August 25, 2022
As soon as the cabin is in sight, my heart is gunning and my knees are growing weak. Maybe this is a bad idea, what if I can't convince him? Perhaps this will just make everything worse. What if he--
"You know you'll regret it if you don't," Seth says softly, having turned off the car already.
Taking a deep breath I close my eyes, willing myself to cling to every ounce of courage left inside me before stepping out and shutting the car door with an echoing slam. The sound must have alerted people though, because instantly the cabin door is flying open and soon my friends are piling out, running towards me with looks of relief and of course, my ever lovely best friend walks up to me and I squeeze my eyes shut, preparing for the smack.
But, it doesn't come. Zoe simply envelopes me in a tight hug, crying into my shoulder and mumbling things about how I'm a jerk-butt for worrying her. Leah follows suit, not crying, but definitely fussing over me and latching on just as tightly. Hell, Charlie even comes over and squeezes the life out of me. It's while all my friends are surrounding me that I realize someone is missing.
My eyes flicker up briefly to catch the glimpse of Jace slipping away behind the main cabin towards the dock. Everyone seems to notice my frozen state and quickly release me, some heading inside, leaving me with just Zoe, Leah, Charlie and Seth.
"He was pretty worried," Zoe says with a sad note. "Probably didn't help that I yelled at him."
Leah nods and nudges Zoe with her hip, "Zoe did kind of rip him a new one, but you should go talk to him."
Charlie and Seth nod, but I just find myself freezing and staring towards the direction I saw him go in. My thoughts unable to focus on anything but Jace. Suddenly arms are on my shoulder though, and I'm blinking up at Seth, "You trust me right?"
I nod rather numbly, "Of course I do."
He grins and stands a little more proudly, "Good! Then go get 'em tiger!"
With that I am shoved in the proper direction, and this time I don't freeze up. My feet keep moving forward until I'm walking with determination and purpose, nearly breaking into a run. I have to do this now, and I can't let my fears hold me back. This is my last chance to make something of these past couple months of disaster. I won't let all that suffering on both our parts go to waste. We need to talk and face this and figure it the hell out. It's now or never.
I walk carefully through the dark trees towards the dock and when I break through the tree line, I'm greeted with one of the most beautiful sights I ever did see. With the moonlight now shimmering across the lake, I can see the silhouette that belongs to someone I recognize all too well, the white light giving him an almost heavenly glow in contrast to the black water ahead of him.
Slowly, I step purposefully, but quietly until I am only a few feet behind him. It's then that I stop, finally unsure of myself and second guessing what my next move should be. Do I speak? Do I walk up to him? Do I just confess? Do I get mad at him for everything? Do I--
"I really thought... Kai,I--" He doesn't finish his sentence, and I don't push him.
I just wait.
Eventually he turns to face me, moonlight creating a halo of light around him, "When you left, I snapped. I don't think I've ever been so scared in all my life. Your first attempt, the cancer, when you tried to cut me out, when you collapsed. None of that measured up, because I knew this time if I lost you it would be permanent."
I don't speak, because I don't know how to respond. My lips turn down in a saddened frown as I hold his gaze though, and in those eyes that I've looked into only a million and one times, I see something new to me. A true, and unashamed fear. A desperation uncloaked and bared naked before me. He's being more honest with me right now than I believe he has ever been since I met him that day in the rain.
"I couldn't stop imagining you hurting yourself, or crashing, or doing something worse. God, I imagined what it would be like to hear the news that you had died and I--Kai, I'm so, so damn sorry. It doesn't matter what you said, I shouldn't have hit you. I-I can't believe I did that, after... after all those promises to never hurt you and always be there for you. After all this time all you've tried to do is help me, and yeah you pushed me when I asked you not to, but I know you had good intentions, you always do, and dammit I am so sorry, Love. I-I--"
He doesn't get to finish, because tears are streaming down my cheeks, and I need to say what I have to say before I completely lose my resolve, "Stop. Jace, I know you're sorry. I'm not angry... Okay I am, but I don't want to talk about that. I know why you did it, I know it had a lot more to do with jasper than I care to believe, and I just want to leave that alone for now. I came back here for another reason."
He furrows his brow and shakes his head at me, "If you didn't come back to tell me off, then why are you here?"
My eyes meet his, and his meet mine. For an instant, I feel something in my heart spark. Once, twice, thrice. A heat sending shivers through my body as I merely stare into those magnificent pools of blue. "I came back, because I refuse to give up on you. I'm done lying, I'm done pretending friendship is enough, I'm done with all this back and forth, and I'm done running from this--from us. Jace, I... I love you. I don't mean infatuation, or admiration, and it's not even the remainder of how I felt for you. This is something completely new, and it's scared me all this time, and I tried to ignore it and pretend it wasn't real, but I just can't anymore. I didn't know the new you, but I got to know him, and do you know what?"
