chapter twelve
(not edited)
I PULLED AWAY FROM GRANT and looked into the eyes of Georgia Rae. I relaxed slightly as I attempted to smile after the awkward moment she just found Grant and I in.
"Oh, God. I'm sorry." She laughed. "Wow, what a buzzkill, am I right?" She awkwardly held her hands behind her back as I stepped further away from Grant. "Okay, I'll just talk to you later." She turned around and rushed into the house.
I looked at Grant. He stood there like he was waiting for some kind of explanation.
"Sorry." I stammered and gulped. "I'm just trying to figure some things out."
"Yeah, I understand." He nodded his head. "That monster of yours must be really scary." He smiled. I did too as I just stood there and didn't know what to say next. "Alright, I'll let you catch up to your friends, then." He began to walk backwards. "I'm gonna go talk to May."
My eyes widened and my whole body pounded along with my heartbeat. I just realized that I completely acted like Julia just then (well, sort of), when I found out May liked girls and I ran out of there as fast as I could. I can't believe how much of a jerk move that was.
"I need to talk to her, too." I said as I began walking next to Grant.
"Oh, no, it's okay." He stopped walking and faced me. "I've gotta talk to her about something... between May and I."
"Oh." I shook my head and smiled faintly. "Alright." I cleared my throat, "could you just tell her that I - uh... I'm sorry for running away and I'd like to talk to her?"
Grant smirked and nodded his head. He was so kind - I could just tell.
"Sure." He soothed. "I'll tell her."
"Thanks," I smiled, "Fernando." He chuckled and shook his head as he walked back inside the house, leaving me alone in the backyard.
I turned around to start walking over to Mackenzie, but my legs couldn't seem to move. My thoughts overpowered my vision and I was no longer in the real moment. I was thinking about everything - my childhood, Julia, girls...
In kindergarten, I had a crush on a girl named Alex. I didn't think it was anything until now... I just thought she was pretty and I wanted to hold her hand and - oh, my God. I liked her, in a way that a woman should love a man.
Growing up, my friends always had celebrity women crushes but I never seemed to have a celebrity crush on a man. All of my crushes were on girls.
Holy crap.
I took a deep, shaky breath as I collapsed onto the ground and sat in the grass while I just continued to think.
Then Julia - oh, my God. I was absolutely completely in love with Julia. There was no denying that. She was gorgeous, inside and out, and whenever I was around her my heart pounded out of my chest and goosebumps rose on my skin. I knew it wasn't necessarily normal to think of your best friend like that, but I did, and I let it happen. Whenever I wasn't with her, I'd be thinking about her constantly. I thought that was normal.
What about Mason? I've been dating him for a little over five months but I've been forcing myself to do everything in our relationship. He's in love with me, no doubt about that, but I'm not sure if it's the other way around. I don't think I love him - in a romantic way. I didn't even feel anything when I kissed Grant. Absolutely nothing.
Tears lightly fell down my face. I needed to let this out, I needed to feel okay, I needed to cry and leave everything behind. But I know I couldn't leave it behind anymore. I had to face it.
I'm absolutely terrified.
I feel like I've put this all so far back into my mind that it's terrifying to finally pin point at it. I'm scared and I don't know what to do.
I sighed as I laid back into the soft grass and looked up at the sky. There weren't really any stars to be seen, but it was still nice to look at the dark navy color. It calmed me.
Someone lied down next to me and I didn't even bother to look over at who it was. Maybe they need some time to be calm just as much as I do.
"Thought I might find you here." Someone said. I knew that voice had to belong to May Parker.
I wiped my tears and sniffed my nose as I continued to look up at the sky. I didn't want to face her; not now.
"I'm gonna be honest with you." She began. My heart started thumping. "I was really nervous for you to meet Brooke. I mean, we've never talked about sexuality before - you know, new friends usually don't - but I was scared that you wouldn't accept me. And then when you ran off I started thinking that this was all too soon, you know? I'm already introducing you to my ex-girlfriend and letting you into my life."
