Warnings: mentions of rape, drug use, and self-harm.
Please be safe!
...
February 26th, 2015
Harry started to fit into the little group of misfits that he had encountered on his first day. Niall had even started to talk to him, which, according to Louis, was a big deal.
It made Harry happy that he was fitting in and had a small group of people that helped him.
Something still was not clicking with him, though. He was still so, so unhappy. Obviously, he had just been thrown into a new place with new people and a new routine - but there was something else that was keeping him on edge. He had not been able to score in a while, it was making him crazy. He was going through withdrawals and it was killing him. He felt like his skin was on fire and crawling.
Harry talked to one of the other patients about it and they told him they would be able to score some drugs for him. The thought of being able to feel that high again was already giving him a buzz.
...
February 27th, 2015.
Fuck my life.
I cannot take it in here much longer, I cannot. I am not fucking crazy, why am I here? I do not fit in. I am not quiet enough to be a mute like Liam. I do not have social anxiety like Niall. I do not have an eating disorder like Louis.
Do not get me wrong, I am not saying I want one, but come on. They cannot help their disorders; they deserve to be here to get better. Everything that is wrong with me is something I did to myself and I need to fix it by myself.
I am just so frustrated. I asked one of the lower risk guys to get me something - anything to give me a buzz, and he is supposed to be back soon. Hopefully, that will hold me over until I can convince everyone I'm fine enough to go home.
Ha, if I even still have one.
Hopefully no next time, H. x
...
There was a light knock on Harry's door, followed by two harder knocks and Harry almost screamed in relief, knowing that was the guy that promised some drugs.
"Thank you so much, fuck, I owe you."
"Yeah, you do." He said sternly, pushing Harry back into his room. His eyes widened and he started to freak out, trying his best to push the larger man off him. "Keep fighting it, doll face. It just makes it more fun for me."
"Mate, please. I don't... w-what if we get caught? We could get in so much trouble," Luke just laughed and grabbed Harry by the throat. Fuck, he wanted to strangle Harry so badly.
That was what Luke used to do when he was on the streets. No matter how much payment he received, he would always want more. Some bloke told on him, but he plead guilty due to mental insanity or defect. The jury was apparently very forgiving that day because Luke was sentenced to serve out his sentence here instead of in prison, where he belonged. But Luke had missed this rush. He missed the sensation of forcing someone down, overpowering them in every way possible. And when they would scream? It was better than an orgasm to him. It was a God sent treat just for him.
Having Harry under him, completely and utterly powerless... damn. It was good. And the orgasm he had was even better. It went unnoticed to Luke (or he just did not care), but Harry was silent during the assault. Like he was used to it. Harry shut his mouth, stared straight up at the ceiling and pretended to be somewhere else. It was like he had done this before like it was perfectly rehearsed in his head.
Exactly thirty-seven minutes later, Harry was alone, blood dripping down his leg. Small bruises everywhere and tear tracks on his cheeks. Knowing he could not be seen like this; he quickly limped his way to the bathroom down the hall.
There was no getting around it, he had to go wash off and he would have to pass Louis' room, and Lord knows the others were in there with him. It is not that he has been avoiding them on purpose, he just could not be social now with his current state of mind. Especially now that he was just violated by one of the other patients. With a shaky breath, Harry quickly walked by, letting out a sigh of relief when he got to the bathroom unnoticed. He put the water on in the showers and scrubbed his whole body, still shaking violently.
After what felt like hours, Harry dressed and disposed of the stained clothes, hoping the nurses would not notice. The walk back to his room was easier, and he still went unnoticed until he got back into his room, exactly two minutes before his nurse would come in, which gave him enough time to clean his bed, grab his journal and black pen, and lay down by the window.
"Hey Harry, you doing okay?" Harry's nurse, Sharon, asked slowly, hoping Harry was in one of his calm moods instead of his usual manic stage. She was met with a blank stare and empty eyes. A small sigh fell, "I have your medicine," Harry shook his head, "Harry, you need to take it. They'll take you to solitary if you don't."
Harry bit his lip, looking up at her. He took his medicine with a grimace, gulping the water immediately after.
"Thank you, Harry. I know it is a pain, but it is gonna help you get better. I promise." Sharon smiled at him, patting his shoulder. "I think you have some visitors, as well." She motioned towards the door.
Liam gave a shy wave, stepping aside so Niall and Louis could enter the room.
"Hey, H. Thought we'd come to brighten up your day a little bit." Louis smiled, pulling out a deck of cards from behind his back. "Go fish?"
