Heeey!
Just wanted to thank SuperheroesAndSprite 'cause she's been so awesome to me. If you guys don't already know her (which I highly doubt) then please show her some more love because there's never too much of that, haha :P
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I stayed at home for three whole days.
I turned off my phone, my internet, everything.
My only source of entertainment was the TV, the dog, and a few books I found that I had long forgotten about.
I spent the first day cramming food inside my mouth while watching whatever there was on TV, with the dog cuddled beside me, and food wrappers surrounding me like some kind of plastic barrier . I woke up early as usual, and stayed rooted in the couch in my boxers, only moving to get more food or use the bathroom. I even woke up the next morning in the couch.
I was tired, grouchy, and smelly from spending a day without taking a shower.
So on the second day I took a shower, cleaned the apartment and pulled out my workout gear. I ran on my treadmill for an hour, did countless turns of pushups and sit-ups, and even tried some planks for a change.
After I took a second shower that day, I changed into my comfiest clothes and read a book. It was relaxing, and a lot more distracting then all the other activities I'd done. I never once thought of the stress I was going through the past few days. I just read until I finished the book, then picked up another.
Never once did I leave the house, the only times I opened my apartment door was when the delivery guy came baring food and when Tom and Rob checked up on me.
"He came by the café," Tom had said to me.
"Who?" I asked.
"Actually, all of them did. Devin, Ian, Jake, they were worried about you since you practically disappeared off the radar."
"It's only been a day," I said.
"I know..."
That didn't seem to help with my isolation plan. It made it worst since I began thinking of Jake all over again, and of Devin and my years of crushing on him.
And Ian?
When I asked Tom, he just shrugged. "I was just as surprised, I mean, he didn't even come with Devin. He came alone, which was the weirdest part."
On the third day, I sat on my desk and just thought.
I thought of me.
I pushed all thoughts of Devin and Jake out of my head and just thought of me.
I thought about my parents, how I was the only child and how that made it easy for them to practically abandon me. I thought of school and all the people who knew me there and if they even remembered me. I thought of what I would do after high-school. I considered taking a gap year, and which majors I was interested in taking once I was accepted in university.
Then I thought of the dog, and I spent a long time thinking up names but none of them seemed to fit that I wondered if I should just give up all together and just never give him a name. But I knew that wasn't healthy, not for me or the dog. Heck, I was surprised he never ran away from me due to the lack of care. I vowed that I would find a name sooner or later, and that I would never abandon him like my parents did to me. Leaving me with nothing but their money.
On the fourth day, I finally managed to get out of the apartment.
The first thing I did was go to the café.
I walked out and breathed in the fresh air that was lacking in my system. I almost missed the smell of hotdogs wafting in the air, and the smell of gas as it huffed out of cars.
Tom greeted me with a beaming smile, his hand squeezing my shoulder when I resisted the hug he was intending to deliver.
"Feeling better?" He asked as he poured freshly brewed tea into my mug.
I nodded, "Thank you."
"Anytime," he smiled.
"Does...Does Devin know?" I asked.
He shook his head. "I don't think so. I haven't done anything in public with Jess, though. Just incase."
"Okay, but I have to tell him."
He blinked. "Now?"
"Well, not now. But really soon."
Tom frowned, "Don't you have enough on your plate already?"
I thought about it, "What do you suggest?"
He shrugged, "I know that the sooner you do it, the better. But you're already stressed out, and if he reacts badly I'm scared you won't be able to handle it."
I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything, but I took his advice and considered it.
"How are things with Jess?" I asked, changing the subject.
He rolled his eyes, but smiled anyway. "Good. It's really cool dating a band member."
I raised an eyebrow and he blushed furiously, "What?"
I smiled, "Nothing. I'm glad you're happy."
"Yeah," he smiled. "Me too."
"Have you guys done more that kissing yet?" I asked.
He glared at me, not answering my question.
"Your face is red," I pointed out. "So, did you?"
