Christmas day. One of those lovely holidays. A time with family. Friends. A time for celebration and peace. Just laugh. Enjoy yourself. Be expressive and happy and comfortable. Exchange gifts you made or brought to show how much gratitude you have for whomever you cherish dear to your heart and mind. A lover. A friend. Didn't matter. Christmas was a day for people being together – with your family.
And I wasn't.
Didn't even buy anyone a gift for that matter because I was an asshole these past couple of weeks or so. And I realized now how pathetic I truly was. Now I couldn't understand what Thomas in me – how I had friends and a family still. But I hoped that turned around soon. Hoped I'd led them through a path I chose to search for in my forest finally. Because it was a really funny story.
"It's funny, really," I began. "I thought I'd be fine. I thought I'd be better. I thought I was fixed." How wrong I was. "Sure, it helped me stay calm and relaxed, but put me on edge half the time. Made me hostile and rude. And it's funny how I went through this exact same thing when I was nineteen and I didn't even remember any of it. I'm an asshole."
He first thought I was crazy when I declined his offer for a smoke. I knew better, and he listened without the need to smoke himself. "Yeah, you're an asshole, alright. And a sexual deviant."
That my perked my interest to a point where I thought he was lying. "Am I really? Was I?" I doubted it. I explored a lot of my sexuality before College, I knew what I wanted after my failed attempts of a relationship, but I stopped doing that after it gave me nothing in return. Just a way to satisfy my sexual desires and nothing more. It got boring and I realized there had to be a sort of emotional attachment to the person I was fucking in order for me to feel quite happy and glad and just proud.
I continued. "The only time I've tried being sexual with anyone in College is... was my ex and that was such a dumbass thing to do. Anthony... used to be like that with me..." And I paid no attention to that part of our relationship. Just brushing it off because he blinded me with his love.
A brow quirked on him as he laid back in the couch. "So you don't remember any of the night before?" I shook my head. His head pulled back and his face fell in shock. "Wow. Then let me just say you're not much of a heavyweight at all."
"Nah... I've never got drunk before. It doesn't happen. I didn't cheat." I couldn't have. Not on Thomas.
"You've never gone the full nine yards, but you kinda cheated. More than once," he said. He kind of cocked his head to the side, flashed a quick grin and lowered it in a smirk. "Kayla sure loved it."
Man, am I serious? "Ah, fuck me so hard..." Even if, by the hands of a God, Thomas and I got back together after I bettered myself once and for all, how would I explain that? How could he forgive me if I didn't forgive myself?
Leone did the same thing and Thomas decided not getting back with him. Though Thomas showed signs of their past relationship affecting him, he never let it be an end all, be all kind of thing. It didn't drag him down from trying to be friends again. He simply forgave him.
Ah, fuck my pessimism.
"But honestly..." Andrew shifted in spot, leaning over on his thighs. A questioned face for answers. "Why are you now realizing all of this? I've tried telling you – everyone has tried."
"Yeah, I know. I was too fucking stupid to listen to any of it." So very blinded. "Oliver said something to me a long while back, when I first started this bullshit, and I've been thinking about it ever since yesterday and I realize how much sense it makes. Its sounds stupid, but really... it's something that's been part of my life. This'll sound cliché, but when I left the house, Shane and his family came by. He has a beautiful wife, Monique, who gave birth to a beautiful little girl, Angeline, as adorable as Christian and the minute I looked into her eyes... I couldn't help but actually smile like hers."
Her eyes, ocean-like and calm, reminded me of the eyes I loved in Tori, the eyes that comforted me with Oliver and my dad. There was a time as a small child, I had these really bad tantrums. More than a child should ever have and my mom used to tell me she would call my dad over and he'd look me in the eyes, smile, and I'd seen mine reflect back. And I always stopped crying. Mom used to get really jealous because her eyes were green and none of her kids inherited them.
A blonde-haired, green-eyed woman, and her kids took after the brown-haired, blue-eyed man she loved. Another funny story.
"I... I looked her in the eyes the way Thomas did with me... the way Bentley had and Jalen, and now I realize Thomas never looked at me the same way. No one had," I continued. "I had no worries because I had stress on weed. I was calm and thought everyone was in the wrong. My eyes aren't the same anymore and certainly neither am I."
I heard him huff because my eyes were close. My mind just losing itself in my past mistakes. "They're the same as when I met you. Still blue. Still calm. Still beautiful... you're just not lost anymore. And I can see the redness in them from my party is almost gone now, so there's that."
A small smirk grew. "Thanks."
