"I just got off the phone with my mum," Jade said as she dropped into the sofa in the living room next to Perrie. "She wants me to come home for the weekend and she offered for you to tag along if you wanna see South Shields again. What I mean is you'd be welcome to come to our house as well if you want to."
Perrie placed her popcorn bowl down on the coffee table, wiping her hands on her sweats with a smile, "Yeah, sounds good. How about we spend Saturday together and on Sunday we're riding solo with our fam and then come back here together again?"
Jade nodded her head excitedly, "Yeah, that sounds perfect, actually. And I haven't seen your mum in forever – we should all have dinner together, maybe? I'm sure mum would love to have you all over, as well as Jonnie if he can make it."
"That sounds nice," the blonde hummed and leant into Jade, causing the brunette to blush – despite the fact that they had been here for about three days now, she still couldn't help but turn as red as a tomato every time Perrie touched her (and she couldn't lie about it, Perrie did touch her a lot. Like, a lot). "I've wanted to talk to my mum for ages now anyway but I never really found the time and I don't really like to talk on the phone with her. It's not that personal."
Jade nodded because she knew that feeling all too well; it was much better to talk when you could hug each other and study each other's faces to make sure that the said words were spoken truthfully and with good intentions. Furthermore was mother's hug the best in most situations (although Jade wouldn't deny that Perrie's were quite nice, too).
"I'm gonna call my mum back then and tell her we're coming and if she minded if our families come together, yeah?"
Perrie whined and wrapped her arm around Jade's waist, keeping her on the sofa. "No, you can do that later. Jesy wants to pick up something later I accidentally took with me and I wanna cuddle some more before she arrives."
Jade sighed albeit not very convincingly and let her head lie on Perrie's shoulder, the blonde arm putting a nice pressure on her waist.
She knew how easy it would be to get used to it but one day the blonde would find someone else again, when she was ready to be in a relationship. She knew this one probably wouldn't be here but for now, she thought, it didn't harm to dream.
***
As Perrie and Jade piled the dishes into the dishwasher that Saturday it almost felt like family. It was nice to have her over, the families getting along and she could almost pretend they were actually together. Biting her lip because she knew those thoughts were dangerous she turned away from the blonde, who was just throwing some left over food into the trash can.
"That was really nice, wasn't it?" The blonde asked happily and Jade couldn't help but drop her sad mood right away. There was just no chance in hell that she could be worrisome when Perrie was happy. "I don't think our families ever actually had dinner together, did they?"
The brunette shook her head no as a reply. "There's a first time for everything," she laughed and pushed a plate into the dishwasher. "It was a nice first time."
Perrie giggled and shook her head, "You could have told me that a couple days ago."
Slapping her arm, Jade felt her cheeks catch fire. "You're an idiot," she told the younger female, "if anyone hears you talk like that they might assume –"
"Let them assume, then," Perrie shrugged and looked at Jade considering. "What would be so bad if they thought we were actually together now?"
Frowning Jade wondered what Perrie wanted to tell her with those words. Was she seriously just asking this question just because she was actually curious or was there a deeper meaning behind it? She had been awfully affectionate... Jade definitely wouldn't complain.
Shaking the thought off – because it was ridiculous, really – she replied in a whisper, "Well, they're one of the few people who know we aren't. I don't mind people thinking we're a couple because I'm sure you'd make a nice girlfriend but I don't want them to call us a couple, too. Leigh and Jesy as well as our families should know the truth about us."
"So what is the truth?" Perrie asked her and put her hip to the sink. "About us, I mean."
It was quiet for a few seconds except for the cutlery Jade put into the dishwasher carefully. She was thinking about what to answer because what was the truth? She didn't even know herself. Well, she knew what she wanted but she had no idea what Perrie wanted or what she was expecting to hear from her now. Without lifting her head she replied, "Whatever feels right, isn't it? We're not anything, really, I think. Maybe... friends with benefits." She tried not to purse her lips at the words because that was definitely not what Jade wanted. But how on earth would she tell Perrie what she was feeling towards her? Probably always had been?
That realisation hit her like a truck. The reason why this whole thing had never bothered her as much as Perrie, why she had fallen so quickly was that she hadn't fallen quickly at all.
Over the past four years in which she had known Perrie she had always liked her and she wouldn't say that she had liked Perrie better than Jesy and Leigh-Anne but it had always been... a bit different. After all was it Perrie she had moved in with and not one of the other girls.
