"Kung ayaw mo pang magsalita, okay lang." He smiled at me then pat my head. "I don't want to rush you, pero... I just want you to know that you can trust me, okay? Palagi ko namang sinasabi sa'yo yun."
I look down where his hand covering mine. He squeezed my hand and, "May kukunin lang ako, wait here."
Hindi ko siya kilala, but he's so kind. He even let me use his room. At ni minsan hindi ako umaalis dito until he told me to do so. Hindi niya ko sinasaktan. Hindi niya... Well, he's really kind.
Sa loob ng six months na kinupkop niya ko dito, I don't even know anything about him. Alam ko na nagpakilala siya sakin pero hindi ko na matandaan yung pangalan niya. Something like... Zeny? Ben? Ken?
Nung una pa lang na dinala niya ko dito, I'm always trying to escape. But at the end of the day, palagi niya kong nahahanap. I even cut my wrists, pero ginagamot niya. Everytime na gusto ko nang patayin yung sarili ko, pinipigilan niya ko. Saying that I can still change. That I can be happy. Everything is gonna be alright.
But he doesn't know what I've been through. He doesn't know me. So wala siyang karapatan para pigilan ako sa kung anumang gusto ko. Wala siyang karapatan para sabihin sakin na mababago ko pa lahat. Na magiging masaya ako.
Because now, I'm nothing but a big despicable person.
I'm useless, and I have nothing.
When he came back, he hand me a white board and a marker. "Well, hindi ako maghuhula. At matagal ka na dito pero hindi ko pa alam yung pangalan mo. At least, kahit yung pangalan mo lang." He smiled at looked at me intently. "Go on. Write your name."
Should I write my name? Wala namang masama, pero...
"Dan...zelle." He whispered. "Your name's Danzelle." I turn to look at him, but his eyes are on the white board. He smiled and met my gaze. "What a nice name you have."
He offered his hand, "Nice meeting you, Danzelle. I'm Zedri."
Bago ko pa man abutin yung kamay niya, the door opened.
"Sinasabi ko na nga ba may kalokohan kang ginagawa Zedri eh!" A beautiful, young woman said. She glared at me and I look away. "Zedri! Who's this slut?!"
"Jeavy." Lumapit si Zendri sa kanya. "Bakit ka ba nandito? Akala ko ba aalis ka na? Wala akong ginagawang kalokohan, and she's not a slut. Watch your words, little brat."
I don't know who is she, pero palagi kong naririnig yung boses niya tuwing umaga sa labas. Simula nung dumating ako dito, hindi naman ako naki-socialize. Hindi nga ako nagsasalita eh. Magdamag lang ako sa kwarto niya. Kaya hindi namin kilala yung isa't-isa.
Nag-pout yung babae tapos tinignan na naman niya ko ng masama. "Eh sino siya? Anong ginagawa niyo sa loob mismo ng kwarto mo?" I can tell from her tone that she's into Zedri. Pero kahit ganon pa man, wala akong kinalaman at pakialam dito. Tumayo ako sa kama. Papasok na sana ako sa banyo nung magsalita si Zedri.
"She's Danzelle, a friend." I stopped when I heard him say, friend. "And I'm just helping her."
"Then what kind of help is that?" Hindi nako nakinig ng usapan nila kasi pumasok na ko sa loob ng banyo. I faced the mirror. I looked at the most stupid person living in the planet Earth.
She look so thin, pale skin, she has tired and red lifeless eyes, she even have dark circles under her eyes. And to cut the description short, I looked like a corpse.
I heard a knock at the door. Tapos binuksan yun ni Zedri. "Danzelle. I'm sorry sa nangyari kanina ha. Pasaway lang talaga si Jeavy, sa kabilang bahay lang kasi sila nakatira at araw-araw nagrarasyon siya ng almusal dito." I just looked down and didn't dare to speak.
"Sige lang, sa labas muna ako." Finally, he said. "I'm going to prepare some breakfast."
I decided to take a shower. Nagbihis din ako ng damit ni Zedri. Since yung damit kong pinaliguan ng dugo, tinapon na daw niya. I settle myself with his loose white t-shirt and long jogging pants. Hindi ko na sinuklay yung buhok ko. I just let it fall all over to my face as if I'm hiding from something, from someone.
Kahit na ilang beses sabihin ni Zedri na magiging safe ako, still, natatakot pa din ako. Kahit na nasa malayo na ko, kasa-kasama ko pa rin lahat-lahat ng kababuyan na ginawa nila sa buhay ko. I still have scars and wounds, I still have the memory of everything.
At kahit anong gawin ko, habang-buhay nang naka-stapler yun sa utak ko. My haunted past will always be at my side forever. No one, and nothing can ever change that.
Honestly? Kung ako yung tatanungin, I don't want to live anymore. And I'm dying to kill myself so that I can stop this bullshit. My fucked-up life. Kasi sabi nila, dying is peaceful. And I would give up myself just to have that. Dahil wala naman nang dahilan para mabuhay ako.
