"And aren't those the worst kinds of people? People that live for nothing but themselves?"
Rusted in Resistance
The sun was blinding, but it felt good.
It kept him away.
"So, usual spot?" Trita asked as we walked down the sunny, lively beach full of vacationers.
I nodded, but my smile was so false. Sonya replied enthusiastically; "Defs!" She kept close to my side ever since this morning. It was both a comfort and a bit annoying. She left no place for me to let my mind wander off too far and yet the thought of her being so close made me feel safer. I wasn't that exposed. Or at least in my mind I wasn't.
I could feel the worry radiate off her and Trita's growing concern was definitely clear. Trita rarely showed that kind of emotion, but I think I really scared them this morning. I couldn't help it- everything today was so magnified. The light, the smell of salt and the burning taste of mint in my mouth.
"Aurora, did you call your parents?" Sonya's asked with a motherly tone. I registered her words, but I admit it took me a while to form a coherent answer. I nodded my head once, but figured that if I wanted them to budge off a bit, I needed to be a bit more convincing than that.
"Yeah." I said with a bright smile so fake it hurt.
This morning, after my episode, I just lied and told them that I'd had an awful nightmare and I was just feeling a bit sick. They bought it after some convincing, but it's been a few hours since then and my excuse was waning.
The anxiety and paranoia was rolling off me in waves. Soon, I'd have to start acting normal.
If only I could remember how normal felt like.
"What did they say?" Sonya was trying to make conversation. I wanted to laugh at her obvious attempt at prying. Trita kept quiet; just listening from the side. I thanked heaven she left me in peace, because once Trita began investigating or meddling, no one was safe. I wasn't in the mood to be pestered. I hadn't even figured out what was going on myself.
When we got back to Sonya's house, I quickly made the excuse that I needed to phone my mother to talk about university stuff. I slipped away to the back study and closed the door. I just needed the time to think and process things in private, without them prying. Of course I knew they were only worried- I would probably have reacted the same, but I really needed to be alone for a bit.
"They...um..." I shrugged, as if it had just been like any other phone call. "They just said they miss me."
That was the wrong thing to say.
I mentally hit myself as tears pricked at my eyes. What if I never see them again? What if Death takes my parents as some sort of sick leverage to use against me? It was complicated enough keeping my mouth shut around my two best friends to make that they were safe, but what's to say he won't just go after my parents? What morals does he have anyway?
None.
What scared me most was the fact that from just one night, alone with him, I knew all I needed to. He was deranged and he was wicked. He had nothing to live for, except death. Except himself.
And aren't those the worst kinds of people? People that live for nothing but themselves? People who couldn't care less about the lives they've damaged?
Sonya and Trita remained silent. I kept my eyes low.
It was clear to me that they were deeply concerned and soon the interrogating would start. I'll crack...
I just know it.
Unless we keep busy.
Unless I act normal.
"Aurora?"
We'd stopped walking. I didn't even notice. Shit! Shit... You let him distract you again!
Trita carefully wiped my left cheek with her thumb.
Shit.
"I'm fine." It was an involuntary reply.
I swiftly pushed away all the falling tears and cast my blue eyes down to the sandy beach. Trita lifted up my chin and a sob cracked through my throat as I watched the empathy in her eyes burn. I let my act fall, but not completely.
I had more to lose.
Surprisingly.
If I hadn't had as much self-control and will power, I would've been face first in the white sand. Instead I let my heavy head fall onto the concerned brunette's shoulder. She was shocked by my sudden outburst, but I could feel the relief as she began to stroke my hair. She thought it was going to be harder to get me to open up. Sonya squeezed my shoulder, her small hand giving me more hope than I should be allowed.
I regret crying in the middle of a crowded beach.
Though, most of all, I regret crying in the first place. Nice...
"Shh... It's okay." Sonya whispered as she stroked my arm; her hands soft and comforting. I wish they knew what I was going through, but at the same time I was so grateful they had no idea. I don't want them involved.
He won't get them. I refuse. I'd do anything he wanted if it meant they would be fine and safe.
