“Shay, it is so good to see you.”
I was more than surprised. Deep down, her being at my house before eight in the morning- I knew it was bad news. I was still excited to see her.
Shay walked past me and into the kitchen. She looked liked a model- as always. And my eyes went straight to her shoes. I have never seen her wear the same shoes twice.
“Nice shoes.” I said, half joking and half meaning it.
“Girl, these were a bargain-I couldn’t help myself.” Shay threw her purse on the sofa and sat at the table.
“Coffee?”
“Sure, so you know we have to talk, right?”
I tried to hide the over exaggerated exhale that was begging to come out.
“Yeah, I know.”
I poured the coffee and sat across from her. Shay had a way about her that just seemed to flow perfectly. She even made stirring her coffee look like an art. Shay’s skin was a milk chocolate color that always seemed so smooth and soft. She wore little to no make-up and her hair was always perfect. Shay was the closest thing to a girl friend I had ever had- which says a lot about my friendships.
“They are not taking my excuses anymore, Eve. You are going to have to produce something and soon.”
I nodded and took a sip of my coffee.
“How long?”
“Next week- or you are out.”
I closed my eyes and thought about exactly what that meant. I knew it was coming but hearing it scared the life out of me. I didn’t know how to do anything but write and doing anything else…well, I just didn’t know how.
“I will get it done.”
“How far along are you?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes, I need to know everything. You know I can work for you better when I have all the facts. You haven’t been returning my calls, the last time I came by here you didn’t come to the door, I just…well…I don’t want to say that I had given up on you, but I sure felt like you had given up all together.”
“I think I did, Shay. But, things have changed a lot for me lately….” I stood from the table and put my cup in the sink. “…my kids are in there sleeping right now and they are happy to be here.” I smiled at the thought. It felt like that was all that really mattered at all.
“That’s great, Evie, and I am happy for you. But if you don’t produce this book then you are going to be jobless. Not to mention what you will owe them for breaking the contract.”
I nodded again.
“I have something in mind. I will promise you one thing; it will be the best one I have ever written…if I can get it done.”
“No ifs, Eve…just make it happen…please!”
~~
“Soorrrryyy!” Bay took her yellow peg and knocked my blue peg all the way across the table.
“Hey, you don’t have to abuse my little peg.” I laughed as I reached for my peg and put it back in the start circle.
“I hate this game. Why can’t we play Battleship? Sorry is so boring.” Ryland only said it because Bay was beating us. Otherwise, he loved it.
“I got a three! I only need one more in home and I win!” Bay was bragging.
My phone rang and I hated to ruin this moment, but it could be Brad for his daily call to the kids.
“Hello?”
“Hey…Jacob, how are you? I am so glad you called.” I meant it. Gah, I sound desperate. I had wondered if I would ever hear from him again. I had thought about the question seriously for about three hours and most of the night. But once Shay came by all I was thinking about was being homeless.
“Listen, tomorrow night I have to have the kids back at Brad’s by seven. I was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner. I would like to talk to you.” I felt my face burn a little as I asked. I held my breath waiting on his reply.
“Um…sure. That would be nice. I’ll be there around eight?”
“Perfect…and be hungry.” I smiled and let out a breath of satisfaction. Just the thought of Jacob being here made me smile- so pathetic.
“Ok, I’ll see you then. Oh, and the reason I called was to tell you…I have a surprise for Ryland and Bailey. I was wondering if I could bring it over there this afternoon.”
My mind flew over the millions of things it could be. “Sure, we are going to be here most of the day- so anytime.”
“Okay, I’ll see you around five.” I nodded remembering he couldn’t see me, “Okay, see you then.”
I placed the phone back on its base and walked back to my game.
“Soooo that was your boyfriend?” Bailey cooed as she flipped her card over.
“He is not really my boyfriend, just a friend- a really good friend.” I smiled.
“So, I guess you and Dad is never getting back together are you?” Ry’s eyes dropped to the board game as hurt clearly covered his sweet features.
