Two days before the dive I went with him for his evaluation at the hospital. He was jittery and nervous - if they said he wasn't strong enough to go, he would not be allowed to do it - but he had been doing so well over the last two weeks it was almost as if he was back to normal.
When the doctor came back, he smiled. "You're doing well, son. You should be fine, I hope you enjoy yourself."
"Thank you, sir," he said conversationally, but his hand gripped my arm tightly.
We stood to leave, but the doctor stopped us. "Before you go...we didn't tell you this earlier in case it was a false alarm, but we've obviously been monitoring you as you have been undergoing chemotherapy and your body is reacting to it exceptionally."
He shook beside me, and I wrapped my arm around his shoulder.
"There is a good chance - a very good chance - that you could exceed your, uh, given time. Recover fully, even."
Before I could even react, he was holding my face in his hands, in front of the doctor, and he kissed me hard. He laughed when he pulled away. "I'm going to live, Alec," he whispered in awe.
He was going to live.
***
We went home - or to his home, anyway - afterwards, and he was so adorably excitable. He began preparing for the big day and began to tell me all the things he was planning to do when he had finished treatment.
I was so, so happy. We were both so happy that when he had to sit down and throw up into his bucket we both put it down to over-excitement.
I continued to think it was okay when he needed to lie down, when he said he just needed a little rest to regain his energy. I lay down with him, but I did not fall asleep.
It had only been about half an hour when I felt his nails dig into my arm.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Why is everything moving, Alec?" he mumbled.
I got up instantly, looking over him. His eyes were half lidded and he was impossibly pale. He was shaking as if with cold, and tears were running down his cheeks.
"We need to get you somewhere," I stuttered. "It'll stop moving in a minute, I promise."
"Why are you shouting? It hurts."
I swallowed hard. I didn't know how to deal with this.
"I'm not shouting, sweetheart," I murmured, sliding my arm under his back to lift him. "I need to lift you, okay?"
He groaned when he was sitting upright, before rolling out away from me, over to his bucket where he was sick again.
My heart was racing and my mouth was dry. I could not think, could not feel as I lifted him again and carried him downstairs. His parents weren't home, they were at work, and his little brother was at school, so I went to his neighbour. They took one grave look at him and hurried to their car, bundling us in the back.
"Can you open your eyes?" I asked him, touching the side of his face.
"The light hurts," he said shakily. "Please make everything stop."
I curled over him to cover his eyes from the daylight. "Soon. I promise."
***
We didn't have to wait when we got there. He had some sort of instant pass, so he was quickly put on to a stretcher and taken in.
"You might want to wait outside." I was told when they put him in his room.
"I don't fucking think so," I answered fiercely, and they let me through.
I stood by his side, but I could not touch him because any sort of pressure or change made him sick.
"My parents. My brother."
"They've been called, they're on the way," I said quietly.
"It's okay. As long as you're here. Will you stay with me?"
"Just try and stop me." He smiled at me.
"I'm going to die," he said.
I froze.
"I knew it was too good to be true." He sighed.
I couldn't speak.
"I think I knew it really. Shit, I'm not even going to get to skydive."
I tried to talk again, but he shushed me, lifting his arm weakly to point to his head. Sound was hurting him again.
It was a few minutes before he spoke again. "Alec, listen to me." He was whispering now, and I had to lean closer to him to hear him. "Fuck, I wanted to give you some inspirational speech on how I want you to be happy without me and to move on but to always remember me, but I can't think of anything."
"I -"
"I don't want to die, Alec." His face crumpled, and so did my heart.
"I love you." I was crying now. "I love you more than anything or anyone I have ever loved."
"I love you too. I don't want to leave you."
I leaned down to kiss him softly. He tasted sour and his lips were cold, but it was still him.
"Lay with me?" He shuffled over, slowly and wincing, on the bed. I got on, ignoring the creaking, and kissed his forehead.
His family was stuck in traffic. I was over an hour before they could all get here.
But it was too late.
Our sunshine had gone away.
***
I had never felt so much of nothing in my entire life.
I lived for the next two days without feeling. I had not cried since, and I had not spoken except to his parents.
I was going skydiving, those two days later. I had to do it for him.
I was in the the helicopter, miles above the ground, and I did not feel fear as I once did. I did not feel anything.
The instructor briefed me and a few others who were jumping too. The seat next to me was empty, but it should not have been.
When everyone else had gone, the man asked me if I was ready. I nodded, and I jumped.
And I was falling.
Thoughts instantly filled my head.
I didn't have to pull the parachute. It would be quick, wouldn't it? I would hit the ground and it would all be over. I could join him.
But then his eyes, and his laugh, and just him flashed through my mind and everything about him was still so alive. I had to be too.
I realised then that I was screaming, and it was not because of the jump.
I pulled my parachute.
I was still screaming.
I landed perfectly.
Now the screaming was only in my head.
***
"I'm only here because he suggested it. He said it might help."
"Has it?" she asked me.
"Not really. I've been coming here for months but I haven't gained anything. Nothing has changed." I stood.
"Wait." She stood too. "I know you didn't want to tell me his name, but I did already know. I know all that happened, I have access to his files, and yours. I just want to say that I am truly sorry about -"
"Don't say his name," I choked. "Don't you dare."
***
I wandered through the fields we used to run in and before I knew it the sun had set and the moon had risen full in the sky. I could barely see, and I didn't know anymore how far I was from home, but I kept walking.
The air was cold and it threaded like fingers through my long, uncut hair, but I did not shiver. I couldn't really feel it.
I'd always loved walking at night. I loved the sounds of the trees swaying in the wind and the owls that nestled in them.
Despite the months that had passed, I turned to my left, expecting to see him there beside me like he was so many times.
He wasn't, and I was on my knees.
The wind wrapped around me like his arms, and I could hear his voice and some of the last words he told me.
"Just keep breathing. Living and breathing aren't the same thing, but do enough of the latter and you'll begin again. Or some shit like that."
I raised my head to the sky and took a deep, icy breath.
"Jason."
His name left me softly, finally; and beneath a blanket of stars that blazed as brightly as his soul, I began to live again.
THE END | THE NEW BEGINNING
_____________________________________________________________________
This has been the best and hardest thing for me to write. I want to just write a mini disclaimer for the fact that I am not a past or present cancer patient. I did a little research, and I know, in person, someone who is currently battling cancer - but I am not an expert. I hope I have not offended anyone.
I also know next to nothing about skydiving, although I doubt that would offend anyone. :P
I would like to just quickly thank you for reading and (hopefully) liking this story. If you enjoyed it only half as much as I enjoyed writing it, then I am honoured. I was originally not sure about this story because it's a sad topic and I was kinda holding my breath about the reaction to the same-sex relationship. You have been brilliant and supportive though, and it's all worth it.
I guess the moral of this story, if you look past the annoying confusing writing, is that you should never give up. Despite the sadness and horrible situations you or any other person go through, you should never give up.
Just keep breathing. Or some shit like that.
Thank you very much for reading, infinite hugs for you. <( ^-^ <) <3