If there was one thing I hated it was feeling helpless. I've never needed anyone's help.
Cool, calm and collected Aurora, crying in public. 'Shame, didn't you hear? She burst out crying on the crowed beach! Like a baby! How pathetic...'
My mind was getting crueler in its methods to torture me as I thought of all the nasty things people would say.
I shouldn't care, but I did. I had reputation. I was Aurora Venerelli. The girl no one could fluster. 'Miss Stone'- that's what they use to call me. The 'Ice Queen'. I didn't encourage it, but I didn't feel like it was an insult. It made me feel strong and intimidating. In my world that was a good thing. Most of the time.
"Guys..." I laughed a bit and tried to wave them off me before we started a scene, "I'm fine. Really."
"Come on." Trita began to pull me towards a more secluded area of the beach, clearly not buying my bullshit. I followed, scared that they might not believe any excuse I would feed them.
The laughter and happy chirping of beach-goers began to subside and fade. Trita's strong arms led me to a familiar looking alcove; it was partly hidden by big moss-covered rocks. I could tell that acting normal was not an option anymore; seeing as Sonya's expression was paved with concern. Trita was simply determined to uncover the cause of my tears.
I'm not sure which of the two would be more difficult to convince that I was telling the truth.
Which is an option I don't have.
"Here..." Trita gently led me to flat rock. I gladly obliged her and sat down. I'd covered my bruised arms in a long-sleeved, but thin and airy sweater. Luckily for me, no one questioned it, because it was still rather misty outside from last night's storm, which was still lingering in the sky. The rain had stopped, but the air was still cold and the beach was covered with fog from the horizon.
Maybe I should just tell them? Can he really hurt them?
I knew the answer to that before the thought even crossed my mind.
Yes. He could.
Yes, he would.
I'm surprised he hasn't already.
No.
The truth was certainly not an option. Not unless Trita and Sonya have a death wish.
I'm not even sure what happened last night.
Sonya sat down beside me; "Aurora-"
"Before you start..." I put my shaky hand on her knee to stop her. I knew what came next. I've been on the sending and receiving end of a couple of these conversations already.
First it starts with; 'Are you okay?' Then it moves onto; 'what happened?' or 'what's the matter?' and finally; 'what can we do to help?'
Simple.
Nothing.
"I'm sorry for being a downer-" Trita scoffed and opened her mouth to deny the fact, but I continued before she could begin. "-and I know you're both worried, but honestly, I really am fine."
I was a decent liar, but regrettably even my skills couldn't worm myself out of this situation. Sonya and Trita exchanged a look that spoke volumes.
"Fine?" Trita came to sit next to me; her body leaning forward so she could look me in the eye. "You're fine?"
"Yes." A strong reply. Convincing too, but clearly not enough.
Trita raised an eyebrow in response. "Alright, then explain to me how the toughest person I know can break down, crying, on a public beach. That must have been a hell of a nightmare..."
Sonya sighed at Trita's manner of helping. I knew how she operated. She was upfront and direct, but she had a soft heart. She was too much like me, but the only difference was that I was more calculating and understanding. I was patient and Trita didn't even know the concept.
"It was, as a matter of fact." No lie there.
"Aurora." I pried my defensive eyes from Trita's sturdy gaze to Sonya's. Her voice was soft and gentle. "Did something happen? Please tell us. This isn't like you."
I sighed softly. "You don't understand..." I whispered more to myself than to them. I had to get around this somehow. There has to be a way.
I won't allow him to drag them down with me.
"What don't we understand?" She tried again.
I looked down at the sand, thinking.
"Aurora?" Trita pressed me.
"Sorry..." I whispered to the wind. I folded my arms over my chest. I suppose if I want them to fully comprehend where I'm coming from, I'll just have to put more effort into it. I realised with sense of hesitant admittance that I was causing them to pin me as a liar.
If I was going to sell this, I was going to have to pretend to believe it myself.
"I'm sorry. I just... I'm not myself today."
Trita's hand found mine. I smacked away the urge to shake her hand off. Since when am I this paranoid? Screw you, Thanatos.
