Phillips wanted me on the transmitter today running today's operation. The Howling Commandos as they like to call themselves were going after Dr. Zola, Schmidt's top scientist and right hand man. They had burned a hole through Schmidt's defenses. This was one of their last missions. I was really just the contact back at base if they needed anything. I was only supposed to use this radio to talk strategy, or whatever, but I abused my position and talked to Bucky for awhile. I didn't think I would get into trouble, no one was in the room, and it sounded like Bucky was alone.
"The train is only thirty minutes away Buck, you should probably join the others don't you think?" I said into the microphone. I waited carefully for the scratchy reply. I hoped he wouldn't agree and we could just talk a little more.
"Aww come on Anna Banana, I've got time. We've got time." His voice sounded light and happy, something I knew he wasn't.
"Phillips is going to kill me." I told Bucky, and he probably would if he found out I was just having some every day conversation on the radio wasting the battery.
"Please, Phillips loves you. He treats you like a daughter." That was an exaggeration. Phillips did not treat me like a daughter, but I did suspect he was a bit soft on me. He never yelled at me, even when I had let the precious super soldier go past enemy lines. He trusted me with things higher than my clearance.
"Do you guys know what you are doing? Are you ready?"
"I guess so. I don't think I'll ever be ready for this. Jumping onto a moving train was a crazy plan."
"Hey it wasn't mine."
"It was yours to get Zola!" I did mention the idea.
"You'll be fine Buck, you guys are prepared and ready." I assured him.
"I wish I was there with you guys, Buck." I said wistfully into the microphone. Peggy was the lucky gal that often accompanied the Howling Commandos. I usually stayed behind and ran the missions from the base. I also helped strategize and design the missions. But I'd be lying if I said that I wanted to stay behind, because I really didn't. I wanted to run all over Europe with my best friends and kick ass.
"I wish you were here too Anna."
"What's it like out there today?"
"It's snowy, there's about a foot of snow down everywhere. Some parts have more snow and some have less, because of the high winds. It's windy here, but nothing dangerous, just a normal mountain winter wind. It's cold too, maybe twenty degrees or lower. The mountains are beautiful, it's a beautiful view I'm looking at now. There's just so many of the snow covered mountains bellow us. Everywhere I can see little peeks and, between those peeks the sunlight slips through. It's quite the view, but I don't think it beats a Brooklyn sun set." There was a long pause and I imagined him sitting down on a snowy mountain over looking a valley perhaps. It was cold, the wind was probably bitting, but he ignored it. It seemed like a beautiful view, but he was probably to nervous to really relax and enjoy it. There was a long sigh before he said anything in the radio.
"Anna, I have to tell you something—" I quickly turned around at the sound of the door opening, I quickly turned down the radio to the point where I couldn't hear it anymore.
"Phillips is requesting you. He said you ordered an uncanny amount of morphine, and penicillin and he wanted to make sure it was a valid oder." Peggy informed me, and I rolled my eyes. A super soldier would run morphine out of their system in minutes so we needed a lot to numb the pain.
"Okay, here you take control of this. The train is only...well about 20 minutes away now. Let me just wrap this up real quick." I told Peggy.
"Hey Buck, can you hear me?" I said into the microphone, I waited for the reply.
"I'm sorry I didn't hear any of that, Peggy just came in and now I have to go. I'll see you later, okay? And then you can tell me whatever you need to tell me. It seemed pretty serious, I'm all yours when you get back. I have to go, I'll see ya later. Be safe Bucky."
"Yeah, I will, bye Anna."
It didn't feel right. I didn't believe it. He wasn't dead. He wanted to talk to me. He never did.
"Bye Anna"
No.
I raced down the halls of the base. They were lying. Steve was supposed to arrive any moment now. He flew home, well here, as soon as he could. He would tell me it was a miscommunication, even though Peggy is one of the sharpest tools I know. Bucky would appear beside him and make fun of me for freaking out so harshly. Peggy wouldn't have gotten that message mixed up. But I wished she did. I prayed she did.
Steve got off the plane, his Howling Commandos somberly followed him. I raced towards them.
"Steve!" I called out and he looked up, and when his eyes met mine, tears filled the rims and spilled over. He reached me and pulled me into a suffocating embrace. I cried into his chest and we stood there sobbing. This wasn't supposed to happen. We were all supposed to grow old together. We weren't supposed to die.
We were invincible.
"Tell me what happened, you have to." I begged Steve. My sentence came stumbling out, it was a mess of sobs and tired slurs.
"We were on the train, and there was just one HYDRA soldier left, but he had a powerful gun. A really powerful weapon. Bucky picked up the shield, the weapon fired and bounced off blasting a hole in the train. Bucky got sucked out. I ran—I ran."
"I was balanced on the part of the train that was blasted out, Bucky was there hanging on a bar that was about to break."
"I told him to take my hand. I reached out—but he fell."
"I tried, I tried, I tried so hard Anna." Steve repeated and he started to cry again. We were sitting outside, still by the plane that had just landed. I wiped my tears and bought Steve into another hug. I leaned up and wiped Steve's tears.
