I had a dream about Josh that night. I had gone to bed at around midnight because of the torturous exhaustion, and I felt as if it didn't take long for my mind to conjure him up inside of my brain. He was just so beautiful that he kind of felt like a dream, but he hugged me last night and I felt his skin and I knew he wasn't. And I felt like I should have been scared because of that, but I didn't have the power to fear him.
Nothing really happened during the dream itself, though. It was like watching one of the days earlier this week through a camera that had a slightly thicker lens with a few glossy coats over it. We were on the bleachers and talking about the death of decent education programs and smiling and enjoying each other, and he was shimmering. Literally shimmering in front of me. The sight was incredible, and he didn't notice that I could barely keep my eyes from him as he spoke animatedly, hands moving and eyes widening. But it was just a dream, and if I stared like that while we were actually together, he would definitely notice and think I was weird.
In fact, my first words when I woke happened to be, "Wow, I'm a freak," and that's where anything positive ended.
I felt like crap today, and I didn't really know why. And, honestly, that's one of the most frustrating things in the entire universe. Not knowing why you're upset is like not knowing what time you have to be somewhere important or not knowing what you got on a test that could determine your future. You can't go anywhere without the information, and so it just made everything a lot more difficult and exasperating.
Ruffling my hair with my small fingers, I felt my stomach rumble a ridiculous amount while I yawned into the empty air of my room. My eyes were burning from something unknown, and so I rubbed them gently to rid them of the remains of a somewhat decent nights sleep. My jeans from yesterday were still on, and I rubbed my temples, wondering how I happened to take my sweatshirt and shirt off, but kept on the pants. And it didn't help that they were skinny jeans and that I probably had a very small amount of blood flow moving down towards the lower half of my body.
I needed a shower, really.
A nice, warm, long shower that I could cry during.
It was only 6:00 and school started at 7:00, and so I had an hour to conceal all of my negative energy.
With that, I threw on a sweatshirt and walked out into the living room to grab one of the towels from one of the boxes I was hoping I could find (because I have no idea where the one I already had went), only to be met with my mother sitting on the floor with her head in her hands. She was surrounded by photo albums all along the floor, and they were all open. Some individual pictures were out of the book and closer to her, and I wished I could see exactly what they showed. But I would bet money that they had something to do with my father. And if that was the case, I honestly needed to get out of here before this entire situation made me feel even worse. She refused to let it go.
"Mom?" I asked cautiously, moving closer to her slowly. In moments like this, she reminded me of a really rotten wooden boat. She's good for absolutely nothing, other than breaking even further and drowning her passengers and soaking her cargo. And that's her. She has way too many holes to do any good, and that angered me and made me sad all at once.
"Mom," I repeated, "I need a towel."
She wouldn't even look at me. "If you couldn't tell, I'm a bit busy, son."
"If you could just tell me where they are then-" I began, but she cut me off with more venom in her voice than I've heard from her in a while.
"Just be quiet for a second," she hissed. "Can't you find it yourself? You're a big boy, last I checked."
I was trying to keep calm. I really, really was. It wasn't often that I got angry, and so I kept it to a minimum, giving her one more chance to answer my question before I started ransacking through the stuff myself.
"I. Just. Need. A. Towel," I breathed, tugging my sleeves over my hands. It was a bit chilly in here, and I was getting mad and she didn't care about anything that didn't concern a man she was never going to see again.
And, yeah, sometimes I miss him. But I have absolutely no hard feelings regarding it. He was slightly crazy and a bit eccentric in everybody single sense of the word, and I didn't mind that he went to explore and stuff. Because I know for sure that he's not at all dead. Sure, it wasn't right for him to walk out on us and choose a life that wasn't even certain in any way, but I honestly didn't care. If he didn't feel like parenthood was for him, who were we to tell him to stay? It's not like he screwed my mother and ran away. No. That's not what happened.
"Find one," she sighed.
I turned around at her words, preparing to make my way to wherever I would be able to find what I needed.
"One more thing, mom."
"Yes?"
"Can I use your car?"
I knew that she didn't have to work later because of the night shift, and I had no car. She obviously didn't want to drive me and so borrowing her vehicle was basically my only hope, despite my obvious despondency towards the entire thing.
"Go for it."