"What?" He whispers through his tears, lower lip trembling as he bites down on it.
"I fell in love with him. You. All over again," I say clearly and as heart felt as I possibly can. "I'm in love with you. So, stupidly in love with you. Now, I know you have Jasper, but in all honesty, I just don't care any more. I miss you, and I love you, and I want you back. All I want in my life is you, Jace. You're all I've ever wanted and I don't want to sit back and hope and pray that for some reason you want me just as much. I'm done waiting, I just can't do it. I came back, because I want to ask you to choose me. Jasper... he's just not right! He hurts you, and don't you dare deny it because I've seen it, and others have seen it, and it's so wrong because you deserve so much better, and I want to give you better. So, please... let me."
He shakes his head, practically sobbing as he takes a step back, "You don't mean that, Kai. You don--"
"Don't tell me how I feel, Jacen," I say sternly, willing my tears away so I can say this as strongly as I need to. "We're done playing games. Give me one good reason that I can't work around, for why you would be better off with him."
"I get sick a lot, and need help with a lot of things. I'd just be a burden," He spits, but I can almost hear Jasper speaking through him.
I shake my head, echoing words of long ago, "I don't care. I promise I'll take care of you."
He scoffs and shakes his head, "Kai, you don't want me. You deserve new love, someone who can give you everything that you need. I've hurt you, and left you, and--"
"And, you showed me the good side of the world! You showed me I have purpose! You showed me love like I've never seen! Hell, you saved my life! Not once, not twice , but three times. You jumped into a river to save my stupid ass. You got me to a hospital after my attempt and you sat through nearly a month of therapy helping me get past my depression, my eating disorder, my alcohol problems. Jesus, if you hadn't of been there I'd never have opened up about my father and gotten that all off my chest. Then... Yeah, you left me. You broke my fucking heart. Tore it to shreds in fact, but I realize now that it was for the best. I learned how to be self-sufficient. I learned to become strong as an individual, and to live for not just you, but simply because I wanted to. I want you, Jace, because to be honest, I don't think there's anyone quite like you."
He smiles sadly at that and shakes his head, "Stop quoting me, it's not fair. Kai, I did all those things, but that's not me anymore. I try, but I don't know how to be that Jace anymore. I can't be the strong one, because I'm the broken one this time. Okay? There. I said it. I'm sad, and I tried to move on from you to Jasper, and yeah I developed feelings for him, but he was never you. He and I work, because he keeps me in my place and I--"
"There is no place for you to be kept in!" I exclaim angrily. "He has you so manipulated, and I hate it! Jace, you are beautiful, and intelligent, and brave, and strong, and loving, and warm, and funny, and god do I love you. I don't care what lies he's filled your head with these past six years. I'll spend the rest of my life making you forget all of them and I swear to you I won't leave this damn earth until you see how damn precious you are to me and to everyone around you."
I sigh, feeling the anger deflating from me as tears keep cascading from his eyes. Pulling my sleeve over my hand I swipe at them gently, but it proves pointless because they keep falling, and with them, the rain begins to fall around us.
"What about Daisy?" He whispers, making a bashful smile light up my face.
"We're over. It's complicated, but I'll explain it... just not right now," I respond, and he seems to accept that. "Jace, I tried so hard to move on. I searched high and low all these years for anyone who could make me feel half as alive as you did--do... and it's impossible. You're it for me, and if you say no, I'll accept that, because at least I can say I tried. But, just know, you're the only one I'm ever going to love this way. I don't want to be in love if it's not with you."
A sob escapes him as he lifts his shaking hands and places them one either side of my face, "I broke all my promises to you... how could I possibly still deserve you?"
I shake my head, stepping a little closer, smiling warmly at him, "Not all of them. There's still one... and if you just tell me you'll stay with me, there's no way you can't keep it."
He knows what I mean, because I can see the hope in his eyes as he chokes on a cute little laugh. Even with his cheeks pink and tear stained, lips red from being bitten and his eyes glistening with un-shed tears... he is the most radiant being I've ever seen when he smiles that wondrous crooked smile.
"You truly mean all this?" He says, looking suddenly unsure of himself. "Kai, I don't want you to regret anything in the future. You have a chance now to leave this all behind and live a life with someone better--"
"Jace, I want you and only you," I whisper, hardly audible above the sound of the rain, but I know he hears me.