I gently turned him towards me before continuing. I wasn’t sure what to say, or what I should say to my nine year old child- much less Bailey. I grabbed both of their hands before I raced to think of something they would understand.
“I will always love your daddy. He is a very good man and he loves you two more than anything in this world- just like me. I will always be thankful to him because he gave me the two of you. But, I made some mistakes that can’t be changed. So, it will be better if Daddy and I are friends from now on.” I wasn’t sure that I was convincing them or myself.
“You cheated on Daddy with Scott- right?” I felt lower than dirt. I guess people in a small town even talk in front of children. “Yes.” I choked out.
“Olivia said that you didn’t love Daddy anymore and you didn’t care about us either or you wouldn’t have done it.” The flash of anger than ran through me was border line insanity. “Did she?” I tried so hard to unclench my teeth. “She said that you were never coming back and that our house was now hers.”
“Did you tell your daddy?”
“No…” Bailey spoke up. “…she said that it was a secret between her and us. If we told daddy he wouldn’t love us anymore for breaking them up too.”
“…breaking them up too…” Was this crazy heifer insinuating to my children that they broke me and their daddy up?
“Hold on a minute. First of all, you can always tell me and your daddy anything- always. I don’t care what anyone tells you….” I looked from one to the other to make sure they knew how serious this was. “… and second of all, it is my fault that I and your daddy are no longer married. It has nothing in this world to do with either of you…do you understand?”
Ryland burst out crying. My heart crashed against my rib cage as I watched the hurt and confusion rush out in the form of tears of my precious son. I had done so much damage, not only to me, but to my kids. These things never crossed my mind as I lay in Scott’s bed. How could I ever not think about my babies?
I pulled Ryland from his chair by his hands and hugged him as tight as I could. I willed all the love I held inside of me to somehow flow from my heart into his.
“Ryland I am so sorry for what I have done to our family….” I turned towards Bailey and pulled her with me. “…I am sorry to you too, Bay. But, I want to tell you both something right now, okay…” Ryland pulled back and looked me in the eye as Bay rubbed her little eyes. “…I swear to you both, that I will never, ever, leave you or stop loving you no matter what you do or say. It is okay to be mad at me; it’s okay to ask questions, and it’s okay to be upset. I will never ever be mad at you for talking to me about anything.”
Ryland’s arms snaked around my neck and Bailey’s around my waist. I held them as tight as I could and begged God, on the inside, to help me.
~~
“No, Brad, you need to talk to her or I will. She is not to talk to my children like that. You had better do something about it or I will.” I had been repeating myself over and over for the last fifteen minutes.
“Evie, you are acting…”
“Don’t you dare tell me I am acting crazy or impulsive. She can hate me- I don’t care. But if she ever insinuates that I had an affair because my children were not good enough. Or tells them that I didn’t love them enough…I will beat her face in past recognition.” I felt the hunger to fulfill those words as they leaked out of my mouth.
“Eve, I …”
“Oh, and I forgot to tell you. She told the kids that if they told you, you would stop loving them for breaking you and her up too.” The phone went silent.
Finally he heard me
“I think it would be best if I called you back.” I knew this hurt Brad, again because of my words, leaving me to feel some what responsible; but this was something that I had to tell him- he had to know.
“Call me if you need to.” I didn’t wait on a reply before I hung up the phone.
I stared at the wall for several minutes thinking about what would happen between them but more importantly, how would she treat my children now? Would she touch my children? The thought was unbearable. I know people say it all the time, but a parent understands how serious a mother is when she say she will go to jail for her children.
Bay’s sweet laughter drifted down the small hall and straight to my heart. It was enough to make me stand from the sofa and creep into their room to watch them. Bay sitting in her princess bed, playing with her dolls- so innocent and so oblivious to the real world around her. Ry, with his face glued to the television screen playing some game. I don’t know if I could stop myself from hurting Olivia if she touched my babies. The fear of them not telling me was more torturous than the act itself.
~~
“Hi…”
Brad walked in my living room as I quickly tried to wipe the disappointment off my face. I thought he was Jacob bringing the kids their surprise.
