{{Dedicated to @kaylalxigh because her comments crack me up}}
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE
Rhea sat up in her bed with a groan. The garbled sound that had emanated from the back of her throat had little to do with how much she'd had to drink the night before and lots and lots to do with the events of said night, which started to flash before her eyes as soon as she'd opened them.
She needed moral support and she needed it now. Blindly reaching toward her nightstand, she located her phone and scrolled through her contacts.
A twenty second long phone call and fifteen minutes later, Willa was swinging open her bedroom door without bothering to knock and letting herself in and Rhea hadn't even moved a muscle since she'd thrown her phone in the direction of her extra pillow and plopped back down on the mattress.
She sat up against the headboard as Willa silently closed the door after herself. Looking her best friend up and down for the first time, Rhea realized she was in a tight black skirt that barely reached the middle of her thighs and an oversized T-shirt bearing the Celtics' logo. It wasn't an early afternoon attire and the T-shirt clearly didn't belong to her, which could only mean one thing—Willa hadn't made it home last night.
Her suspicions were confirmed when Willa gave her a raucous smirk and said, "I snuck out of Wade's bed to come over, so this better be good, considering he gets particularly creative with his mouth in the m—"
"Please!" she practically yelled the word. "Spare my virgin ears the details."
Willa continued to smirk at her for another second, but then her expression changed into her all-business look. "So, tell me."
"Caleb and I almost kissed last night."
"What?" The shriek that left Willa's mouth was so high pitched that Rhea could almost hear it echo inside her head a couple more times. "How? Where?"
"At Last Call. Caleb was there trying to drink himself into oblivion. Xander called me for help."
"The guy has so much on his plate, he deserves to party it up for one night, why would Xander need you to babysit?"
"Because he wasn't partying." She rubbed at her temples and let out a sigh. "He and Yasmine got into another fight, apparently." When Willa opened her mouth to ask the obvious, Rhea cut her off. "Before you ask, no, they didn't break up." After that, Rhea proceeded to tell her how Caleb had told her he knew she liked him and how, if it weren't for Yasmine, he could like her too.
"Okay..." Willa said cautiously. "How does a kiss fit into all this?"
"I don't even know. We were goofing around, we both had a couple of drinks in us. Him a lot more than me. It just sort of...happened, I guess?"
"Are you sure you didn't misinterpret the situation?"
Without a single word, Rhea got on her knees and crawled towards her best friend who was sitting cross-legged on the other side of the bed. She got all up in her face and recreated the moment from last night, complete with the way Caleb's gaze had flickered to her lips and the way he'd leaned toward her.
"Okay, yeah. That was definitely a near kiss. Now get away from my face, you're making me sexually confused." They both laughed as Rhea scrambled into her old spot on the bed and sat cross-legged, her posture mirroring Willa's. "I'm not surprised that he knew you like him though. I mean, he'd have to either be blind or stupid. Even your posture changes when he's around. You sit up straighter and you tune into his every movement. I'm pretty sure at this point you could draw him in great detail from memory. If your skills went beyond stick drawings, I mean."
"Very funny." She rolled her eyes to tell her how not funny she thought it was. "What about the kiss, though? And the comment about how he could like me? I'm sure you didn't see that coming."
"No, I really didn't. But then again, would you know he works nights to provide for his family? He's obviously a very private person and he knows how to bottle things up better than anyone."
"Yeah, I guess." She sighed. "So, what am I supposed to do?"
"I can't tell you that. As long he's still together with his girlfriend, your hands are as tied as they've ever been. You know what? You know I'm all for Team Caleb, but now that I think about it, last night was kind of a dick move on his part."
Rhea was curious to know the reasoning behind her friend's words, because she'd been having similar thoughts ever since last night that she was trying to suppress. "How come?"
"Think about it. He has a girlfriend. He knows you're into him. He still says stuff that messes with your head. And don't try to excuse him because I think we already established this year that being drunk doesn't warrant being a dickhead."
"I wasn't going to excuse him. All that's...sort of been on my mind too."
"So we hate him?"
