A/N:
Was a bit busy yesterday but I said yesterday or today, right? So...umm...Don't hate me. I'm serious.
I remember when we bought the You & I One Direction fragrance for Alex earlier this year. The look on her face when she'd opened the wrapped box is something I'll always remember. Along with all the other times she got any One Direction merchandise but that's besides the point.
She'd really really wanted to get You & I from the first day she saw it's advert and at that time I had been so broke. I don't know why those perfumes cost a fortune but they do and I couldn't afford it then. I'd talked to my Dad and he promised he'd order it for her as soon as he could. A week later it was in Alex's hands and I'd never seen the kid so happy. My Dad had gone and gotten her the whole gift set with the candles, shower gels and everything!
But she used it sparingly, since she wanted it to last until she either got another one or she got the new one they'd just released. The new one, Between Us, was supposed to be her birthday gift which was in a month.
I buried my face in Alex's pillow, the one I'd been cuddling, inhaling the mango and grapefruit-y smell. After crying for almost a week, it was surprising that I started to cry right then. I longed for numbness to overcome me. If there's a way I could wrench out my heart, I would because feeling all these emotions were killing me.
'Cecelia, she's-Alex ...she's-gone...
It had just been four days since my Dad had called me, his voice thick with tears. I had been frozen in shock and I could vaguely remember Chris talking to me before getting my phone and speaking to my father. I don't remember how I got home, I guess it was Chris who drove me . I remember the ambulance that sat outside our house and I remember seeing the paramedics wheel out a body in a black body bag. I remember humorlessly thinking how this looked like a scene out of CSI or one of those crime investigation series.
I guess I'd been having time lapses because I couldn't remember what happened next but I remember being in Alex's room and laying on her bed which had been cold and unmade; making me wonder how long it had been since...
I was angry. At myself for not being there during her last moments. At the school system for making me have tests that day. And at God for taking Alex away from me.
I felt so empty. She was gone. I'd never get to hug her or laugh with her...
Would the pain ever end?
There was a knock at the door a while later but I didn't even bother answering. How long had I been here? Three hours? I was completely oblivious of time but it did seem darker.
I felt the bed dip beside me and moments later, a hand stroking my hair.
'Hey.'
I pulled away from the pillows to see Chris give me a small, sad smile.
'I brought you some soup,' he said.
I shook my head and buried my head back into the pillow. 'I told you I don't want anything.'
I heard him sigh before putting away the bowl on the night stand. 'Come on then...let's get you out of these clothes then, baby. They must be uncomfortable.'
I pulled away from the pillow again and looked at him. He was still in his black suit, except he'd removed the tie and the coat and opened a few buttons at the top of his dress shirt. He looked tired, his eyes red rimmed, dark circles lined his eyes.
The black dress I was in wasn't so comfortable to be in but I didn't want to leave this bed. For the past few days I hadn't left this room at all except when I had to go to the bathroom or shower and today when we had to attend Alex's funeral.
'Who's downstairs?' I asked. My throat felt dry and sore from crying.
'Your grandparents, one of your aunts and my grandmother,' he replied, his hand still gently stroking my hair.
'You should go home,' I told him, closing my eyes.
'I'm not leaving you,' he whispered. I opened my eyes. His mouth lifted at the sides, 'Besides, I know I'm going to be grounded once I get there.'
I snorted, 'It's inevitable.'
He nodded, tilting his head sideways. 'Yeah.'
We didn't speak for a while; his hand still stroking my hair while he watched me. I had my eyes closed but I could feel his eyes on me.
'Does the pain ever go away?' I asked in a whisper.
His hand stilled before continuing. 'It does, after some time.'
'I miss her,' I said, my voice breaking.
'I know,' Chris said. 'Come here.'
I sat up and went into his arms.
I was suddenly so tired. Tired of crying. Tired of feeling. Tired of being here.
'I'm going to London,' I said through my tears.
'When?' He asked hesitantly.
'Tomorrow... when my grandparents leave, I'm going with them. I can't stay here anymore, Chris. I'll lose it if I haven't already lost it.'
He didn't say anything for a while. My head was still on his chest and his chin on my head.
'For how long?' He asked after some time.
'I don't know.' I didn't. Until I felt better? Until I didn't feel so overwhelmed? I didn't know. I just knew I needed to get away for a while.
'You'll come back though, right?' He sounded a little fearful.
I pulled away to look at him. He looked nervously back at me.
I put my hands around his neck and gave him a small smile. Or what I thought felt like a smile.
'Fancy taking a walk?'