~~~
Instead of simply crying in the shower, I came close to drowning in both anger and my own tears. I just kept going over the conversation with her in my head over and over, and it only made me a bit sick. And by the time I had even gotten out of the bathroom, I was over the toilet, puking.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mother and I knew she loved me. But those times during which she treated me like I wasn't even anywhere close to a first priority made me want to cry. Because if I wasn't good enough for my mom, who was I good enough for?
I worried myself sick, in the most literal sense.
But I still got dressed and still washed my face even more and brushed my teeth and grabbed a pencil and walked out of the door with some sort of lacking feeling in my chest. The porch seemed like a nice place to me now, though, even during this. I could almost feel his arms wrapped around me still as I walked down it and on to the driveway, tightening the grip on my mother's keys that lay inside of the bag slung across my shoulder.
Taking them out, the jingle shocked the silent air and I sighed, taking my phone out of my pocket just to check the time again. I climbed into her car and sat down in the drivers seat, sighing and turning the screen on. Though the time was pushed to the back of my brain as I saw a text on the screen.
Josh: Desperately hoping we're still on for later, and that you're actually showing up because this school would be incredibly boring without you now that I know you exist as a human being.
He never really failed to make me smile, because everything he said was so genuine. But would it really be boring without me? I mean, honestly. All I do is act as a nice target for people after only three days, and speak to Josh in soft and dumb words. I haven't made a huge impact on anything, as far as I'm concerned.
But it made me feel a little better all the same.
Tyler: It probably says in the student handbook that students aren't allowed to miss their fourth day or school. So, lucky for you, I'll be there. And I still love ice cream.
As soon as I sent it, I almost slammed my head through the window of my mother's very nice car. I sounded so rude, I mentally screamed, groaning and dropping my head down on the steering wheel.
I prayed that he would take it as a joke like I had intended for him to, and I had a feeling he would, and so I allowed myself to actually start driving as calmly as possible towards the school. It took me a few minutes due to me not knowing exactly where it was, and so I tried to follow road signs and things as I drove. It's a lot more difficult then I imagined it to be. Multi-tasking while I drove. Because I was driving and looking for my destination at the same time, with thoughts in my head and a quiver in my hand. It was miracle I had gotten here without crashing, really.
There wasn't really anyone in the parking lot because it was a bit late, and so I didn't worry about parking and just slid into the first empty space that I could, lazily gathering my bag from the passenger seat where I had somehow set it and taking the keys from the ignition. And I was going to open the car door when something slammed itself down on the hood of the car, making me scream at the top of my lungs. It was so loud that it made me lose my breath, which is why the scream was only, like, three seconds long.
My chest heaved as I looked up to find Josh sprawled across the front of the car, a smile on his face and waving as if he didn't just try to attack me. I had a hand over my heart to show him the ridiculous amount of fear he just inflicted upon me, and he laughed. A musical, muffled, and light sound, and shook his head. His eyes were crinkling around the corners, and I very nearly fainted right then.
Opening the door, I hopped out of the car, wondering who he thought he was to do that to me.
"How dare you," I screamed, shoving him.
"Did I scare you?" He smiled.
~~~
The day was nothing different from the days before. Dennis handed out more dirty looks to the two of us then usual, but I knew he knew it wasn't worth it to attack us again. Mercury and James waved at us in the lunchroom, but we didn't sit next to each other.
And before I knew it, we were in my mom's car, because his brother had driven him to school today, instead of him driving himself. He blamed it on his ever present laziness, but I just rolled my eyes at him, trying to smother my smile.
"So where exactly is this ice cream place you insist on taking me?"
"I'll have you know its no more than ten minutes down the road. And it's a beautiful little shop with employees that love me much more than I deserve," he laughed, taping the dashboard with a sense of urgency. "Onward!"
"Look, Josh. It's difficult to keep up with you," I joked, making him laugh.
"You have no idea."
Despite my words, I started driving and listening to his directions as he instructed me on where to go and when to turn. In our third minute of the drive, he took out an Aux cord and his phone from his pocket, plugging them both into the car, and started scrolling.
"What are you doing?" I asked curiously.
"Exposing you to even greater music," he said, smiling. Suddenly, a voice came through the speaker and I raised my eyebrows, because I certainly didn't hate it.
"What is it?"
"Andreas by Seahaven," he said dreamily, sighing. "Amazing band, I'm telling you."
I'm sure he could've played me a song about a grown man crapping his pants and I would have loved it, because he did. And the look in his eyes as he mouthed the lyrics made me happy, and the melodies and beat found a home with him. But I really, really did like the song, and I made a mental note to not forget it.
