure of whether or not I should get in bed with him, or just sleep on the floor. Eventually, I'd decided that sleeping on an uncomfortably hard floor with canvas's surrounding me did not seem very appealing, so I'd slowly climbed underneath the blankets next to Phil. I'd been stiff at first, making sure that our arms didn't accidentally brush, but easily fell asleep within the next twenty minutes.
And then in the morning, we were entangled.
His left leg was over my right, my own left leg hitching up so that it crossed over both of our hips, and one of his arms splayed gently across my waist while my head was tucked underneath his chin, his gentle breathing drifting over my hair. There wasn't much skin on skin touch, since we were both still in our jeans and shirts, but I hadn't been this... close with anyone in as long as I could remember. With anyone else, I probably would have been annoyingly uncomfortable and jumped up from the bed and probably ran down the street. But with Phil, it felt almost normal.
It had taken a lot of motivation to remove my head from where I was comfortably laying in order to turn and look at the clock on my nightstand. Somehow, my mental clock had actually woken me up twenty minutes before we needed to be at school.
Waking up Phil had required a lot of trying to untangle my limbs from his without stirring him and then shaking him awake after I'd already changed my clothes. We'd rushed out of the house with four minutes to spare once my hair was satisfyingly straightened against my forehead.
It was a nice day, amazingly, the mostly clear sky and shining sun constrasting with the weather we'd witnessed yesterday. Phil and I had discussed multiple things while on our short walk, some important but some being something like what he saw on tumblr yesterday.
And just before we'd gone inside the front doors, Phil had turned to me, his voice becoming completely serious. "Could you maybe... could you not mention what happened yesterday to anyone?"
In confusion, I furrowed my eyebrows, but I nodded all the same. Soon enough, we'd made it inside and Phil was turning left as I turned right, our footsteps putting more and more space between us as they echoed against the walls.
Now, as I sat in History with Mrs. Anzo still substituting, I could feel it. The questions flying through my mind, entangling themselves in knots and tugging relentlessly, too quick for me to focus on one and untangle the others.
Why did he ask for me not to tell anyone? Not that I would, but what was the reason? Which part was he referring to? Him almost attempting suicide or the two of us staying at my house? Was he embarrassed of his actions with himself or did he regret his actions with me?
Not only that, but what had caused him to stand out on that bridge in the first place?
That question pulled at me the most. Why had a person who was nothing but amazing decided that they needed to end it all? Did it have something to do with him vanishing for a week? Why had he been gone?
Truth be told, it was way too many questions for me to even think about. Maybe I would ask Phil something light the next time we talked, but then again, I didn't want to accidentally step too far outside of his comfort zone. Or would it be stepping into his comfort zone? Am I even a part of his comfort zone?
Ugh, stop thinking! I mentally shouted at myself, forcing myself to turn my attention back to the front of the room, watching Mrs. Anzo's lips move although I couldn't focus on whatever she was teaching to the class. I looked down instead, my pencil lightly sketching a few random lines in the margins of my notebook as I internally battled against thinking about what I didn't want to think about.
Soon enough, the first half of the day was over, and I walked down the halls to go sit outside for lunch as I normally did.
"Dan!" Came a shout from behind me, and I came to a complete stop, turning slowly, confusion overtaking me. No one ever tried to get my attention at school; I was happy not getting attention and they were happy not giving it to me. I especially did not expect the person to be calling for me to be Tyler Oakley.
I furrowed my eyebrows as he caught up to me, stopping just a few feet in front of me and giving me a bright smile. "Phil told both Troye and I to look out for you! He was wondering if you wanted to sit with us for lunch today,"He informed me kindly, blue-green eyes glinting behind his glasses.
Troye, Tyler, and Phil wanted me to eat lunch with them? I could believe it once it sunk in, but I knew they weren't the only ones who sat at their giant table of friends. What if they all didn't want me there? I held up a finger, quickly letting my hand fumble into my bag and grab my notebook so that I could write an answer, since I was fairly sure that Tyler didn't know sign language.
Are you sure? I scribbled down, Who would all be there?
