I believe that I have one more chapter left! I'm still deciding on whether it's one more chapter left or two.
This book is closely coming to an end & I hope you guys liked it. It's my first book & I know it's not the best. I'll only improve over time.
So keep voting this book for the Wattys on twitter & Enjoy this chapter!
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"You might be
Looking for reasons,
But there are no
Reasons"
XXVI. Barbie Confession #3 - Part 2
The last bell of the day rang and I released the breathe I was holding. I sprung out of my seat and darted for the door. I felt so suffocated in that classroom with all the stares and whispers.
"Omg, is that the girl with the dead friend?"
"What if Heather actually killed her and framed it as a suicide?"
"Who was Alexandra?"
"Is she dead?"
All the whispers were giving me a headache. I couldn't stand a minute being in this school without wanting to break down and cry.
It's something I've been doing a lot lately.
The plus side was that I was passing my classes, so now I was eligible for graduation. Which meant that I was close to getting the hell out of this school.
Even though I declared that I'd move on from all of this and live in denial, I still feel this heavy burden on my chest.
Like i need to know something.
Or admit something.
I think I know what I need to do.
After placing all my unnecessary items in my locker, I grab my keys and head for my car parked in the school parking lot. I make my way over, of course with people staring, and get inside. I put the car in reverse and reverse out of the school as I continue driving until I reach the much needed destination. I drove into the cemetery and parked my car.
I inhaled and exhaled slowly as my fingers gripped the steering wheel. It was time that I did this and stopped being afraid.
I get out of the car and slam my door shut. There were people already here placing flowers for their beloved ones that unfortunately left them in their life. I keep walking until I reach the spot that's been calling my name for awhile. I stopped and took a big breathe as I stood in front of it.
Alexandra Malia Carson. 1998-2014. Rest in peace.
A tear escaped my eye, but i quickly wiped it away. I crouched down and cleared the dirt off her gravestone. It was hard to be here, but I know that I needed to be here. The last time I was here was almost a year ago.
It took almost a year for me to realize that I couldn't be scared anymore.
I sat down in the grass and stared at it for awhile. Being here and actually reading it makes me realize that it's going to be hard trying to live in denial. Its going to be hard to pretend that Alexandra isn't dead because the words were right in front of me now. I cried into my hands as I cupped my face, so people wouldn't see me cry.
10 minutes straight.
I cried for 10 minutes straight, non stop.
Suddenly, I felt a presence near me. I looked up and I was shocked to see who I saw.
Heather.
She was looking down on me with pure sympathy and grief in her eyes. I didn't even have the energy to curse her out, so instead I looked back down at the gravestone and stared at it with eyes that were void of any emotion.
"It.. it was 8th grade year.." Heather started speaking. My mind was telling me to stop her because I knew I couldn't bare with the truth, but I couldn't I was tired of running away from it. I was tired of being afraid of the truth. So instead, I sat there and listened.
"I'm pretty sure you already know what happens. You talk, I talk, bam, we become friends. I was so happy to finally have a friend. Crazy, right? Ms. Popular Heather Rose happy to have a friend? Everyone looks at me and thinks that something so little, wouldn't make a such a big difference to me, but it did. We eventually became close. I mean we were neighbors and all and we had a bunch of classes together. I thought of you like the sister I never had, but always wanted. Then you introduce me and Alexandra."
"I was ecstatic because I thought that now this is the time that I can make friends and come out of my little shell. Before I even moved here in the 8th grade, I was bullied. I had no friends. Everyone just thought of me as the weird girl that sat alone in the corner. My dad probably thought the same thing too. Maybe that's why he left me. After he left my mom would drink and sleep and do absolutely nothing, but just fucking drink and sleep. She was so drunk once that she slapped me across the face. I went to school with a swollen cheek and everyone laughed and said all these cruel names about me. I'd never forget the name pumpkin fuckface. My own 7th grade crush said that to me. The bullying got so bad that it turned physical."
"These girls would hit me and spit on me and call me worthless and every other name they could think of. That's when we move here and that brings me back to 8th grade. So, I meet Alexandra and I instantly love this girl. She's so lively and happy and would always make me laugh. She was very blunt and sometimes a little mean, but those things would never overlook how happy she could make you. Now here comes the part where everything changes."
"My mom meets this guy and I was so happy that she was smiling for once. I was happy to see her move on. She told me that we'd go over to their house and we'd meet him and his daughter. So, that's exactly what we end up doing. And that's where Alexandra comes back into this whole crazy situation. My mom's boyfriend's daughter was Alexandra. We were shocked to find out that we could potentially be sisters I guess you can say."
