"It's a bad day for rain..."
I knew his eyes were on me, understanding, but I couldn't dare look and see how much he picked me apart for how I'd been acting. The disappointment. The 'you were a fucking asshole' line. Ha... I couldn't dare see how broken I was in them.
What a damn fool I was to believe I was better. To even think I was prepared for a life at College. Honestly pathetic...
"Chance, it's not... oh." Life went all to shit again. Déjà vu. Could I pick it back up this time? Hold it steady till I died? "Yes... yes it is." Who knows?
A damn fool like me sunk another anchor and who'd know where else I'd find another. Someone with potential of understanding me, keeping me grounded like the ones I should be holding on dear to before I broke their patience again. But I doubted it – finding another anchor like Tori and Chris. Another guy I could hold and explore something other than strictly pleasure for the body. I doubted a guy would want a broken man – as I could call myself one. I pissed off my friends and family and certainly kept leaving Thomas in the dirt like he was dumb, mangy dog. Instead of being a boy, I was that dumb, mangy dog. Biting off the string I held dear to for reassurance I was ready. For reassurance I was comfortable, of a reason to live and I also kept digging my own grave = thinking I was in search of some bones to give me a smile.
Wow, fuck me. How could I fool myself so easily? No black and a muscular build could erase the little, cheery – but somewhat temperamental – boy of Arthur and Vera, brother of Tori and... and Shane. The little athletic nerd who loved his comics and games and archery. I couldn't erase all that I was, everything I loved because I was naïve and ignorant of all the things Anthony had done. Of all the things I had done since that day; giving my sister three scares, putting my best friend, practically the brother before me through more confusion and letting my parents argue over what they didn't know of their son.
Honestly... what a fool I am. There was a lot more to me than I thought. A lot more Oliver probably wouldn't be able to aid me with. And the only person I honestly believed who could listen but understand and help was the brother I took up a walk and talk with – he was more of a brother than Shane. And there shouldn't even be a reason to not say his name anymore. Not even Anthony's... because then they'd leave me intimidated and I couldn't sit back and watch how much they affected me when they weren't even around.
I shouldn't be scared to become a man like him or Shane, because I know what man I wanted to become. My friends and family were guiding me on that path and I walked away from it – being persuaded an all. Veering off into the forest and here I was getting back on that path.
There was no more reason to hide and continuously fall prey to depression. It damaged too much inside.
What a real bad day for rain...
Soothing how audible his laugh came in just now. "You could freeze to death at the rate this rain is coming." Man, how did he bring a smile when it rained? The mysteries of this boy.
"Maybe winter shouldn't be so fucked then."
"Yeah... but you can't always blame a season for doing its job."
"For doing it better than I did my own... yeah, I think I got a right to do so."
He left the winter air speaking. A good moment.
I mean, yeah, I couldn't blame a season for its job, but when it did better than I did my own, I think I got a right to complain. To feel jealous and envy how well in line it kept with itself while I jerked around too many times in these years. I got a right to complain, blame and feel jealous. Because these were things I put on myself. Letting the stress strain others when it was only supposed to bother me.
"I won't let myself be a burden in someone else's life," I said to myself once. And look how well I kept that promise. Was it too late to renew my vows?
His cough broke up my thoughts. "You know... I love you for doing this."
"Doing what?"
"Opening up to me," and I caught a faint play on his lips from the corner of my eyes. "You always feel like you can handle things by yourself, like that's what men do. No, that's what Anthony did because he's still a boy. He hasn't grown in the least – and I'm honestly just talking out my ass because who knows what the bastard's up to – but Chance... real men are honest with their feelings. They accept the emotions flooding them and they won't let it kill them either. Women won't die from theirs either. Real men are honest with what they need help with and become stronger for doing so."
Loved him for understanding. For trying. "Am I really a man for falling prey to depression? Am I really a man for making the same mistake three times?" Bentley. Jalen. Thomas. "How can I be a man when I'm broken and left with nothing to do because I don't know how to fix myself?"
"It's that kind of foolish talk that keeps you a damn fool for the rest of your life, living in the embrace of depression. You're doing it again without realizing it, your digging your own grave again."
Why was this so hard? "I just don't see how I'm a man. I'm just a mangy dog who can't deal with his own life." One hell of it.
I almost had to make him repeat himself with how low he replied. "Did you not let Tori in...? Did you not let us in...? Did you not ever get protective over Thomas...? And please tell me... did you not realize your own faults and choose to become a better you?" In turn he left me with no answers. There was no denying anything he said. I'd be right back at the bottom, somewhere in the jungle of the forest again if I did.