Momentarily, the air fell quiet and I opened my eyes again at Andrew just staring back. I flashed curiosity but he just shifted in spot and averted his gaze. "Well," he huffed, "now you friends can stop hating me."
Well, thanks for the support, Andrew. You asshole. "Is that all you care about? I just fleshed out all my feelings to you."
"Well, yeah. Mostly." An asshole, like the cheeky smile he flashed that I couldn't resist laughing to.
"Get out of here, asshole..."
He chuckled. "But seriously... I don't get how it changed you. It's not like you have a mental illness or something, right?"
I didn't. But I had something I paid zero attention to because I hadn't recognized it. "I'm paranoid. It's because I'm paranoid," I replied, letting it sink in for a brief moment. "I don't ever want to become a man like he was and because of that fear, I did." Now that I finally woke and dried my eyes, I didn't know what to do. I may had found a path, but there weren't any directions. "I don't know what to say to everyone now."
"Then don't say anything. Not now," he replied, taking me back for a second there. What did he mean? "You don't owe them an apology or something. Not yet. You owe yourself way more; you need to forgive yourself first for all the years of shit you put yourself through because of him. You friends will understand and certainly Thomas will – you can soon let him in instead of leaving him, or your parents, lost."
"You know what... I honestly doubt Thomas and I will ever be a thing anymore." Besides, I did like how simple our relationship was before I dared kissing him on that night. Why risk another chance? "He deserves a man, not a boy like me." Not until I become the man I truly deserve, and need to be.
As he stretched a hand, scratching the back of his head, he let out a long, soft breath. "You never know... you can become the man he liked so much," he said as pulled himself up from the couch. Checking the time on his phone, he then walked over to the front door and pulled his coat off the hangers beside it, throwing me mine. "C'mon. I'd like you to meet someone."
Instead of bothering him with questions my mind filled itself with, I followed him out of the complex in silence. Today from now, I needed to understand that my questions would usually hold no answers behind its walls, serving no clear purpose. That I needed to ask the essential questions with answers behind its walls, and I figured out as we walked down the street, nearing a hospital not too far as I could see, who he wanted me to meet. His cousin. But back on point, I needed to sit back and relax and let me find the answers instead of piling more questions on top, like putting trees on the pathway I found – without a saw anywhere around.
But one question stood out. I wondered about the origin of her disease Andrew was sparse on about. "How'd she get sick?" My voice was a soft little whisper in the air because I was a bit hesitant asking it. For all I knew, he could've not liked talking about his past or his cousin in great detail.
The winter blaze almost hid his stuttering breath, but after a moment in the cold air, he spoke up. "We were kids when it happened. Something struck her so suddenly and she was a perfect, healthy little girl and we didn't know what to do," he explained. Soft-spoken. But I heard every word. "The doctors were clueless and could only preserve her life until one day, she got better. She could walk and move and do all the things she dreamed of doing, even though she missed having the high school experience."
I watched how his face conveyed different levels of emotions – most of the same kind. A lot of it I was taken back by because I couldn't really empathize with him. And it seemed like he never really talked about her as much with anyone else. Not even Dante who seemed to be close with him. So why with me?
"My dad taught her everything school would've got wrong and I helped until it happened again randomly and ever since, she's been like this. Basically lying on her deathbed and it scares me so fucking much because I don't know what to do if I lost the last of my family..." Pain struck his eyes hard now, and no doubt his body all over by how the language of it shifted. Yet he kept walking, keeping his head high and played with a smile – a real, genuine one. "I'm just glad I can still be with her for the time being."
Well, now I know, very sparsely, of what happened to his family.
Another funny thing. Everyone I ever known had a life different than mine, not in the least close to perfect and healthy. Leone being a cop himself, Chris' confidence in his sexuality, Levy becoming a personal trainer, Thomas overcoming midlife crises and Tori being above the pity and crude remarks from her so called peers – being expressive as always. You'd never know with these people because you'd never see the marks that scarred them. They wouldn't show you unless you knew them because they knew all too well Society would only judge off the cover you presented them rather than read the pages of your mind.
Everything couldn't and can't be held at face value.
Society kills me so damn much. I'd never understand them as a whole. Then there was Andrew who lost his family one by one, supposedly, and Ariel was his last her in America. Who knows where the distant relatives lived.
The rest our journey filled our ears to the empty streets until we reached the foot of the hospital. Upon entering I was taken back by the Christmas themed so very present and staggering amounts of families and couples and a few others alone in waiting chairs filling the space. I waited behind as Andrew went up to the reception desk and checked in. He took a bit longer because I guessed he also signed me in as well.