"Why do this for me? I'm just... me," He nearly whimpers, caught at a crossroad I found myself at so long ago.
I shrug as my hands gently grasp the sides of his waist, "I do it because you're you, and I am so in love with you. I'm done running, I'm done pretending... I just want to reach happier days, and when I picture them, you're there next to me. I just need one little word from you to make it happen. Just one. Say it, and I promise I'll make you the happiest you've ever been."
He's silent for such a long time, and yet I don't mind as we stand here in each other's arms, being rained upon. With his eyes locked on mine, and his warm presence so near, I couldn't be more content. It's as he finally opens his mouth to speak, that I feel all the air leave me and tears well up in my eyes, finally falling.
...
"I love you so much."
I shake my head, smiling through my tears as I pull his body close to mine, "Does that mean what I think it does?"
He laughs through another sob and nods, and I can't help but let out a sob of relief as I pull him impossibly close, pressing our lips together at last and kissing him like my life depends on it. Before I know it, we are wrapped up in each other, holding the other as tightly as we can, pulling apart every now and then only when our lungs demand it.
I'm freezing, and wet, and my heart is pounding and my lungs ache, but I have never been so happy and comfortable in my life. In his arms; Jace's arms. Loving him, and finally being loved back. No more complications, no more heart break. We're finally us, and I am honestly happier than I can ever remember being.
We finally pull away, and I can't seem to shut up, "Don't you ever leave me again. I love you so much, Jace. I don't ever want to be without you again, you hear? Promise me."
He nods frantically kissing along my jaw and neck, sending wonderful shivers throughout my body, "I promise, Baby. I'm yours, forever and always."
I grab his face in my hands and look so deeply into his lovely eyes, "This is it. No more running, no more lies and games. We're a team, we help each other and stay together. I love you, you love me."
Again he nods, smiling so happily at me, "And, I do. I love you."
With that, he crushes his lips to mine , nearly knocking the air right out of my lungs. But I don't even mind. Take it. Take my heart, my soul, my life too. They belong to you anyway, Jace. They always have.
"Please, let me take you inside."
I don't respond--well, to be honest I find I can't-- as those all too familiar words bless my ears. I simply nod, feeling one final joyous tear slip as I press my lips to Jace's and allow him to pull me away from the dock and up toward the cabin's.
***
As we lay in bed the following morning, wrapped up in each other, I can't help but think back to everything we've been through. Our love has survived so much, too much almost, and it astounds me that in the end, Fate managed to bring us back together regardless of all the obstacles that got in the way.
"It's amazing you know," Jace says softly, cheek pressed against the top of my head as I snuggle closer to his bare chest.
"What is?" I mumble sleepily.
His arms tighten slightly, "We were brought together under the strangest of circumstances and even torn apart, yet here we are together again. I can't help but feel like it was just... meant to be... like it's--"
"Fate?" I chuckle. "I've been thinking the same. I just... I know we're not quite in the clear, there will still be problems for us to overcome, but I'm too happy to care, you know? I have you and that's all that seems to matter any more."
He doesn't say anything, and I begin to turn to ask him why he became so silent, but I'm suddenly flipped onto my back and being kissed softly. A chuckle escapes me, and soon my laughter infects him and I can feel his breath tickle my lips as he lets out a sweet laugh as well. "I love you."
"I love you more."
His lips trail down my jaw, my neck, all the way to my chest. "What? Didn't get enough last night?"
He smirks and shakes his head, "Never."
Just then, the cabin door bursts open, and Jace and I are scrambling to cover ourselves. Our faces beet red and brows furrowed in frustration, we turn to the girls who have thought it perfectly fine to just let themselves in. Standing there like children caught with their hand in the cookie jar are none other than: Zoe, Leah, Lucy and Daisy.
"Oops," Zoe chuckles awkwardly as Leah smacks her arm. "Smooth one short stop."
"Hey! I'm not--"
I clear my throat to shut them up, and it surely does that, "Mind telling me what the hell you want? And why you're in here?"
The eyes flicker between Jace and I, and then to Daisy, and then back to us and that's when I realize the disaster that's just become of this morning.
"Is it just me, or did things just get really awkward in here?" Lucy says with a little snicker, and Leah's arm around her waist does not go unnoticed.
Leah goes to open her mouth, confusion clear on her face, but Zoe quickly slaps a hand over her mouth, "Just came to make sure all is well... uhm, breakfast is in half an hour!"
With that, she drags Leah and Lucy out of the room, leaving Daisy standing there with a blank expression as she takes in the sight. I can feel Jace's embarrassment and awkwardness, so I decide to speak first, but the moment I open my mouth, Daisy lifts a hand to hush me.