Her relationship with Sam had been nice but it hadn't given her what she wanted out of a relationship. She did love him, she was sure of it, but it always felt like something had been missing and she could never really put her finger on it.
"Jade?" The blonde's voice rang through her head and snapping her head up she blinked heavily. She had been so absorbed in her own thoughts that she had completely forgotten she had been engaged in a conversation with Perrie just a few seconds ago.
"Uh, sorry, zoned out," she told her and tried to shake those thoughts off. They weren't meant to be thought about now in the presence of Perrie. "What'd you say?"
Perrie looked at her for a few seconds and licked her lips before nodding her head slowly, "I said friends with benefits sounds about what we are, doesn't it? With what we do and what we mean about it. Like, it doesn't really mean much, does it?"
"No..." Jade replied as she put some more dishes away to avoid looking at the blonde. Now that she felt like she had been hit by a truck she didn't really know how to act. It was bad enough that she had realised that she had fallen in love with Perrie, but now that she acknowledged for how long she had been it was just... the sensation of it all was just too overwhelming.
"Are you okay?" Perrie asked her worriedly and reached out a hand to touch Jade's shoulder but the brunette subconsciously flinched.
"Uh, yeah, sorry," she told her and rubbed at her temple exasperatedly. "I just feel a little uneasy at the moment."
"Can I do anything to help?" The blonde asked cheekily and giggled.
Biting her lip to avoid moaning she shook her head, "No, I think I just had too much lasagne. My stomach hurts a little so I'm gonna go to the toilet later, I bet it'll be alright."
In that moment Perrie's mother shouted for her and it was almost like they were teenagers again except that Jade hadn't known her back then. She wondered what it would have been like if they had met in High School or earlier on, had become friends and then went to the audition together, as a duet, maybe as a couple – but no, Perrie was straight... but then again, why did she do the things she did? Why did she kiss Jade, why did she make out with her, why did she have sex with her?
A hope rose within the brunette and as much as she tried to shake it off, it didn't go away, helping her to fall asleep alone for the first time in almost a month.
***
"Babe, can you help me in the kitchen for a moment, please?"
"Why can't Karl help?" Jade whined but then got up from the sofa to follow her mum into the kitchen, "it's not very twenty-first century of you to drag your daughter into the kitchen to help but not your son."
Norma said down in one of the chair surrounding their dinner table and patted the chair next to herself. "I wanted to talk to you, love, I don't actually need your help. I just thought it'd be best if we did it a bit more private. You know how nosy your dad can be." She chuckled a little and Jade couldn't help but smile as well because it was really true.
"Well," Jade said then and folded her hands on the table, feeling a little uncomfortable. Her mother had never really pulled her away from everyone to talk to her so this was probably a more serious talk than she would like. "What is it you wanted to talk to me about, then?"
Norma got up from the chair and went over to the cupboard, taking out two mugs. "Do you want something to drink before we talk?"
"Mum," Jade replied with a sigh and raised her eyebrows. "Why don't you just spill the beans?"
"Come on," Norma beckoned and pointed at the different tea flavours in the cupboard before walking over to the sink and pouring water into the kettle. "What tea do you want?"
Frowning Jade agreed, "Okay, then I'll green tea with lemon, please."
Her mother walked around the room and it was quiet for the next few minutes except for the sound of boiling water and then pouring it into two mugs. Carefully the older woman walked over to the table again, placing the green tea in front of her daughter and the other one, filled with Earl Grey, in front of herself.
Wrapping her hands around the steaming cup Jade raised her eyebrows at her mum challengingly, "Now, are you going to tell me what's going on?"
"If you don't mind... I wanted to ask about you and Perrie. Have you figured out yet what you want from her? How you feel about her?"
The younger brunette's heart started racing and with blushed cheeks she stared at the cup between her hands. Now she was grateful she had an object she could look at, thanks to her mum. "Uh. Yeah, I guess. I mean... Yes, I know how I feel, I guess."
Norma chuckled and put her palm on Jade's shoulder, "Hey, don't worry, honey. You know you can talk to me about everything. So... what is it?"
Jade swirled the spoon in her cup around a bit, watching the liquid form circles. "I, um. I realised that I – I think I really love her. Like. Full on."