He looked confused for a moment.
'You sure?'
I nodded. 'Yeah. I'll go change out of this dress and you change into something comfortable. I'll meet you out in 15.'
***
I was passing my brush through my hair standing in front of the mirror thinking that Chris really cared for me. I looked awful. My eyes were swollen and red and my hair was mess but he didn't so much as flinch or grimace.
I really didn't care how I looked anyway. But I thought brushing my hair wouldn't hurt. Feeling satisfied with how my hair looked now, I pulled a blue jumper over my T-shirt and black leggings, walked out of my room and headed downstairs.
My parents along with Aunt Emily and Mrs Watson and my grandparents were in the living room talking in hushed voices. The atmosphere was heavy and somber.
'Cecelia, hi,' My grandad greeted when he saw me. Everyone turned to look at me and I faked a smile and waved.
'Thought you'd never come out,' he said with a sad smile.
'Um, yeah. I'm just taking a little walk with Chris,' I said. I looked at my parents who both gave me sad smiles. My mum's eyes were almost swollen shut while my dad's were a little red. I smiled back at them before pointing to the kitchen.
'I'm going to get something to bite,' I said before walking to the kitchen. I saw bananas on the counter and I felt a little relieved. I hadn't had an appetite lately but I was feeling rather hungry but not for a big meal. A banana would do. If I was still hungry, I'd come for the soup Chris got for me which he'd brought back to the kitchen on his way out.
'You okay, dear?'
I turned to see my mum looking at me with a sad smile.
I smiled back, tears in my eyes, 'Are you okay?'
She released a teary laugh, before shaking her head, tears running down her cheeks. Looking up, she said, 'I know she's finally at peace...I mean, she was under so much pain for the past few moths. Doesn't make it any easier.'
I walked up to my Mum and hugged her tightly. She hugged me back just as tight, a little sob escaping from her mouth.
I hadn't had any interaction with any of them and I felt a little ashamed. They were also going through the same thing I was and we had to stick together.
I pulled away, laughing a little, tears in my eyes. 'The night before, we were talking and she told me how if she'd not make it, at least she'll be able to go to all the one direction concerts she wants.' Of course I'd reprimanded her for such thoughts but she'd just laughed. Had she known all along?
Mum laughed, crying. 'She loved those boys so much.'
I nodded as we hugged again. I was crying now.
'The doctor said she died peacefully, you know. She wasn't in pain when she went,' Mum whispered. I just nodded and cried into her shoulder.
***
'So tell me...what happened during that week you went away?' I asked Chris after we'd been walking for about five minutes.
He chuckled, 'It felt like months to me.' He looked up and exhaled, 'Well, I left after Peggy called and said that he was in critical condition and he'd lost alot of blood during some surgery he'd been through. They were having difficulties getting his match so she asked me if I was a match. I was. But why would I do that, you know?'
He paused, shaking his head. 'I must sound really evil saying something like that...Anyway, I decided to go. Then I ran into Debby at the gas station then I realize I hadn't told anyone I was going so I sent her to tell you guys-'
'So you didn't talk to her about this? You told her because you ran into her, right?' I asked, interrupting him.
He looked at me, 'Yeah....Why?'
All this time...Debby had made it sound like they'd actually talked about it and that he went to her when they'd just ran into each other. I felt a little better knowing he hadn't turned to his ex as I previously thought.
'Nothing really,' I said, smiling. 'I just thought you'd gone to her...-'
He looked apologetic. 'I messed up, right? Oh no, you thought I'd gone to her instead of coming to you...I'm sorry, baby. I'm such an idiot-'
'No, no,' I told him with a shrug. 'It's fine now. Promise.'
He nodded, taking my hand in his. I squeezed his hand and he squeezed it back.
'Continue,' I told him.
There was a cool gentle breeze that blew around us as we walked down the sidewalk, the street lights illuminating our path.
He put an arm around me and brought me to his side. 'Um...so yeah...I got to where my dad was after driving for about 9 hours. I was exhausted. Met Peggy for the first time...she's cool. I bet you'd like her.' He drew in a breath before continuing. 'I saw him, Cecelia. He looked so much older than I remembered him but exactly the same...You understand?'
I nodded, not because I really understood though. I mean, I had an idea but not quite.
'So, yeah. I saw him. I don't know what I was feeling. It all came at me at once. I hadn't expected to see him for the better part of my life and then there he was. I didn't think about it much I had to go get some rest then come back and donate. He was in a coma for about four days and he woke up on the sixth day I was there...I wasn't really ready to talk to him...'
