#JustTheBenefits
Kabanata 21
"Ano?" I asked him. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang sinabi niya o kung ano ang gusto niyang ipahiwatig. Bantayan ako? Ano ako? Isang bata na maliligaw ng landas dahil lang wala 'yung boyfriend niya?
But instead of answering my question, Quin just shook his head. He's just adding fuel to my already burning frustration. Nakakainis. Nakakainis na ang dami kong hindi alam at mas lalo niya pa iyong dinadagdagan. Isang taon na kami ni Parker... aakalain mo na sa tagal namin ay marami na akong alam tungkol sa kanya but damn I was so wrong. Niloko ko lang pala ang sarili ko. I made myself believe that I knew him when in fact, I knew almost nothing about him. Nakakatawa na sa isang taon na naging kami, ni hindi ko man lang nakilala ang sinuman mula sa pamilya niya.
I felt like some dirty laundry he's hiding from the whole world. Nakakapangliit. Nakakababa sa pakiramdam.
"Wala," he said. He attempted na buhatin muli ako pero itinaas ko ang kamay ko and motioned him to stop. He looked utterly frustrated with me but so was I. Nagsisimula na naman akong mainis. Ni wala nga akong ideya kung nasaan si Parker at kung bakit sa tingin niya kailangan akong alagaan at bantayan ni Quin. "Imo, please."
I looked at him. Pagod na rin naman ako at ayoko ng makipagtalo pero pagod na rin kasi ako na pinagmumukha niya akong tanga—nila. I wanted to be friends with Quin, really, pero kung ganito na lang palagi ang mangyayari... siguro 'wag na muna. Hindi ko kasi kayang maging kaibigan iyong tao na alam kong hindi nagiging matapat sa akin.
"Quin, I can take care of myself."
He snatched a quick look at my swollen ankle and then looked back at me. "Yeah, looks like it."
I shook my head. Magkaibigan nga sila ni Parker. Pareho silang magulo at pareho silang hindi marunong umintindi kung ano ang gusto kong mangyari. Kapag sinabi kong hindi, sa tingin nila oo ang ibig kong sabihin. Hindi ko alam kung bingi ba sila o hindi lang talaga nila siniseryoso ang mga desisyon ko.
"Quin, Parker and I—we're not exactly together right now. And frankly, I need this space. Kailangan kong huminga na hindi naiisip na nasa paligid ko lang siya..."
"He's not here."
"But you are."
Quin stared at me. Alam ko na alam niya ang ibig kong sabihin. Kaya lang naman siya nandito ay dahil iniutos sa kanya ni Parker na bantayan ako. I appreciate the gesture but I didn't think I needed it. Malaki na ako. I can handle my own business.
"Don't worry, kakausapin ko si Parker at sasabihin ko sa kanya na hindi mo na ako kailangang bantayan," I told him. He's a good friend. Alam ko naman na may sariling buhay si Quin pero heto siya at binantayan ako. Parker's lucky to have someone like him. Too bad I can't really think of him as my own friend hanggang mayroong mga sikreto sa pagitan namin ni Parker. I always felt like I was being blindsided with every move I make.
He still wasn't saying anything so I took that as my cue to start limping away. Every step was a shot of pain but it felt better this way. Mas wala akong koneksyon kay Parker, mas magiging madali ang lahat kung sakali na wala na talaga kaming pag-asa... Truth was, I was scared shitless. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula kung sakali na tapos na kami ni Parker. I realized he's a part of my life and I can't even begin to imagine living a life without him.
Yes, I could live without him... Just like the sky without its dragons, the forest without its fairies, and the ocean without its mermaid. I would live but the magic would be gone.
He's my magic, my pixie dust, my stroke of wand. It just wouldn't feel as exciting when he's gone.
Nasa limang hakbang pa lang ang nagagawa ko—five extremely excruciating steps—when someone lifted me from the ground.
"What—"
"Can't stand seeing you hurt yourself even more," sabi niya.
"Quin, malaki na ako. Kaya—"
He started walking habang buhat-buhat niya ako sa bisig niya. It started to drizzle. Umaga pa naman pero umaambon na... Siguro ay nakikisama ang langit sa nararamdaman ko. Siguro ay umiiyak siya para sa akin kasi hindi ko na kaya pang umiyak para sa sarili ko.
"I know. You don't need help." Nakatingin siya ng diretso sa nilalakaran namin but then he stopped and looked at me. "But I want to help you... so please, Imo? Don't make this any harder than it already is."
Hindi na ako nagsalita pa matapos iyon. Tahimik akong binuhat ni Quin hanggang sa makabalik kami sa booth ko. Iniupo niya ako roon at nakita ko si Tobi na inaasikaso iyong mga babae na bumibili—well, more like flirting, really. Tobi has his wicked ways and I couldn't care quite less. Dahil sa kanya at sa mga kaibigan niya, maraming pumupunta sa booth namin. So really, it was a win-win situation for me. Mabuti na lang at wala si Carl dito. Seriously, parang kabuti ang isa na 'yun. Biglang nawawala, bigla ring sumusulpot.
