PSYCH
btw, for all of you readers from before the revision, I made a few changes regarding to her familiarity with Keller.
Chapter 17-Saturday
"Happy birthday dear Nikki. Happy birthday to you."
I sat awkwardly at the table with my eyes fixed on the rose bush a few feet in front of the picnic table. Why were the roses here never red? I tried to distract myself. I really hated it when people sang the birthday song. Like, what on earth am I supposed to do? Clap? Sing? I giggled at the thought of clapping and singing along. That'd be so awkward.
I sighed and looked around the table one more time, taking in the grinning, singing faces of my friends—well, two friends and the others were children of my parent's 'acquaintances'. They honestly looked like they wanted let loose and run around the gardens. Of course we couldn't do that, our parents wouldn't allow it. We were all eight—except for Jane—and we were expected to be perfect little girls—seen but never heard.
The only boy there was Mark anyway... So far I tried to convince myself it's still early... there's still time.
I sat listening to the adults chattering at the table on the gazebo about royal gossip—or rather 'politics'—an hour after I blew out the candles, Jane—being five year old Jane—,who seemed to have behavioural problems at the time, knocked the cake off of the table onto the lap of the president of India's daughter. There was this big commotion, I got up as soon as the cake fell and walked as far away as possible only stopping to hide behind a rose bush. I could still hear them... I swore there would have been a serious international incident if everyone hadn't gone quiet after five minutes of pointing fingers and shouting. My curiosity peaked but not enough to go investigating. He hadn't come so I didn't feel like going back to the party. He promised that he'd come.
I sat on the grass, not caring if it would stain my dress and hugged my knees to my chest. He promised... I sighed and closed my eyes. Happy birthday to me I thought bitterly.
"I know I'm late," he breathed hesitantly and my pulse sped up immediately, "Please forgive me, I was in Paris the entire weekend trying to find—
I hopped up and cut him off with a tight hug.
"Keller?" I breathed in disbelief.
Keller stood before me at the side of a very familiar, older version of him—who Stephen pointed out to be the king of Boulos, King Gladiole... his wife died giving birth to...—Keller gave me a pleading look but I just stared at him confusedly. I was so confused that the fact of the decorations in the chateaux's ball room being all white didn't seem to matter to me. Not even the white roses.
"Hello Nicola," the older man smiled down at me with the same warm eyes as Keller's, "I haven't seen you since your eight birthday, I'm surprised that you remember Keller at all!"
He chuckled heartily and my pulse started to pick up its pace. This can't be right... I touched the bracelet on my right wrist and Keller glanced at it. He almost looked happy.
"I'm surprised myself!" I faked laughed waving my hand half-heartedly, "I have a hard time remembering to do my homework."
"I hope it gets done," he said almost jokingly and I forgot how much I liked my parent's friends—they were much nicer than them.
"I hope so too," I smiled at him and avoided Keller's gaze, "It was delightful speaking, but I've got to make my turn about the room."
"Happy Birthday Nicola," he smiled at me and I curtsied and turned to walk away quickly.
I tried my hardest not to run or to bump into anyone. Tried. I was wearing heels for Christ's sake. I had no idea what was the point of wearing heels when you're wearing a floor length gown. Who the fuck was going under my skirt to admire them?
"Oh," I heard someone gasp quickly and felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Please don't stray too far Nicola," Carmo whispered over the din of classical music.
I bit my lip and tensed trying to keep myself from tugging my hair out of all the hairpins. She let go of me almost immediately and I stalled for a minute or two. I had no plan, but she did. I just have to trust her and hope I don't regret it. I walked off in search of a hiding space after she said something about the toast.
I've been avoiding Stephen and my parents all night. Pretending to enjoy the company of 'our' guests. My stomach fluttered when my mind ran on the encounter with the king of Bolous and Keller... Why was I stupid?! The signs were right in front of me... the way he acted that day he had to give me the tour of the school, the way Stephen acted... the fact that Stephen knew him so well. I thought he hated me. I never saw him after my eight birthday party, he never made an effort to contact me. I stepped into the nearest room in the empty hallway and closed the door behind me.
The room wasn't dark, it was lit by the pale moon light the seemed to be coming from every corner of the room—I was probably in one of the sun rooms. I made my way over to chaise and sat down trying to calm myself. Snap out of it Nicola! I don't care about that long forgotten puppy love. You care about finding a way to not ruin your life without ultimately running Stephen's.
I heard the door close quietly making me jump because of my unawareness.
"You still wear it?" he said quietly and my attempts at calming myself went to waste, "I thought you threw it away years ago."
"Of course I still wear it," my insides twisted, "I only wear it on my birthday, it's the only thing that keeps me sane when I realise that you're not going to show up."
There was an almost eternal silence before I heard his footsteps grow closer.
"Why didn't you come back?" I asked quietly and my voice almost cracked, "Why didn't you try to remind me of who you were when I met you at school?"
"Because I couldn't Nicola," he almost sounded pained, standing beside the chaise now.
"Why?" I asked sharply and turned to face him, my eyes were burning, "Why..."
"It doesn't matter," he avoided my eyes.
"Why can't you tell me?" I sobbed angrily, trying to keep the frustrated tears from spilling, "For ten fucking years I went about thinking that you hated me. I honestly couldn't love anybody because you fucking scarred me. Every year I'd sit in the garden waiting for you to come running behind the rose bush with a present you spent two days looking for. I just sat there staring at this fucking bracelet until it was past midnight."
"I-I'm sorry Nicola," he was looking at the floor with his hands in his pockets, "I... I think we should end whatever we started, I'm not talking about the past months."
I clenched my jaw willing myself to not cry. I will not let Fergie down... Not even if I might have loved him. I thought I loved him but what can I say? Kids just don't know love.
"I'm talking about when we were younger," he continued in a detached voice, "You were never mine, I am a liar and a thief and for that I am eternally sorry."
I felt like the air was knocked out of me. He turned to leave.
"Keller," I breathed and got up quickly.
He stopped and I walked to meet him, lifting his hand and placing the bracelet in it before he could say anything.
"I guess I should be done waiting too huh?" I asked ruefully and closed his hand around.
I met his eyes one last time before I curtsied and paced out of the room. I felt like shit. I felt like how Meek Mills probably feels after hearing Back to Back. But I faked through it, I lied about the tears, Pre-wedding jitters. I lied about having a massive head ache to Nena, she was a bit irritated but conceded in the end. She had a maid escort me to my room because she realised that I wasn't necessary, it was mine and Stephen's mothers party after all.
For a moment I was just lying in the middle of a strange bed trying to forget everything; myself, this whole wedding thing, Stephen...Keller. I closed my eyes and groaned ignoring the nagging feeling of regret I had for bailing on Carmo. I just didn't care anymore, I just knew she needed me for her plan to work. I just didn't know how badly.
I understood why the roses were always white, if you fucked it up it wouldn't back to the way it was.
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A/N
Sup bitches. So I lied lol, I'm not continuing this next year, I'm doing it rn :P this chapter was kind of heavy but w.e, I'm back and I'm finishing this before the week is out so be on the look out for midnight updates (tbh I sleep during the day in the summer) alssooo the reads on this are getting craaayyyyy af!!! Omf thank you guys so much for reading! I love you like you don't even know. I'm curious about entering this in the Watty's... idk hopefully if I finish it before next week I'll enter it.
I love you for reading even though the updates were slow af, I promise to update tomorrow,
♥