Once he finished up, he led me down the hall and through an elevator onwards up. We reached the third floor and I followed behind. So many people filled the hospital on this day, but it was lucky the ones in need of savior had loved ones at their side. But sad how most hadn't. Some would throw shades of pity while others embraced them with empathy.
Breaking me out of thought, Andrew said something. At first I wasn't quite sure what he said till it registered a second time before I replied. "Hey, can I ask something?" Looking at him, I nodded. "What if Leone takes Thomas? Like, what if Thomas feels something for him again? Because, I don't know, this is kinda stupid but I just feel like... you're not gonna find another guy like him. You've had two tries before..."
Hesitance slipped in as I breathed. 'Cause honestly, he may had been right. I had two tries and failed at them both but with Thomas, he if he went with Leone or any other guy... "That's fine." I might've not been the guy Thomas deserved and... I think I would be fine that.
"What? Seriously?"
"Yeah. I'm broken and I'm not afraid to admit that now. Thomas doesn't need that – other guy does. And he's even out to his parents and I'm not. Not sure when I will be," I explained. "He's doing much better with his life than I ever am."
This must've boggled him with how he stared back. "Now I'm wondering if you're higher than high. That's some 360 turn you took."
But I mean, I was really invested in Thomas and he could see that. He saw that way back when we first met. "Don't you mean 180?"
"Nah. You took a 180 when you started blazing and this is another 180. So that's 360," he explained. "I'm just shocked. And all because you stared in a little girl's eyes. That's like something I saw in a movie once." Probably as cliché as hell.
"Like a clichéd reality – not far from the truth. I'm like one of those broken, bad boys or something from some teen fictions on the internet."
"Ha, ha. Yeah, yeah. That's true."
"But, honestly, I had a lot of time to think over everything. I actually let my mind rest and sleep and think for once." Life was life; full of the unexpected. "And there's still a lot of nights to go."
At the end of a quite a long hall we came near the room they occupied Ariel in. She laid on a bed near a window wall when I followed him shortly, standing a distance behind when he went up beside her. Her face carried a lot, I could tell. Bags circled under her eyes, her skin running pale, lying as if she was dead.
She took a few minutes, since Andrew shook her eyes open, for her to wake properly, scouring her surroundings. And now her eyes betrayed the look of her body. Lively. For a brief moment, those lively eyes scoured on mine, taking in my frame in its entirety until they trained back on Andrew's – a strong smile carving her face for such a weak looking girl.
You honestly couldn't judge a book by its cover. She lived as long with her unknown condition because of her strength – something I needed because like hell these muscles meant anything. But I had them, for more reasons I lived for other than the calling of pain filled revenge. I couldn't just look strong anymore when just Shane intimidated me. I had to be strong; emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Just one step at a time.
A quick kiss on the forehead almost escaped my eyes because I realized I stared off in the distance out through the window. "Bet you had a nice nap," he said to her. Soft. Always a constant smile playing on his face.
"I always do," she said, her face conflicted in mimicking how she appeared or showing off the strength inside her. "I have someone being strong for me, too."
He chuckled for a few seconds until he gestured a hands towards me, occasionally taking glances. "This is Chance, the guy I was talking to you about."
She met my eyes. Same smile as his. "And he's as attractive as you say," she said. "He gets wet talking about you so much," and that reddened the poor boy's face.
This was an opportunity. "Oh, Andrew. Why didn't you say anything? We could've had sex."
"Shut the hell up, you two," he replied and the air filled with soft laughter. "You're supposed to be sick, not embarrassing me."
I quirked a brow. How long could I keep going with this? This could be an inside joke type of thing, and dare I make it so. "So you're not denying its true then?"
"Shut. Up. Chance." So it's true then. I don't mind, Andrew. Ha, ha. "Better wipe that look off your face."
Her weakness showed again by the simple act of swatting his arm. Now, now, Andrew. Be nice."
He shot a quick apology look in her eyes. "Sorry, ma'am."
But her laughs were real relaxing in an odd, cool way. "So Chance... how's College? It's one of those things I want to do when I get better again."
"And never again," Andrew chimed in.
I breathed out as I brushed through my hair. "College is nice and all, and I don't regret going because I still stand by what I want, but, man, College is... it fucks with you a lot." Like I said, her laugh was real relaxing and her smile made me feel at ease. I got what Andrew was saying sometimes. "That might just be me and my friends and my boyfriend... m-my ex. 'Cause everyone else around us looks just fine." I could see, on both of them, the subtle twitch in their expression at my little slip up.
