Okay, first of all. I've been thinking about this for quite awhile and i've decided to confront the problem- well, ask people the 'question'.
I just want all of you to think, how hard is it to open up?
Just... sit there and think.
Why is it hard to tell someone how you feel/ your secrets?
I'm coming clean, for this part of this thingie-ma-bob, I find it uncontrollably hard to say the truth of how I feel. Because, honestly... I can't feel anything. I'm just numb.
Sure, the bullying for 'now' has finished, but that's because i'm on holidays. But... honestly, i'm just... fucking done. Really, i'm sick of the people at my school, I hate them. If someone honestly now pushes me- or even cut the line to the fucking bus, I will say something.
It will be either, "Get behind me" or, "THIS IS WHY I HATE PEOPLE" i've said that quite a few times at school loudly, causing people to look at me in shock (probably because I don't talk to any of them), that and no one really say's anything when someone's in the 'wrong'.
There's apart of me, through my actions I have decided that is broken- well that's a lie. I know i'm broken. So many places, so many thing's are.
I don't think people understand how I feel, I know my friend's don't, i've told two people about it, one has left me, ditching me for my ex-friend's and the second one seems to notice me have an anxiety attack.
Sure, she only noticed one. But who didn't?
Someone stole my wallet, my new iPod I spent month's working for, and my book of sanity (a book where I write my stories and idea's in). I found my wallet empty on the ground, I got my iPod back (AFTER A TEACHER ASKED PEOPLE ABOUT IT, and they said 'Insert name' had it and she then literally screamed at them until they handed it over), and then I found my book on the bathroom ground.
It had thing's written all over it, pages ripped out and it even had burn mark's over it.
Since when in society is this even acceptable? I should be able to get justice, but no. Apparently, my own property is in my 'care'. NO, it wasn't, the teacher's lock our bag's up in the change rooms for 'safety'. So, I guess it's my fault for letting myself trust and respect 'the system' when other's don't.
THAT, and THEY WENT INTO MY FUCKING BAG. NO. THEY PICKED MY BAG, OUT OF EVERYONE'S, AND DECIDED THEY COULD TAKE MY STUFF.
Of course 'I shouldn't take it to heart. It could have been anyone's' then why wasn't it someone else's, or numerous people?
Why did they go through my book, writing 'FAT BITCH' 'IDIOT' "WHORE' 'NERD' 'FREAK OF NATURE' through it?
Why did they spend time, writing on each page to make sure my work is unreadable, and even burn it?
Why did they graffiti immature thing's on my little drawings in there?
Why would they do that to me?
Because i'm me. I'm Caitlin. That's why.
My parent's have started to pick up on me not eating either, my mum asked me about it and I say the same thing over and over again, "I'm just not hungry"
"I'm just not hungry"
"I'm just not hungry"
"I'm just not hungry"
"I'm just not hungry"
"I'm just not hungry"
"I'm just... not... hungry"
Truth is, I don't feel hungry. I don't realize I haven't eaten for three day's straight, when my mum bring's in a plate of food, I don't touch it. That little voice in my head say's what my parent's said through my life, "Think... do you really need that?"
Another one is, "Don't, you can't... don't do it"
When I look at food, I don't look at it and think 'That look's yummy, i'm going to eat it', most of the time I think, 'I don't need it. I'll just have tea instead' and i'll make myself a cup of tea.
My dad, last year around Christmas noticed me not eat anything at a BBQ party, and then asked me "Do you have a eat disorder?", I don't think i've ever been so scared in my life. I don't... do I?
Everyone around me turned and looked at me, and I stood there in shock and fear, so I stuttered out a 'No' and hid away from everyone until I was able to leave.
But the thing is, I think i'm mentally just fucked up.
Last year, my Nana made me a bacon sandwich, which was rare for me because I never eat bacon. As I was accepting it, my mum say's "You don't need it. Bacon's fattening. Mum, don't give it to her, she can't afford to get fatter"
....