"Balik lang ako sa booth namin. Call me if you need anything?" he said and I nodded para wala na kaming pag-usapan pa. Tumigil na iyong hamog. He looked at me one last time bago siya tumalikod at nagsimulang maglakad papunta sa booth nila. Ako naman, nagsimula ng ayusin iyong mga naglakat na mga gamit sa lamesa. Tobi knew how to make a sale pero hindi siya maayos sa gamit. Parang dinaanan ng bagyo itong booth namin.
I was in the middle of cleaning up after his mess when he whistled.
"You're pretty, I see it, but damn. You've got quite a long line of guys pining after you," sabi niya bigla. Nakakunot ang noo ko. Ano'ng problema ng isa na 'to?
"'Wag mo nga akong titigan."
But of course hindi niya ako pinakinggan. He continued to stare at me like some creepy perv. "Still can't see it. Ang daming magandang babae but there must be something about you para mabaliw sa 'yo 'yung mga lalaki na 'yun."
Napailing na lang ako. "Ewan ko sa 'yo. Bahala ka sa buhay mo basta 'wag mo na lang akong guluhin."
"You're about to stir a pretty big trouble. Good luck," sabi niya bago niya ako tuluyang tigilan.
Kaunti lang ang mga dumadating na tao at kaya naman ni Tobi na asikasuhin sila kaya naman nanatili na lang ako na nakaupo. I was so bored so I took my phone out. Hindi ko naman pwedeng tawagan si Parker... yeah I know I should probably call him tungkol kay Quin pero hindi pa ako handa. I should gather my guts bago ko siya kakausapin. I'd probably just break my promise sa oras na marinig ko ang boses niya.
Hindi dapat ako bumigay. Dapat magtira ako ng kaunting respeto para sa sarili ko.
So instead, I logged in on Facebook just to humor myself. I just scrolled. Wala naman akong masyadong pakielam sa buhay ng mga tao. Hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit kailangan nilang ipost online lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay nila. Do they get satisfaction whenever they post every single thing they're doing? What's with the need to snap every food you eat, every place you go to, every thing you do?
Humans. Sometimes I can't understand them.
I was about to log out nung biglang mapunta ang daliri ko sa search. My fingers were trembling... maybe because of what I could discover once I hit search. But curiosity got the best of me. And so I typed the name.
Bianca Agustin.
My breathing was labored as I waited for the result to show. Ano kaya ang itsura niya? Maganda ba siya? Mas magugustuhan ba siya ni Parker kaysa sa akin?
Nung lumabas na ang resulta, maraming lumabas pero ni isa sa mga iyon, walang mutual friends. Imposible naman na wala dahil friends kami ni Parker sa Facebook. Pero kahit na ganon, inisa-isa ko iyong mga Bianca Agustin na nandun. But to my luck, wala ni isa doon ang pwedeng maging Bianca na hinahanap ko.
I was really losing it, wasn't I?
Pinatay ko na lang iyong cellphone ko at itinago ito. Baka hindi ko lang talaga dapat makilala si Bianca kaya hindi ko siya mahanap. Maybe it's better this way... na hindi ko kakilala kung sino ang tao na nananakit sa akin. It's better she stay as this faceless stranger who continues to inflict me great amount of pain by just simply existing.
Iniyuko ko ang ulo ko sa lamesa. Itutulog ko na lang 'to. I was taking my nap when I heard someone singing.
Desperate for changing, starving for truth. I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after you. I'm falling even more in love with you. Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with you.
I wanted to keep my eyes close and savor the melody. Sobrang sarap sa pandinig ng boses niya. Every word that comes out of his mouth was a lullaby to my soul. If this was a dream, I'd like to stay in it.
Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete. I'll take your invitation, you take all of me now. I'm falling even more in love with you. Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Nagpanggap ako na tulog pero ang totoo, gusto ko lang na pakinggan siya. Kung pwede lang na 'wag na siyang tumigil sa pagkanta...
I'm living for the only thing I know. I'm running and not quite sure where to go. And I don't know what I'm diving into. Just hanging by a moment here with you.
He sounded like an angel. But maybe he's really an angel... sobrang bait kasi niya. Ni minsan hindi ko pa siya nakikita na magalit. Kahit na marami akong nagawa na hindi maganda sa kanya, ni minsan hindi pa siya nagalit sa akin. Heck, I even ditched him once dahil kay Parker pero wala akong narinig na sumbat mula sa kanya. Maybe he's indeed an angel...
Just hanging by a moment. Just hanging by a moment. I'm hanging by a moment. Just hanging by a moment here with you...
And when he finally sang the last of the lyrics, I wanted to tell him how lovely the song was but reality came in and hit my hard.
"You sing really nice, baby." Of course the girlfriend was here. Ano ba ang iniisip ko?
Nagpanggap na lang ako na natutulog dahil hindi ko kaya na tignan sila. I didn't want to subject my eyes to such horrendous scene. I've done that once and I refuse to do that again.
"We'll go to Black District later. Wanna come?" Candy asked him. Magpaparty na naman sila? Wala ba silang kasawaan?
"Ano'ng oras?"
"We'll meet up first at Carl's place by 7 then mga 11 punta na sa BD?"