We slowed to a stop as he ran his hands through his hair. 'He was kind of the same guy I remembered. His smile was the same...even his laugh.' He looked into the distance before looking at me. 'We talked. Well...after we'd made small talk for some time I went off at his asking him why he left me.' He closed his eyes and laughed. 'It was the one thing that had been haunting me and I needed to know.'
We continued walking down the sidewalk, my hand in his over his chest. 'He broke down right there in front of me. A grown man, a forty year old man, crying. He apologized. Said he regretted doing that every single day. But he didn't think he was fit to handle me. He turned to alcohol after that...had to go to rehab and all that jazz...then he met his current wife, I didn't meet her but he said he really loves her, I guess.'
'How do you feel about all that?' I asked. Talking to Chris helped me get my mind off Alex for a bit. I could still feel the pressure in my chest and I kinda wanted to curl up into a ball and cry but focusing on Chris helped me get my mind off all that.
'I don't know...But I think...I'm not mad at him anymore. I mean, I can't really think of him as my "Dad" anymore. Fred has been the best Dad I could ever ask for and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I guess...'He paused looking a little emotional. 'I'd go through everything again...just to have Fred and Sofia as my parents...have Cathy and Connor and Caleb...and you.'
He stopped and took both my hands in his. I gave him a weak smile and pulled him to me in a tight hug.
'So what are you going to do about finals?' I asked him after we'd stood there in each other's arms for a while.
I heard his laughter vibrate through his chest, his heartbeat beating steady. 'Well...I wouldn't have graduated anyway. Didn't have enough credits. I'm going for summer classes.'
'Oh?' I pulled back to study his face.
He looked a little amused. 'Yeah. I do wanna graduate and go to college.' Then his expression turned serious. 'You're coming back, right?'
I looked away from his imploring eyes.
'I...I hope so. I just need to get a bearing of where I am and...just everything.' I pulled away and stepped back, wrapping my arms around myself. 'I feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me and everything in my life is upside down and I don't know where everything fits anymore.'
There was a grave silence for a minute or two and I didn't know what Chris was thinking because I wasn't looking at him.
I felt arms wrap around my middle and I removed my arms around myself to hold on to his.
'I hope I fit into your life after all this,' he said quietly after a while. I craned my head to look at him. 'I understand. You need some time away from all of this...The last couple of weeks have been terrible on you and I'm sorry I contributed something to that-'
'Chris...'
'No,' he said firmly, turning me to face him. 'I hate it that you're leaving. But I understand.'
I was crying again. Seriously, my tear ducts needed some sort of control. I lifted my hand to touch his cheek and choked out, 'I love you.'
***
'I hope you meet Ed Sheeran,' Sammy told me as she watched me zip up my suitcase.
I looked at her and let out a laugh. 'And the Vamps.'
'Yeah...so that they can serenade you with "Oh Cecelia!"' She said jumping up to help me zip the stubborn zip. 'You'll send me pics, right?'
'Yeah,' I sighed as the zip went all the way. 'And I'll call you and Skype with you.'
I was suddenly crushed into a hug. 'I know I haven't told you often but I love you, Cece. So much. You're like my best friend and I'm so lucky to have you.'
I hugged her back tightly, feeling the lump grow in my throat. 'I love you too, Sammy. And I'm the lucky one.'
'And don't you forget it,' she joked pulling back. I laughed and rolled my eyes.
'Don't forget us,' she said sadly.
'I'm coming back,' I said, frowning.
'Yeah, but you don't know when,' she pouted.
'I'm coming back, okay?'
She nodded as she sat back down on my bed.
I had like ten minutes until we left for the airport. I thought Chris would stop by but I hadn't heard from him all day.
I remembered how I'd confessed to him yesterday and internally groaned. I should have waited for him to maybe say it first. If he ever did. Maybe he didn't feel the same. He'd just given me a tight hug, his eyes swimming but he didn't say anything about it.
I shouldn't have said anything.
'Help me get these bags, yeah?' I told Sammy as I picked up the largest one, trying to avoid thinking about it too much. I hope he showed up though. Even if it wasn't to declare his undying love for me.
I passed by Alex's room and paused to look at it for a minute. I heard Sammy behind me stop too as we just looked. My mind played memories of her in the room; sleeping, singing on her bed with a hair brush, watching Netflix, playing video games...
'She's still here, Cece...not physically anymore...but she's here,' Sammy said, her voice thick with tears.
'Yeah,' I whispered.
'Or she's heading to London with you to get a glimpse of One Direction,' Sammy joked.