"So tell me... how a mangy dog can do that?" he asked. "Only a man can realize how fucked up his life is and keeps on living, piecing back the broken glass that he for sure thought couldn't fix before. What are you doing now? You can't just flip moods on me like that, man. That's not the man I know right now."
How Tori fell for a man like this, of course I knew why. For years I had and no wonder he stood by my side. Ever since we were kids. Growing up, going through problems and figuring things out on our own. Having a little fun together on some drunken nights – and in his own damn defence, he was drunk. But so was I and we could still accept it happened a few times. He knew me inside out and how could I not deny the truth I waited for myself to say?
The truth wasn't something to fear, but to live with. To move on with it no matter what bomb it laid in its wake. For all we knew, the truth could always be a rainbow in the sky. Or just music itself; good on occasion, bad on some days and downright mellow on other. No more cowardice. Not at something like this.
"I'm sure Thomas thinks of you as a man. A very mysterious man."
He once told me that. "Yeah." If I accepted it happened... that this was what I became because of it, then I'd feel comfortable. Then his ears could touch the story I'd been dying to tell him and my parents. Hopefully. But until then, that's what I remained to Thomas. A man, nonetheless.
"And you know, you could always come back to my bed and have a few drinks like old times." His shoulders bounced as he hid his face away and I couldn't help myself to punch the idiot in the arm.
Like old times. "Yeah, I'm sure you'd like that again, wouldn't you?" Those were the days... "Trying to break my poor sister's heart now?"
"She's trying to kill mine here! Being too damn sexy for her own good."
Was this how Tori felt when or even if Thomas talked me like that? "A little warning next time." Because if so... damn.
"What's so bad about me calling your sister sexy?"
"Because she's not."
In the cold air, his laugh could be warming. "You ass." How lucky I was for a guy like him and a sister like Tori in my life. "Now come on, mom wants me back home soon to help her with the Winter Festival and stuff."
Contempt in the silence, we pulled ourselves up, but before I even knew it, I was drawn into his arms. He almost made me lose my breath but just as I matched his grip, the fool thought it was fun to battle me for dominance. Now I could imagine how Thomas survived with Tori, like I survived with this dumbass.
As his arms let loose, his hands stopped short on my arms and he just smiled back. And his eyes reflected how wrong I was earlier. I was broken, yeah, but I could see the boy growing up as himself finally.
Depression sure never took its retirement just yet. Never even got tired of beating my sorry ass around all these years. And it makes me a damn fool to blame it for my actions. I pushed the edge of everyone who just cared. I kept everyone wondering except those who I told. My parents should've been first. They should've been first right after Tori. Thomas should've known. But like a fool, like a coward, I was too scared. Too uncomfortable. I feared what my parents would've said if they even knew I liked men instead of girls. Felt too uncomfortable telling Thomas who wouldn't understand, who would've thought I wasn't much of a man because of what happened.
How fucking ridiculous is that?
I couldn't even admit to mself but I realize I've been subconsciously thinking it. Just another reason why I'm a poor excuse of a man, pathetic in my own right. And I'm not just saying that because of depression, I'm saying it because it's true. I need to know that. I realized it. And I need to understand how to not be that kind of person, someone like Anthony. How did I even let myself be his shadow? I had my own life and ever since he did that... I've felt like I had to build a new one and this is where it got me.
Fucking hell...
This is where this life got me... I'm never going to stop saying I'm a fool until I'm not. I'm not going to stop saying I'm pathetic until I grow out of being one. And I promise myself I won't be anything like Anthony. I can't be. Not for my sister, my parents, Chris, my friends. Not for Thomas if I ever want to be the sort of man who loves and protects him because I love these people and I should love myself first.
But where the hell do I start? Where the hell do I even start?
I've thought about it... I've been thinking about for quite some time and could never bring myself to realize it might be the start.
I need to accept it. Yeah, I need to accept the fact it happened. I was there. Shane was there. Anthony was there... I accept... but will never forgive and forget... that I was raped. There's nothing else to say about that but it happened. I honestly think that's the first step here.
It happened. It just happened so fast but felt so slow and agonizing... it just happened.
I've heard sometimes the past builds your strength and I sure hope this builds mine. These muscles don't mean shit if my mind isn't on the same level. I don't even know what the hell the second step is but I'll find it somehow. I know that much.
Faint but audible, I turned at a creak from behind. My door laid open and in the doorway stood my mom. A smile on her I gave back I plugged out my earbuds. "How are you holding up?" she asked. But her eyes read something else. You could never look in a McClain's eyes and believe they're the same as they look.