I saw the frown playing on Andrew's face because of it. I hoped she didn't bring it up. The last the thing I wanted on my damn mind was Thomas. Kind of déjà vu, isn't it?
"So... is College that bad?" she asked, and I was relieved.
"It's not bad. I really like psychology and though it stressed me out, with football and all, I'm learning. I realize how much I learned and how much it makes me understand this damn world," I told her. "Why do you want to go into College?"
"Same thing actually," she said. "Always as a little girl, I've always wondered about the world and everything that made me human. You know? Like how we are humans and how we are different and similar at the same time and how we have our own normal."
As we went on and on, she took me way back as far as how she wasn't all that pained by her voice. Though, like I said, quiet and weak – a bit raspy – she could go on and on like she waited years for a different listening ear. I was sure Andrew heard it all and to have someone new, watching as nothing left her face, she was really, really happy. Someone else could hear her stories, being talked through her experiences and you just forget how sick she is.
Incredible.
"I got to ask, and I don't mean to intrude," she began. By now Andrew and I were in seats next to her. Her eyes on mine. "But... do you love him? Your ex?"
"Uh... I-I" What the hell was I supposed to say? We hadn't explored our relationship long enough for me to feel something like that. We hadn't connected on the level of Tori and Chris who I knew, without a hell of a doubt, loved each other more than friends. Thomas and were simply not there, but her question got me all flustered about the possibilitity. I couldn't deny Thomas made feel something. Lust played a part when I first saw him, I'd admit that, but as I got to know him again... I don't fucking know. Maybe, as always with me, I was ovvereacting. I doubted it, like c'mon, I couldn't love Bentley the way he loved me. I never loved Jalen and Thomas... I liked him. I liked him a lot but love? How could I? Ugh, man... so I replied with a simple, "I don't..."
Why was this so hard? It was a simple question. A very, simple question.
She looked in thought when I picked my eyes off the floor. "I don't believe you."
Don't know what to tell you anymore, Ariel. Can't tell myself. "Ha... why not?"
"I don't know. I sort of get a feeling you think you're telling the truth," she said. Was I? No, wait, Chance. You know what... just focus. That's what I needed. Was to just focus on myself and worry about my love for Thomas, or lack of... for some other time. He wasn't my boyfriend anymore, so it was pathetic of me to even get flustered at the question. But... I guessed I shouldn't cut off the possibility... I guess.
Just come back to it.
"What happened?" she asked. The second time I registered her curiosity.
That I knew. I had an answer. "I'm... I-I'm broken. That's all. I couldn't really give my all in our relationship and I gave him too much stress. There's so much I haven't even told him and I keep leaving him wondering – and I want to tell him."
Weakly, she shook her head. "You don't look all that broken."
"Yeah, and it's easy pretending it is okay that way. But I don't want to do that anymore."
"So will you go back to him once you healed yourself then?"
"Nah, I doubt that." The floor kept my interest again. What about floors and ceilings were interesting? I lost myself in them way too easily. "I'm not going to try. He deserves better and I think I'd be fine with that."
"You're giving up way too early then."
"That's what I've been thinking," Andrew said. "I remember when I first met him, and Thomas called, the look on his face said it all. Why are you going to give up so early and let some other man take him?"
"He's not my property – he's no ones," I said. "And I don't know when I'm going to be... fine with my life. I'm still searching my way out of my forest while everyone else is almost there."
"But who said you have to rush it?" she asked. "And who said you have to give up on someone you truly want to be with who still has feelings for you?"
"I honestly don't even know if he still does..." What were they getting me into? I couldn't afford my feelings for Thomas being a distraction. I couldn't figure them out entirely until I figured myself out first but here they were trying to get me to. And I let them.
I'll admit... a part of me kind of wanted to know the truth. At least, if I looked on the bright side for once, I could talk about him before I didn't – not for a while.
I felt repeated pats on the back from Andrew now, who gained my attention. "Seriously. She may be sick, but my dad taught her well. I know she's going to find a beautiful man for herself and dare he ever try anything because this foot is going up some guy's ass if they do."
Her sweet laugh etched in. "You're too much, Andrew."
"I'm serious," he replied. "And I'm serious that you don't need to give up so quickly. Just put it on hold as long as Thomas is single and figure out our own feelings among other things."
"Just not until I figure myself out first," I first said. "I have a way lot to think about and I'm going to try and not look back."