I let out a reluctant laugh that eventually turned into crying.
Sammy hugged me, tears running down her face, too.
'I know, Cece. I miss her, too.'
***
I guess above else I was just disappointed. I'd thought Chris would have come running to me during those ten minutes before we headed to the airport. Then I remembered Amazing Spiderman 2, the one we'd watched together, and I remembered how Gwen was on her way to the airport but Peter found a way to her. Okay, that was a little too much. But I was waiting and waiting and right now, as I waited for our flight to be announced, I was still waiting.
My grandparents were at a coffee shop as we waited and I sat with our luggage.
He's coming. He's coming.
I kept chanting even though I knew how unlikely that was. Even if he came, he couldn't get to this point without a ticket.
He wouldn't just leave me like that, would he? Especially after I told him I loved him, right?
Unless he didn't feel the same way.
I buried my face in my hands, clenching my eyes tight to keep from crying.
He wasn't coming.
I scared him away. I shouldn't have said that to him. Stupid...Stupid...Stupid...
'If you thought I was just going to let you leave like that, then you have no faith in me at all and I'm hurt if you even thought that.'
I snapped my head up to find Chris looking down at me, a smile on his face. He still had on last night's clothes and looked as tired as he did last night.
I jumped from my seat to hug him. 'Damn you, I thought you wouldn't come.' To no one's surprise, I started crying.
'Hey, hey,' he said soothingly. 'I'm here. I'm sorry...I kinda didn't sleep until 7am and then...I woke up a while ago thinking you'd left.'
I pulled back, wiping my cheeks. 'Seven? Why?'
He took out an envelope that was addressed to me and then he took out a scrap book of some sort that had 'Alex' written on it.
'I was writing a letter to you,' he said handing me the letter. 'And thou shall not open it until you're on the plane. And this,' he said, referring to the Scrapbook. 'I took all the photos I had of Alex, I took the ones from your phone and borrowed your parents the ones they had and put together like an album. I gave them one, I have one and you have this one.'
I took the book from him, then put the both the book and the envelope on my suitcase then hugged him.
'You're amazing,' I told him. 'You know that, right?'
'I guess,' he chuckled. Then he pulled back looking serious. 'About last night...when-'
'Don't worry about it,' I cut him off. And I was serious. I knew Chris cared a lot about me and I would take that - for now. 'I meant it and I'm not taking it back...'
'Good,' he cut me off, his eyes piercing into mine. 'Because I love you, too.'
I caught my breath. 'You do?'
'Yeah. I do. I ...I don't have an excuse as to why I didn't tell you last night. I'm an idiot 99% of the time...but I love you,' he said before lightly kissing me on the lips.
'I'm a mess right now, Chris...You think if I come back...Do you suppose we could try this thing out? I don't think...'
'Hey,' he interrupted softly. 'I don't mind. We both need to sort ourselves out. I know. I have Summer school and being a better son to my parents. I'll wait.'
'I don't want to hold you back,' I said shyly, looking down.
'You silly girl,' he said with a short laugh, lifting my face to look at him with his hand. 'I want to, okay? I love you.'
'I love you, too.' I said before wrapping my hands around his neck and giving him a short kiss before burying my face in his chest.
We stayed like that until I heard our flight being announced.
'Unfortunately,' Chris said pulling back. 'Being grounded means I won't have my phone for a while...but please email me.'
I nodded, 'Miss me.'
He kissed my forehead, 'Of course.' He gave me one last hug before pulling back. 'Now...I'll have to sneak out of here.'
'How did you get here,' I asked him with a light laugh.
'Sneaked in,' he winked. 'What can I say, I'm a bad boy.'
'Sure,' I teased. 'Us good girls love a bad boy.'
'Aaaah, but haven't you heard?' He asked, taking my hand and squeezing it. 'Good girls are bad girls who haven't been caught.'
I watched him walk away backwards, a sad smile on his face but hope in his eyes, probably mirroring me, as he let go of my hand reluctantly.
'Okay, Cecilia Grace?' He teased.
'Okay,' I smiled, actually smiled, before he turned and walked away.
I turned to look for my grandparents and found them looking at me, a smile on their faces.
'You're good?' My grandmother asked.
'Yeah,' I said. And it was true. For the first time since Alex...I was feeling hopeful. Hopeful that I was going to be okay again.
A/N:
Longest Chapter I have ever typed. Wow...Words just came to me. I cried. No lie. I did. I love Alex. She's my little ball of sunshine.
This is not the end. Like one more chapter. An epilogue of some sort. I can't believe it yet...surreal
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