"Again, I really had a crap nightmare and a shitty night. I swear."
That was the truth.
"And I'm sorry for being so moody... I suppose it's that time of the month."
Yes! Ha! I knew I could wiggle my way out of this.
"Oh? Why didn't you say so?" Sonya was quick to believe.
I silently pushed away the guilt. Lying to them wasn't the best feeling, obviously. Trita was silent, but I could see the impatience in her face fade. She was starting to piece together a few things, her silence a sign of concentration. She didn't want to believe it could be something so simple.
"So, yeah..." I gently flicked an ant from the side of the rock. I needed to add more. "Look, it's not something I like admitting, but I'm under a lot of stress for this year. You know... with university crap and moving out. I'm just worried. I don't know why, but it's like today everything sort of just hit me."
"I know. It's all happening so fast." Sonya put her hands on her thighs and sighed, "But you shouldn't be stressed out like this. It's not healthy."
I was grateful for the topic change. Suddenly, Trita's preppy voice filled my other ear. "Wow, I knew you were overdue with your outburst for the month, but I guess I didn't really except it to be so big." Trita said with laughter; not at my expense of course.
My relationship with Trita was very different to my relationship with Sonya. Trita and I had no issue insulting one another- it was our form of flattery. I'd die for her.
She was right of course. I was like that. I kept most of my bad emotions, like worry, anger, and fear hidden; and very rarely did I cry, and usually when I did happen to cry, it wasn't in front of people.
They were in shock. Honestly, so was I.
Sonya was a softie. She cried often, but there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. Trita was a bit more like me- harder shell, but her inside was as soft as goo. She didn't mind loosing her temper at the smallest of things, whereas I kept my anger bottled up.
"Anyway, think of this as the start of your new life! You should be excited!" Trita continued, now in a more cheerful voice. She was hooked.
I smiled, pretending like I was excited for what was to come. Regrettably, I could feel the falseness attached to my grin. "I guess so..."
"You okay?" Sonya asked again, just to make extra sure.
I nodded my head. "I'll be fine. You know me; I get so stressed about silly stuff like this." I scanned Trita and Sonya's content faces as they stood up and grabbed their beach bags. Trita smiled as I joined them, dusting off the sand from my shorts. "True. You put way to much pressure on yourself."
"Yeah, yeah..." I laughed and it felt normal. My heart skipped a bit. It was nice. "Let's go before someone steals our spot."
Trita swung her bag over her shoulder with a sly smile; "We still need to see who the winner is."
"We're still doing that?" I rolled my eyes as Sonya giggled from the side.
"See this is why I never make any deals with you..." Sonya said sarcastically, which caused only Trita to scoff in reply; "Really? I thought it was because you're too scared?"
Sonya scrunched up her face and flicked her middle finger at Trita. "Fuck off." We burst out laughing and Trita pulled a face at the blonde beside me. "You're too sweet."
I gently dusted off my bag and swung it over my shoulder, but quickly let it fall back to my wrist as a sharp pain shot through my neck. I forgot about the stupid bruises. I smiled through the pain as Trita continued to joke about our little contest.
The sand was difficult to move in and every now and then I wiped away a bead of sweat from my hairline. The heat only grew and I was starting to worry a bit. Sonya and Trita didn't seem to be getting as hot as me and it wasn't my shirt that was the problem. Maybe I should've packed in medicine? Would that even help?
I just had to remember to keep my arms covered in front of them.
A monthly period can't explain everything; certainly not scratch marks.
The beach was even more crowded as we emerged from the enclosed alcove. There were laughing kids, gangs of surfers, energetic dogs, relaxed dads and a whole bunch of good-looking guys. Perhaps Trita was right. Maybe I needed a distraction. Maybe I needed a pastime to keep my thoughts from running back to him.
I wasn't sure if it was only fear that kept his image in my mind. I had a strong feeling that my hormones were playing a big part in his memory too. It's not easy to forget someone- or something- so damn beautiful.
It's going to be tough finding something more distracting than him, but I could try.
All I could do for now was try...
Thank you all for the wonderful comments!
Xx