"Hindi ba hanggang 11pm pa 'yung booth?" Shiloah asked.
"Yeah..."
"I'll just stay here. Walang kasama si Imo."
My heart swelled because of what he said. He still cares for me...
"Well, okay fine. Whatever," Candy said. Sa palagay ko ay tumayo siya base sa tunog na narinig ko. Damn this situation! Kanina pa ako gising pero ni hindi ako magising talaga dahil nagpapanggap ako na tulog! Kailan ba ang tamang panahon para magising ako? My neck was starting to hurt!
I was still thinking about when to 'wake up' when my phone rang. I took the opportunity para magpanggap na nagising ako dahil sa tunog.
I was acting like I was disturbed from my rather peaceful slumber when I was taken back to reality when I saw the caller ID.
Parker
Calling...
Nakita ko si Shiloah na nakatingin sa akin. I wanted to answer this call but it didn't feel right to answer it in front of Shiloah. Gustuhin ko mang tumayo ay hindi ko magawa dahil sa paa ko. Such inconvenience this ankle was causing me! At mukha naman na napansin iyon ni Shiloah dahil inilapag niya sa upuan iyong gitara niya at iniwan ako.
I didn't know why that made me feel guilty. Wala naman akong ginagawang masama but still...
"Hello?" I said. Naghintay ako ng ilang segundo bago ko narinig ang boses niya. His voice brought me back to the fact that I love him. I love Parker. Kahit ano'ng pagkalito at sakit ang nararamdaman ko... wala. Bumabalik at bumabalik pa rin ako sa katotohanan na siya 'yung mahal ko.
"Hi," he said. One word. One word and it made me want to ask him to come back to me. To just screw whomever Bianca Agustin is. Sino ba siya para pahirapan kami ng ganito? Sino ba siya para saktan kami?
Mahal lang naman namin ni Parker ang isa't-isa pero parang ang sakit-sakit...
"Are you mad because of Quin?" he asked me.
"No..." pag-amin ko. I was annoyed but not mad. He was just after my safety but still, mas gusto ko na siya ang nasa tabi ko. It hurt me knowing that he's beside somebody else. Ako dapat 'yun. Ako dapat iyong nasa tabi niya.
"Thank you. I can't handle another anger from you, Imo. I want to make peace between the two of us. It drives me mad thinking that you're mad at me. It's fúcking driving me nuts, babe..."
I bit my lower lip when he called me that. Damn it. Sobrang miss na miss ko na si Parker. How will I handle another day without him kung ganito siya? He's making it really hard for me...
"Come back to me and I won't be mad anymore, Parker... Tapusin mo na kung anuman ang problema mo at bumalik ka na sa akin..." I said.
I heard a sharp intake of breath. "Babe, I am doing everything that I can. I'll be back very soon."
A small smile crossed my lips. "Good. I miss you. I miss you, Parker."
"I miss you, too, babe. I miss you so fúcking much."
Nag-usap pa kami sandali—both of us were careful to not ruin the mood. One wrong word and it could ruin everything. Para akong tanga dahil marami akong iniiwasan na salita but I've missed him. Ito 'yung unang matinong pag-uusap namin na walang sumisigaw o umiiyak... I didn't want to mess this up. It felt like it's been ages since we last spoke like this.
It felt so good. It felt like the good times.
"Bye, Parker," I said after minutes of talking to him. I heard him sigh. Ayaw ko rin naman na matapos ang usapan namin pero kailangan. We both have things to do... at sana tapusin niya na kung anuman ang dapat niyang tapusin.
"Bye, babe... Stay in love with me."
I will, Parker... but please don't make me wait for too long. I can only handle so much.
Pagkatapos ng tawag, itinago ko na iyong phone ko. Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko kahit papaano. At least ngayon, mayroon na akong assurance na magiging okay kami ni Parker. We've been together for too long, at sigurado ako na isa lang 'to sa mga problema na haharapin namin.
"My shift's fúcking over," anunsiyo ni Tobi. Tumayo siya at saka kinuha iyong bag niya. "It's your turn, princess."
I rolled my eyes at him.
"Don't call me that."
He smirked. "Sure thing, princess."
"Bumalik ka dito bukas kung hindi—"
"I'll be here tomorrow, princess. 'Wag kang masyadong hot," sabi ni Tobi. Ugh! Pasalamat siya at siya ang pinakamatino sa mga kaibigan ni Candy kung hindi!
"Siguraduhin mo 'yan kung hindi, I'll burn you and skin you alive."
Tobi winked at me. "Fine. Shiloah, dude, keep your princess on her throne. Masyadong mainit ang ulo," he said and then fled the scene right after. That guy!
Napatingin ako kay Shiloah. Okay. It's just 7pm and the night for the both of us was still long.
"Hi," I said kahit na kanina ko pa siya nakita. He was looking at me with those pair of brown eyes. Parang gusto niya akong tunawin. Nag-iba na naman siya. Kanina, ang bait niya sa akin... pero ngayon...
"Let's just work," sabi niya. And it made me shiver because he acted so cold. Ano na naman ang problema naming dalawa?