When it was quiet for a few seconds she looked up and felt her eyes sting a little. She didn't even know why she was about to cry because nothing had happened and her mum was understanding but this sort of felt like a coming out and what was she even coming out as?
"Don't worry about anything right now," her mum told her and rubbed her hand over Jade's arm comfortingly. "So, you love Perrie. Have you told her?"
"No!" Said Jade quickly and probably too loud. Regretting her outburst immediately she rubbed a shaky hand over her forehead and then wiped below her eyes to avoid smudging her mascara but also to get rid of that ridiculous wetness. "Sorry," she mumbled and took a deep breath, blinking heavily.
"It's fine," her mum chuckled. "Well, then, are you going to tell her?"
Jade shook her head vigorously. "No, I don't think she'd want to hear that. She's only just broken up with Zayn, like, three weeks ago. I don't think she's ready for anything new at the moment and like... God, this is ridiculous!" She addressed the last four words at herself and groaned at annoyance as she felt more tears fall from her eyes, down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, I have no idea why I'm fucking crying."
"Language," her mother scolded and then got up to get a tissue from the counter next to the sink. "Honey, you don't need to apologise. Is this the first time you've talked about this with someone?"
Jade nodded her head and wiped the tissue under her eyes, looking up at the ceiling as she did so. "I don't – I don't even know what to tell you. I don't know what you want me to say."
Norma raised her eyebrows in surprise and then replied quietly, "Why don't you just tell me what you want to get off your chest instead of trying to tell me what I want to hear?"
Blinking heavily Jade nodded and put her hands in her lap, trying to calm herself. "Okay..." Taking another deep breath she looked up and pressed her lips into a smile because even when she was younger pretending to be fine okay had always helped her feel a little better already. "We – Perrie and I – we... well, we have kissed. And... more. Well, we. Ugh, you're my mum, for heaven's sake, this is so weird."
"Exactly, I'm your mum," the older woman replied. "Which means that I love you, unconditionally, whatever you do or did or said. I will always love you and I will treasure your secrets as if they were my own because I'm your mum. Now stop being so afraid, nothing will happen to you."
Letting out a huff of breath Jade nodded her head and blinked quickly again. "Okay, well... the night we came back from America... we... well, we had sex." Feeling herself turn as red as a tomato she averted her eyes to avoid looking at her mum. There were probably only so many girls that told their mother about their first time but Jade had done it in High School and now she had done it again – not that it felt any less weird this time.
"Isn't that a good sign?" Her mother asked without judging her. Jade had wondered what her mum would have said, sleeping with someone you weren't in a relationship with, if she would tell her that she should have more respect for herself but apparently her mother was less old-fashioned than Jade had thought.
Jade shook her head no as a reply and sighed. "Yesterday she asked me what we were and when I suggested 'friends with benefits' she told me that she agreed because it doesn't mean anything anyway. Her exact words. It doesn't mean anything." She had to blink quickly again as she felt her heart break at the words. It had been bad enough to hear them from Perrie yesterday but now thinking about it again and saying it out loud only seemed to confirm it.
Frowning her mother looked at her and Jade thought if not even her mum knew a way out of this whole mess nobody would find one. "You know, honey, if it hurts you the way she treats you, why don't you stop it?"
Jade sighed and nodded. "It's just... I enjoy it while it lasts. I like when she kisses me and cuddles me and stuff... Just afterwards, when we're done and I'm reminded that it isn't real it really does hurt so freaking much."
Sighing empathetically her mum reached out and pulled her daughter into her chest, hugging her tightly. "Love, please don't put yourself through this. You deserve someone who will let you know that you're the only one they want, too and not just someone to have fun with."
"I don't really want anyone else at the moment," Jade whispered quietly and closed her eyes. She felt tears spill through her closed lids and cursed herself for letting all of this get to her – this was exactly what she had been afraid of and tried to push to the back of her mind all the time. She didn't want to be in love with Perrie because she could never have her in the way she wanted.
"I just want you to be careful. You deserve everything."
With another forced smile Jade pulled back and looked at her mum through a blurred vision, caused by her tears. "I'll be fine and if not, I'm going to come back here and you're going to back a lorry full of cookies so I can cry my heart out to you."
Norma laughed lightly, "Well, if you can make jokes I guess I can be sure you're going to be fine."
"I'm not joking," Jade told her with a laugh as well, "I really expect a lorry filled with cookies next time I'm here."