Hers weren't blue, but they'd done the same thing as ours.
But all I replied with was, "Fine." Nothing more to say. But maybe that was it, when her smile faded. Her curiosity.
As much as she restrained herself by the looks of it, she couldn't bar it down any longer. "Mind if we take a walk? I have a lot to ask you and we both know your father." Didn't think she hit me with this so soon. At least I thought I'd have a little break to figure a few small details out but she was clearly like, fuck that. But instead of replying, I obliged, putting on my winter gear and strolled out with her down the street. No more damn cowardice, Chance. C'mon. "I'm not going to ask right away but, I just want to know what's wrong."
My soft breath lapsed in the air and I chose not to look at her face. Because I was still a damn fool. "Nothing."
"Chance, please. I'm your mother, I have a right to understand my own child." And she was damn right about that. But here I went again. Cowardice. "Arthur and I worry for you – we've always had but couldn't bother to ask. You know, he feels-"
"Disconnected. I know. You both do."
"And it gets frustration. Tori's closer to you than we are."
Guess I wasn't much a guy with words in something like this. "I'm sorry." I might've as well tattooed fool on my forehead.
"You can trust us, you know? You can be comfortable around us. We love you, we care for you, and we just want to understand what bothers you so much," she said. "Why do you hate Shane so much? You don't seem to like Anthony much anymore either."
Watching my breath lapse took my attention away and was all around calming to see. But there wasn't any way around this. She was my mother and she was right. But still... just not comfortable yet. "We all grew apart, that's all. And Shane just doesn't respect my boundaries."
Get it together. C'mon.
"I see," she said and in slipped the cold air and its whistles. A good moment going by as we furthered down the street and converged onto another. Course I was curious where we were going but lived in the time I spent with my mom – which wasn't much like with my dad. He and I could've had father-son Saturdays if it weren't for my fear of Shane. "So... when were you going to tell your father?"
"About what?"
"About Thomas."
"What?" I took a quick glance, her eyes on the visual spectacle that was winter in Clarence. "He knows about Thomas. He's practically Tori's real twin."
Hearing her chuckle through the air brought back simpler times of my childhood. Man. Life loved fucking things up. "But he never knew of you and Thomas. You were really comfortable around him." Her last words stopped me short on the sidewalk and a second later she did, too. Turning her body my way and stared with a smile on her face. "Mothers always know, right? And it's always the fathers who are clueless."
How... "Mom... I-"
"Son... if I cared so much about who you loved or slept with I wouldn't had no son at all, but I do." Wait... why did...? "Why? Because a mothers unconditional love is just that – unconditional. I won't stop being your mother, and I won't stop loving you. You may have given me grey hairs since the day you were born, but no matter how many times I may look it, I do love it because I do love kids. My kids." At this point, her arms were slowly embracing me. And I just looked back stunned. "It's clear something happened between you two... and it helps that Miranda can't keep your mouth shut half the time, ha, ha."
For a little while she knew... and for all my life I lived in cowardice, out of fear to tell her. Or even my dad, at that. And of course I was wrong about the circumstance yet again. "I'm sorry..."
She shook her head. "Don't apologize. I know some things in a young adult's life is too complicated... or uneasy that they can't share with their parents. I've been your age, I've been through that dilemma. Whenever you felt ready was whenever you felt comfortable. I wouldn't hate you if you told us on your deathbed. Mad, of course, but I'd still love you. You understand that, right?" Yeah... I understood. Enough that we warmed each other up in the cold. But just we continued walking, she asked one thing. "Just promise me one thing?"
"Yeah, sure." I could trust her. I always had and I should've done it. I should've told her and dad. But she figured it out all on her own – with a little help from Miranda.
Oh, man. It felt so easy accepting it in front of her, but nothing scared me more than the dread my heart felt in the moment.
"Never do weed ever again. I'd like to have my son be himself than let a substance change who he is." And she knew that, too. What else? I was starting to think my mom had some superpower I didn't know of. Or maybe the smell was just that strong even in the winter blaze.
Mothers, man. "I promise."
Further down the street we walked, coming across another and it hit my mind. The street bore familiarity and a couple houses down I noticed it. I looked at her first and she flashed a quick smile. "We haven't visited him in a while." Oliver's house. "Have you talked to him lately?"
"Uh, no. Not really." Like I would when I wasn't me.
Up the front steps and before his door, my mom knocked. A brief moment skipped by until he answered the door. Taken back, to say the least, but when his eyes studied us a few seconds later, he welcomed us in with a wide smile. But something else I read on his face – a bit of uneasiness. Especially when his eyes weren't on me and more so my mom. Had she talked to him lately? And why? Dad failed trying to get anything out of him and we made an agreement. Not unless I allowed him and I haven't. I wanted to do this on my alone. But, honestly, why did feel nervous?
