Jason XIX

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I first just want to say that I am an ass for not updating for literally months without any real reason other than some insane form of writer's block (which to some doesn't even exist). This is my first attempt at writing anything for a long time, I hope there's a few of you left to read it. :P

However, I have put this on a kind of hold because I am in the midst of exams and I may not update for another while. At least this time I have given a warning, I suppose, but I am no less of an ass.

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My parents practically force fed me after that. I had to be taken to hospital - it turned out I had fainted in front of him just as he had been brought back from the same place. He found it funny, and seeing me alive after I had worked myself up so bad gave me the biggest sense of relief I had ever experienced. He had been in hospital because his appendix had ruptured. He spent so long in there because he was so weak from the chemo treatment he had been receiving.

He was fiercely protective of me when I got home, which I secretly enjoyed although I played the part of a kid who was being coddled by his mother. When my parents weren't in my room making sure I was eating and drinking right, he was with me continuously asking how I was and if I needed anything.

He bribed me with kisses in return for eating - I didn't need the bribes, really, but it's not like I would ever resist.

It bothered me, though, how low I had sunk on only the mere thought that he was dead. How would I even function without him when his few months...fuck, when he is gone for good. I felt so dependent on him that it couldn't be good for either of us. But God, I was drunk on his smile and his voice sent butterflies fluttering beneath my skin. And when we kissed...I can't even describe it.

But something, somehow, bothered me a little bit more.

"Can I ask you something?" I said quietly. I was laying comfortably on top of him, his chin resting on my head.

I felt the vibrations through my hair as he hummed his approval. I grinned slightly - we had been watching The Notebook and as much as he had been trying to hide it, he had been sniffling the whole way through. Probably why he didn't want to speak, poor little shit.

I sobered quickly and felt my face begin to flush. "Are you...gay then?"

"Huh?"

"Are you?" I said, getting up off of him.

He pulled me back towards him by the arm so our faces were close, and he pressed his lips firmly to my forehead. "No. I'm dead straight," he replied monotonously. Only a slight quirk of his lips betrayed his sarcasm.

I sighed, my face burning. "I mean, you dated Jenny, didn't you? Now me. And as you've probably noticed, there's a slight difference in gender and anatomy. I was just wondering if I..if I'm a-"

"A phase?" he finished softly. When I nodded, he took my face in his hands and brushed our lips together. I felt electricity flow through my body, setting my nerves on fire like the first time we had kissed. But I couldn't help feeling ridiculous at the same time. I was worried about his sexuality while he was going through absolute hell. I knew I didn't deserve him.

"You're not just some experiment. But I don't really know what I should be classed as, honestly." He ran a stressed hand through his hair. "I've fancied girls, but I've never really fancied boys. Not until you, anyway." He blushed brilliantly and I laced my fingers with his.

I have a suggestion of a name for your sexual identity." I grinned.

"What?"

"Alec-sexual."

He groaned, laughing. "That was fucking awful. I thought you'd come up with something much better than that."

"You don't like it?" I teased.

"Alec-sexual...I think it might grow on me." He smiled, ruffling my hair.

I swallowed hard. I wanted to say it again. The 'L Word'. I'd said it before once, but only when he was panicked and upset. I wanted to make him feel better and it resulted in something I had only dreamed about. But I didn't know if it was too soon now, now that we were both relatively sane and awake - because the only time I thought he said it was when I fainted like a little bitch, and even then I'm not sure if I heard correctly. We hadn't actually been together together for very long though either.

Fuck it. "Iloveyou!" I blurted out loudly.

"What?" He laughed.

"I love you." I said again, slower.

He looked firmly into my eyes, his lips spreading into a soft smile. "I love you too, Alec."

"I especially love the way you cry during practically every movie we watch." I said playfully, raising our joined hands into the air to point at the TV. "Including this one."

"I wasn't crying!" he insisted unconvincingly. "I had dust in my eye, this room is dusty, gotta get a hoover in here sometime, damn freaking dust..."

"Sure, sure."

"I'm kinda tired," he said suddenly.

I scanned his face and noticed just how exhausted and pained he looked. I wondered if he had felt that way all this time, and I felt bad for not checking on him. He didn't like being monitored, but I had looked up all the side effects of cancer treatment and knew what to look for. He also rarely complained about his own deterioration unless he was really having a bad day, so I knew it must be bad.

"Okay," I said, turning off the TV.

He slid down into his bed and I pulled the covers over him. I bent down to kiss his forehead and muttered 'goodnight' before I moved to leave, but he grabbed my hand again.

"Stay," he mumbled, his eyes closed.

I hesitated before climbing in beside him. He shifted close to me so our foreheads and forearms touched.

"G'night," he whispered.

"Night," I breathed back, and I fell asleep with the feeling that I was going to wake up in a world where cancer didn't exist and that my love could never be taken from me.


***


"Hope is a dangerous thing to have," I said blankly. "I thought that if I had enough hope and that if I wished hard enough, everything would be okay." A harsh laugh tumbled past my lips. "I was so wrong."

"You must always have hope," she told me weakly.

I snorted.

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