I can't go back and be the guy who scarred himself. I can't be the guy who smoked and hadn't realized how bad it was for my own health. And I can't be the guy who will never let anyone else in but his close circle. My parents and Thomas and I deserve to know. I need to accept what happened and forgive not for the sake of the act, but forgive myself through the years of bullshit I put myself in. 'Cause I know I'll honestly fucking hate those two, but they won't dictate my life. Nothing else will but me.
Ariel's voice interjected the awkward air. "One thing I know I'll do when I get better is go back to ice-skating."
"And it won't be the day she gets out – no matter how much she can hit and yell," Andrew added and a frown fell on her face.
As the sun dimmed and clouds took to the stage of the sky, our time with Ariel wrapped itself up. Rightfully so, Andrew took his time before we retired back to the complex and up to his room. A few minutes of lagging around and talking, I soon took my leave, relieved what a day this turned out. I honestly couldn't stop smirking on the drive home. I needed something like this and I got it today.
Ariel was a beautiful girl even in sleep and sickness. And I was so sure when she got better she'd find the right man for her. Maybe I might've found mine – but would I fine alone? Who knows?
A sudden guilt wafted circled my mind and jittered my body when I reached the driveway of my house, approached the door and lodged my key in the slot. This sudden feeling jerked me around and I honestly detested the idea of going in now. Like what the hell would I explain to my parents? Let alone Thomas and his family and Monique and Angeline. Would I rather use an excuse? Nah, no more. But what?
Right now, excuses weren't even viable as I entered in quietly and snuck upstairs. The faint sound of Catalyst – a superhero movie I've watched too many times to count – alerted me they were in the family room. Mostly all of them. Better that than them waiting by the door and hording me down with their curiosity. I doubted I could take their stares of wonder and confusion.
What I could take was the missed calls and messages I discovered when I found my phone on my bed. All from dad. Three-quarters of the day were gone and I wasn't be this celebration. Bet Christian was wondering where I was. But I couldn't worry about any of this right now. As long as I was upstairs and they were down there unknowingly giving me my space. Then when dinner came, or if bedtime if I missed dinner, then yeah, I'd explain myself. Sparsely, of course.
After getting myself together and changed in comfortable clothes, I plopped down at my desk, turned on the lamp and found my journal in the mess of other things. With a pen in hand, earbuds in and my music all geared up, it was time to draw myself back in my own mind. Been quite a while I had sat done and did this, complaining afterwards how I couldn't articulate a damn sense of my mind.
Brought back some good, frustration memories.
Believe it or not... Leone's a good teacher. OF course, he's good when he doesn't know it because now that I have time to think through over everything my friends had told me, with him being the sole reason I saw my mind and feelings and such as a forest, I can see how wild my forest it. There's a lot of dirt loitering around, a lot of lush green trees full of life while some parts look worn and dead. Then there are paths which aren't easily found if you're in the middle of the forest and there can be only so much ground you can cover before you decide it's over.
You just give up. Just like that. And the funny thing about that is that you could be resting right near a path – may not be the ideal path – but it's there behind those bushes. But you gave up before you took another step. I gave up before that last step. And here I am taking it and I can see how far it stretched. I can see how long the journey might and I can come up to a four-way fork in the road and a new set of paths comes.
Who knows? Maybe one day I'll find a bridge. The bridge. 'Cause I was saying about Leone, he's a good teacher without ever knowing. He once said to me, "there's a forest." Simple enough. Just like how I described it. "There's a forest we're born into the minute were pushed out of a womb. A womb because our forest as kids always seems predetermined. We're already on a path society followed us on, being the leader of our journey, acting we are. Then there comes a point where society loses its sight on us when we grow older and see the forest fire they masked behind our imaginative minds. We're easily creative as kids and they just twist it around as if we're not. So as you see this forest fire, you run and lose yourself somewhere new. Just at the point you're hitting high school or leaving middle school. And you can't find a path anymore because you see how your journey truly begins. You must find it. You are always searching for answers and it'll stop until death claims the last question of your life. And sometimes... you might not get lost. You might still be following society."
And you know, I'd sit there confused. Depressed. And still confused. This was two years ago. And while I'd think over what he said, I really truly understood. But now, it really makes sense. How easily society led me through their fire. Burning me up like they couldn't give less of a shit about my worth and just the time I could waste being their puppet. Being their little obedient child. And I mean, society's changing itself. It's progressing but it's slow as shit. And I don't want to follow them anymore. I don't want this becoming a thing I wallow in for the rest of my life. Three... four years I've been trenched in their forest and haven't found mine.
