#JustTheBenefits
Kabanata 25
Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nagawang matapos ang gabing iyon. Pakiramdam ko hindi na iyon matatapos. I have never felt this tired in my entire life. Para bang naubos ang lakas ko sa bawat pagtulo ng luha ko... at parang pinapatay ang puso ko ng paulit-ulit habang nakikita ko kung paano ko nasasaktan si Parker.
But I asked one simple thing. Ang gusto ko lang naman na malaman ay kung sino si Bianca Agustin. Hindi ko naman inakala na sobrang hirap pala sagutin ng tanong na iyon... Na mas pipiliin niya na matapos kaming dalawa, na mapunta sa wala lahat ng pinagsamahan namin dahil sa isang babae na ni minsan ay hindi ko pa nakikita.
Sa isang iglap, wala lahat.
That night, I cried myself to sleep. Hindi na ako pumasok kahapon at sa tingin ko, hindi na lang din ako papasok ngayon. Ayokong makita ang kahit na sino; ayokong makausap ang kahit na sino. Gusto ko lang mapag-isa... gusto ko lang damhin lahat ng sakit kasi umaasa ako na baka masanay ako... Na baka isang araw, magising ako na wala na akong nararamdaman.
Didn't they say to embrace the pain until it hurts no more?
Pakiramdam ko, wala na akong luha para iiyak pa. Buong linggo lang akong nasa loob ng townhouse. Ilang beses akong sinubukan na tawagan ni Mari pero hindi ko sinasagot ang tawag niya... Ang tanging nakausap ko lang ay ang Papa ko na tinanong ako kung kailan ako gagraduate. Mabuti na lang at naalala ko na may plano pa nga pala ako sa buhay. Na hindi pa pala sira lahat.
Come Monday, I was forced to go back to the real world. Hindi naman kasi maaari na iwasan ko na lang ang lahat. Mabuti na lang talaga at magkaibang bloc kami ni Parker kaya mas maliit ang tyansa na magkasalubong kami sa campus.
Pagdating ko sa room, ang unang nabungaran ko ay si Shiloah. Wala si Candy sa pwesto niya. Laking pasasalamat ko naman dahil wala pa ako sa tamang huwisyo para magpanggap na wala akong alam sa mga kalokohan niya.
Nung makita ako ni Shiloah, agad niya akong kinausap.
"I'm okay," I told him though I wasn't so sure myself. Ni hindi nga ako makakain ng maayos ng hindi naiiyak. Sobrang emotional ko. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan magtatagal 'to.
Pero hindi siya sumagot dahil kahit naman ako ay hindi kumbinsido sa sagot ko. It was a lie that both of us knew. I appreciate that he didn't ask any more questions because I wasn't in the mood to feed him lies. Umupo na lang ako sa pwesto ko at tahimik na naghintay sa pagdating ng professor namin.
"I'm fine," I assured him again dahil nararamdaman ko ang pagtingin niya sa akin. "Ayos lang ako," I repeated.
He didn't say a word but it was obvious he didn't buy it.
Ilang sandali pa at dumating na ang professor namin. Hindi ko sinasadya na mapansin na wala si Carl at Candy. Bigla na namang uminit ang ulo ko nung maisip ko kung ano ang mga possible nilang ginagawa. How could they fathom doing such things? Masaya ba talaga manloko ng kapwa? Makakaramdam ba sila ng satisfaction kapag may nasasaktan sila?
Does it really feel that good?
"I have two good news," panimula ng prof namin. My head shot up. I definitely could use some good news in my life. Life's been a train wreck for the past few weeks because of Parker... It was a constant darkness and now that I have finally freed myself from his shackles, it still didn't feel as good as I thought it would. Instead of being relieved, I had this hollow inside my chest that only him could fulfill. How cruel of life. "Which one do you want to hear first?"
Most of my classmates rolled their eyes. Pareho lang naman kasing good news so would it matter kung ano ang uunahin niya?
"Since the university week turned out to be one of the most successful event of the univ in record, the administration decided to give a reward to the best booth..." he said and none of us reacted. "And congratulations to the group of Ms. Harrison. Your group has been opted to go to Davao for a 3 days, 2 nights trip. All expense paid."
What? Anong Davao?!