"That's none of your business," he mumbled.
"You're shy," I smirked.
"Shut up."
"You definitely moved to second base," I mused.
"I hate you, sometimes. Who even says 'second base' anymore?"
I chuckled lightly.
"I'm glad my agony comes as a sort of entertainment to you," he said, his words drowned in sarcasm.
I grinned and took a sip of my tea.
~
I turned on my phone and internet when I came back to the apartment.
My phone's screen was filled with texts and miscalls, but I ignored all of them except Jake's.
Despite all that had happened, I was worried about him. I knew how difficult it was for someone to come to terms with their sexuality.
I read his texts first.
"I'm sorry. Please pick up."
"I've left you a bunch of calls, Nate, pick up. Please."
"I'm srry."
"I'm srry."
"I'm srry."
"I'm srry."
I knew he was drunk when he sent the last four and that made me wince. I felt so responsible for the pain he was going through, it was overwhelming and I took a few seconds to breath before continuing.
"I dropped by the cafe. Tom explained everything. Hope you feel better soon."
That was the last one he left.
I found his phone number and called him instantly.
"Jake, I just got your texts," I said after the beeping stopped.
"How are you?" He asked.
I was glad he sounded okay, and that motivated me to talk more.
"I'm feeling better."
"I'm sorry-"
"Stop apologizing, this isn't your fault," I said.
"But I feel like it is," he said, exasperated.
"Then don't," I sighed.
"Okay," he muttered.
"Jake-"
"I know, we need to talk."
I bit my bottom lip. "Can you come over?"
"Yeah, I'm done with the classes I had for today."
"Good, I'll be waiting," I said.
"Alright, see you in a few."
I sighed and fell on the couch as I waited for Jake to come over.
The dog bounded over to me, barking softly as his paws patted my chest lightly. I laughed, rubbing my knuckles against his fur, causing him to stretch out so I could rub his belly.
After a few minutes, the bell sounded and I got up to let Jake in.
I quickly flattened down my t-shirt, afraid there were any wrinkles on it, and ran my fingers through my hair at the last minute before opening the door.
He stood at the other end, his hands in the pockets of his jacket.
He was only wearing his jacket and a pair of sweatpants, and he couldn't look more like himself.
"Hi," he spoke.
"Hi," I echoed, distracted by the movement of his lips and the way his well defined jaw moved.
"Oh, come in," I said, as I had forgotten to invite him in while I was staring at him quite obviously.
He smiled as he walked in, and I followed after him as I tried not to face palm repeatedly.
"I know you told me not to apologize-"
"Don't," I cut him off as we both sat facing each other on the couch.
"Just listen," he said, "please?"
I nodded to let him carry on.
"You told me not to apologize, but I will. For kissing you while I thought you were sleeping. That sounds so weird when I say it, but seriously. I'm sorry for kissing you like that because it was stupid and kind of creepy too," he said, laughing a little. "So, yeah. Sorry for kissing you like that. But...I won't apologize for kissing you back in my dorm."
I stared at him, "What?"
He smiled a little, "I thought about it, a lot actually. I like you, Nate. Maybe not in the way you like Devin, but enough to want to kiss you again. With your permission, of course."
My heart flipped in my chest, "Jake. You're straight."
He chuckled, and I noticed for the first time the way his shoulders moved along with his laugh. It was adorable.
"I don't think I'm straight, I kissed you and...I liked it," he said.
"But you like boobs!" I blurted, my face flushing.
He shrugged, frowning. "Yeah, I still do. Maybe I'm bisexual? I don't know, but screw it. I don't want to put a label on it."
"Wow," I finally said when I felt everything begin to sink in.
"Trust me, I still can't wrap my mind around it," he said.
"So, what now?" I asked.
"Now, I kiss you. If you'd let me of course," he said, his voice dropping a few octaves.
"W-what?" My heart leaped in my chest.