I'm not fat.
I'm not, I know i'm not... but if everyone say's it's true, it's got to be, isn't it? Sure, i'm not 'Super model thin', i'm curvy, that's it. Nothing else.
Now, my mum cooks bacon, and I feel instantly sick when I see it. I can't eat it, I can't look at the damn meat.
I can't do that with lot's of food now, it's just become a habit, "Don't eat it, you'll get fat", okay then. I won't.
My mum now tries to compliment me, she told me I looked 'Pretty' today. No, i'm not. I can't be, people told me i'm not, people have written it all over Face Book, told me to my face and whisper it to their friend's, if i'm fucking 'pretty', why hasn't anyone- ANYONE from outside my family fucking say that to me.
Answer me that, through reality- the world I live in, the one away from this site and the virtual world... when has someone besides my family say to me, "You're pretty", "You're beautiful", "I love your smile", "You're funny", "You're perfect", and so forth?
Is that just some stupid thing I grew up believing in? Fairy tales and stories about a girl who is beautiful, everyone in the story is and they live 'happily ever after'.
I can't sleep at night's either, I lay there thinking of "WHAT IFS".
What if, someone came and accepted me for me?
What if I met *Insert band name* and accepted me for me?
What would happen if I died? Would people miss me? What people regret saying and doing mean thing's to me?
Then, I start imagining different scenarios of meeting band's (to which I mostly convert them into my stories and make them about One Direction).
At a fucking 'Anti-bullying' conference, a student- whom is an bully, asked everyone what people live for.
People said 'For their dream job', 'Starting a family', 'To find my "soul mate"', me on the other hand (we did this anonymously) said because of my brother and sister.
The teachers saw this, and then told everyone to write down why they thought that and put in the box anonymously, I did and they read it out loud.
"Because without them, i'd honestly be dead. I have to protect them from the world, I was lied to. The world isn't a nice place, i've been bullied and abused, and I don't want that to happen to them."
You should have heard the silence in that room, people looked around and you could tell they were trying to figure it out who it was.
My friend, who know's about this (she's the one that noticed my anxiety attack), looked at me with a expression, it could be concern- I don't know.
The other girl though, when I had told her how I would much rather be dumb and end up in a dead end job, and then let my brother and sister get their dream job. I told her, that if my parent's ever tried to send me to a private school that cost's alot, I would refuse and tell them to send them instead.
Is that weird?
Maybe, but I am alive because of them, I was the one that pulled my brother out of the sea when he was drowning, I was the one that screamed and tackled my sister off of the road when a car was speeding towards her, I was the one that stood in front of them both as one of my neighbour hood 'crazy kids' ran at us with a knife.
And yet, they scream at me and tell me they hate me...
It just- I can't feel anything, but I can feel that. I can feel how sad I am when I hear that, that and their word's circle my head.
Is it natural for them to say that? For them to call me what my bullies do? To scream and hit me when they're angry?
They're younger than me... and yet I don't anything but try to protect them.
Then there's school.
DO you know how bad I am at school? I can't concentrate, I have to block everything and everyone out so I can try to focus on not screaming, not have a panic attack, to not let myself 'fall' again.
I have anxiety/panic attacks when I do tests, I freak out about it, then my mind goes blank. Even though, I know everything there is about the damn subject, i'll have an anxiety attack half way through it, "Is it wrong, is it right, is it pi?!"
And yes I tried to add humour to this, I didn't want this to be one depressing thing... even though i'm falling apart.
But the thing is, I can't tell people. I probably won't upload this, i'll delete it like i've done numerous times before.
I've done this twenty times before, different thing's over and over again... yet I haven't uploaded it.
I guess I don't want to Annoy you guy's with it.
Well... I guess i'll leave it at that. I might delete it, if I do... you'll never know, so why does this matter?
If don't delete it and you're reading this....
Why?