"Now, get a sheet of paper and write an essay about Karl Marx's..." I wasn't able to comprehend what my prof just said. Pupunta kami sa Davao? Hindi ko masyadong naintindihan kung ano ang mga sinabi niya.
Hindi ako nakatiis at kinalabit ko si Shiloah na tahimik na nagsasagot ng essay niya. Lumabas ang professor namin kaya naman walang nagbabantay sa amin. "Ano'ng sabi kanina?"
"What?" he said.
"Iyong may Davao na nabanggit. Ano ulit 'yun?"
"Pupunta tayo sa Davao next week."
"Lahat? Pwede ba na hindi sumama?" I asked. I can't be around them. I'll just drag them down with me.
Umiling siya. "You'll have fun. You need fun. You look so stressed," sabi niya. Mukhang magtatanong siya kung ano ang nangyari sa akin nitong mga nakaraang araw. Ayokong pag-usapan iyon. I was trying to avoid the topic so I quickly thanked him and wrote my own essay.
Mabilis lang akong natapos sa ginawa ko dahil kabisado ko na lahat ng ginawa ni Marx. I've been studying him since I could remember. Mabilis kong ipinasa ang papel ko at lumabas ng room. But as I was preparing to go find a place to eat my food, nagulat ako dahil nakita ko si Parker na naghihintay sa akin.
Hindi ako nakagalaw agad.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko.
Ilang segundo lang kaming nakatayo pareho, hindi nagsasalita. It's been almost a week since I last saw him. Gusto ko siyang hawakan pero alam ko na hindi dapat. Tapos na kami. Wala na kaming dapat pag-usapan pa.
I gathered all the courage I have and tried to walk pass him. Ni hindi ko pa natatapos ang isang hakbang ko nung hawakan niya ako sa braso.
"Imo," he called my name and my knees buckled.
"Ano?" I tried to sound as cold as I could be. I needed to freeze my heart. Ayoko na tunawin niya na naman ako tapos bigla niya akong iiwan... I can't afford to be left behind again. Ilang beses niya na itong ginawa sa akin. I was done playing his game. I was done having my heart toyed.
Tinignan niya ako at napaiwas ako ng tingin. Those stares will really be the death of me.
"Lunch?" he asked.
"May klase pa ako mamaya. Hindi ako pwedeng umalis at magpakalayo-layo para lang sa lunch," sagot ko sa kanya. I didn't even like how I sound. Sobrang sama ko sa pandinig ko pero kailangan ko 'tong gawin. Ako lang ang pwedeng prumotekta sa puso ko mula sa kanya.
"Let's eat here."
Agad na napakunot ang noo ko. "What?" tanong ko. Buong isang taon na magkasama kami, ni minsan hindi niya ako inaya na sabay kaming kumain.
"Please? Imo, I really miss you."
Huminga ako nang malalim. Isang linggo kaming hindi nagkita at hindi ko alam kung ano ang ginawa niya sa mga panahon na hindi kami magkasama pero wala na ako roon. When I decided to end things with him, I was serious. I can't get hurt by the same thing over and over again.
"Parker, hindi mo ako makakalimutan kung palagi kang babalik. Tapos na tayo, okay? Konting distansya naman," pakiusap ko sa kanya.
"But I don't want to forget you, Imo. I don't want to and I can't. I'm still in love with you."
My heart raced inside my chest with his declaration. I wanted to give in and to stop fighting but I knew it would just be another heartbreak waiting to happen.
So instead I smiled at him. "No," I mouthed as I walked away from him. Pumunta ako sa dating kinakainan ko at tahimik na naupo roon. Bigla na naman akong binagabag ni Parker. Ano ba ang gusto niya? Kung kailan pinakawalan ko na siya para matapos niya na kung anuman ang mayroon siya at iyong Bianca Agustin na iyon, at saka naman siya balik ng balik.
I was nearly done with my sandwich nung makita ko si Shiloah na papunta sa akin.
"Okay lang?" he asked and I nodded. Umupo siya sa tabi ko. "Wala ka last week."
I nodded.
"May trabaho ako," sabi niya.
"Ha?"
"Gusto mo akong samahan?" he asked me and I just furrowed my eyebrow. "Kakanta ako mamaya." Recognition flashed through my face. Naalala ko na kung ano iyong sinasabi niya. "Do you have any request?"
