I want to tell you everything. I want to talk to you for hours- I want to wrap my arms around you and never let go.
But I can't do any of those things.
❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀
I tried to pull Sirius aside several times that day. The first time, I'd been walking several paces behind him when I spotted Sirius striding next to James and called his name three times. His head hadn't moved an inch, no matter how much I willed it to.
Then, at lunch, he had left the Great Hall earlier than anyone else, before I even thought about trying to talk to him again. I thought that I'd at least corner him after dinner, in the Common Room, but no- he and James had both mysteriously disappeared around 8:00 p.m.
I fell asleep that night with an uneasy mind. I kept tossing one question back and forth in my head, but every time I would reach a conclusion, a voice in my head would tell me no, you're wrong.
When I finally did manage to succumb to fatigue, I was pulled from reality straight into a dream.
At first all I saw was darkness. Then came a voice, a light, meadowy voice that would belong in a fairytale.
"Once upon a time," the voice began, "There was a beautiful place."
The darkness around me began to ripple, the black spilling over in bright reds, greens, and blues. My feet landed on hardened stones, and creamy, antiqued buildings sprouted several feet from my arms.
"This place," the voice explained, "Was not a castle, but a city. A lovely city filled with cobblestone streets-"
A cobblestoned road folded out in front of me, stretching far ahead until turning down smaller streets.
"and well-dressed, smiling people."
Suddenly, I was no longer alone. My shoulders were jostled, in a friendly way, and the street was filled with the sounds of laughter. People passed in fashionable dresses and casual suits, and I looked down at myself, expecting to find my pathetic set of pajamas. To my surprise, I fit in with everyone else- I was dressed in a light, summery dress that hung off straps on my shoulder and had a full white skirt spotted with pink and red flowers.
"A princess walks the street among the common people."
I scanned the crowd, searching for a beautiful woman in a flowing pink dress, maybe with a diamond crown atop her head. But I couldn't find her; no one in particular stood out in the crowd.
The voice sighed a little, as if it had expected me to pass her over. "No one notices her fair face, her sunshine hair. Instead, they admire the delicate curve of the buildings, the wrought-iron beauty of the balconies, the lively restaurants around the corner, and, of course the sky above them that was painted a blue deeper than the waters of Greece."
My gaze followed the voice's words, and my jaw dropped with un-contained wonder as the beauty of this city and its people soaked through my skin and flooded my heart.
"No one sees the princess," the voice said, its tone almost amused, as if it were scornful of the foolishness of us humans.
"No one," the voice said. "Save for her prince."
Then, I saw them- I saw the prince walking just ahead of me. He strode beside the princess, his skin tan and his muscles bulging from his black princely shirt.
I couldn't see the princess' face. She was wearing a short green dress, and her blonde hair was piled in a braid atop her head. She must have been stunning, I was sure, but no one gave her a second glance except her prince striding beside her.
"The prince wasn't looking at the fantasy-esque city, and he wasn't watching the regal, smiling people. He only had eyes for the princess." I swear I heard the voice smile. "He looked at her with the sort of love that people cherish. The kind of love that is so fierce, so strong, that people guard it like protecting it is their sole duty in life."
My heart twisted as the voice's words rang through my ears and into my very soul. Pain, it seemed, haunted you even in unconsciousness.
The prince and princess still walked in front of me, their backs straight and steps proud. The princess was still looking ahead, but I could see the side of the prince's face as he looked lovingly at his princess.
"The princess felt the prince's eyes on her, and her cheek warmed as she was suddenly struck with the love pouring from his eyes."
I studied the prince's face further. He was handsome, certainly, with a strong jaw and neat hair, and alluring eyes. Eyes, I realized, that were grey.
My throat dried, and suddenly watching the couple in front of me became more of a nightmare than a fantasy.
The voice became sadder, its tone less joyful and more dark. "Then the prince turned away-"
As the voice spoke, the he turned his gaze from the princess, and I could no longer see his grey eyes. The princess bent her head. Her steps lost their life and her feet began to drag.
"The princess' face grew cold," the voice said mournfully. "and her eyes dried as she wondered, 'Does my prince still love me?'"
The fantasy was yanked away from me like a rug on the floor, and the colors rushed off the black canvas, and the people, the buildings, the princess and the prince, were washed away in the blink of an eye.
I awoke sweaty and agitated, my mind racing and heart pounded, as I wondered the meaning behind what I had just saw.
❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀
A week after term had begun, Remus and I went back to the Common Room for our free period. We took our time, chatting and catching up on each other's summers- I was intentionally vague about mine- and there were already a few people in the Tower when we stepped inside.
A group of seventh years were swapping notes by the fireplace, and, by the window, a boy and girl were snogging passionately.
I groaned. "Couldn't they get a room?" I headed towards a couch opposite the seventh years.