So maybe I should be a little bit grateful of weed being some sort of life saver. Really opening my eyes. After so long... I'm searching my own forest once and for all, understanding what I feel towards my friends, my family, and guys. I'm finally going for my own path. I found one... but where does that lead? What does it leave me at the end?
Would be nice to know, actually. 'Cause, man... I've never felt so happy to be so free. Free from my own mind for once. And it's really not gonna be easy. Nothing ever really was in my life and I don't expect things to lighten up anytime soon. I might want my forest to look brighter, but that can't be achieved unless I feel better. And I kind of do.
Feeling like myself. More like myself than I ever had since the beginning of this pathetic fuckery.
Off in the distance, breaking through the cracks of my music came a sound. I believed my name was among the noise when it registered a second time and I plugged my earbuds out, turned and came face, with surprise, at my dad who stood in my room by the door.
By the look of his face... yeah. "Where the hell were you? Why didn't you answer your damn phone?" And when he crossed his arms... this was going to be another one of our usual fights.
Unlike the others, though, I wasn't going to lie. But neither was I going to be a hundred percent open. The inevitable question he always asked was on the rise and pricked my anxiety. I just couldn't feel comfortable yet. "I went over to Andrew's and left my phone by accident."
"Well, the next time you want to leave on Christmas, for the whole damn day, you better tell me or your mother." As much as his anger irritated me before, it just picked the tip of my patience now. He was in the right. But still. "Honestly," he crossed around closer, leaving the door shut behind him, "why did you leave in the first place? Christian and Angeline were looking forward to you opening up their gifts and you weren't even there. What are we supposed to tell them, huh? Bet you didn't even buy them anything..."
What was I supposed to tell them? Christian was such an adorable, little man with a problem no one really knew about, what kept Thomas on edge and pursuing his interest in psychology. Then there was Angeline with eyes like mine, gratefully unlike her father's, and she'd just be this adorable little girl I'd come to love. Honestly... what was I supposed to tell them? With my dad, I could just reply with, "well, I'm sorry."
But his usual response, like now, would be, "well, I'm sorry, means nothing, Chance. You can't sorry your way out of things." No one could, really, if you thought about it.
But I had no answers to give him still. Not even to myself just yet. His anger picked at more than just this tip now. "You don't think I know that?"
"You clearly don't. I'm just saying-"
"-well I'm just saying I got problems, okay?" This was a first... how weak my eyes filled and distorted my vision by a pinch. "I'm just not focused right now and you're just going to keep making me feel bad, aren't you? That's such a dad thing to do."
I guessed I was finally seeing how much this pained me – our fights like this.
I watched how his eyes corrected at mine and he carried himself over on the edge of my bed. "Okay, listen... I don't want to do this shit again. I don't want to always fight you for answers." He looked away once, a face full of wonder and then carried his eyes back on mine. The quick, silent air stung me anxiously. Here it probably came – the inevitable question. "Why would you trust Oliver instead of me? I don't get it."
Simple... "It's not that I don't trust you," it was never the reason, dad, it's just... "There are things kids aren't comfortable telling their parents." That's something you can understand, right?
"And I'll never understand that." We weren't even looking in each other's eyes anymore. Too many times we had when we fought and now we couldn't bare another repeat of the heavy hitting emotions. Honestly... who says men can't feel anything? What kind of fucked up world is that? "I always talked with my parents, because parents should be their children's first best friends, someone they can go to with their problems. You never did that with me or Vera – you still don't. Tori... she does that sometimes but not with all. I still don't even know why you cancelled on our Archery Saturdays – the real reason."
If he knew... he'd never believe me.
"Honestly, son," he continued, prolonged a bit of the quiet air, "sometimes I feel like I really don't know you. Sometimes I don't see myself in you, or anything of Vera. Oliver withheld information from your meetings and I never understood."
"And that's why you punched him that one time..." Makes sense, I guess.
He shrugged his shoulder while his face conveyed a lack of the act. "I can't help but feel disconnected from my kids. When I look at Thomas, I see Logan and Miranda blended into one amazing, original boy who's connected with his parents by their relationship."
"You're madder about that than me actually leaving..."
One last time our eyes connected and I saw something. "I just want to know you, that's all." A father's dream.
The creak of the door turned our attention before I could reply and two little beauties, the embodiment of happiness, marched in. Each room they touched carved out smiles on anyone in it. Like ours. The more I studied her, Angeline, with my kind of eyes, took after her mother's features. Much better than taking after a father who held secrets from his own family. That was worse than what I did.
