“What’s your girl emergency?” Silver asks as she closes my bedroom door.
“Everything!” I cry out.
Silver sighs and sits next to me on my bed. “First off I need to know what everything is.”
“Emery just spilled that he loves me not even an hour ago.”
Silver grins. “Eeep!! I knew he loved you!” I narrow my eyes at her, she rolls her eyes. “oh come on! You didn’t think I want you and my brother together did I? Sure you guys are cute together but come on! You and Emery? That’s what I call sex! You two would be perfect together! You’re so sweet and kind and Emery’s so badass! You two would be ahhh! I wanted to keep my mouth shut because I needed you to see how blind you are but since that’s not happening,” Silver rants.
I sigh and fall back on my bed. “I’m so confused,” I mumble.
“Sweetie, you picked Noah so fast because you know he wouldn’t hurt you. You need to take risks. You and Noah already have a past with each other. Emery wants to be your future. Yeah, I would love for us to be sister in laws but Cedes, its Emery. Its always been Emery, why do you think you haven’t just forgotten him when he left? You still kept holding on..”
I close my eyes. Why was it so hard to chose? But Silver is right… If I loved Noah I wouldn’t be thinking about actually going with Emery. I don’t get why I can’t just chose to one! I want Noah….but I already had a past with Noah. Do I want a future with Noah or Emery?
Noah is the perfect boyfriend and maybe that was the problem. Maybe I needed some excitement in a relationship. But I don’t want to lose Noah. I love Noah, I really do and maybe, again, that’s the problem. I’m so caught up in what Noah and I were like before we broke up that I don’t want to take chances. Again maybe that was the problem.. Noah and I have already been an item. We’ve had our share of things.
What if I needed a new share of things.
“Silver, I’ll be right back,” Silver nods and I crutch out of my room and into the game room. “can we talk?” I question as I fall onto the bed and his eyes move away from the TV and to mine.
“What’s up?” Cade asks as he mutes the TV.
I lay next to him and give him a hug. “Do you think…do you think Noah and I’s relationship is dead because we’ve already dated?”
Cade shrugs. “I mean, honestly no one else’s opinions matters besides yours. If you feel like it is, then it is. You can’t have someone telling you your opinion,” Cade says.
I let out a deep breath. “This is about Emery.”
Cade chuckles. “I figured but Cedes before you make your descion, I just want to let you know whoever you pick. Pick someone who will treat you right, alright? I don’t want to see you hurt.”
I don’t want to see myself hurt either.
*
I wish someone could make a fast forward button. I would fast forward past all this confusion and hurt and see who I chose. Maybe I don’t even chose Emery or Noah. There was just so much going on that everything couldn’t even be wrapped around in my head. I was so confused that literally I couldn’t even think about anything but Noah and Emery.
Why, why am I so confused. I shouldn’t be so confused but yet I am and its pissing me off. I was never like this! I was always one to pick and chose but nope. My feelings are so mixed and shuffled that I can’t even pick out the feelings I was feeling. I thought it was Noah! I really did because my head was so caught up in our past relationship that I couldn’t even open my eyes to see its always been the same thing with Noah. He’s too perfect. And I am definitely not perfect.
“You’re kind of overflowing the milk,” I blink and jump back when the milk is all over my shirt and on the countertop. Great. I stare at Emery when he starts cleaning up the spilled milk, his muscles moving… oh God. “you can go clean up, I got this,” Emery says as he looks over his shoulder. I put the milk down and run up the stairs.
That was a sign right? That had to be a sign! Am I honestly that desperate that I’m looking deep into spilling my milk? Jesus, Cedes get your act together! At this point I was so frustrated with myself that I just wanted to dig a hole, bury myself in it, and cry and cry.
If Emery liked me then why did he and Jenna say the things they did at dinner? Was it just an act?
“AHHHH!” I scream as I punch my wall. “ow, ow, ow, ow,” I whimper as I cradle my hurting hand. Pathetic.
“You alright?” Emery questions as I walk to the freezer downstairs. I nod and keep in my tears at my pounding fist. Jesus Christ that is nothing like it is on the TV! I grab the ice pack and look down at my bleeding knuckles. Excellent. I try to move my fingers but only keep in the scream when I can barely even move them without it hurting. Perfection. “what the hell did you do?” I look behind me to see Emery looking over my shoulder. Emery sighs and picks me up. My eyes widen and I gasp at the action. Emery sets me down on the countertop and walks away. I sit there with my eyebrows creased until Emery comes back with the firs aid kit. He grabs my hand and puts down the ice pack. “can you move your fingers?” I shake my head. “its swelling, definitely broken or fractured.” I pout and just let Emery clean up the blood from my knuckles.