Umiling ako. "I'm happy for you. Congratulations."
Tahimik lang kaming naupo roon ni Shiloah. I liked our silence. Walang nagsasalita. Mas gusto ko lang kasing manahimik ngayon. And I really couldn't be anywhere near Shiloah dahil may dinadala ako na lihim mula sa kanya... Para kasing sobrang sama ko. I can't be his friend hanggang nagsisinungaling ako. I wouldn't deserve his kindness. He was so kind to me and yet I was lying to his face. The burden of guilt will forever be on my back.
"Kamusta kayo ni Candy?" I managed to ask.
He shrugged.
"Okay naman kayo?"
He nodded. I smiled.
"At least one of us is happy."
"Hindi ka ba masaya?" he asked me and I slowly shook my head.
"But I'm fine," I lied. "I'm going to be fine..."
Nakatingin lang kami sa isa't-isa. Alam ko na marami pang gustong sabihin si Shiloah pero mas pinili niya na 'wag na lang sabihin. I was grateful that he was respecting my silence. Hindi pa kasi ako handang pag-usapan. Maybe someday... but definitely not now.
Bumalik na kami sa room matapos naming kumain. Nagklase lang kami. Mabuti na lang at papalapit na ang exams kaya magiging busy na naman ako sa pag-aaral. I'd go crazy kung si Parker lang ang palagi kong iisipin. I needed to build a world where he doesn't exist.
When our classes were done, inayos ko lang ang gamit ko. Uuwi lang ako agad sa bahay. Hindi ko rin alam ang gagawin ko. Gusto ko na gawin na lang ang trabaho ko kay Shiloah dahil almost two weeks din akong hindi nakapamili dahil sa sprain ko... Maybe this was the time to go out.
Paglabas ko ng room, nakita ko na naman si Parker. Napabuntong-hininga ako.
"Ano?"
"Ihahatid na kita."
I sighed. Napatingin sa amin iyong iba kong classmates. Sino nga ba naman ang hindi mapapatingin? Si Parker Yapchengco, nasa labas ng room namin. Iyong captain ng soccer team na walang kinakausap bukod sa mga kaibigan niya, nandito sa labas ng room namin. Siguro sobrang landi na ng tingin sa akin ng mga tao. Nung una, si Quin. Ngayon, si Parker. I must have built a pretty irking reputation by now.
"Bakit mo ba ako kinakausap? 'Di ba ayaw mo na makita tayo in public? Ano ba ang nangyayari sa 'yo?"
His face was void of any emotion but I could see pain in his eyes. He was still hurting... I was, too, but we need to stop this. Dapat na kaming tumigil kung ayaw namin na may masaktan pa.
"What's the use of protecting you if in the process, I'll lose you?"
Kumunot lalo ang noo ko. Hindi ko maintindihan ang mga sinasabi niya.
Kinuha niya ang bag ko at binuhat niya. "Have dinner with me," he pleaded. He was looking at me like he really wanted me to say yes. I knew I shouldn't.
"No," I answered, firm.
"Imo, please..."
Umiling ako. "No, Parker. Ayoko na. I meant every word I said no matter how it pained the both of us." Kinuha ko iyong mga gamit ko mula sa kanya. "We're done. Please respect my decision."
He looked at me intently. "Then respect my decision, too."
"What?"
"I won't stop, Imo. I won't stop until you're mine again. I know I messed up but I think I'm entitled for another chance. I'm still so in love with you."
Every word was like a stab deep in my heart. It was so unfair of him to tell me that he loves me when all he did is to hurt me over and over again.
"What about Bianca?" I asked him. It was out issue. She was the one who ruined us, what we could have been.
He reached for my hand. Gusto kong bawiin pero hindi ko magawa.
"I'll tell you everything about her... just go to dinner with me... please."
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Gusto kong sumama sa kanya at bigyan siya ng pagkakataon para ipaliwanag lahat ng mga nangyari. But a part of me would always be scared. He hurt me so many times that I can't entrust him with my heart. Not anymore.
And then I saw Shiloah leaving the room.
"I'll be watching Shiloah tonight. Sorry, Parker," I said as I took my hand away from his grasp. "I really just can't anymore."
And then I left him and went to Shiloah.