“Oh, um..hey. A-are you okay?” I headed towards the kitchen, knowing full well Brad would want tea with lemon. “Yeah, I think I will be.” I knew what was coming, God please don’t let this be happening.
Quickly turning towards the cabinets; I grabbed two glasses, “What happened? What did she say?” I handed him the glass of tea and gestured for him to sit. I purposely walked back to the sink and leaned against it, leaving as much distance between us as possible.
“I confronted her and she admitted that she had said some things she probably shouldn’t have said. But, she never said exactly what that was. She denied threatening them…and I didn’t believe her.” Brad’s eyes watched the ice in his glass as it cracked and popped.
“So, what now?”
“I told her to leave.”
Silence filled the room but on the inside of me I was screaming with joy. Not because Brad was alone, but the simple fact that that crazy woman was away from my children. My children…
Setting the glass on the counter and quickly taking the seat across from Brad, fear set it in. “What do you think the kids are going to think…feel?” Another person leaving them in less than two years…my fault—again.
“Evie…” Brad, a sudden master at reading my mind, grabbed my hand as his voice lowered and his eyes softened. “…I know it will be hard, but I think you need to come home. I know I can forgive you and I can see you have changed—a lot.” A small smile spread across his face. “I will forget everything and we can resume the life we had.” Maybe not the master…
Anger shot through me from head to toe. I jerked my hand out from under his and watched as pure confusion lit his playboy features. “You will forgive me? As if it was my entire fault?”
“Well…” Brad sat up straight as defense mode set in. “…I didn’t have an affair, Eve.”
“No, you didn’t. And I can honestly say that I believe you never would have either—never. I can also say, whole heartedly, that if I was to come back to your house I would probably end up having another one.”
Brad’s eyes almost bulged out of his head, his face flushed red, and teeth grinded together. “See, that was one thing, right there, that drove me crazy. You never talk, Brad, you never argue or even state a point.”
“So, you cheated on me because I didn’t argue with you? That’s the craziest damn thing I have ever heard, Eve!” Brad stood from his chair and pushed it under the table forcefully.
“No, you never talked period. And when you did it was exactly what I wanted to hear. Or what you thought I wanted to hear anyway.” I had destroyed what I was trying to get across—it came out all wrong. Letting out a defeated breath I stood and placed both hands on Brad’s shoulders. “Listen, think really hard for a moment about the last five years of our marriage.” I waited and allowed him to do just that. “Brad, the kids were the only life in the house. We had grown so far apart we didn’t even recognize each other. There was no real joy. We laughed because we were supposed to. We didn’t make love, we didn’t even try, it was just a scheduled chore—literally.” Rubbing my hands down his arms I pulled his chair back out and sat in my own. “…and I can’t even remember the last time we had a real conversation.” I rubbed my temples and tried to get my thoughts together—to form the right words.
“If there was some way that you could, truly, forgive me, you would never forget. You would see Scott every time we lay together. I know you. We…” I pointed between the two of us, “…will never be a couple again.” I wasn’t sure Brad was convinced but, I was.
Brad looked from my left eye to my right, with his mouth open a bit. Shocked maybe, or maybe just maybe… he knew I was right. Nodding he stood to his feet, and yet again, he wouldn’t talk about the issue in front of him. “It is only five but do you mind if I take the kids with me? I want to be with them and talk with them about Olivia.”
Only seconds passed as I made myself agree. Two hours didn’t seem like much, but it was a lot when you only seen them every other weekend. “Brad, I want to come and get the kids a couple days out of the week…if they want to I mean.”
Brad focused on his hands then slowly looked around the apartment as he noticed all the changes I had made. Nodding slowly, “I don’t see why not. The place looks great.” He smiled as he walked towards the room to get our children.
Brad had proved two things to me. First, his children had always and would always come first—no matter what. And last, that he would never change. Not once did he recognize or admit his side of our bad marriage. He truly believed it was my entire fault. It was time for me to let the blame game go.