"It wasn't your fault, nobody blames you." I whispered and he started to cry harder and tightened his grasp on me. I can only describe the sound as his cries, as the sound of pain. I understand pain isn't a tangible thing, but here it was, it was in the sound of Steve's cries, and it was in the wetness of our tears.
We stayed outside for awhile in complete silence, unsure how to continue. My eyes were dry and swollen. My nose was runny, and my lips could still taste salt. And yet I felt only a tinge of relief. It still felt hard to breath, and maybe it was because I was hyperventilating just a few moments ago, or maybe it was because the air under my wings was gone.
"Come on, lets get you cleaned up, so you can rest." I told Steve, I was the first to push myself off the ground. I offered Steve a hand up, and he took it. Shortly we were shuffling towards his room. I waited in his room while he was in the showers. I laid on his bed staring at the ceiling. How could this happen? There was a knock on his door. It was stiff and clean. I opened the door and on the other side was Colonel Phillips. He looked a bit surprised to see me in Steve's room, but tried not to show it too much.
"I wanted to personally deliver this to Rogers. This is his stuff, the things he wanted you two to have. I'm very sorry for your loss Anna." He said handing me a light package. That was the first time he had called me Anna. I thanked him for it and he left shortly. I sat the package down on Steve's desk. I sat back down on the bed staring at the small package. It was so light, there wasn't anything big in it too. But it wasn't for me to open. It was Steve's. Phillips brought it to Steve's room. I really wanted to open the small light brown box. It was about as thick as a three hundred page book, and as long as a piece of paper. But at the same time, I really didn't want to open up the box, it meant Bucky was really dead. It was the items he wanted us to have when he died.
Bucky had always been the glue that kept all of us together. He was the reliable rock that we built our church on. He was the backbone of our friend group. He wasn't supposed to die.
Steve came back to his room looking more comfortable. He was wearing a plain white shirt and some army issued pants. His dog tags shifted as he walked. He didn't notice the package on his desk at first. He took a seat on the edge of the bed. I sat up kneeling behind him.
"Steve, Phillips dropped this off for you. It was—"
"His"
"Yeah"
"I'll leave you with it." I told him and I left for my own room.
There was a knock on my door shortly. It was a deep knock, with some weight and lethargy to it. It was Steve's. I opened up my door and let him in. He sat down on my bed and I followed him sitting next to him. He didn't tell me what was in the box. Afterwards I learned there was a letter for him and Bucky's will. I never read the letter, it seemed too private, like the last visitation between two brothers.
"This is for you." He said holding up an envelope for me. It had my name neatly written in pen. I carefully opened the envelope careful not the rip such a valuable item. I took out the letter and unfolded it. The paper felt heavy in my hands and I almost dreaded to read what was on it.
Dear Anna Banana, it read.
I don't even know how to start this. There's so much I wish I could say to you. So let me start by saying, I'm going to miss you like hell. You have a very special place in my heart Anna, I'm so proud of you. You're such a fearless, intelligent women, that I know will go far. I know you're going to change the world some day. You've changed mine. You've always dreamed big, and I know you'll reach the heavens one day. And I'll always be there with you to cheer you on.
The thing I need to tell you the most is this: Anna Smith, I am deeply, madly and irresistibly in love with you. I know my timing is awful, and I pray to every God out there that you don't have to read this. And I know you're thinking about all those times I chased after some girl while you rolled your eyes. You seemed to good to be true, in every woman I met I tried to find some part of you in them. You were always untouchable to me, the woman that would never fall for me. I tried to find someone that was close to you, so I wasn't stuck wishing for you. But in every person I've met there is only one person that warms my heart like you do. And there is only one person that can make me smile like you do. You were the only one that would make me so happy I felt like I was floating. It was you, it's always been you. And I'm sorry you're reading this, instead of being told this. And I'm sorry that I'm not there with you, but you deserve someone that makes you feel the way you make me feel. You deserve someone to listen to your stories, and someone to support your dreams, someone to laugh at your jokes. You deserve someone who will walk the ends of the Earth for you. You deserve everything, and don't ever settle for anything or anyone less. And I hope you find someone who makes you feel the way I do with you. Anna, I love you. I love you. I love you. Nothing will ever change that, remember me when you grow old on that rocking chair. Remember me on those rainy days, I'll always be there for you.
Love forever and always,
Bucky
How do you measure a man's life who saw it as the greatest gift? How do you tell a person what he was like after he passed? Do you tell them your fondest story, or just simply their best traits? Do you hide the pain in your voice or wear it like a scarlet letter?
He was amazing. You can do better than that.
He was indescribable. No.
He deserved more than a few words that somehow had to sum up his life. He deserved more than all of this. He deserved the world, but I couldn't give it to him. I didn't hold him when I had the chance. I never loved him when I had the chance. I never loved him and yet, he gave his heart to me. I tried to give him everything, but failed. I had missed by oceans. So I hope that somehow he knew I tried to give him everything.
It seemed like something ended for me that day. It ended an era of youth. I couldn't live in the same naive space I had before. I was changed, scared and beaten, and a part of my heart was missing. He had ended this chapter just like he had started it.