"Today we do. Not for long though, because I think I kind of love him."
Willa's mouth fell open at her words. As much as Rhea had a lot of time to come to terms with the full extent of her feelings for Caleb, she hadn't opened up to anyone about it before, not even to her best friend. A moment later, Willa regained her composure and said, "Well, if this doesn't call for a day in with a ton of junk food and Netflix I don't know what does. You're going to have to lend me some sweatpants though...and a toothbrush, because it feels like death in my mouth."
"Yeah, no kidding. I kinda noticed when I went in for that kiss."
"Oh shut up, you loved it."
"Yeah, don't tell Wade." With that, they dissolved into easy laughter and it was a little bit easier for Rhea to deal with the tightness in her chest that seemed to be taking permanent residence there for a while now.
***
School was torture. Like knife in the gut, head in the water torture.
Interaction with Caleb was inevitable, conversation inescapable. She barely made it until the Chemistry lesson on Monday afternoon without seeing him and that costed her avoiding her locker during breaks and eating her home-made lunch in the library.
Maybe it was cowardly of her to avoid him, but she just didn't want to face whatever the hell had happened between them on Saturday night. Knowing Caleb, he'd want to clear the air, to talk it out and Rhea just didn't feel like she could handle any more soulmate-centered drama. So she hid out in the girl's bathroom right across the hall from Mr. Martin's class until the last minute and slid in the classroom just as he was about to close the door. This way, she could pretend to be focused on the lecture and once she'd managed to be out of her seat and the classroom before Caleb after class, she'd be out of the woods for the day.
She ignored Caleb's insistent looks as she sat down next to him. For the first time in what felt like ages, luck was on her side, because after taking attendance in record speed, Mr. Martin instantly launched into a lengthy lecture that didn't leave a single second to spare for idle chat between students—or a serious confrontation in Rhea's case. She pretended to jut down notes in her notebook, when in reality she was doodling in gibberish.
When the bell rang and she was the first to walk out of the door, she thought she'd done it, but as soon as she was out in the parking lot, she heard hurrying footsteps behind her that told her she wouldn't get off so easy.
Her worst fears were confirmed when she heard him call out, "Rhea, wait up."
She had no choice but to do as he said, all the while clutching the notebook she hadn't had the chance to place back in her backpack in her hurry to leave to her chest.
"Can we talk?" he asked, shoving both his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
"About what?" she asked warily.
"Saturday night."
"I don't think there's anything to talk about," she said, jutting her chin out and hoping she looked more confident than she felt. "You were drunk and I'd had a couple drinks too and it was midnight on New Year's Eve. All that pressure went to our heads. It doesn't mean anything."
Rhea was hoping he wouldn't acknowledge the stuff he'd said before that, so that they could chalk it up to a drunken black out and keep on pretending like he had no idea how she felt. That all went out the window when he asked, "What about before that?"
"Listen, I don't want to talk about it. Okay? Anything about that night, just drop it." Her best bet was a hasty retreat at this point, so she spun on her heels and made her way towards the usual spot Willa parked her car. She was in the car already and Rhea was pretty sure she'd witnessed the confrontation to some extent because as soon as she got in, she was shifting the car into gear and pulling out of the parking lot.
Two weeks passed by with tense silences and clipped conversations limited to the inside of Mr. Martin's classroom. Rhea was still trying to get used to this new dynamic between them, but the shift still felt constricting, rubbed her skin raw. She felt vulnerable and on edge all the time and she was hell bent on avoiding any contact with him that wasn't one hundred and twelve percent necessary. It was a defense mechanism more than anything, really. A mechanism she should have taken up a long time ago. However, he was too far under her skin by this point to be ripped off so easily and that's why she felt like clawing at her chest to get the feeling to ease up.
It was on Saturday morning, exactly two weeks after New Year's Eve that her defense mechanism came to a staggering halt.
She was in her room, trying—and failing—to distract herself with homework and loud, angry rock music when her mother poked her head inside and said, "Sweetie, there's someone at the door for you."
She went through a short list of people who could be at her door on a Saturday afternoon in her mind and she was okay with all but one.