I'm just a fucked-up person na unti-unting kinakain ng nakaraan niya. Wala na kong dahilan para mabuhay pa. Why can't I just die and rot? Why can't I just run outside this house at magpasagasa sa highway? Kung mamamatay ako, makakatulong pa nga ako sa lumulobong populasyon ng Pilipinas.
Mabilis akong lumabas ng kwarto. Tinanggal na kasi ni Zedri yung lahat ng bagay sa kwarto na posibleng gamitin ko sa pagpapakamatay ko eh. So I have no choice but to go out.
Pumunta ako ng kusina pero wala si Zedri dun. Baka lumabas lang sandali. So I took the chance to grab some knife. Pero ayoko naman ng ganitong ka-brutal sa sarili ko. Gusto ko kung magpapakamatay ako, kaunting sakit lang yung mararamdaman ko.
'Yung saglitan lang. Instant. Hawak ko pa rin yung kutsilyo when I start to find some rope inside the cabinets. Pwede pa yun. At least---
"What do you think you're doing?" Bago pa man ako makalingon, hinila na ni Zedri yung kutsilyo sa kamay ko tapos hinawakan niya yung kamay ko. He looked at me starting from my hand, down to my feet. Making sure I diidn't hurt myself. "Danzelle! Will you stop doing this?" He exclaimed.
Tinanggal ko yung pagkakahawak ng kamay niya sa kamay ko tapos lumayo sa kanya. Head down, mouth shut. Ugh, he interfered again! Kung tutuusin, dapat hindi niya ko pinapakialaman. He should just let me die. Dapat hindi niya ko tinulungan. Because I'm nothing but a big burden for him.
"I thought we're done with this! Are you out of your mind?" Patuloy pa rin siya sa pagsigaw.
Yeah, maybe.
"Honestly, Danzelle? Killing yourself will solve nothing." He said. "Bakit ganito ka na naman? I thought you're done with this." Lumapit siya sakin and reached for my hand. "Whatever your problem is, just tell me. Why are you doing this, anyway? Tell me."
Because it's the best thing to do. I have to die.
I heard him sigh when he gets no response and hold my other hand. "Please, stop this. Don't you know how precious you are? Maybe you can't see it but I find you..." Then he let out a frustrated sigh, "Naiintindihan ko yung trauma mo, and whatever your reason is, I don't think you should kill yourself. I want to help you."
No, you can't. No one can help me. I'm so fucked-up. I deserve to die.
"Danzelle. Stop this. I won't let you die. I'll take care of you." Again, he kissed my forehead, "Please, don't you dare grab some kitchen knife again. Now let's eat."
Nasa kalagitnaan na siya ng pagkain niya. Ako? Nevermind.
"Eat." He said. But when he didn't see me touching my plate, he said, "Danzelle, I'm trying my very best just to be kind, now if you don't want my patience ran out and see how bad I can be, do as what I say. Eat." He said as-a-matter-of-factly.
I sighed and start to eat. And then, the silence takes place all over his house.
"Magaling na ba yung sugat mo?" I think he's referring to my left arm. When I glanced up at him, he's looking at me, and concern is evident in his eyes. I just nod and look down on my plate.
"Hindi na sumasakit?" He asked again. So I nod, again.
Since hindi ako nagsasalita, he's trying his best to ask me 'Yes or No' questions since he keep me as his company. Ganito palagi yung communication namin. Pero binigyan na niya ko ng white board at marker, I think he will ask me some 'What, who, where, when, why, how' questions later. But even if he do that, I won't tell him. One thing na kinatatamaran ko simula pagkabata ay ang pagsusulat.
Pagtapos kumain, pumasok na agad ako sa kwarto niya. He's off to work now, and I know what will happen next. Ipapabantay na naman niya ko sa matandang babae na yun. Na walang ginawa kundi magbasa at mangialam ng mga libro ni Zedri. Pag umaalis si Zedri, I'm always stuck with her.
"Don't worry, I know you're sick with her so she's not coming to look after you." He said. Napalingon naman ako sa kanya. Nasa pintuan siya banda. Somehow I feel relieved. Ibig sabihin--
"But that doesn't mean that I'm going to leave you here alone. My brother will look after you." He said. "He already knows about you, so he won't ask you anything. Babantayan ka lang niya."
What the? Mukha ba kong baby na hindi magawang maiwan sa bahay ng mag-isa at kailangan ko talaga ng babysitter? This is stupidity!
I grabbed my white board and write something on it, tapos hinarap ko sa kanya. Wag na. I can manage.
He smiled then shook his head, "Nandito na siya."
Ugh! Mas gugustuhin ko pang magpagala-gala sa kalsada kesa magkulong dito sa bahay na to! And take note, may babysitter pa ko. Oh come on, this is suicide. Lalayas na lang ako.
"Ash. Meet Danzelle. Ikaw na muna bahala sa kanya." Lumingon ulit ako sa kanya tapos may kasama na siya.
"Nice to meet you, Danzelle."
___
This chap is dedicated to mckenziekarlson :3
Ciao. KeepSafe!
~FORCiNGLAUGHTER01