In their hands they held wrapped gifts when they came up at my feet. The one in Angeline's hand was smaller kind of box while Christian held a bigger one and I wondered what they got me. I flashed a curious smile and theirs beamed with anticipation.
Christian giggled the loudest while Angeline's was soft. Both cute and adorable, oh man. "Hi, Chancey!"
I hunched over, lowering myself close to their height. "What's this?"
"Presents!" Angeline replied. Her excitement jerked her body around in spot. They were just too perfectly cute.
"For me?"
They nodded fast and Angeline pushed her gift up at me. "Open mine first." And so I did.
Past the wrapper came a box, like there was ever any doubt, and inside the box, pushing off the lid as I watched Angeline giddy herself at the suspense of my reaction, I rested in amazement. There were two figures. Two action figures that were from my most favourite superhero team. The one of the left, with blue hair and archer type clothes, Slade, and the other with a Greek battle suit, Marvel.
With more inspection, lifting up one of the figures, laying at the bottom was a new addition comic book following the team-up of these two heroes – An Archer among Gods. I had jotted this down somewhere in anticipation of its release and completely forgot it came out sometimes last week.
I couldn't believe I forgot about this.
Watchmen and its eight founding members were heroes in the sense of the word and human at the same time when two of them weren't even from Earth. Though they appeared to be as. And Slade and Marvel, an Archer and an Amazonian – daughter of Zeus – were two of my favourites. Though Arkham Knight and Oracle kind of beat them to the punch, I still loved these two and now I finally got their team-up comic. Volume 1 apparently. I thought it was a single issue but I was glad for more.
"Do you like it?" She didn't even need to ask. Instead of a reply, I swooped down, kissed her forehead and smiled. She riled with excitement and I could hear my dad's soft chuckles. Honestly... how a man like him made a girl like this.
"Now here's mine. Brother helped me." Christian pushed up his gift when I laid Angeline's down on my desk. He reacted the same way when I opened his up.
A varsity jacket. Custom made. The back of it illustrated with Watchmen, the founding eight members – Slade, Arkham, Titan, Marvel, Metallica, Ghost, Oracle, and Flash. The sides of its ribs were painted with the prominent colours each shared with their costumes. Red, blue, and the darkest shade of black. What damn kickass jacket. I never even knew this existed. Hoodies and a few shirts here and there but varsity jackets? "I love it as much as your gift, Angeline. Thank you both, you little gremlins." And I loved hearing them laugh at it. "Now here, why don't you two play with these?" I gave them the figures, Christian taking Marvel and Angeline taking Slade before they skipped out of my room.
My dad left a weak smile as he left my room. But before I got back to writing, Christian came back in with another gift in his hands. "Oh, I forgot. This is from Brother. He said he wasn't going to give it to you but here you go."
I took the gift in my hands. "Thank you, Christian." Then he skipped out again.
I opened the gift and a pair of dog tags on a silver ball chain stared back from a small rectangle box. The outer rim of the tags were coated in red while the inside was shaded black with white lettering on both sides of the two tags. One side had Thomas' name and an Arrow head beside it, and on the other side had Tori's name with a Greek Goddess symbol – Marvel's symbol. Then the other tag had Christian on one with a pair of two arms in competition and Levy on the other side with a flaming heart – the one time he confessed his love as a burning passion that would never be washed out.
What a jokester.
I decided to wear it around my neck, keeping the tags beneath the tank I wore. Its metal skin cooling the middle of my chest. He may had not been my boyfriend anymore, but he was my friends. A damn good one and like the others, I couldn't afford to lose him. Or see him get hurt in any way.
Before I got back to writing, again, Tori came in now. So I wondered who else was to pop in after her. Mom? Thomas, maybe? Yeah, I doubted that one. Was she going to lecture me, too?
"Why aren't you coming down?" she asked. "You know you don't have to fear Miranda and Logan. It's not like they know you guys aren't together anymore."
That was a good thing. "I just wanted a little peace and quiet to myself."
"And how's that doing you so far?"
"Good, actually. I'm not pissing off anyone this time."
She chuckled. "I know you left because of him... but just stand him one more time for the family. Dinner's basically done."
I sighed. "I just don't want to go down there and ruin the mood. I'm not going to be as happy as everyone else and I know Shane will piss me off." Why the hell did he think we could be brothers again?
"Then whenever you feel your blood boil, just look in my eyes, dad's eyes, or even Thomas... did you guys really have a mutual break-up?" she asked. "I mean, I know I never wanted it to happen but you were always calm around him."
