"No Mom, I'll be ok," I say into the phone, attempting to sound faint, but not too faint. She's being her normal self and spazzing out.
"Seriously," I say, rolling my eyes. She's ranting. I open the fridge and start digging for the orange juice. I swear we had some... "Mom, Mom...No, you don't need to come home. I'm serious. I'm ok. I'm just gonna lie down on the couch with the heating pad and watch a movie or something. Yes, I'll get a bucket too. I promise. Yess, I have taken an aspirin Mother..."
Alright, now none of you judge me...
But I have faked sick and am now at home.
It seems like the most opposite thing that a nerd/geek would do right? Because I'm so bound to be smart and on track with my homework? Yea, well, I'm doing this in the name of self preservation. Because PugFace Flora Harkin wants to BREAK me (and smear my baby bitch blood on the floor), and I know that its probably best to not be in the school where she can get me!
I'd thought of the idea after I'd run into the girls' bathroom to get away from fucking moron Sebastian MacCrain.
UGH! That idiot really pisses me off. He chased me all the way down the hallway, screaming the fucking Jaws theme song. And he was doing it JUST to irritate me too! I know how fast he is (I have seen him chase down football players on the field, running like a bat outta hell!) and he was totally just half-assing it when he was chasing me!! I about died from an asthma attack (and I'm not sure if I have asthma, but it sure felt like an asthma attack!)!
After I'd gotten away from him and hid in the bathroom, I caught glimpse of myself in the mirror, looking like a mess. My hair seemed frizzier and messier, and I had had a sheen of sweat on my face. My glasses had been tilted. My face had been red from running. Then I thought about PugFace, most likely prowling around, awaiting her chance to mangle me, and my face had paled. And then the idea had popped into my head to fake sick and go home.
Cowardly? Maybe just a bit, but come on, if I had stayed at school any longer, I would have been mince meat!
So I'd jogged to my Lit class (which is upstairs and this helps to produce more sweat on my face), and then right before I'd entered the room I thought about Flora and what all she would do to me if she caught me. The look on Mr.Truman's face when I came in told me that I must have looked sick to my stomach.
I'd had to just barely mumble 'I puked' and he was shooing me from the room, scribbling out a hall pass for me so I could leave. Mr.Truman is a germaphobe, so no wonder. Then I just brought it too the office and was released to go home!
And so now I'm here, trying to calm my Mom down.
"...Mooom, I'm gonna be FINE. YES. Like I just said, like two seconds ago, I took an aspirin. I'm gonna lay down and watch a movie. Noo, I know I'm not stupid enough to eat fruit. Yes I know the answer. Because acidic fruits and sick tummies do not mix. There? Happy? Of course you aren't..."
Ah, there it is, good ol' orange juice. I shake the carton and its about half full. I'll finish it off and mom will never know I had it. She's telling me now to get a pony-tail to tie my hair back so I don't puke on it. I 'mm-hm' and 'yup' through the rest of her orders, casually getting my props (the bucket and heating pad) from the closet and setting them by the couch.
"...yup. Already laid them out. I'm lying down right now," I say as I walk back into the kitchen to look for that container of yogurt.
"What movie are you planning on watching?" She asks me.
Hm... "I don't know..."
"Well don't watch anything scary," Ha! We don't own a single thing that is even close to remotely scary.
"Mom, our collection of movies is far from scary."
She snorts. "Well what I'm saying is don't watch anything gory, you wouldn't want to induce yourself into vomiting-"
"Ohmygoodness Mother, what do we have that's even close to gory?" I'm back in the living room now, and my eyes zoom right onto the first movie on the stack. The Sound of Music. Ha!
My mother snorts back at me. "Saving Private Ryan? The Patriot? Just avoid any of your father's movies."
I half to agree with her there. The Patriot is relatively bloody...but still an awesome movie. As mom starts prattling off more movies of ours that I shouldn't watch, I squat down in front of Dad's movie cupboard and study the movies. He loves anything to do with wars (somewhat disturbing isn't it?) and owns probably every movie ever made about any of America's wars. He's got a lot of James Bond movies too...Braveheart...Atonement...Jaws...
I close the door to Dad's movie cupboard immediately.
I am instantly pissed at that ridiculous reminder. Stupid idiot Sebastian! I'll never be able to even look at a shark without thinking of him! My mom is still prattling away, trying to list movies from her movie cupboard that she thinks is suitable
"...Casablanca is always a good movie, and Persuasion is probably one of the best..." I started to tune her out. Mom's taste in movies and my taste in movies hardly ever coincide, especially when she starts on her classics.