Harry let out a little chuckle, then nodded and scooted over on his bed. He debated for a second whether to tell Louis what had happened, but he barely knew the boy - he could not just dump his problems on him when Harry was sure Louis had problems of his own.
...
February's 28th, 2015
"I'm not crazy," Harry whispered; his eyes almost pitch black as tears fell from them. "I'm not crazy! Please do not put me by myself, please. I've been alone my whole life." Sharon put her arms around Harry, who immediately started crying into her chest. "I'm not a bad person. I'm not crazy." He kept the last two sentences on repeat as he sobbed.
Everyone looked on at the scene in front of them, no one was quite sure what to do. Louis chewed on the corner of his nail before he got an idea. It was a long shot, but it was worth a try.
"Sharon? Can I take Harry to his room?" The nurse nodded, giving Harry a sympathetic smile as Louis grabbed his arm gently, leading him out of the crowded cafeteria.
"I didn't even do anything, I just wanted to be okay. I just wanted everything to be okay. I didn't know that would happen." Harry whispered into Louis' neck, clinging to him desperately.
He brought Harry over to the window and laid down on the couch so he could position Harry perfectly in his lap. Running his fingers through the soft, slightly damp curls, Louis spoke up. "What didn't you think would happen, love?" all he got in response were louder sobs. "Hey, hey it's okay. I promise. You are gonna be okay. You have me now, yeah? I know I'm not much, but it's something, alright?" Louis kept playing with Harry's hair, wanting to pull the shaking boy into a hug.
"It wasn't worth it." Harry sobbed brokenly, but Louis was able to make out the words. He lifted Harry ever so slightly so he could hold the boy a little easier.
"What wasn't worth it, love?"
Harry shook his head, "Can't tell." He whispered, hiding his face again.
From experience, Louis knew it would be best not to pester Harry about the situation and upset him even more. "Tired?" A small nod was received before he led the tired boy to bed, tucking him in.
"Thank you, Lou," Harry said quietly, snuggling into his covers.
"Anytime, curly." He gave Harry a warm smile and ruffled his curls. As soon as Harry's eyes were closed, Louis left the room. His eyes lingered on Harry's sleeping figure for a few seconds, taking in the peaceful look he had on his face. The boy was so beautiful - it hurt Louis to know that Harry was in a place like this. Hopefully, it is good though, hopefully, Harry will get better.
'Don't even think about it.' The voice in Louis' head told him, causing Louis to frown. He looked down at his body and shivered, seeing how fat his thighs had gotten today.
Impossible for the food he had digested today to already appear on his body in such a noticeable way, but there was no use trying to convince Louis of that. He felt the fat grow on him before he even lifted the fork to his chapped lips. Even thinking about food, he could feel his stomach growing.
Louis took a breath and walked back to his own room, letting tears fall as he closed the door. He was starting to get feelings for Harry and that scared him. After what happened with his previous boyfriend, Stan, he was a little gun-shy about everything regarding relationships.
Stan had been so mean to him. Louis liked to believe Stan is the reason for his eating disorder, but the voices quickly remind him that Stan simply wanted the best for Louis and himself - he didn't want to be seen with a fat slob on his arm.
The thought of Harry thinking that same thing made Louis' skin crawl. He knew he was in this place to get better so he doesn't drop dead, but that doesn't mean these people should be stuffing him to the brim with fatty foods and make him hate himself even more.
Louis wiped his eyes, tugging at the ends of his sweater. He pulled the covers back and got in his bed, hoping to fall asleep and shut the voices out a little while before he would have to eat again.
...
March 1st, 2015.
The doctors said they are gonna help me. I do not believe it. They said there is something wrong in my head, that is why I have been having so much trouble with everything lately. I think it is bullshit. There is nothing wrong with me, I just do not want to be here.
I used the drugs I got. I have gotten more since then. The nurses are so oblivious. I even managed to get a razor snuck in from the same guy. I'm making the cuts on my hips and upper thigh, where no one can see. I was thinking of making a few on my wrist once it starts to get cold.
Since I am not technically on file for self-harming like this, I should not be checked for it. But it's still risky.
Louis comes by a lot, though. Sometimes he will bring the lads with him. It is nice, I guess, to finally have friends that seemingly care about me. I wish I would have known them earlier, maybe none of us would even be in the mess. My feelings for Louis have gotten stronger. I am starting to develop a small crush on him and honestly, it fucking sucks. I will fall in love with him and then he will leave me, just like Nick.
Hopefully no next time, Harry. xx