I stayed quiet as I gulped.
"I was afraid that you wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore and that sucked because you're a great person. I wouldn't want to loose you over one simple thing."
I finally turned my head to face her and my insides went wild. She was so close to me; I could feel her breath on my shoulder.
"I didn't run away because of you," I spoke softly and took a deep breath, "I ran away because of me."
She furrowed her eyebrows together and I couldn't help but think that her face looked extremely cute when she was confused. Oh, God.
"I've - um..." I cleared my throat and tried to look anywhere but her eyes, but eventually I landed right back on her. "I've been trying to hide something from myself for a long time and, uh... It's just really hard."
Tears started falling out of my eyes slowly. I felt like my entire body was drained of tears and I was just letting out the last few. May sat up and picked me up as well while she hugged me. My head was on her shoulder and her hands were in my hair and on my back and I just felt tingles wherever she touched me.
I sighed into the hug and closed my eyes.
"You'll be okay." She soothed.
We just sat there, together, hugging for the longest time. She stroked my hair and made my heart flutter as I just sobbed into her shoulder. It felt amazing to be here with her. We were surrounded by people yet it felt like we were the only two in the world.
Eventually we pulled away and I wiped my face.
"Sorry," I chuckled lightly. "I'm a mess." My face was probably red and splotchy from all the crying.
She smiled and her eyes smiled too.
"I'm a mess, too, if it makes you feel better." She said. I sniffed my nose and dropped my hands from my face.
"Oh, be quiet." I laughed, "you're nowhere near a mess."
"Oh, yeah?" She challenged. We both smiled. "I'm such a mess that when I get upset with people I try to make them forgive me by doing them good deeds. And whenever I go to bed, I have to alternate between pillows every night." She grinned. "Also, when I try to curl my hair, I end up burning my head instead. And, also, I like to buy milk from a store but then accidentally spill it all over a girl named Ashley."
I laughed. It felt good to laugh - almost as if my face and mind could finally breath.
"That's barely a mess." I chuckled as I wiped the last of my tears.
"Oh, okay, sure." She narrowed her eyes. "How about you try and beat that?"
"Um, okay." I smiled. "I'm such a mess... that when I..." I couldn't think of anything that wasn't serious.
I'm such a mess that when I tell my boyfriend I love him, I don't really mean it. I'm such a mess that I decided it would be a good idea to kiss my best friend at a party because she was 'the hottest person in the room'. I'm such a mess that I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm such a mess that whenever I'm around you, May, my heart flutters so much and so fast I think I'm going to explode. I'm such a mess, period.
"Never mind, you beat me." I said quietly.
I didn't know a tear escaped my eye until May leaned forward to rub it with her thumb. My breath hitched and I'm nearly positive she heard me inhale a sharp breath.
"Sorry." She smiled and retracted back. "I just don't like to see you so sad."
I smiled faintly and looked right at her. She held her face strongly like a person who isn't afraid of anything. She was the kind of person that everyone wanted to meet - almost as if she were a celebrity. Her eyelashes were curled upwards and her eyebrows were perfectly shaped (she probably spent quite some time on them) and her dimple was showing, yet again.
"Oh, Ashley James." She smirked and shook her head, "what are you thinking about?"
I couldn't tell her that I was thinking about her, so I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders.
"Nothing in particular."
"Me too." She breathed. She looked at me with a grin that could only be described as a 'May Parker grin'. "So, Ashley, I want to get to know you." She smiled, "tell me about yourself."
I laughed lightly.
"Besides what you already know?"
"Oh, come on," she rolled her eyes, "I've only read chapter one, remember?"
"Oh, yeah." I smiled as I felt myself blush. "I remember."
"I'm almost done with chapter two, though." She beamed.
I smiled. My entire body seemed to light up with warmth. I've never felt warm before; you know, around a person.
"Alright," I shifted in my position so I faced her entirely, "well, for starters, my middle name is Blake."