"That's fine mom, I'll pick something from my cupboard..." My eyes are already skimming over my list of movies; The Bourne Trilogy (LOVE those), Sherlock Holmes (with Robert Downey Jr.), Captain America, (hellllooooo Chris Evans...), She's The Man (It's hilarious, also includes Channing Tatum)...
My mom sighs. "I'm sure. You and your collection of Disney movies..."
Oh. Yeah. Have I mentioned that I own a TON of Disney movies? "Yeah...probably. Mom, you better get back to work, your demons need someone to teach them Pre-Algebra."
My mom groans and I chuckle a little bit. "I suppose," She says, sounding completely unenthused. I'm sure I've mentioned before that my mom is a Math teacher at a Middle school, and most days completely loathes it. "Well you call me if you need anything. Love you."
"Love you too."
I hang up and set the phone aside. Ohh Mother. Now...back to those movies... My movie cupboard has quite the variety. I won't even dare try and list them all. That would take...a freaking long-ass time. Not kidding! Anyhoo, my Disney movies take up probably...more than half of my movies. And as I sit on the floor in front of them, I feel their familiar pull.
Oh hell, why not?
Now...to pick which one...
Hmm..something funny...Peter Pan? Nah... Monsters Inc. and Finding Nemo and Alice In Wonderland (the animated original of course)...Oh Gosh, Lion King!! Noo, no I just watched that like, last week...Aladdin? Tarzan? So many to choose from...
Alright. I'm in a weird mood. I need to pick a movie that doesn't remind me of my day...
Mulan? I'm just gonna straight out say I LOVE Mushu (favorite quote: "Dishonor! Dishonor on ya whoooole family! Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your cow..."). I take the movie cover out (we have the original VHS haha) and turn it around. I see Shan Yu staring out at me and about drop the case. Shit shit shit... That reminded me wayyy too much of PugFace. I put that one back and continue looking. Bambi? No no no no no, too sad, I don't want to cry. The Hunchback of Notre Dame is completely out of the question, no matter how much I love it. I'm sure every time someone says 'Quasimodo' I'll cringe. The Parent Trap? Nehh..
Ohhhh! Hercules!!
I love Hercules. Because its hilarious. And I had the most enormous crush on Hercules himself when I was like, eight.
Soooo, I take the movie out, pop it in, and then go and make some popcorn while all of the advertisements play. The microwave beeps, I take out my snack, and then go and relax on the couch with my props. Ahh, this is the life.
So here I am, just sitting here, faking sick and enjoying my movie, when something starts buzzing.
What the fuck.
I sit up and realize, whoa, its my phone. I begrudgingly get up and walk over to my backpack and find my buzzing phone. Its a number I don't recognize. Hmph. End. Ha! Take that stupid telemarketers. My phone starts buzzing again. WTF? Can't take the hint asshole?
I hit end again.
I crawl back on the couch and into my cacoon of blankets and pillows and start munching on my popcorn again. Awww, baby Hercules is damn adorable...
BZZ BZZ.
I sit up, irate. What the fuck! I grab my phone off the side table, about to toss it across the room. At the last second I realize that the screen is still lit up and it isn't buzzing. A text message? So that damn telemarketer is texting me? Oh that's GREAT, fucking asshole can't take the hint the first two times so now he just wants to get his ass chewed via text message? Sure sure sure...
I open the message and am baffled by the contents.
From: (Mystery Number that I won't bother you with listing)
Ignoring my calls? Really? That's cool. Not. Not even cool at all. I'm gonna call again and you're gonna hit the answer button alright CrankyButt?
What the FUCK? Since when are telemarketers allowed to text me snarky messages? That's got to be like harassment or something. I'm just about to send back my angry retort when my phone starts buzzing again, flashing the stupid mystery number again. Dude. I ignored you twice before, what makes you think I'm gonna want to answer now?
My thumb and the end button have a quick meeting. Ha!
And again, my phone buzzes with another text message. It reads:
Mystery Number: Real mature.
Mature? Oh I'll give you mature...
Me: You're talking maturity when you just called me a 'CrankyButt'?
Mystery Number: That's called being nice. I could have said something a lot meaner.