When she descended the stairs and swung open the door, she came face to face with that single person she wasn't in the mood for or prepared to see.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, still not letting go of the doorknob as she contemplated whether she wanted to slam it shut and run back in side. The tension was palpable as she waited for his response.
"I brought you this," he answered, holding up something she hadn't notice at first glance.
"My scarf. I thought I'd lost it."
"You left it at Last Call on New Year's," he explained. "I picked it up."
"It's been two weeks. Couldn't you have brought it to me in school?"
"No, I couldn't. I've been holding on to it as an excuse to talk to you. I just... needed to clear some things up first."
"Have you?" she asked, trying her best to sound uninterested.
"It's...a long story." He was rubbing at the back of his neck again, something she'd come to identify as his nervous tic, which made her soften a little bit.
"I have time," she said, her voice having lost its previous edge a little bit.
"Okay."
"Look, before you say anything though... if this is about New Year's Eve, I told you there's nothing there to talk about."
"You and I both know that's not true. But...there are other things I want to tell you, too."
"Okay... Do you want to come inside? Maybe have something to drink?" she asked warily.
"No"—he shook his head briskly—"I just want to talk to you."
Rhea stepped onto the porch then and pulled the hoodie she was wearing tighter around herself. Caleb plopped down on the front steps with a sound that strikingly resembled the mixture of a whimper and a groan. Sighing heavily, Rhea sat next to him and gathered her legs close to her torso, wrapping her arms around her calves and resting her chin on her knees.
"I'm all ears," she said, turning her head to the side so her left cheek rested on her knees instead. This way, she had a view of Caleb's profile. She studied the side of the face she'd seen so many times. In all the times she'd sat next to him in class, during parties or at the library, she'd never seen such a crestfallen expression on his face. His eyes were trained on the ground, but from her angle, she could see them nonetheless. She could see the conflict in them, she could see how tired they looked. She could see the way they lacked their usual light and that the golden flecks seemed dimmer somehow.
Just as Rhea had begun to think that Caleb wasn't going to start talking anytime soon, he spoke up in a raspy voice. "My father dropped by the house today." He took long and deep breaths for a few moments to steady himself.
"Uh, how come?" Rhea asked cautiously. She'd only heard him mention his father a couple times and they were all in passing, and never involved any details so she didn't know the full story.
"He came to make amends."
"So, your parents are getting back together?" Rhea inquired, feeling a flicker of hope for the boy before her.
"No" –he let out a bitter laugh– "it's not like that. My father didn't just leave, Rhea. He cheated on my mother. I caught him with his secretary. I told my mom and she made him leave. Turns out, he left with his secretary. They are living together."
That was so much more intense than she'd thought and despite still feeling the need to keep her distance, her heart went out to him. "What did he want with you?"
"Like I said, he came to say he was sorry. He also brought divorce papers for mom to sign; apparently he is going to propose to his secretary, Melinda, or whatever the hell her name is. God, I just wanted to punch him in the face. He also offered to send money to us every month, because we're still his kids." His tone was laced with venom as he uttered those last words. "It's great that he finally remembered after two years. Anyway, we're not in the position to be proud and deny the money. So, there's that."
"That's...good, right?" she asked, unsure. "That he'll give you money, I mean. At least there's a bright side to it?"
"I guess, yeah. I hate that he thinks giving us money is going to make everything okay. But we could really use the money, so..."
"You'll quit your job?"
"Probably, yeah."
"How about college?"
"He isn't giving us that much. Maybe if I take a gap year and work, I might be able to afford it, since I'd get to save up the money. Or there are always student loans. I don't know, my head is all messed up right now."
"Well, that's still something. Have you told Yasmine? You guys could go to San Francisco together, or somewhere else, I don't know." The words felt acidic on her tongue and all the way down to her throat.
"Oh yeah there's also that... After my father left, Yasmine came over."
"Oh?" There was that goddamn stubborn flicker of hope that never failed to rear its head at any given mention of Yasmine.