He thought for a moment before beginning to list everyone, "Well, Troye and I, and Phil, Chris, and Louise, Zoe, Hannah, Grace, and possibly Caspar, Joe, Marcus, and Alfie."
Tyler must have saw the look on my face because he gestured for me to explain my thinking. The last four don't like me, I wrote, and he pursed his lips.
"I know about how Joe and Marcus are assholes to you, but Alfie's mellowed because of whatever he has going on with Zoe. And Caspar likes you! Plus, I personally think Joe likes Caspar, so Joe would be good. Come on, pleeeeeaaaasssseee," He begged, "I want you to, Phil really wants you to."
The last part was slightly what made my decision for me, as I quickly shrugged and nodded. "Yay!" Tyler exclaimed, immediatly hooking his arm in mine, my automatic reaction being that I wanted to wrench away from him, but I didn't.
Before we officially walked into the main table area, he turned to me, his voice suddenly dropping into a serious tone.
"Do you know why Phil wasn't at my party last night?" I shook my head quickly, remembering what Phil had said to me this morning. I didn't know which occurrence he'd been referring to, so my solution was to pretend neither had happened.
He gave me a long look, blue-green eyes focused on my brown ones for probably way too long; I felt trapped under his gaze until he finally looked away and continued dragging me into the room where everyone was eating. I let out a light breath, part of me had been worried he would be able to tell I was lying.
Soon enough we had made it to the lunchroom, my eyes darting around rapidly as we headed into the crowd of people, his eyes set somewhere in the distance, somewhere I guessed was probably the lunch table where everyone else was. I attempted to put a small smile on my face as we approached, but it felt too forced so I quickly wiped it away with a neutral expression.
My eyes landed on the giant table and recognized it when I saw the heads of those I knew, like Troye. Phil was right next to him, with Louise and Chris crowding pretty close as well. I had no idea where he wanted me to sit, but a spot next to Phil was immediately cleared when Tyler announced, "Dan is eating with us today!" And Troye jumped up from his seat faster than I'd ever once seen him move, settling down instead in the seat just one away. Phil patted the one next to him, now open, giving me a smile that looked genuine and caught me slightly off guard because of how bright it was.
Even if it didn't compare to the brightness I'd seen in his eyes just over a week ago.
"Hello, Daniel," Phil greeted cheerily as I sat down stiffly, trying not to pay attention to the group of people at this table who were now looking at me like I was a new specimen for them to examine.
I gave a tiny wave before looking away from him and instead staring down at the table, suddenly feeling very claustrophobic because of how tightly squeezed I was between Troye and Phil. I felt myself subconsciously shifting back and forth, not sure if being close to Phil at the moment felt like comfort or hesitancy. How could he disappear for a week, come back and consider suicide, and then go back to school and act like everything was fine? I definitely couldn't act like everything was fine. Not when I now had a bit of a clearer idea of what ran through his head every day.
It was alright, I had to admit, to sit with this group of these people and listen to their banter and smile along with anything that actually broke through my shell of indifference. The thoughts of confusion were forgotten when these people smiled at me, and these smiles, unlike the many thrown my way in my life, weren't forced and full of pity. I think they might have even found me funny, even Caspar and Alfie because they laughed when Phil would translate one of my jokes that I'd signed. They didn't ask me why I didn't talk, they didn't try to pry into my life, they were only nice and friendly, and it made me feel like I finally belonged.
I'd always thought that human interaction was something that I completely despised and always would, that I was glad to be missing out on it, but now after actually getting more of it, I was starting to realize maybe it was something I'd been wanting all along.
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this chapter is so short and like really badly written i apologize its terrible ill make up for it in the next one hopefully ok ok ok
anyway so im meeting tyler in 42 DAYS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH im so excited ill probably look bad in my picture because ill be crying im going with two of my friends
also i really cant stop listening to WILD over and over and over my favorite song is bite i have memorized each word
anyway tell me about your day im curious and in a bad mood so tell me ur feelings and the good things that happened to u today ok
love u guys remember to get a lot of sleep and drink a lot of water