[Just want to share a part of me.]
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Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me...
Whenever I hear this song I remember one particular guy. I undoubtedly loved him with all of me. I even saw myself spending the rest of my life with him. Yung tipong kahit maputi na ang aming buhok at uugod-ugod na kami ay magkasama pa rin kami, magkahawak kamay na nagkukwentuhan habang pinanunuod namin ang aming mga apo na masayang naghahabulan sa aming malawak na hardin.
I don't usually get smitten by my opposite sex, kahit pa sabihing ubod ito ng gwapo. But, this particular guy, ewan ko ba hindi naman siya kagwapuhan pero nakuha niya ang atensyon ko even without trying.
Sa unang pagkakataon nakaramdam ako ng kakaibang kaba, kasabay ng pag-iinit ng aking mga pisngi ng magtama ang aming mga mata. For the first time in history, I was rendered speechless in front of a guy. Daig ko pa ang namaligno, as in. Bigla tuloy akong naguluhan kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin. Mula ng araw na una kaming magkita ay naging laman na siya ng isip ko. Feeling ko nga, nagtayo na siya ng tent sa utak ko para dun magkampo. Para din akong timang na laging nag-aabang sa pagtunog ng messase alert tone ng cellphone ko. Sa pagsapit naman ng gabi bago ako matulog ay siya ang huling laman ng isip ko. Pati sa panaginip, jusme, hindi siya nagpapigil, siya pa rin ang bida. Ang end result, pagmulat ng mga mata ko sa umaga siya na agad ang unang papasok sa utak ko. Feeling ko daig ko pa ang nakulam. Kundi man ay nagayuma. Muntikan na tuloy akong magpatawas sa albularyo.
Gawd, I'm not used to this weird feeling. Hindi ako sanay na may isang lalaking gumugulo sa sistema ko. Buti na lang di na ako umabot pa sa puntong... Di na ako makakain at makatulog. Lalong lalo na ang magkapimples, hahaha!!! Oh my gulay! I can't imagined myself having pimples just because of a guy. Kung nagkataon pagtatawanan ako ng mga nakakakilala sa akin.
Ano nga ba itong nangyayaring ito sa akin?
Is this love at first sight?
I don't think so. Hindi kase ako naniniwala sa kasabihang yan ( kung kasabihan man yan, hehehe!). O, di vah! Bonggang bonggang denial queen ang peg ng lola ninyo. Di ko matanggap na maiinlababo ako sa kanya. Por dios por santo, wala ni isa man sa mga standards ko ang na-meet niya.
Ano-ano ba yung mga standards na yun? Well...
1. Ang gusto ko ay yung matanda sa akin ng 2-3 years.
2. Dapat isa siyang civil engineer.
3. Most importantly, yung wala na akong magiging byenan.
Alam ko may magtataas ng kilay sa pangatlong requirement ko. I know I'm weird. Well, that's who I am. Weird, funny, caring...o, mamya sabihin ninyo nagbubuhat na ako ng sarili kong bangko kaya, titigil na ako. No, seriously ang tagal kong nakipag-away sa sarili ko, until...
Oh. Em. Gee!!! I'm inlove!!!
Paano nangyari?
He won my attention the moment I witnessed how he cared for his sick mom. That gesture alone melted my heart. To hell with my standards!
Curious na ba kayo kung sino itong lalaking nagtagumpay na guluhin ang tahimik kong mundo?
He's name is Emmanuel. Manny to his family and friends. But for me, he will always be my PERA. He was the first guy whom I entrusted my heart. The very first man I gave permission to invade my comfort zone. The only man I allowed to be part of my life.
I still recall that day when I finally gave him my committment. That was February 15, 2009.
After ten days of being officially together he went onboard to work (international cruise ship). It wasn't easy. I honestly didn't know how to handle the relationship. Everything is new to me. So, I just let him be. Kung hindi siya ang tatawag, magtetext or magcha-chat, hindi kami magkakausap. Ganon ang naging set up namin for ten months he's been away.