Me: 'Meaner'? It's 'more mean'. Jeez. You apparently didn't take Grammar in High School.
Mystery Number: Cool your jets, Grammar Nazi.
Whoa. That's not cool. Do NOT associate me with Nazis/Hitler. I despised that portion of History and still severely despise it now.
Me: Don't you dare associate me with that disgusting era of time.
Mystery Number: Then don't try and control me capeesh?
'Capeesh'? No. It's capiche. Holy Goodness, this is probably the stupidest telemarketer EVER...
Me: You suck at spelling
Mystery Number: I dun't giv a fukking DAMM.
Me: Please tell me you did that on purpose just to irritate me, because otherwise I'm going to assume I'm talking to an even bigger moron than I thought.
Mystery Number: Of course I fucking did that on purpose, Im not that stupid!
Me: I beg to differ...
Mystery Number: If we were in the same room I'd be strangling you.
Ok, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just sitting here at home, trying to relax from a completely overwhelming day (Showing my proof to Smexy Abel, running for my life from PugFace, getting stuck in the Janitor's closet with Sebastian and then having him chase me down the hallway screaming the Jaws theme song...) and I have to deal with THIS moron. NO MORE!!
Me: Alright, I'm going to suggest that you just leave me alone right now before I simultaneously get you fired and have you arrested. Capiche?
It takes Mystery Number a while to respond, and I finally get to look up and see a bit of my movie. Awww, dang, I missed when Baby Hercules beats up Pain and Panic. I love that part... My phone buzzes in my hand and I open the message.
Mystery Number: What the hell are you talking about???
Ha! I scared the little bastard.
Me: I'm saying that if you don't leave me alone and try selling your shit to someone else, I'm calling the police for harassment.
I'm just settling back into watching my movie, thinking he's finally gotten my point, when, what the fuck, I get another text message. Growling out loud, I open the message.
Mystery Number: Are you crazy, Psycho? The fuck are you talking about???
Its safe to say that I am utterly baffled while I read and reread this message. 'Psycho'. They just said 'Psycho'. Does that mean...this is...
Me: Is this Sebastian?!
Mystery Number: Noooooooo...its the fucking Easter Bunny. YES ITS SEBASTIAN!!!
Just reading that sentence brought his voice to my ears. I could hear him saying everything in this conversation. How the hell had I not realize it was him?? Ohmygosh, this is soo ridiculous!!! How the crap does he have my number?? And why did he try to call me?? And why is he texting me???
Me: How do you have my number??
Sebastian: I had it the night I was drunk and you had to pick me up from the party, genius
Oh..duh. Yea...
Me: How did you get my number in the first place?
Sebastian: I don't really remember...That night only comes back to me in bits and pieces.
Me: Stupid drunkard.
Sebastian: Only after a good win like that ;)
Me: Suuuuree...now what the hell do you want?
Sebastian: Just wondering where my little Psycho is that's all
His 'little Psycho'? What? A pointless blush burns in my cheeks and I still want to wipe it away even if he can't see me.
Me: 'your little Psycho'? Oh hell no. And I'm at home.
Sebastian: ;) And why the crap is that?
That winky face unsettled me more than it should have. I'm not exactly sure why, but it did. Maybe if I'm boring and straightforward he'll leave me alone...
Me: Because I'm sick.
Sebastian: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..................so you're playing hookie?
My first reaction is to spew obscenities because, well, he caught me! How the heck did he know?! Then I remember that he seems to get some juvenile enjoyment out of my rages, so I take a deep breath and type a reasonable and somewhat annoying response.
Me: Yes.
It irks me to tell him that I'm purposely faking sick, but honesty and simple-ness seems to bore him. And I want to watch Hercules dammit!
Sebastian: Naughty naughty ;p
Again, the winking stick-out-tongue face bothered me. I don't know why. Maybe because....its like he's...almost flirting with me...? Kind of...And as much as my logic wants to slap down the idea, it can't...because that seems to be the only logical answer to why the heck he's texting me...NO! I refuse to believe it. He's doing it to bother me, that's all...
Me: Shut up. There's a perfectly good reason behind it.
Sebastian: Oh yeah? Do tell.
Me: I'd rather not die at the hands of a She-Beast today.
Sebastian: This is weird, but I'm gonna have to agree with you on that one.
Huh. He's agreeing with me...I'm confused. He shouldn't...he hates me...
Me: That's surprising.
