(Note: I know this is bad. I wrote it more than 2 years ago and didn't want to have to rewrite it. But Every part after this is written now and is much better I promise!!!)
It'd been a month. 30 days. One day of denial, 29 of tearing his hair out in worry. Dean felt as if everything had stopped. He knew minutes, hours, days were passing but he couldn't feel them. It wasn't real. Not even good, ole reliable Sammy could reassure him.
Eventually a promise had to be made. Dean would not obsess or worry and in return Sam would actually focus on getting better.
He tried. He really did try. Cas' habit of flying off right when conversations got serious or god forbid emotional should have prepared him for his absence. Dean Winchester would not lose sleep over a damned ex-angel. He wouldn't stay up worrying about whether Cas got to eat that day or found a safe place to sleep. He definitely wouldn't scour the Internet for sightings or take long drives in the impala to ''think'' when one would point him to a nearby town.....
Well, he tried.
It's ridiculous and it's crazy but he couldn't stop thinking about it. What if Cas in all his newfound humanness, decided the Winchesters really weren't worth the trouble they cause? What if he thought Dean's baggage and give em hell attitude would poison his pureness? Castiel wasn't under heavens influence anymore. No, now he was 100% Cas, a fragile thirty something year old who's probably going through a huge existential crisis. He doesn't need two dropouts to help him get through it. Especially since their solution would most likely be to throw alcohol at it. It's stupid and unlike Cas but....what if he's right?
Dean sat quietly in the library of the bunker, like always. The desk lamp shone across his features and if Sam didn't know better he would have thought Dean ten years older by the lines etched into his face.
Sometimes he watched Sam read, while other times he would ignore his brothers attempts at a conversation and stare off in a corner before grumbling something incoherently and making his way to his room for the rest of the night. Tonight, Sam decided, dean wouldn't be doing either.
Sam really was fed up with the constant silence following his big brother. Of course he knew what the problem was so he couldn't plead ignorance....but given the delicate nature of the topic he didn't exactly know how to bring it up. Tired of all the tiptoeing Sam figured he might as well just jump right in. His eyes shifted uncomfortably while he took a deep breath through his mouth, "Look dean....you have to talk about it, man. I've been in your shoes and I'm here, uh, if you need me."
His eyes came to rest on the blank expression plastered to his brother's face, "You can glare at me all you like, I'm not intimidated."
"I don't need you to be intimidated. I need you to mind your own freaking business, okay?" Dean hissed in reply. Frankly his behavior was out of character but Sam didn't let that discourage him. He turned on his best puppy eyes and remained silent.
Dean continued after a beat, "I'm fine. Really." He replied much softer now. The pain was evident in his voice.
"You miss him."
"I-I..." There were no words to describe the feeling. Sam wouldn't believe him if he told him the truth anyways. "Yeah. Yeah Sammy, I really do."
It was a gruff answer but honestly this is the farthest Sam had ever gotten. He didn't know what to do next. What's worse is he couldn't get a thought that had been nagging him for the last couple days out of his head....
"Dean, you might want to consider the possibility that he might not come back...ever."
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It'd been a few hours since the exchange. Dean had hardly come out of his room let alone spoken to his brother. Sam typed away on his laptop hoping to pass some time so he wouldn't have to think of dean's horrified expression. It was well past midnight when he let out a strained sigh and decided to get some sleep.
Then there was a knock on the door.
First shy but then gradually becoming more insistent.
The knocks stopped as quickly as they appeared. It was almost eerie the way only Sam's footsteps could be heard throughout the bunker on his way to the front entrance.
Ah he would never forget the look he got when he opened the door fully prepared with the demon blade in his hand.
Sam was more relieved than surprised truthfully. Relieved that the source of all his brothers worry stood right in front of him on the bunker's very own porch.
"You do not understand the hell it's been without you here, man."
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It took a lot to lure Dean out of his cave but promises of a meal and beer helped. Though it didn't take long for Dean to figure out there actually wasn't any food. He realized when he walked into the kitchen and came face to face with the reason for all the guilt that's been closely following him the last month.