Hindi naging madali ang lahat para sa amin. Hindi madaling magmaintain ng isang long distance relationship. Minsan may mga pagkakataon na hindi sapat na alam ninyong mahal ninyo ang isa't isa. Luckily we managed to survive our first year.
Nasa pangalawang taon na namin ng mawalan kami ng komunikasyon. I didn't know what happened. Wala kaming ano mang pinag-awayan. Basta isang araw narealized ko na lang na hindi na pala kami nag-uusap. Nagising ako isang araw na tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung may boyfriend pa ba ako. The funny thing is, ganon din ang tanong niya sa kanyang sarili. He even thought I've already found someone to replace him in my heart. Kalokah! Sarap niyang batukan.
Pag-uwi niya para magbakasyon, I decided to call it quits. Nagsisimula na akong kainin ng mga insecurities sa relasyon namin. I wanted to protect myself from the possible heartaches. Kaya sabi ko sa sarili ko, uunahan ko na siya. Sadly, he agreed, just like that. Sakit di ba? Pero kwidaw...ang haba ng hair ng lola ninyo, dahil after three days, he called. He asked me if I can spare him even just a bit of my busy schedule. He wanted to talk. Ang may pagkadry kong jowa, nagrequest kung pwede daw ba kaming mag-usap. Dahil mahaba ang hair ko, pinagbigyan ko ang lolo ninyo.
We sorted things out. We agreed to make things work the way they should be. We had a heart to heart talk. We laid all our cards. This time kahit na bumalik na siya sa trabaho, mas panatag ako. Naging mas matatag yung committment namin sa isa't isa. Mas lumaki yung tiwala namin na kahit magkalayo kami malalampasan namin ang lahat dahil mahal namin ang isa't isa.
Pero minsan dumarating pa rin talaga ang mga pagkakataon na gustong gusto ko ng bumitaw. On his part may mga oras din na gusto na rin niyang isuko na lang ang kung anong meron kami. But, we managed to make our relationship worked despite and inspite of all the odds we've been through...
January last year, was the happiest moments we had. The next ten months went smoothly. We had our regular communications. Naging very vocal kami sa mga nararamdaman namin. Until, I saw that stupid picture on his (facebook) wall. My invisible antennae went haywire. Call me stupid for letting that damned picture affects our relationship. But, my intuition never fails me. Naapektuhanan man ako sa nakita ko, I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. I asked him about that woman, but he chose not to answer me. Mula nung araw na tinanong ko siya hindi na kami nagkaroon ng katahimikan. Everytime we tried to talk we always ended up fighting.
Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you
Then, came that fateful day (November 20, 2012), when I decided to end our relationship.
Oh I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
Bakit ako nakipaghiwalay?
I decided to set him free not because I've fallen out of love. Hindi rin dahil sa hinala ko na bukod sa akin ay meron pang iba. I loved him then, I love him still.
May mga pagkakataon lang talaga na kailangan nating gumawa ng isang desisyon at pumili kung ano ang iyong paninindigan. I chose to let him go even if it kills me. I chose to end the relationship while we still care about and love each other than to end it after we hate each other.
Baby, it’s never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye…
Hays, hirap mainlove. Hindi lang masakit sa puso, masakit din sa ulo. I may be a broken hearted girl, but it didn't make me a cynic about love.
Masarap magmahal at mahalin. It is one of the wondrous feeling in the world.
Mararanasan mong tumawa, umiyak, mainis, malungkot, matakot, magalit, masaktan...lahat lahat na.
Still, hindi man naging happy ever after ang ending ng aming love story, wala akong pinagsisisihan. For almost four years we've been together, alam ko na minahal niya ako sa paraang alam niya.
Maybe, we are not just really meant for each other. Or, maybe we are just both too proud to admit to ourselves that we still care and love each other. Who knows?
Well, I just hope he would be happy and contented right now.
And maybe, just maybe...someday when fate allows our paths to cross again I could say to myself... This is the man whom I set free because I love him deeply.
Isla
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