"Where's little Olive?" mom asked, her scouring eyes around the place, us two following right behind Oliver as he guided us towards the living room. "And Alexis' not here either? What's going on Oliver? What do you do to those beauties?"
He chuckled. "Nothing." He eased himself down on the couch opposite of us. "Alex and Olive are out at a birthday. One of Olive's friends." That he was sure on by how nothing mustered his face then, but the minute his eyes landed on my mom again, quick shots on mine, the uneasiness showed more brightly.
I didn't get it.
Usually when I visited Oliver, we never went straight to couches in the living room. We either grabbed a cup of juice or something. Playing with Olivier or just watching something on the TV while we talked. Even when I came here with my mom and dad once. But this. Coming in and taking seats in the living without saying anything else was weird. Awkward, kind of.
"Are you okay, Oliver?" I asked. "You look nervous."
Silence took place briefly and I watched how his face corrected to mine and my mom's. More conflicted than ever. Then he broke the awkward silence, breathing out slow. "There's something you must know. And I admit I shouldn't have because we had an agreement – it's a fundamental law that no therapist is given right to disclose personal information of their patient to anyone else unless on the behalf of said patient – and I'm sorry." He said nothing more and let the silence take place again.
A silence in which a revelation hit hard as I slowly turned my head towards my mom whose face took up a lot of guilt. Her body matched the same feeling and I just stared at her. Jaw dropped and my mind racing. He didn't need to say anymore or say who he told because the answer sat beside me. And it pissed me off the same. I was supposed to tell her. I was supposed to accept what happened and accept myself and feel comfortable telling her and he went and did it for me when he wasn't supposed to!
Fuck, Oliver. "Why would you do that?" Who the hell gave him permission anyway?
"Chance, please..."
"No. Why the hell would you do that?!" While I was pissed and the atmosphere showed, Oliver was different. Unlike others, he never laid on fear. Awkward and uneasy, but no fear dawned him. He stood proud and accepting of his regret and wholeheartedly guilty of it. He didn't need to say anything for me to see that but he shouldn't have done it in the first place. That was my damn right! My damn story!
"Chance!"
"He wasn't supposed to tell you! He had no right!"
"Hey!" She rushed in before me now, in the fashion of Thomas. But her arms softly gripped my arms and her eyes, stern as hell, were on mine. "Don't go taking your anger out on him when I threatened to understand you. Look at that, a mother threatening someone else to understand their own child." God fucking dammit... "I was sick and tired of arguing with your father for the last time about your behaviour that I had to know! You don't fucking realize how hard it is to be a mother and look at her child going through problems and she's helpless; to be a wife who argues with her husband over their son because they don't know him. They can't even begin to understand why he hates his brother so much."
Why the hell was it such a bad day for rain...? Shit.
"Why didn't you come to us?! Why didn't you call the cops?!"
"Tori washed all the damn evidence. She didn't know." We were practically kids trying to be adults then. Fucking oblivious to the world – the real world. "How could I tell you guys... how could I tell you guys my own boyfriend and brother raped me...? How do I even tell someone that? Dad loves Shane so much he would've taken his side. He was your star back then and you both admired Anthony..." Just the first time Chris and Levy were all ears in, like Oliver. Never got much easier. "Every second of that day I remember... all the pain, I couldn't take it. Everyone's lucky Tori came home when she did."
I used to wish I could back and somehow stop her from coming back. Somehow do something and have her sleep over at Thomas'. Some days I wondered about it. Earlier today I had but... there were too many people I'd leave behind and I wasn't going to act like I never wanted a second with Thomas... Even right now, right here with her and Oliver I wished I died. Then I wouldn't have to build any confidence and courage to tell someone as disgusting as what they did.
It just never got any easier.
What was with this day and rain? My mom, Oliver. Me. I had a lot of rainstorms and nothing compared much to this. Nothing compared much too how the thunder boomed, or how the striking and fast the lightning was. God... if only there was one in my life.
But I guess, I mean... there was.
The rain soaked her shoulders. Two bolts of lightning clashed and the thunder shook us. Oliver watched with fascination when I opened my eyes, or what looked like it through how goggled my vision was. After all, he majored in psychology and this was a moment of it. The more I blinked, the harder my vision focused on his eyes. He truly never meant to tell and I understood, rather... knew how much my mom fought for this.
Dad, on the other hand... I don't know. "I won't tell him... but you have to."
"I know..."