"Nate, will you please let me kiss you?" He asked, his face seemingly closer to me.
All I could do what stare into his chocolate colored orbs.
"Maybe I can convince you to say yes?"
I frowned, "Huh?"
He laughed, then placed his hand against my chest and pushed me down against the couch so that I was lying on my back staring up at him in surprise. Then he leaned over me, his hand behind my head as he lowered himself so that our bodies touched lightly.
I gasped suddenly as his lips brushed against my neck, kissing my skin softly as he moved farther up my neck so his lips settled on my jaw. I felt my eyes shut tightly and my breath grew irregularly as his his lips came shockingly close to my own. I felt heat rush all over my body as his free hand brushed down my side leaving behind a trail of goosebumps.
"Now," he whispered, "Can I kiss you?"
"Yes," I said, embarrassed that I sounded so desperate.
I opened my eyes as Jake's hand cupped my face, his thumb brushing the tender skin on my lips before his own eyes fell shut.
Finally, I thought as his mouth slowly fell against my own.
I almost moaned as his lips moved slowly against mine, teasingly, like he was purposely making me wait for more.
Impatient, I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him tighter against me so that he didn't have a choice but press his lips more firmly against mine. He gasped at the sudden impact and I took it upon myself to push my tongue inside his mouth, struggling to gain dominance.
He froze, surprised, but I continued to move my lips, unfazed.
Aching for air, I loosened my hold on his neck and Jake pulled back reluctantly.
His lips detached themselves from my own and my eyes slowly fluttered open as I gazed at him lazily.
"Woah," he breathed, as his chest rose and fell, out of breath.
I shared the same reaction.
He slowly moved away so that he wasn't hovering over me anymore, and sat with his back against the back of the couch, his mind seemingly in another place.
"I don't know what to say," he said a while later.
"You don't have to say anything," I whispered.
He looked at me, his eyes analyzing my facial expression. "I never kissed someone like that before."
"I'm not sure you're telling me the truth." I chuckled, nervously.
"I am. Whether you believe it or not, it's the truth...I want you," he said, and I instantly felt a shiver down my back.
I didn't know what to say to that, no one ever spoke to me in that way before.
So I did the only thing that came to mind.
I got up and sat on top of Jake's lap, a leg on either side of him as I leaned closer to him until our lips met once again.
This time was a lot more heated.
Our lips moved together in sync, hot and feverish. My hands held Jake's face, my fingers brushing against his rough stubble and smooth neck as his hands reached down to my thighs and he pulled me up against him, our hips rubbing against each other painfully and I almost gasped at the sudden impact.
His hands moved away from my hips and traveled farther up until his fingers brushed against the hem of my t-shirt. But before his hands moved any further, he froze and pulled back.
"What is it?" I said, my voice sounded a little deeper than usual.
"I don't think I'm ready to go farther than this. Not yet," he said, and I detected a hint of embarrassment in his voice.
I smiled a little and moved off his lap, "It's okay."
"Are you sure?"
"Jake, I don't want you to think I'm pressurizing you into anything," I said.
"I know. I just feel like you're disappointed."
Honestly, I was. But just a little, because I understood what he was going through and the last thing he needed was to be forced into something he didn't want to do.
"It's okay," I repeated. "I understand."
He sighed gratefully, a little more relaxed. "So, what are we?"
I frowned. "I don't know, but we don't have to put a label on it, okay? At least not now."
He nodded, "I agree. For now, this is just...?"
"Us filling our needs?" I suggested.
He smiled, "Yeah. I guess."
"Good," I smiled back.
He leaned forward and pecked me quickly on the lips. My smile stretched out a little and I sat closer to Jake, his arm slung across my shoulder.
"Do you want to watch a movie with me?" I asked.
"Sure, what are we watching?"
"What ever we find on TV," I said.
"That's my favorite kind," he said.
I grinned, feeling like an idiot.
But in that second, for the first time in a really long time, I didn't care.