If Dean was into all the gushiness, he would've described it like a typical chick flick scene. Even though Dean Winchester was the farthest thing from lovey-dovey.... it was like someone had snapped their fingers and suddenly everything was right in the world. Just like that, the clocks started ticking again. Dean's heart once again beat. A weight lifted off his shoulders and his lungs filled with sweet air, slowly emptying the longer he stared.
But just to clarify...dean definitely was not into that crap at all.
"Dean."
Dean. Dean. Dean. Endlessly bouncing around in his head. He could see the chapped lips move to let out the syllable but couldn't make the connection. He was stuck with everything around him a blissful blur. Dean Winchester didn't know what to do next.
But suddenly he was enveloped by a familiar pair of arms. And dean realized he didn't need to know what to do anymore. He had never felt safer. Not with Sammy, or his father, or even in bed all those years ago when his mother would whisper angel stories in his ears at night.
He had never felt more at home.
"Cas, is that really you?" He could barely push the words out. Painfully simple, but what are you supposed to say to an ex heavenly creature who's been missing for, well, too damn long? Dean decided he could live with simple.
Dean was released from the hug but he grabbed bony wrists to keep the close proximity. His gaze was met by another of intense cobalt.
"Yes. It is me. I apologize for the delay."
There was a moment of silence before Dean broke into tired laughter. Castiel who looked so small in his ratty trench coat, Castiel whose hair was pointing in random directions, was sorry for the delay. Dean had unintentional tears in his eyes. He clapped his hand on his friends shoulder and shook his head at the look of bewilderment on his face. Dean couldn't believe it, the guy had bags underneath his eyes and was as thin as a rail, and he was apologizing! Still chuckling, Dean started to tell him it really was okay but stopped short.
Castiel who only looked like that because he had his grace stolen away.
Castiel who probably spent weeks scavenging for food and shelter because he was torn from heaven.
Cas, who wasn't an angel anymore.
Dean's hand slipped off the man's shoulder and his smile faltered.
Cas eyed dean warily. His facial changes were quick and he didn't quite know how to deal with the human emotions bubbling inside himself yet let alone Dean's. He looked to Sam for a cue, a hint, anything that would tell him what to do but he wasn't standing in the door way anymore. When Cas glanced back at dean the most apparent emotion was sadness.
"Dean? Is everything okay?"
It wasn't, not to Dean. Cas seemed okay, Sam was okay...he should've been so fucking happy but as quick as it came it passed through him and was gone again. Still hollow like he'd felt the last month.
Dean sucked it up as soon as he saw the concern on Cas' face. He smiled softly but this time it was different. Even Castiel noticed how it didn't reach his eyes.
"It's just so good to have you back, man. We have a lot to catch up on." Dean pulled Cas into the bunker library and paused, "Err do you want to get cleaned up first?"
"That would be optimal, thank you." Cas sighed very relieved but it was hard to tell from the awkward way he was holding his body. Sort of hunched over, like he was going to collapse at any moment. His eyes put up a brave facade though.
They made their way down the hallway into the room Dean had claimed as his own. Cas leaned wearily on the door frame and raised one of his brows. Any embarrassment at the current state of his room was lost when Cas suddenly slipped to the floor.
"Whoa Cas! Hey! You okay?" Dean pulled Cas up and immediately supported his weight.
"I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm just a little sore. I'm sorry." He replied in a raspy voice.
"Don't apologize for something that isn't your fault alright?" It was supposed to be light hearted, with a smile even, but it ended up sounding more serious than Dean had meant. The truth was, dean was already sick of hearing the word 'sorry' coming out of Cas' mouth.
Dean steadied his grip around Cas' torso, awkwardly clearing his throat when he saw castiel's eyes weakly scanning around the jumbled room.
"Well you wanted to get cleaned up so let me help you out with that." He walked with Cas across the room to the bathroom and carefully separated himself from Cas' barely stable body. "This is the shower, uh, there's some razors, scissors, whatever you need under the sink because you're not keeping that beard, *caveman*. Just leave your clothes in a pile and I'll scrounge up something for you to wear."
Cas was hesitant, but very sincere. "Thank you Dean. For everything."
"It's nothing. Yell if you need anything else." Dean stared at Cas' thin dirty face a moment before continuing, "I owe you one, man. I'm glad you're back."
He made his way back to the library with new energy in his step. Was he happy? He didn't know. But he did know he had a six pack in the fridge just begging to be cracked open.