Karma sucks.
*
Silver laughs at me. “Hey at least you and Emery have matching casts.” I throw a grape at her.
“Did you hear shortie punched her wall and broke her hand?” Matt asks Cade. Cade looks at me then burst into laughter. Hyena laughter.
“You did not!” Cade laughs out, I roll my eyes at them. After sometime of everyone laughing at me, even Ross, everyone cools down and just makes small talk with one another until Brittany walks over to the table. “hey,” Cade says as he pulls out the chair next to him and Brittany sits next to him. She smiles at him and waves at all of us.
Brittany was the definition of gorgeous. She had long brown hair that was naturally straight, the longest eyelashes ever, popping light brown eyes, plump pink lips, skinny oval face, skinny, tall, and overall she was thee dream girl. She had an amazing personality as well. She wasn’t too quiet and wasn’t too loud. She was sweet, kind, and honest. What I’m saying is anyone would go lesbian for her. Even me. She was lucky to have Cade.
“Cedes, what happened?” Brittany asks and everyone laughs, again.
Just kill me.
*
I knock on Noah’s door and then open it.
“Oh, hi Alexandra…” I say when I find her on Noah’s bed.
Alexandra’s eyes widen and she quickly stands up from Noah’s bed. “Hi, Cedes,” I look around Noah’s room to find him missing. “he ran to the bathroom real quick,” Alexandra replies, I just nod and stuff my hands in my hoodie.
Was Noah cheating on me?
“Cedes?” I look over to see Noah walking in. “what are you doing here?” he questions.
I arch an eyebrow. “I wanted to talk to you, real quick,” I answer.
Noah looks over at Alexandra then looks at me. “We can talk outside my room, if you want?” I nod and we walk outside his room. “what’s up?”
“Are you cheating?” I blurt and I sigh at myself.
Noah shrugs. “Cedes, you kissed Emery when you were at Nevada. What’s the difference if I’m hanging out with a girl?”
I am completely taken back at this mean side of Noah. “When I told you, you acted okay! If you weren’t okay then why didn’t you tell me?!” I burst out at him.
“Because, I don’t know, Cedes! I don’t know. I hate how you come here, find a girl in my room, and immediately think I’m cheating on you! You hang out with the guys all the time and I don’t think you’re cheating on me! But since the Emery thing in Nevada how do I know you haven’t done the same thing before since he’s living with you?”
“Why are you being such an ass?!” I yell.
“Because I’ve kept it all in! Everything about Emery pisses me off, Cedes! And you don’t see it and it irritates me! Just open your damn eyes and see we haven’t been the greatest couple since you came back from Nevada!”
“What about the dinner at my house?” I pinch the bridge of my nose and place my hand on my hip. “why the fuck are you exploding on me now?! NOW NOAH YOU’VE HAD THIS WHOLE TIME AND NOW YOU’RE LIKE A FUCKING BOMB GOING OFF! Why, why are you being such a douche bag now.” Noah shrugs.
“I don’t know, Cedes, I don’t know. I love you but at the same time you piss me off.”
“Just tell me how you really feel!” I yell as I turn around and walk out of Noah’s house. I angrily get in my car and speed off.
Was this a sign? Is this a sign telling me its Emery? Because that came out of no where and I mean no where. I thought Noah and I were great to be honest. I didn’t know I pissed Noah off. How was I suppose to know when he’s kissing me and telling me he loves me? Then one minute he’s yelling at me and telling me that I piss him off, like what?
All of this doesn’t make since. It really doesn’t. How could Noah be all loving one minute and just blow another. It doesn’t make since and its driving me up a wall.
When did my life eff up so badly.
I slam my car door shut and walk into my house, all lights off, and dead quiet. I shut the front door tight and lock it, then silently walk up the stairs. I open his door ever so gently to see him laying on his bed, asleep. I put my keys on his dresser, slip off my shoes, and slip under his covers. I stare at his white ceiling and think of all the shit that’s been happening in my life.
“Cedes?” I roll my head on the pillow to come face to face with Emery.
“Yeah?” I whisper, moving my eyes from his lips to his eyes.
“Why are you crying?” he asks. I chuckle and wipe the couple tears that escaped from frustration.
“I don’t know.”
It was true. I didn’t know what I should be feeling. I don’t know how I’ve become such this confusing girl. I didn’t know anything anymore. I thought I knew my boyfriend but I only piss him off. So, at this point I didn’t even know what to do.
All I know right now is that I’m staying with Emery tonight.
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