When I didn't hear footsteps following behind me, I glanced over my shoulder. "Remus?"
He was standing stiffly by the Portrait Hole. His limbs had gone completely still, and he was staring at me with a horrible expression on his face.
"Remus...? Does the snogging bother you that much?"
He shook his head fervently. His eyes were wide, and his voice barely concealed his panic. "No, not me...Bree," he paused and bit his lip, his face torn. "Do you- do you see who's snogging?"
I snorted. "Does it ma..." I trailed off as I squinted at the heated couple by the window.
The girl was pressed up against the wall, her long blond hair spilling over the guy's arms. Her hair had dark highlights and was styled in tight ringlets...Marlene.
The guy was a good few inches taller than her, tanned with carefully kept black hair- no.
No, no, no. Bile flooded my mouth, and I fought to keep from retching. My books clattered to the floor. The seventh years, looked up from their notes, startled, but I hardly registered them.
I turned to Remus, my lip trembling and throat dry.
"T-That's not- not Sir-" The bile continued to rise up my throat and I choked as it flooded my mouth.
Remus's expression grew tense, and he grabbed my arm. "Let's go," he said quietly.
"N-No." I shook my head. "I-"
I need to make sure it's him.
"No, Bree, we're going," he said. He pulled me out of the Common Room, and I stumbled out of the Portrait Hole, my feet tripping over each other as I half-walked and half-dragged myself into the corridor.
It had to be him. I knew it was. It was Sirius. Sirius snogging Marlene. Sirius snogging-
I chucked the one remaining book in my arm at the tile.
"What-was-Remus-" I got out. I felt my face reddening and this horrible, sharp pain stabbed my chest.
Was this what heartbreak felt like?
"He doesn't talk to me- for weeks- and then- with her-" I didn't know whether to scream or cry. I wanted to do both, no, I wanted to storm back in there and rip the two of them apart, to kick them so far away from each other that I would never have to witness such a- a nightmare ever again.
I was about to go do exactly that when Remus pulled me back again.
"Bree, don't go back in there," he told me. His brown eyes were wide and they filled with pity as he met my furious gaze.
"And you're going to stop me?" I dared him. "Why should I stay out?"
Remus just looked silently at me. Today, the pinks scars on his cheek were brighter than usual, and I fought the urge to scream profanities.
"Why should I stay out, Remus? Do you think- do you think that Sirius and I had something? That I fancied him?" I spat, my voice becoming increasingly spiteful as I lost more and more control to my anger.
He said nothing.
I laughed, an awful and empty sound. "You do, don't you? That obvious, huh? I bet you all know, then. I'll bet everyone knows now- everyone knows that Bree Convelo's an idiot because she fell for a bloke who clearly feels absolutely nothing for her."
Remus shook his head gently. "Bree, listen, you're not an idiot."
"Yes I am, Merlin!" I shouted. The knife twisted deeper in my chest as I saw, in my mind's eye, Sirius's arms around Marlene's waist, his tongue down her throat. "Y-You see how pathetic I am? I c-can't hold myself together after seeing two p-perfectly single people snog each other?"
"Stop it, no one thinks you're an idiot or anywhere close to pathetic." Remus insisted. He put a hand on my arm, but I yanked it away from him.
"I do!" I screamed. Several students climbing the staircase beside us paused in their steps. I didn't find it in me to care. "I can't stand m-myself or Sirius or Marlene or you or anyone right now!"
With that, I raced away from the Fat Lady's portrait and down the corridor, headed in no particular direction except for away from Sirius and Marlene.
Remus' reaction was delayed, and by the time he began to chase after me, I was already several corridors away from him.
Finally, I found a nice, quiet balcony reminiscent of where Lily had broken down after the Snape incident.
I stomped on the tiles and muffled my screams with my hand.
"You're such an idiot! Such a-an worthless idiot!"
I spat out a violent string of swear words. I couldn't even think straight; my thoughts were stained by sadness, my judgement blackened with anger.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
"Stupid!" I yelled.
My shout echoed down the halls, the syllables bouncing off the stone walls.
I threw my body against the wall and slammed my shoulders roughly into the stone.
I slid to the floor, and held myself as memories flashed through my mind.
Sirius, laying next to me as we gazed the summer stars.
Sirius, laughing as we strode through London.
Sirius, handing me white roses after my violin performance.
Sirius, his face inches from mine, and his eyes filled with a kind of love that I'd never seen before.
Sirius, his back to me as he pressed his face against Marlene's.
I squeezed my eyes shut. Again, I was stabbed with pain and I thought, furiously and heartbroken,
Why would he do that?
And then came an answer. You were wrong. You're not as important to him as you thought- he didn't expect you to care so much.
So, why should you?
I wiped away my tears. That answer was easy. I shouldn't.