Only except there was a very tall annoying brother standing in the way.
"Hand me a cold one, will yah?"
Sam gave him a steady look and showed no intention of moving.
"What, am I talking to a wall? C'mon Sammy good things are happening! Let's drink to it!" Dean enthused to a still stoic Sam.
"Tell me your head is in the right place."
"Scuse me?"
"I'm asking if it's possible that you might not be thinking straight."
"Because of Cas coming back? Don't be crazy....! I mean...its Cas! Guys done enough for us that I think we at least owe 'im a warm meal and bed."
"What's so special about him dean? I don't understand how you can let him in here when he's part of the reason heaven is on total lock down. I'm just saying that he could be a little unhinged. Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to welcome him into the bunker." Sam said with a huff and minimal eye contact.
Dean couldn't believe sam. Not help Cas? In what world would he leave a good friend out in the cold, alone and hurt? He didn't understand how they weren't on the same page.
"It's /Cas/. He might be missing some feathery parts but that doesn't lessen what he has done for us. Not in my book Sam." He said reaching around his brother to grab the case of beer out of the refrigerator. In a smooth practiced motion, dean had a bottle cap off and the glass to his lips.
"I'm making the right choice. Don't worry about me Sammy." He quietly said after his first beer was empty and he was moving to open his next one.
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Dean was tipsy but not at all hindered. He went back to his now steamy room wondered what was taking Cas so damn long. Dean left a pile of his old clothes at the foot of the bed for when Cas got out. He figured they were probably close to the same size. Dean tried to ignore the fact that he liked the idea of Cas wearing his clothes. He was just being helpful is all.
Dean had spent so much energy worrying about Cas that it wasn't going to be easy to shut off. Even now, with liquid courage, he still felt anxiety constricting his chest. The bathroom door was cracked and it would be so easy to take a quick peak inside. Cas could have fallen, Cas could have passed out, he reasoned. With a shrug of his shoulders he gently pushed the door open wider. He saw Cas palms against the wall with his back to dean, heaving like every breath was becoming harder and harder to take. He had these horrible jagged cuts surrounded by bruises across his shoulder blades. They looked like they were in the process of healing but would probably need some kind of treatment. Dean's eyes trailed down his back, a little lower....nope.
"I am not drunk enough for this." He muttered shaking his head and stumbling back out into his bedroom.
He wasn't gay. But sometimes he'd see a guy and couldn't help but think how hot they were. It usually took a few beers for him to even acknowledge the confusing attractions but he knew he wasn't gay. Dean Winchester loves women! He was just.....something.....and thinking about labels made him need more alcohol.
After chasing that six pack with a few too many glasses of whiskey, much to his brothers disapproval, he stumbled his way back to his room again. Cas was sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed in a ratty acdc shirt and dark plaid sleep pants. Did dean expect him to be naked? A little, I mean that's kinda how these things usually play out. Did dean want him to be naked? Again maybe, he didn't know. But he certainly was drunk enough now to entertain the idea.
Upon seeing dean stumble in Cas quickly stood up and took a few steps away from the bed. "I uh...thank you for the clothes. I know you don't have many...and I was in great need for a new set."
"Is no problm. Though I gotta say mgonna miss that trench coat. Looked good on yah. Man."
Cas thanked him again and gave him the all too familiar eye squint. So it was a little awkward. But they hadn't seen each other in over a month and so much shit had gone down that dean wasn't even surprised at the obvious detachment Cas was showing. And God, this human thing? Dean barely has a grip on his own freaking self so he could imagine how terrifying it would be for Cas.
Dean walked around to the left side of his bed. He always slept on the left and anyone could tell that because the other side had junk all over it. He sheepishly pulled yellowing books and crumbled papers off and stacked them on a nearby chair. Cas was still standing there like he didn't know what to do. Then it occurred to dean that he didn't know what to do either.
"I don't wanna scare you man I know you've just been though a lot but I thought that maybe we could uh...go over it. Catch up?" Dean patted the bed in invitation and shifted to be half sitting himself.
Cas slowly lowered onto the bed wincing, making dean remember what bad shape this poor guy was in.
"What would you like to know?"
"Everything, Cas."
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