"Yeah, we had the same talk all over again about how she wants to see the world. She said she feels like we're holding each other back. She said we barely saw each other as it was and she felt like I was with her out of a sense of responsibility. She said I made time for her out of obligation and it made her feel like a burden. Truthfully, I hadn't been able to spare time to see her in more than a week and I don't know, maybe I wasn't trying as hard anymore.
"It's not just that. Ever since she came back from that trip to San Francisco, we've been growing more and more distant and I think, in a way, I knew this was coming. I just—I thought we'd stay together until graduation."
"But didn't you tell her about your father?"
"I don't think it would have made a huge difference. She'd already made her decision and she chose not to fight for what we had. I don't know, in a way, I did too. I might have given up fighting before she did. I'd resigned to the fact that we'd be over as soon as we were out of high school. Yasmine and I...we were each other's first serious relationship. I guess we just weren't meant to be the last. Maybe fighting for her wasn't what I was meant to do."
The meaning behind those last words hung in the air between them as they stood still for a very long time, simply looking at each other. Finally, Caleb let out a shaky breath as his gaze dropped to her lips.
It would have been so easy to get lost in those words, to surrender herself completely to the intense look in his eyes. But somehow, despite always having felt like they were meant to be, this moment didn't feel anything close to being right to Rhea. So she took a deep breath to steady herself before she said, "You know, you were right two weeks ago at the bar when you said it wasn't right. But just because you and Yasmine finally decided to break things off, it doesn't mean it is right now. I don't want to be your rebound, or your consolation prize. Because that's what I've been feeling like for the past weeks. Whenever something is wrong with you and Yasmine, you run to me. And I'm not saying you do it on purpose or your reasons were anything but platonic, but it feels like shit anyway."
"That's fair. I was kind of a jerk on New Year's Eve. I blurted out some stuff and there's no point in chalking it up to drunkenness. But I swear I wasn't trying to take advantage of whatever...feelings you might have for me. I wasn't even aware of them for the most part."
Rhea didn't really want to ask the next question that burned at the tip of her tongue, but she needed to know the answer. "How long have you known?"
He winced slightly before he answered and from that simple gesture Rhea gathered she wouldn't like what she'd hear when he said, "A while."
The way he'd formulated his answer so vaguely told Rhea all she had to know. If he'd only recently found out, he'd have said so, which meant he'd known for weeks, maybe months even.
"Okay..." she drew in a heavy breath. "Okay," she repeated once again, trying to calm her frazzled nerves. "So what you're saying is, you've known I had feelings for you for a while and you still invited me to your Halloween get-together"—she spit out the last word with a lot more force than necessary—"so what? You could rub your happy relationship in my face?" Caleb opened his mouth to interfere but Rhea just raised her voice so she could talk over him. "And you kept coming to me with your relationship problems so you could continue to string me along?"
"No, Rhea I would never—"
"Please just leave," she whispered. He tried to say something again, but Rhea cut him off with another pained, barely audible "Please."
"Okay..." He got up from his place on the stairs and turned to leave. But after only taking a couple steps, he turned around and added, "You know, I meant the other part of my confession that night too."
In an alternate reality, I could like you too. It's just...I can't fight for Yasmine and want you at the same time.
Rhea could hear those words in her head exactly the way he'd uttered them, his voice low and barely above a whisper.
When she didn't respond or look up from her hands in her lap, Caleb called her name. She looked up reluctantly and he was holding out the scarf he'd been fidgeting with in his hands all through their conversation. "Your scarf," he murmured.
"Hold on to it a little bit longer," she said. Then she stood up and the last of her words were muttered above her shoulder as she headed back into the house, "while you figure out if it's me you want, or just my attention."
***
A/N: Hey guys!
Here's a slightly earlier update, which hopefully makes up for my absence these past weeks, I missed being on Wattpad and interacting with you guys.
VOTE and/or COMMENT to let me know if you like it!
By the way, I feel like I should give you fair warning, so here it is. There are no more than three chapters (and possibly an epilogue) left. Brace yourselves, guys. *hands out tissues and cookies to those in need*
May we meet again,
-Safiye.