"If he told you then why question it?"
"Because I don't know... always though he was going to do it because of how much of an asshole you were," she replied. "So, honestly... what the hell just happened? You're less of an asshole now." I saw that smirk of hers. When will she ever change?
"A lot happened."
"A lot happened? That's very detailed, brother. Come on, you can tell me because how you just gone take a 360 turn like that?" I shrugged, shook my head and smiled. "Are you sure you weren't smoking with Andrew and drinking for you to realize this? Are you really sure?"
I nod. "I'm sure. Honestly."
"Hmm, right. But I'll believe you... for now," she said. "But come, come. We are a family and you're a part of it. Never forget that."
"I know. I won't. But-"
"Chance..." She crossed around to the edge of my bed. "I'll be there keeping you calm, remember? And Thomas... whatever you got going around in there, you know too damn well he's as much of an anchor to you as I am. I know it's going to be awkward, but don't forget you two are still friends. Be like it." She pulled herself up then, paused for a moment as her eyes glazed over below my chin – the tags – smiled small and then dragged me off my chair. "Come, come, loser. Let's get some dinner."
I tensed in the awkward atmosphere but all smiles were around n everyone. Even the weak smile on Thomas assured me. But still the tension stuck to my body language around Shane who smiled, a bit of curiosity in his eyes. We all gathered around the table, Thomas and Tori on either of my sides and of course, Shane just had to be the one across from me. But fuck that, I wouldn't let it get to me. Besides, little Angeline sat on his lap and she assured me a lot more.
No one bothered asking me any questions, which I thought was kind of weird. But then guessed dad must've watered their fire already. And a silence fell over. Not much an awkward one, but just one in peace and quiet. Enjoying the food that was made.
"There's a Winter Festival going on, Arthur," Mom said, breaking the air. "Did Victor say anything about that?" He brought his head up and shook his head. Curious. "He and Alicia are hosting it this year."
"It's back? Since when?" he asked in return.
The Winter Festival was a tradition here in Clarence, much like it was in Gravity Falls' years back before we picked it up. It became a place where you bring your family, like a second Christmas and you unite with the rest of the city. It usually took place in the heart of the city or in Gravity Falls, but since two years ago, the Festival couldn't be funded and nobody vouched to host. But it looked like Chris' parents picked it up.
"Since the community voted for it. We've gone two years without it and Alicia really wanted it back. They've been planning it for a while and got a sign of approval since enough people voted yes and because they could fund the project out of their money and everybody else's," she explained.
"Where's it happening?"
"I think, Grand Millennium in Gravity Falls."
"Oh, really? Cool. When's it happening, though?"
"The last weekend of the break," she answered. "A week and five days away. I think it'll fine with all of us there. Shana and Rafael, Logan and Miranda, Victor and Alicia and all our kids. Since when have we been all together? It's been years!" Her eyes darted towards us three – Tori, Shane and I. "You guys were just kids at the first Festival."
"And don't forget Dominic and Laura Johnson." Levy's parents.
"Right, right."
"I probably might not be able to go," Shane said and I was more than glad about that. Not like I wanted him there anyway. "I got work the whole week."
"Would you be able to tell Anthony about it, though?" Dad asked and I cringed at his name. Funny how without him here, just the mention of his name could hurt me. But... I would be at a point where it never will. Not ever again. "I've honestly been wondering about that boy."
Shane hesitated for a while. "Things are kind of rough with him. He's trying to find a home down here so he could commute to Henrick easily. And besides, he got figured down in Illinois and wants to do something with his life back here," he explained. "I offered him a stay at my house but he refuses for no damn reason other than he just doesn't want to."
"Then how about he stay here?"
Though I was set with my food, I wandered up at my mom when I heard her clear her throat. "I don't think that's a good idea."
In response before he spoke, he narrowed his eyes. "Why not?"
"I mean, should we really bring in his problems here? We're already stressed enough as it is. It'll be best if he figured it out or let Shane help him some other way," Tori added.
"He doesn't have any problems other than money troubles," Shane replied. "I'll give his number, dad, and you can give him a call."
"How bout he finds a way to get out of debt then..." I said. "He doesn't need to stay here..."
"But you two were close," Dad said.
"Not anymore..."
An awkward vibe edged in the air and the only the happiness of the kids playing with each other and laughing were heard. Until dad spoke up again. "Okay, so... I'll just give him some money. He was like a son to me and was really a good kid. Can't hurt to pay him back after all the gratitude he had towards this family."