We sat in silence, aside from the song, and it felt nice. But then he screamed out in pure enthusiam, clapping his hands vigorously.
"TURN," he shouted, making me jump, and grin, simultaneously. "Oh my god, we're here. Okay, so it is with great honor that I introduce you to the most amazing ice cream shop in all of Ohio."
It looked very old fashioned and very welcoming. There was only three cars already here, and I visibly relaxed at the thought of there not being that many people. I didn't do well with crowds, which should be obvious by now, and Josh flung himself from the car before I could even stop it.
My heart just about stopped beating as he unblocked is seat belt, opened the door, and jumped from the still moving car like his life depended on it.
"Josh, what are you doing? Do you get joy from dangerous situations involving cars?"
"That was hardly dangerous," he retorted, coming over to meet me on the drivers side. He stuck his elbow out to me, and I smiled at him curiously. "You gonna walk in with me or not?" He asked, and I swear to God, even though it lacked any actual romance, I almost melted. And we walked in the door, giggling and making jokes about him being a professional stuntman. His arm was linked with mine and he opened the door for me as best as he could, being attached to me and all.
With the contact that was going on, it was a bit difficult to focus on anything else, but I tried. The parlor itself was super cute, and it smelled like dairy heaven. So many scents danced in the air and across my airways, making me hum. It was like various candies and chocolates and fruits all over the place, and a huge ice cream buffet sat in the far end of the room, tables strewn everywhere.
"Aunt Marge?" Josh called, pulling me over to a door that said EMPLOYEES ONLY in bold letters. He opened the door anyway, and we were met with a woman that had the biggest smile I've seen in a while on her face, and she rushed forward to grab Josh in a hug.
"Hey, Aunt Marge," he breathed, laughing as he squeezed her back. I felt rude watching this, but he moved apart from her, and she grinned at me. She had one of those smiles that made you want to return it, and so I did. She turned back to Josh, though, and spoke to him again, in a more concerned and gentle way.
"How are you doing?" She asked seriously.
"Good," he assured. "Much better. Much, much better."
Smiling once again, she knocked his shoulder with her fist. "Good. Send your mom my love, by the way."
And before I could even process anything, she moved back to me.
"Hi," she exclaimed, holding her hand out in front of her. Handshakes were always awkward for me, but I tried anyway, and hoped she couldn't tell I was nervous. "Are you Josh's friend?" She asked.
"I'd like to think so," I laughed. Josh narrowed his eyes at me playfully.
"In that case, have some free ice cream, boys. Go help yourselves."
~~~
"She's not really my Aunt," he explained, scooping an abundant amount of gummy bears onto his chocolate ice cream with one swift movement. "She's my mom's best friend, and we all love her to peices. Such a sweet woman."
"She would have to be," I replied, throwing on some chocolate syrup. I had gotten vanilla ice cream, chocolate chips, and gummy worms, and literally couldn't wait to swallow all of this. "Who gives away ice cream?"
He cut his eyes at me jokingly. "I just have that effect on people," he replied, holding out his elbow again. "Thanks, Aunt Marge!" He shouted, leading me to the door again.
We walked to his car the same way we walked away from it, smiling and joking. He jumped into the car eagerly, digging his spoon into his mix and shoving it into his mouth.
"Oh my god," he groaned, nodding. "This place is always so good."
He motioned to mine quickly, silently telling me to try it, and I did. Needless to say, I was entirely impressed. "Okay, wow, you weren't lying".
"Who lies about quality tooth decay!" He screeched, laughing. "This is a blessing that neither of us deserve, but these are the things you have to take anyway, Tyler."
"I'll never go back to Dairy Queen after this. What's this place called again?"
"Scoop," he replied simply.
"Thats it?" I asked, surprised.
"Yep."
"Who knew Ohio had so many great things to offer?"
"Besides quality ice cream, what else does Ohio have?" He asked curiously, turning to me. He really had no idea.
"U-um, it, uh, has," I stammered. "It has y-you."
His eyes flew to mine instantly, and he looked serious for a second, before shaking his head at me with a small, watery smile on his face. Oh, god. I screwed up, didn't I?
"Thanks, Tyler. I like to think I spice things up a bit," he laughed, shaking his butt in the seat.
I giggled, scooping up a gummy bear. "I'll be the first to say that you do."
***
A/N: This took me forever, sorry. Excuse any mistakes because there's gonna be some. I have no wifi lmao.