"You don't need to apologize, Kai," She says wit ha small smile. "I'm happy for you two."
"Daisy... I don't know what to say," Jace says, guilt clear as day.
I close my eyes, knowing what's about to come, but really really not wanting to have to do it.
Daisy isn't about to let me out of this one though, "There's nothing to be said, Jace. Right, Kai?"
I sigh, hoping that what I'm about to say won't make my happiness short lived. "Jace... there's something you should know. That I probably should have told you sooner."
He looks confused as Daisy nods and I look away in embarrassment, "What do you mean?"
"Daisy and I... were never really together."
"What? Wait... No, yeah, what?"
I sigh and scrub at my face in frustration, "Look, I told you I tried for years to move on from you. To find someone, anyone. It just wasn't happening and I was so tired of everyone giving me a hard time about my love life, so... "
"So," Daisy takes over, thank goodness. "When Kai and I ran into each other again just over a year ago now, we became friends over our similar dilemmas. His; worried and over bearing friends. Mine; homophobic parents. I'm not exactly into men, and Kai is so gay it hurts, I don't really know how anyone could have believed we were together in the first place."
"Thanks." I deadpan.
She smiles, "We hung out so much in fact people started asking questions. We thought about denying the rumours, but that's when the idea came up. It was the perfect opportunity to get people off both our backs. So, we played it up for a while and finally, a couple weeks before your reappearance, made it official and told people we were together. I love Kai, that much is true, but it's platonic love. I... I have my eyes set on someone else, and it's quite clear that he does as well."
"Your saying... it was fake all along? So... that day we walked in on you with Zoe?" Jace says slowly, taking in all this ridiculous information.
"I had had my sort of girlfriend over and Zoe had walked in on us kissing and thought I'd been cheating on Kai."
"Don't be upset with Zoe for not telling you!" I exclaim suddenly. "I made her swear not to tell. I didn't want to hide any of this from you, but I mean, I never in my life thought I'd have to when I first agreed to do it. Then when you did show up, I didn't know how! I was embarrassed. I was-"
"Kai--"
"I'm sorry I hid it from you, I get it if you're mad--"
"Kai!"
I look up in surprise, seeing a small smile on his lips, "I'm not mad. Okay? A little confused, but I'm not mad."
"I'll let you guys talk, I'm going to take off," Daisy says with a happy smile.
"You don't need to leave, " I say, feeling guilty all over again.
She shakes her head though, smile never leaving, "It's alright, if we're basically announcing our break up it'd make sense for me to leave. Besides, I told Sam about you and Jace getting back together last night and she invited me to come over for a couple nights."
I smile, "Turn around so I can put some pants on and come hug you."
She chuckles and does so, waiting for me to get up and tug on my jeans from last night which are somewhat damp still, before I walk over and turn her around, pulling her in for a hug, "Thanks for everything, Dai. Really."
"Oh, enough, you mushy dork," She laughs. "I'll see you around, yeah? Maybe we can do a double date."
Jace and I agree and happily wave goodbye as she walks out. With that, I turn back to Jace, unsure of what to do now. He just smiles at me though and motions for me to return to the bed, so I do.
"You're really not mad?" I ask as I tuck myself into his warm side.
"I'm really not. I'm actually happy that Daisy didn't end up hurt by all this, no matter how weird your situation was, it turned okay and that's all I care about, " He says with a content sigh as he snuggles into me.
"I'm glad, I was worried," I say, and after a while I think of something that I don't really want to ask, but I know I need to. "What will you say to Jasper?"
He's silent for a long time, holding onto me rather tightly, before finally he answers with unmistakable nervousness, "The truth. That I'm sorry things didn't work out, but I just can't be with him when my heart wants another. But..."
"Yes?" I whisper, pressing a kiss to his forehead.
"Would you... come with me?" He asks so quietly I almost don't hear him.
I nod, wrapping him up in my arms, hoping to make him feel as safe as possible, "Of course, Love. I'd come regardless. There's no way I'm letting him ever hurt you again."
He buries his face in my chest, sniffling quietly, "Thank you, Kai."
"I'd do anything for you," I say, smiling down at him, happy he finally trusts me enough to be open with me. "Don't you know that by now?"
He chuckles and nods, pecking my lips before pulling away and getting up to dress himself, "Last one to the kitchen has to explain everything to Leah."
My eyes widen as I nearly trip out of bed, shouting after a laughing Jace as he dashes out of the cabin. That sly, adorable, little dork. God, I love this man.
But, sorry Love. I like living, so you're totally dealing with the wrath of Leah!
~Shay<3