I looked at her in complete shock. "What?" W-why didn't I know about this?"
"Because Alexandra didn't want you to know. I'd ask her why and she said that it's best if we waited until everything was official."
"How the hell could you guys keep such a huge thing from me? I knew there was something up. You guys were never around and every time I came around, you'd change the subject."
"Alexandra said it was best. I trusted her."
"That still doesn't explain why you turned on us!" I screamed at her and she cringed.
"I-i'm getting there." She gulped before continuing. "So we kept it a secret. And we were pretty damn good at keeping it. Then one day everything changed. She didn't want to hang out with me anymore. She'd ignore me and talk to you. You guys made plans while I wasn't invited. I brushed it off because I just kept telling myself that I should be lucky to have friends in the first place. So we move in with Alexandra and her dad. My mom and her dad were practically in love. Alexandra would come home and look at me and walk straight to her room. No hi, no smile, nothing at all. I wondered what I did so wrong. I hated myself so much because I thought that I was ruining everything."
"I went to her room and knocked on her door. She wouldn't answer it, so I walked in myself to make sure she was alright. She was writing in some book or something, but at that time I paid no mind to that. I thought it was just some book, you know? She looked at me and slammed her book shut then stormed towards me until she was in my face. She started screaming at me about privacy and how much of an annoying bitch I was."
"I've never seen her so angry, so mean. But that wasnt the only time. She'd tell my mom things about me and my mom would punish me. It went as far as both of them yelling cruel things at me back and forth. But I continued to tell myself that this is what love felt like. This is their way of showing that they love and care for me. But then it was family picture day. We had found out that my mom and Alexandra's dad were officially getting married soon. They loved each other a lot. So, my mom said to me that we needed to take a picture."
"I was so happy that I finally had a real family, people that cared and loved for me. So as I started getting ready to take a picture, she handed me a camera and told me to take it." Tears started streaming down her face and as much as I wanted to comfort her, i just couldn't bring myself to do it. "So i took the fucking family photo of Alexandra, my mom, and her dad. The family picture I was supposed to be in, but instead I was behind the camera. I was the one who took the fucking photo. She took my mom away from me. The only person that I still had. She hated me for some unknown reason. It's like I wasn't even apart of them. It was like I was invisible. It was like my childhood all over again."
"It broke my heart so much that the girl that I thought of as a sister had so much hatred towards me for no reason at all."
"I don't believe you." I said, tearing up. "Alexandra could never do such things. She told me so much how she loved you and that even though you'd be mean to her, she still cared for you."
"Thats the thing! She fucking lied! And that brings me to where everything just messed up. She took you away from me too. She kept me out of anything and everything. I thought that since at home I felt alone and sad that maybe when I got to school, I'd feel happy with my friend! But she ruined that for me to. Its like she didn't want me to be happy wherever I was. I was so alone and hurt and broken and no one was there for me, Francesa! Not my mom, not Alexandra, not you!" She cried hysterically and deep down inside I honestly felt so bad.
"And this brings me to the final straw. I caught Alexandra's dad cheating on my mom. I didn't know what to do. I was so heartbroken for my mom, but at the same time, I was glad. I was glad because now we'd leave. And my mom would notice me and I'd be away from Alexandra. So, I wanted to tell my mom immediately. I wanted her to know that he messed up so we could get the hell out of there. I was better off with a drunk mom then living in that house full of people that didn't even love or care for me. Somehow Alexandra found out that i knew about her dad cheating on my mom. She stopped me from telling my mom. She said that if I told that I would be nothing but a worthless, selfish, bitch. She then said that I was just jealous because my mom was happy to have Alexandra. The daughter that she always wanted, but got stuck with me instead. She walked away with a victorious grin on her face."
"Those words hurt me so bad. It was like a slap to the face. I broke down crying in my room that night. Francesca you have no idea what I went through. Countless nights of cutting and crying myself to sleep." Her eyes were red and puffy from the crying. "So my mom finds out by herself that Alexandra's dad has been cheating. She was so heartbroken and that made me happy! It made me happy to see my own mother heartbroken because I was glad that she would feel the pain I felt every single fucking day! So we left them. We moved out and I never spoke to them again. I couldn't even look at you at school because I wanted to tell you everything, but I couldn't."