"Ashley Blake James?"
"Yep," I popped the 'p' and smiled, "that's right." We both laughed. "Hmm, let's see... I don't like coffee but I love the smell of it... My favorite smell in the world is the salt air right next to the ocean, and I love the taste of hot honey on a Sunday morning."
"Only on a Sunday morning?" She questioned. I nodded my head and giggled. "Okay, go on."
"Um..." I titled my head and looked up at the sky to search for funny things about myself. "I don't usually eat fast food, but when I do, I always order a lemonade. But I never get lemonade at restaurants. And... I can't sleep with pants on because I get too hot; I don't like to wear rings... and my favorite subject in school is science." I smiled. Her whole body was leaned in and I knew she was listening to every word I was saying. "I want to be a marine biologist when I grow up."
"Wow." Her eyes lit up and her teeth appeared. "Why a marine biologist?"
"I don't know, I just like the beauty of animals underwater." I admitted.
"That sounds amazing." She spoke softly. "You really know what you want to do, huh?"
"I guess." I shrugged. "What about you? What do you want to be?"
May chuckled and shrugged her shoulders.
"I'm still trying to figure that out." She answered. There was a long pause as I allowed her to think. "I'd like to help people. Maybe I'll become a therapist or nurse or something."
"Yeah." I smiled, "I can see you doing that."
"Yeah?" She smiled. "I think I can too."
"What about you?" I rested my head into my hands and smiled faintly. All of this talking was making me feel so much better and I was so glad for it. "I want to get to know you, too."
"Okay," she laughed, "well, my middle name is Luna-"
May Luna Parker. I like it.
"-I have an older brother named Rico and two little dogs. They always act like cats, though, so we just call them cats. They're kind of useless, if you ask me." I laughed. "I used to have an obsession with tie-dying every white thing I could see. I'm really clumsy, but you know that already. I'm not that close with my mother anymore, but it's okay because my dad makes up for it. And, uh... I really like... hot chocolate with small marshmallows."
I nodded my head and smiled. Her face looked so flawless in the dark, just like it does in the daylight, but even more so right now. If I was ever in trouble and I saw her face, I'd go running towards her. She's the type of person that can save you from anything. The moon was shining on her and she just looked so elegant - like a model in a magazine.
I knew she knew that I was staring. She didn't seem to break the gaze, instead she stared right back at me. I smiled and watched her eyes light up as she smiled too.
Before I could comprehend what was going on, she leaned forward and planted a light kiss on my cheek.
I could've died right there. My body grew weak all of a sudden and my heart was beating as if I was running a race. My mind went into overdrive as goosebumps rose onto my bare skin.
Oh, my God.
May Parker just kissed my cheek and made my body go into some crazy sort of dreamland. I was on a whole different planet and I liked it.
She pulled away slowly and bit her lip in a smile. We were looking at each other and I felt like I was going to explode.
"Sorry." She breathed lightly. If I looked close enough, I could see her cheeks tint with a shade of pink.
"It's fine." I smiled. My entire face and body and mind felt like it was glowing.
I'm happy in this moment; right now... and I love it.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
What. The. Heck. Just. Happened?
I'm SCREAMING right now!! Is
anyone else screaming? Anyone?
Also, you're totally welcome for the cliffhanger in the last chapter leading up to this super (un)important encounter.... Hehe I'm so mean.
Dedication to @flxwerrchxldd because they were the first person to guess my favorite color: lavender! (I also really like peacock blue but no one guessed it, so...)
***I will be updating this book twice a week from now on! The two days are still to be determined, but for now it's looking like I'll be posting on Thursday and Sunday, so keep your eyes out!***
Also, I'm kind of having a serious writers block right now and I don't know what to do next. I've already written the next few chapters but I'm not in love with them... Any ideas on what you guys want to happen? Think of anything! It can inspire me to update on Thursday (instead of having you guys wait another week) and I can dedicate the next part to you!
Tell me what you want to happen next!
Also, happy National Coming Out Day!