Sebastian: Well, she's a freaking maniac man-woman-monster. If she'd have been after me I wouldve run straight out to my car.
I'm impressed. That wasn't even the slightest bit mean to me...My phone buzzes again.
Sebastian: Though I know why you didn't run to your car, you just needed an excuse to tackle me into the janitor's closet ;)
Why am I even surprised? Ughhhhh.....!!!! Stupid, perverted asshole...
Me: Keep telling yourself that.
Sebastian: Ok :p It's the truth. Just admit it.
Me: There is nothing to admit!! It was an accident!
Sebastian: Okkkkk....just so happen to throw me into the janitor's closet...
Me: Like i'd want to be in there with you.
Sebastian: you never did tell me to put my shirt back on when I was back at place so I just assumed... ;)
Ohh...shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. Didn't I?! I'm not sure if I ever did...oh God...
Me: I did too!!!
^ As I'm thinking, I'm pretty sure that that last text is a lie, but I have to deny it...Oh thank the Lord that he can't see my red face...
Sebastian: Sure sure sure....
Changing the subject!!!
Me: Why are you texting me anyways??
Sebastian: Well, I was wondering where my little Psycho was during lunch, and then I get to Economics and your gone too. I was wondering if Flora had killed you or not.
I literally feel sick to my stomach when I read 'if Flora had killed you or not.' Its disturbing how factual everyone is about it. The grass is green. The sky is blue. Flora's gonna kill me. I could feel the blood disappearing from my face as I pictured her enraged expression, her powerful hand gripping me by the throat. Its safe to say that I am utterly terrified of her. So terrified at the moment that I can't even make some snide remark about her either, and that's saying something!!
My fingers tremble while I try to text.
Me: Is she looking for me?
Sebastian takes a while to respond and it makes me antsy. Maybe she got his phone...oh god what if she knows I'm at home...what if she FINDS me...
The phone buzzing in my hand makes me jump, but I immediately open the text.
Sebastian: Like I know
Oh, if I could only slap him...He texts me again before I can reply.
Sebastian: I'm gonna guess she is. She wasn't at lunch. Probably out lookin for ya...
What he told me was a valuable piece of information, but at the same time, he was teasing me. Effectively frightening the crap out of me, and its not even funn.
Me: Be serious with me! Is she actually looking for me?
I have to know...I have to know if I need to start looking for the perfect hiding place...
Sebastian: What's in it for me? ;)
Me: The warm-hearted feeling of helping another human being.
I'm pretty sure even he could hear the dead-pan of my last sentence.
Sebastian: Tempting... Which is a lie. That's not tempting at all. Work with me here Psycho.
Me: Ugh, just tell me!
Sebastian: If I do you owe me something.
Me: Like what?
Sebastian: ...secret...;p
Embarrassing as it may seem, a shiver runs through me. And the most humiliating/angering/horrible part of it? I can't tell whether it was an 'anticipation' shiver or a 'terrified' shiver. Kind of felt like both...And that's not fucking good!!
Me: I am not bargaining with you.
Sebastian: Suit yourself... I guess you'll never know if she's sitting outside you're window or not...
I'm gonna admit it. That scared the shit out of me. I literally got up and - blanket and all - went to sit behind the couch. Sorry Hercules, but I just can't right now.
Me: How about I help you with your Trigonometry homework? Is that a deal? As a promise to tell me where Flora is and also never saying something like that again?
Sebastian: Hmm...sounds like a plan. She's in her Algebra 3 class right now. And why? Did that scare the shit out of you? :)
Me: Ok.
Sebastian: You didn't say whether or not that scared you.
Me: Silence to that question should be answer enough.
Sebastian: ahahahahah....
Me: Shut up! Keep being an asshole and I won't help you with your stupid freaking Trigonometry!
Sebastian: Alrighty, Psycho...alrighty...
As I'm texting my - rather acidic - reply to Sebastian, my phone starts buzzing again and throws up a bright light, showing the call screen by an unknown number. It wasn't Sebastian's number because I'd just saved it in my phone as 'Sebastian' (which is under debate...'DoucheBag' 'Idiot' and 'Stupid Idiot Guy I Hate' are all possible replacements). I hit end out of habit.
Immediately after I get a text message from my new Mystery Number. It reads:
(Mystery Number): I FOUND YOU
Just as I read it, there's a pounding on the front door, and all of the air leaves my lungs.