"Yes you could have! You could have told me what was going on and I would have been there!" I argued, but she shook her head and laughed humorlessly.
"Oh for fuck's sake, Francesa! You wouldn't have believed me. It was me over Alexandra, your best friend for years. You would have automatically trusted her and you know it!"
It hurts to admit that she's right.
"I stopped talking to both of you because I was done. I was fed up with everything and everyone. And as hard as this is to believe, when Emily finally moved here at the ending of 8th grade, I was so happy that she wanted to be friends with someone like me. We talked and for once I didn't feel alone. She told me so much stuff about how pretty I'd look being a blonde and how great cheekbones I had. It felt great to have someone notice things about you. It felt great to have someone to be there for you. I didn't want to lose her because I lost so many people in my life already. So I did everything she told me."
"I became what Alexandra always called me; a bitch. Freshman year of high school came and I was the Heather Rose. I was blonde and I had the nicest clothes all thanks to Emily. Everyone paid attention to me and I loved it. I had been ignored and unloved my whole life, so if becoming this bitchy person was going to get me the attention that I craved for, then I was willing to do it. Then I meet Olivia and everything falls into place. It was the three of us. All blondes, all pretty, all so perfect . So then I get this Idea. What if we became "the barbies"? And by the time 10th grade hit, that's exactly what we became."
"I strutted passed Alexandra with so much confidence. I could see the anger in her eyes, but I saw more intimidation in her. She was scared of me and I loved it. I loved that the girl I feared for years, was now afraid of me. We walked the halls like we owned it. Everyone loved us. Everyone wanted to be us and I was the leader. I craved for so much attention. It was like a drug. I was deprived from attention and love my whole life that I did whatever it takes to finally feel that again."
"I resorted to bullying. I bullied those that bullied me. Alexandra being one of them"
I cringed because I knew what was coming next. The bullying they did to Alexandra. It was bad. I wanted to run away so badly and forget all of this, but I couldn't.
"I loved when she begged for mercy. She never gave me mercy. She always said the right words that'd really hurt you. So, I threw them right back at her. Until she was crushed and broken like she did to me. I wanted revenge so badly. I thought about getting revenge on you for leaving me and not being there for me, but I decided, why not go for Alexandra. The one that caused it all. And if Alexandra was hurt, the you would be a little too. So I was winning after all."
"The plan was perfect. I was like the queen of the school. Everyone envied me. There was never a day where I wasn't in the spotlight. I loved every minute of it. By the time 11th grade hits, everything just gets better. For me, at least. Definitely not for Alexandra. I made sure that she felt the same way I felt for years. I wanted her to be broken and crushed like I was. And mission accomplished. But, I never wanted it to resort to her killing herself." She started crying.
"Francesa, I don't expect you to forgive me, but I'm so so sorry for everything. I never wanted any of this to end up like this. I- I was so hurt and so alone that I was willing to go to extreme measures just to fulfill that void in my life. Being a barbie felt like everything would be better. You're right. I did kill her." She cried hysterically. "She's gone because of me and I hate myself so much for it."
I found myself crying too. "H-Heather I don't blame you for killing her. I mean you didn't shove pills down her throat or stop her breathing. She did that all by herself. But I do blame you for the reason she did it. Do I forgive you? I will eventually, but I'm not ready yet. I'm so sorry that all of that happened to you. I never knew. Alexandra never came off as that type of person to me. I never imagined her doing such stuff, so hearing it now just hurts me as much as you're hurt."
"But I still can't bring myself to hate her. Cause I can't hate her. What she did was cruel, but that girl means a lot to me. You didn't deserve any of the shit that was given to you, Heather. I'm so sorry for everything."
"I'm so sorry for what I did. I really mean that. I wanted you to know everything. I'm getting help for myself and I'm trying to be better."
"Thats.. good, Heather." I stand up and dust off my jeans. "I- I gotta get home. My parents are probably worried sick about me."
She sniffed and wiped hear tears before standing up too. "Yea.. umm, okay. I'll see you tomorrow at school?"
"Bye." Is all I say before walking away towards my car. Tears kept coming down and I couldn't stop it. It was too much to process. The lies, the truth, the past, everything. Maybe Alexandra wasn't as innocent as I thought, but it doesn't matter because none of us are innocent. We all did things we regret.
We all made mistakes in the past.
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WOAH. this is probably my longest chapter yet.
Now you all know the truth.
Its crazyyy.
Very emotional chapter.
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